Now I understand the reason for this thread. Pesky, I have been following your MIL threads. It sounds like even though you made the decision to step back, it is still eating away at you. You are so used to not only being involved, but being in charge. Hard to let go of that role.
This trip means a lot to you. I agree that you should go.

This was recently in my facebook feed, I couldn't agree more.

Dear Mr. President:

During my shift in the Emergency Room last night, I had the pleasure of evaluating a patient whose smile revealed an expensive Shiny gold tooth, whose body was adorned with a wide assortment of elaborate and costly tattoos, who wore a very expensive
Brand of tennis shoes and who chatted on a new cellular telephone equipped with a popular R&B ringtone.

While glancing over her Patient chart, I happened to notice that her payer status was listed as "Medic...aid"! During my examination of her, the patient informed me that she smokes more than one costly pack of cigarettes every day and somehow still has money to buy pretzels and beer.

And, you and our Congress expect me to pay for this woman's health care?

I contend that our nation's "health care crisis" is not the result of a shortage of quality hospitals, doctors or nurses. Rather, it is the result of a "crisis of culture", a culture in which it is perfectly acceptable to spend money on luxuries and vices while refusing to take care of one's self or, heaven forbid, purchase health insurance.

It is a culture based on the irresponsible credo that "I can do whatever I want to because someone else will always take care of me". Once you fix this "culture crisis" that rewards irresponsibility and dependency, you'll be amazed at how quickly our nation's health care difficulties will disappear.

Respectfully,
STARNER JONES, MD

BS. Money, money, money. That's where the problem lies.

I think it's pretty sad that we shouldn't be able to live our lives today so that we can afford some slow, agonizing and extravagantly expensive death ritual.

Our healthcare system is out of touch with reality, as is the cost of insurance to cover it.

There's a lot of greed in the world. If everyone weren't trying to be millionaires, maybe we wouldn't have some of these problems.

"I think it's pretty sad that we shouldn't be able to live our lives today so that we can afford some slow, agonizing and extravagantly expensive death ritual."

Certainly that is true, however, when something happens, most people demand it and if it's not provided, they sue.

Pesky--

I just read your post and I empathize. I could write a 2 page post on the same subject. Since I'm a nurse, I often felt that I wasn't doing enough for my mil. She died over the holidays.

I took my own mom home with me for 8 weeks after a bad fall and nursed her back to health. She is an angel, but didn't want to move, shower, or do anything. I'm still raising my own children and I'm in my 50s. So, it just about put me under.

So, I was only willing (and able) to do so much for my MIL...who I adored. But, I knew my limitations. I knew i couldnt take her home and turn her every 2hrs around the clock. Sometimes I felt like DHs family resented that I didn't take her home.

So, I understand some of the feelings you are having.

We all have limitations...

I guess what I am trying to say is no...I don't think you are being selfish to know your limitations.

These issues are far from easy.

I feel the same as Terri, Bumble and Mitch. If you are able to - you should be paying for your own care. Certainly there are those that are needy and they should be helped.

I also wanted to point out that all nursing homes are not crappy facilities with uncaring employees. A friend moved his mother here from out of state after she had a stroke. They could not care for her at home so she went to a nearby nursing home. We went over to visit with her a time or two. She was well cared for. It was a nice facility. They have since added on site apartments for assisted living - for those needing low care. In my grandmother's AL facility, she is in a condo with about 14 others. There is a married couple living there and they allow pets (on a case to case basis). I know AL is different from a NH. The cost of the AL is almost half what we were paying for round-the-clock care in her home - and the bonus is that she is content. All facilities are not bad places.

I also feel strongly about caring for our elderly. I just don't feel that the responsibility lies totally with our government. If you haven't been in the situation of caring for an elderly relative, particularly a parent, it is probably hard for you to understand what is involved. But many of us will face that at some point.

Plus didn't you say that her death is not imminent. People with terminal cancer may live a long time. Where is this trip and how long are you planning to be gone?

I think the point is that people shouldn't have to go BANKRUPT, losing their life's work and savings, for excessive end of life healthcare expenses. Most people do not have the kind of money that takes.

I think it's perfectly reasonable and normal to want to be able to leave your children something so that they will be safe and secure. Who knows what the future holds for them. What parent doesn't want to do that? Who wants to see all they've worked for gobbled up by a greedy conglomerate of companies feeding off their bones, and a system gone haywire.

Then THOSE children also need to be willing to do what it takes to care for mom and pop.

I wasn't saying I think government should pick up the tab so the children can have an inheritance. If that's what you mean. I am saying things are out of control, unrealistic, as it stands today.

Speaking of health care costs...

Here is a link that might be useful: Steven Brill Time magazine

Jterrilynn, your story made me so sad and angry. Why some children have to grow up in such terrible circumstances I will never understand. I truly wish it had been different for you. The fact that in spite of her, you have lived your life as a genuinely good person and are a good parent to your own children speaks volumes (IMO).

We all have reasons for feeling the way that we do and each person's story is different. No one has the right to judge another for feeling differently; I'd probably feel the same way if my circumstances were similar.

Pesky, I hope things work out so that you can go on your trip and enjoy it guilt free.

Pesky,
I hope you feel free to vent here any time. I certainly think you need to go to that show, no matter what...

Elder care is not for everyone. 'Mom' is my third elder we have moved into our home. I have a big house so there is plenty of time for myself. I'm preparing my garden right now and there is nothing better than a little alone time in my garden. I admire people who know it is not for them as there is too much verbal and physical abuse within the elder population.

I feel blessed that I don't have problems with depression. I worked with disabled adults for well over a decade so I just put on that mindset and treat 'Mom' like a client. Treating her with respect, dignity and compassion is my goal. When I need to step away, I do.

I'm not perfect. A couple times she has pushed my button and I am honest with her when she does. Recently I purchased a car for my grand daughter. When 'Mom' heard that, she said "I always wished I was in a position to help my kids but I am not."

Without thinking, I said "Well, Mom, generosity is not going to be your legacy, that is for sure." I had an immediate emotional response to her statement and my statement slipped out before I caught myself. True as my statement was, it was uncalled for. That lady would take every penny of her money with her if she could and I'm not used to living with selfish people. At 89, I don't expect her to change.

I firmly believe nobody should judge anyone else's decision about this! Caretaking of the elderly literally is different for every single person and relationship. I especially don't appreciate people judging others when they have never been in the situation themselves. Advice from those who don't know what it's all about, IMO, is worthless. It is so easy to decide what someone should be doing based on what you *think* you know, But until or unless you have walked that path, frankly you cannot know and I don't think you should presume to judge those who are living through it.

In my family, my mother died young, and my father is remarried to a woman who by luck and happenstance is a retired professor of occupational therapy, whose academic focus was geriatric care. They took care of my grandmother (dad's mom) and my stepmother has some firm beliefs about the topic. Principal is that no caretaker should ever sacrifice their own health and sanity for someone else. At the point at which the elderly person's care becomes overwhelming a care facility should be part of the plan Also, FWIW from an occupational therapy outlook the point at which someone can no longer be safely or reasonably cared for at home is when the individual is incontinent. Taking care of toileting functions is a task that needs to be done by caregivers, not relatives. Anyway, in terms of family life she adores my dad and fortunately for all of us they seem to be doing fine so far. He will turn 80 this year and is in good health both mentally and physically.

My MIL will turn 90 and has increasing issues with mental fogginess. Although we used to be pretty close. as she has aged her social filters have slipped quite badly and for the past few years she has enjoyed slipping many, many passive aggressive zingers at me. Those are interpersed with outright insults, so dealing with her is not pleasant for me. She lives, literally, around the corner from us. It's an ideal situation really; her house is located on the route my husband and I take to go to work. He spends an hour or so with her daily, and I try to invite her to dinner on Sundays and that's about what I can handle as far as spending time. Right now with a very demanding job and family life I just can't take the insults and the constant loop of conversational repeat for too long. If and as she needs more help I am all in for handling the administrative side and my husband deals with her personally. We're also fortunate in having husband's brother and wife living locally and they are very decent and committed to taking care of her too.

So, it's a tough call and without going into the political aspects, on a personal basis I try never to judge anyone's handling of this. I assume everyone does the very best that s/he can given what there is to work with, be that emotional, financial or logistical parameters.

We no longer have parents to care for. My father died at age 62, mother at 84 - she lived in her own government/taxpayer subsidized apartment until she died. I did a lot of things to help her be able to stay out of a nursing home in her later years. FIL lived at home until he died, he also got quite a bit of help from the kids and that allowed him to continue to live in his own home. MIL lived in a nursing home for over ten years.

My parents lives were kind of a mess (and in turn mine when I was a kid) and if either had needed nursing home care they would not have had the funds. It would have been paid for with government/taxpayer funds. My grandmother spent some time in a nursing home, paid for by government/taxpayer funds. My family barely got by financially and never saved much money.

My husband on the other hand grew up in a family with a father who had a good job his entire life. They had a nice life but were very frugal compared with what they could afford to spend. When MIL had to go to a nursing home FIL paid through a combination of a limited term LTC insurance plan and out of pocket. He would have been horrified at the thought of not paying his own way. And he NEVER would have cared if he had $ left to leave to his kids. They raised their kids and provided them with every opportunity to make a good life for themselves without being left an inheritance.

So I completely understand the need for a government/taxpayer funded safety net for people who just never got over the hurdle in life to make a decent living. But for those who had the good fortune to do so, I think it's so important to take personal responsibility for yourself. That may mean making material, spending sacrifices when you're younger to ensure you can take care of yourself when you're older. Maybe not so many vacations, new cars, cable TV channels, new smart phones, bigger and better homes, etc.

The thing I find so hard to take are those folks who are gifting as much money as possible to their adult children so if they require nursing home care they'll be able to have it paid for by government/taxpayers. I think that's a very sad state of affairs.

Pesky, my father was diagnosed with prostate cancer 13 years ago. He had his prostate removed and almost died, it was close.
He's still here- thankfully.
Go on vacation and don't think about home while you're gone.
Life goes on, people die, it will all be fine.
I have two old dogs, a Dad who is very, very elderly and fragile; and we still are planning on a vacation in December and have taken one every year.
Our life matters too.

Pesky; I'm sorry things continue to decline. Most of us know the history of your MIL; we also know you have always stepped up to the plate but at this time in your life; you have had enough.. I've done the same recently

I hope that someone speaks to the doctors to find out what kind of time frame she is dealing with. It's not fair if she is leaving everyone guessing. Doctors these days have a good idea of time frame; my dads newest oncologist gave a few weeks at most; yet he told us he could go another year with transfusions. I ordered his records after he passed & was pissed to find he lied to our faces. There's no reason your MIL's records can't be ordered.

I haven't been around much so I missed if you posted about the trip. Just make sure that you can live with whatever decision you make. That's the only thing that matters now.

~Hugs

Just wanted to let you all know (if you don't already) that you can purchase nursing home insurance. We did that after my dad passed away. My mom was then in her early 80s. It pays for a private room at nursing homes. And at the time the cost for her nursing home was $3,000/month (mid 1990s).

I don't know why people keep bringing up judging as if they're in need of defending themselves. It's been a bit since I read all of the threads but I don't recall one response that came off as judgmental; I do have to agree though that until you've stepped into the shoes of a care taker it's really hard to comprehend the amount of stress, emotion and work that's involved. The decision is a very personal one and shouldn't be taken lightly. Of course it's going to be easier for some to do than others, we all do what we can (again) based on our own experiences.

I used to wonder how people could say that sometimes it's harder for the caretaker than it is for the person who's actually ill, but NOW I totally get it. There are so many emotions, sacrifices and challenges involved, it's mind boggling. At 52 the only gray hair I had was a small stripe next to my bang; since my husband's diagnosis last June I've grayed at least 25% more just from the stress.

Oak, as you might recall my DH is a citizen of Sweden and lived there for a long time. Yes they do take care of their elderly, but socialized government is very expensive as well. Even though the Swedish don't have "insurance" per say, they still have to pay some hefty co-pays and that's after paying an arm and a leg in taxes. I could be wrong but I think it's something like 60% - 70% of your net income. Then their government has laws making it mandatory to support and house those who don't have employment. It's not a uncomfortable living situation so there is no incentive whatsoever to do anything but go to school (for free) and live off the government. That was back in the 90's, I'm sure it's changed some by now but not in a way that makes it any easier for the citizens.

I didn’t get the impression that anyone was judging, I think most people know that it is a very personal decision. I know I could not and would not care for my mother as a matter of my own sanity. I did offer to help my father in-law towards the end and he lives in England. He was being very stubborn about going into a facility or getting in-home help. My husband’s brothers work full time and could only do so much. He was a grumpy ole man but I could handle that. He on the other hand would accept no help and once he went into the hospital he never left till the end. I told my husband and children to stick me in a home. I have seen to many caregivers health deteriorate trying to care for elderly relatives and spouses. I would care for my husband till the end though or at least as long as I was able, he doesn’t like to be alone or in strange places. I’m not sure he’s equipped to care for me and I wouldn’t want him to if he had a few good years left. He’s kinda Raymond-ish and would probably put me in the tub for a bath and forget about me lol.

Jterrilyn, I love your DH already. While mine isn't likely to forget me in the tub, he is likely to forget to bathe me altogether. Especially if I protest as he hates conflict.

I believe if one has assets they should go toward your elderly care. When they are depleted Medicaid would take over. If they are not depleted then family inherits. No one goes bankrupt. If this were the norm nursing homes could afford to hire more staff. The government doesn't pay the full amount. As for taking care of elderly family at home if you can that is wonderful but if you can't you shouldn't feel guilty.

I was 18 when my father passed. He fell off a tall ladder at work and landed head first on the pavement. Had he survived, he would have been a vegitablle or at best a quadriplegic. The wonder of how we would have cared for him if he had survived had a big impact on me, so i went to work in a convalescent hospital to learn care taking skills. God forbid, if something ever happened to my mother or any one else in our family, i wanted to be prepared. I did that for a couple of years and luckily in some very well run homes. This was in the late 70's when finding good care was even harder than it is now.

Ironically, a few years later when my mother met our step father, we discovered I had taken care of his father who suffered from Alzheimer's disease (and was a real handful). Another irony was that our step father also ended up suffering from the same disease and passed as well a few years ago.

My mother kept him at home for as long as he was able to behave but eventually she had to place him in a home when she could not keep him off the roads. He knew it was likely he'd develop the disease too and planned well for it, so finances were not an issue.

I wonder what type of facility you end up in when on government assistance. It's not uncommon to hear of inadequate conditions in nursing homes.

My family has had experience with in-home care, to the eventual need for a nursing home. One went into a very expensive home for its time when assisted living apartments were new (I think). That situation was good but once they transferred to the hospital portion, the care was, surprisingly, not so good or what one would expect for that facility. It was not an inexpensive home and is in a very nice area. Another family member eventually cashed in on their veterans benefits towards the end. That was a terribly depressing and slack hospital environment where oversights in patient care were not infrequent.

It has been said that once in a home, elders often decline rapidly due to the loss of hope. They know they've reached the end and this is all that's left.

I saw my MIL yesterday, she seemed better than what DH had said. I do not believe she is imminent by any means. She's due for some 'experimental' treatment in mid-May-this is something the oncologist originally told us about, so it seems to me she's on track with what we'd originally learned. The CHF is new-brought on by the chemo. I truly believe that her DH is 80% of her demise at this point. He's got her 1 1/2 feet in the grave-is not being positive at all and now she's staying housebound with him instead of going out and enjoying life.

I AM going on my vacation-and if DH doesn't get on the plane, well, I'm going solo then. I've already made plans to meet up with others going to the concert (part of a fan forum group), so if i go solo, I have people to hang out with. But I think DH is going to go.

I told MIL yesterday that she ought to just go to the casino, she's always talked about it, but she just did her old goat thing and said 'naaaah'. Ok, fine, just sit there and pout then! For crying out loud!! It frustrates me that she is just giving up, but she's so overrun by her DH. My own mother older than her, in not the best health, and her DH has a lot of health problems, but the two of them just keep going and doing fun things they enjoy. (They complain about their aches & pains and the cost of everything, but they still go have fun). So to me, it's weird that she'll just give up on her dreams.

I really send out a hug to all caregivers. My boss has both her mother and her MIL at their house. MIL is terminal, so they have hospice come in frequently. Bosses husband works out of state and they alternate weekends of him coming home. She has a care attendant come in every day to care for the moms, but it's hugely expensive. Fortunately, she and her husband can afford it, and her mother's family is very well to do and they pay a portion of the home care. It seems that it'd be an ideal way to care for elderly folks, but you HAVE to have the money and space. I guess I am somewhat glad to know that we aren't going to have to care for MIL long term...not sure about my mom. But I do know my mom has assets to pay for LT care if it's needed.

pesky, what kind of cancer does MIL have?

She's got stage 4 uterine cancer. The cancer has spread to her liver (inoperable) and there may be nodes on her lungs.

Agree 150% with eandhl's comments above.

My beloved Uncle ended up on MediCal after he went through all of his assets. The day before he passed, he inherited $17,000. It all went to the State to reimburse them for his care. Just the way he would have wanted it. I have heard stories of people hiding assets to preserve inheritances. I think that is crazy wrong.

pesky, I know how you feel about putting off your plans. Of course, my situation was my mother, and we were very close. It was very hard to plan anything with air travel and hotels, and we did have to cancel on one trip, but, bought the insurance that goes along with it, so it was okay. My mom was pretty difficult in her last year-but I did know this really wasn't "her" and had to bit my tongue all the time. I know your MIL doesn't have that great of history with you anyway, but, my DH supported me in every way to be there for and with my mom with me. My mom had my dad too, but, I just felt I didn't want to miss anything that had to do with my mom. I certainly have no regrets, unlike I feel my brother and sister probably do, but, they weren't as close to my mom as I was.

Just so you know, since my mom knew she didn't have too long, she wouldn't go anywhere either. She wanted to stay by her family and where things were familiar to her, even though my dad could have taken her anywhere she wanted to go. People handle their terminal impending death differently and don't want to go and see the world.

I am not knocking you at all for feeling this way, because I, too, got irritated at not getting to do the things we used to do for awhile, but, I knew it was temporary, unfortunately.

My mom was also in denial in certain phases of her cancer, so your MIL could be experiencing that also. It does sound like your DH and your MIL are close, even though things have been tumultuous at times. I mean, who has the perfect MIL-very few people!

I am so sorry your family is going through this, as it is awful. I think you've already made up your mind what you are doing, but, sometimes it's hard to see the other person's side. It sounds like you have been through a lot with your MIL (and DH) in the past, and it seems as if MIL got diagnosis just when you reached the end of your rope with many things, and I don't blame you, but, at this point, you have stuck it out so far, and she may not have long.

It may turn out, your concert is just at the right time, who knows. I wouldn't cancel it, just keep in mind, you may have too. I know its hard all the uncertainty. And, hope you find peace with your decision.

Olliesmom makes some great points. While your MIL's death may not be imminent - she is terminal - right? I'm not sure if you said that before but by reading her diagnosis, I'm thinking that is the case.

I agree with Olliesmom about your MIL may not be herself right now. My mom actually dealt with her diagnosis (we knew it was terminal pretty much from the beginning) with more grace than I ever would be able to. But I know there were times she was scared. Nights were particularly hard for her. There were also times when medication altered her personality or even once when her magnesium was low - she was almost like a different person.

I am forever grateful we were able to keep her home (with the help of caregivers). My sister and I were able to spend lots of time with her, and of course, my dad. My brother lives out of town but close enough he and his wife came in many times for a weekend or several days to spend with her. We had other family and friends of my mom's in and out of the house - just about every day. My mom cherished those visits.

I'm curious - has hospice been mentioned to your husband's family? I ask because they were of such help to us. They had such understanding and compassion. When we recently started hospice for my grandmother (in an assisted living facility), I was thrilled to find that we would have the same nurse as my mom did.

My world changed overnight. I know it's different because it was my mom and not my MIL, but for those 4 months, my world revolved around my mother. It was the hardest thing I have gone through, but I wouldn't change keeping her home for anything. My husband was my rock through all of this and he spent time with my mom also. I couldn't have done what I did without him. I only say this because even if you want to step away from caring for your MIL, etc. your husband still needs you. Truly the best advice I received during my mom's illness was "this is not about you". I'm not trying to tell you what to do at all - only you can make that decision. I'd simply like to echo Olliesmom's last paragraph.

tina

Government paying for elder care? With what? The Feds are broke & so deep in the financial hole, we can't really pay for what we currently spend on.
tax receipts, spending & debt stats

I'd much, much rather see an entertainment tax on Hollywood & pro sports to pay for elder care -- plenty of money there.
I wonder how many old people could be cared for from the NFL's estimated $ 8 billion seasonal profits? And if you chip in from major league baseball or the NBA or pro golf... How about movie box office receipts:
weekend take from current movies (these are from the latest *weekend*, mind you). Time to end the Hollywood tax breaks, IMO, & ask them to chip into the social safety net.

If the government weren't spending so much money on military and war, there would be plenty of money for decent infrastructure, health care and education based on our current tax table.

It's all about priorities. Countries who don't spend money on wars treat their people far better than the USA does.

My aunt is spending $5,000. A month so she can stay in her home. The problem is, her workers are new into the country; they do not drive so can't take her to the Dr or store. She can't understand her help and they don't cook much of anything she will/can eat. She would have to pay much more for help In order to solve this problem.

Auntie never made $5,000. a month. They worked hard to save money. Like Oakley, she wants it to go to her kids. Heck, I'd take her in for $5,000. A month. I know what she likes to eat and her cultural background.

Maybe we will be getting back to the days of extended families rather than everyone being spread around. I think it's a shame that people don't know what to do with parents/elders once they get old. I would have loved living in a big extended family, with everyone joining together in caring for the children and elders. It seems the natural thing to do. Nothing to do with money. Everything to do with humanity. We're all in this together.

(I know some relatives are downright nasty so that is not a consideration for some people when they have the means to do otherwise. Nothing is right for everyone.)

awm03, is that option ever on the table? I agree it would be a great source of excessive, frivolous revenue to fund/solve some of our domestic problems.

"If the government weren't spending so much money on military and war, there would be plenty of money for decent infrastructure, health care and education based on our current tax table."

Great idea. Do you have any idea how to make humans stop trying to attack & dominate each other? Despite having peace & love preached to us over the last 45 years, this peace idea never seems to catch on world wide. Until that utopia arrives, a military seems necessary, unfortunately.

This is always a such a personal decision. I am asian and extended families was always the norm growing up. One of my best playmates when I was kid was my 88yr old grandma who could not walk but had a razor sharp mind for chess and dice games. We lived in an apartment and after school my friends from other apartments would also promptly show up to play. We did not consider it wierd. She had hardly any teeth and I remember once using the coffee grinder to grind her favorite salty snack to make it easier for her to chew and she was so thrilled at how clever I was. She taught me to cook from her perch and to this day I remember her when I use some of the techniques she taught me. I am sure it was hard for my mom and dad to take care of her and I don't know why none of her other 6 sons or 2 daughters took care of her. All I remember was memory of her. She has soft wrinkled skin that I used to love to put lotion on. I would put nail polish on her nails which were just gorgeous and she would laugh at my sillines in prettying up a old lady and be delighted at the same time. Now I have my 78 year old mother living with us. When my dad passed away a few years ago, we realized that my mom did not really know how to live by herself without taking care of someone. She was married at 16 and had never been independent. It naturally fell to me to have her live with us and the reasoning was simple. I have a young daughter who is 8 and it would be good for her to live with an older person and understand all aspects life and aging. My mom needs to keep active and living with us gives her a purpose. She loves to cook and it gives her vigor and she is much healthier and engaged with life when she feels useful. I am remodeling my kitchen and I took into consideration a lot of things so that she could continue to enjoy cooking - lower counters, induction to avoid flames, easy to open containers, ADA seat in the shower etc. I want her to be active and feel useful as long as she can. She laughed and thought it was so funny when I measured her armreach to set up the mise en place. I am not saying it is all rosy. Some of the signs of aging such as tendency to repeat stories can be annoying and DH and I laugh about it. I know my sister who has her aged MIL with her really hates it because her MIL is negative and does not really help with anything even when she could. But it is not all bad. But times are changing and as more elder care facilities open up in asia more and more people are opting to live there instead of extended families. Some people prefer to live in assited living for the social aspect. I do realize that my mom sometimes feels lonely as DH and I are rushing around with work and life. I have to remind myself to check in and spend some time chatting with her and I realize that it helps me slow down as well. I am also learning lesson on how to age gracefully and be a nice grandma when I grow old :)

What a touching story Gwlolo! Heck, I want to take care of your mom! Why can’t all moms and grandmoms be like yours? My mom won’t even get her own glass of water when she’s at my house. She even pretended not to know how to use my very simple washing machine. She is only in her early seventies, has all her mental facilities and is healthy but tries to act old and very feeble so people will wait on her 24/7.

Met with my MIL over the weekend. She's still in pretty good spirits, and is not imminent. Her DH is trying to make her give up on things she enjoys and to start selling off her stuff-he's got her halfway in the grave. She's mad at him for that, but she won't just go do what she wants to do.

I feel fine about going on our trip. She told me she told my DH that he'd better go and just have fun. She was a little upset that I hired a house/pet sitter-but I knew that it'd be too much for her and DH would have a fit if we were counting on her to do the job. He'd be calling home every 15 minutes!

Hospice will have to come in to play eventually-but I don't think she's ready yet. We haven't been told she's going to die in 3 months-but we do know that she's going to die sooner than later. But it really could be years, you never know!

I heard something the other day about Valerie Harper and she said that she's got inoperable cancer, it's terminal only because it can't be stopped-but that's not going to stop her from living while she can. That is precisely what I'm doing now with my life-ticking off items on the bucket list and just going to have a zest for life.

pesky, it is good you are thinking about yourself too. I know I am doing more and going more places now since my mom is gone because I realized then I need to do things on my bucket list.

pesky, it is good you are thinking about yourself too. I know I am doing more and going more places now since my mom is gone because I realized then I need to do things on my bucket list.

Pesky, oh what a shame mil’s husband is acting that way but I don’t know maybe there is a reason such as he thinks she needs to stay busy with something? My aunt whom I have mentioned before has seven inoperable brain tumors. She is the most amazing women and is I think a year past the normal life expectancy so far. She is still holding steady! She is not getting better but is not getting worse. At this point only her motor skills have been affected but her mind is still intact. She can still communicate normally, play scrabble and is still living a full social life and recently had the joy of her first grandchild. No one thought she would live this long. It’s hard to say with cancer these days as there have been so many advancements. I don’t think anyone should put their lives on hold. There are life expectancies and then there is life.

We brought my MIL here for two years and I thought I enjoyed having her here. But she had dementia and she never left DH alone. Finally one day he couldn't take it anymore and he decided to put her in a nursing home. I could not BELIEVE how wonderful life was when she moved out. All that time, I thought I enjoyed having her here, but I didn't realize how much of my own life I had given up.

I think there comes a point where people have to weigh the benefit to the elder, against the drawbacks to the younger. In other words, is keeping the person at home so much better for them that it is worth whatever sacrifice you are making? Often the answer is NO, because they really do prefer the routine of a nursing home. We try to bring my MIL here for visits, but as soon as she arrives she wants to go back!

I know it's a hard decision for anyone and I think people just have to know their own limitations and act accordingly.

Cindy makes a great point. As mentioned, my parents had my grandmother living with them for years. In fact, when my stepmother met/married my dad, she moved into a home with her husband and his mother there...and dad was 60+ at the time!

Stepmom was a champ and did so much for my grandmother. However, my parents travel a lot and eventually grandmom couldn't stay alone for weeks or months in the house. Parents found a nursing home that was really very nice and after MUCH coaxing grandmother stayed there when the 'rents were away. After protesting and dreading and complaining about being "put away" (her words) my grandmother really liked it! For one thing, she had company which was not the case at home where she spent a lot of time alone. A regular routine, meals in a nice dining room (grandmother couldn't cook for herself anymore), laundry taken care of, etc.

It's so complicated and there are definitely places that one wouldn't send a dog much less a relative...but there is also IMO a real stigma about nursing homes. In a lot of situations they are a positive change no only for the caregiver but for the elderly person too.

Unfortunately, the nice ones are really expensive!

Somewhere above in this thread I saw someone say that almost everyone they know that put a parent in a nursing home says they wish they had done it sooner.

I know cases where the elderly person said she wished she had moved to a home sooner.

It's really amazing how important routine becomes to elders. The average home just doesn't run like clockwork 7 days a week. We had a strict routine for my MIL M-F...she went to a daycare program that she LOVED. But on the weekends, she was extremely disoriented and unhappy here. We are very boring compared to the Daycare.

The reason I agreed to send her to the home was that because of her dementia it had gotten to the point where we had locked her out of most areas of the house, I was having to really fight to get her to shower, etc. I felt like the private "home" we were offering her, was no longer any better than what the nursing home offered.

And of course, when in doubt, you can always take them back out of a nursing home if you change your mind.

I wish we had daycare for the elderly 7 days a week. I think so many people could keep their loved ones at home if they had that option. On M-F MIL was only here for dinner and of course she went to bed very early. She was up at dawn and would have knocked me out of the way to get to the bus that picked her up in the morning, lol.

I've seen private nursing homes up close and I've seen the places that take medicare. In my area, there is not enough difference to pay for the private place.

BUT, I know that in NJ, the nursing homes are HORRIBLE. The few private places, have waiting lists that are years long. My grandmother offered one of them an extra $100,000 to get my grandfather in, but they just couldn't do it. She moved to Maryland to be able to get him into a decent place.

My cousin built a gorgeous in-law apartment onto his home for his parents. Then his dad developed dementia and some physical problems. My cousin was able to pay for aides to watch his dad, because after a while my aunt simply couldn't keep up with his wanderings and her health was suffering because she never had an uninterrupted night's sleep.

Then Cousin had to hire physical therapists and home nurses to fully take care of his father's needs. He kept his dad at home for 5 years after the dementia (not Alzheimer's) developed. During this time, my aunt, my cousin and cousin's wife were very involved in caring for my uncle.

The difference in their lives once Uncle was in a safe nursing home was dramatic and immediate. My cousin's wife had always looked tired. She never came to showers or birthday parties or just "the girls" get-togethers. Within a month, she looked 10 times better--better rested, more cheerful, able to take the time to come to small family get-togethers.

My aunt looked rested and relaxed for the first time in years. My cousin seemed happier, although he felt very guilty about "putting his father in a home." Their kids were able to make a little more noise around the house, without having to be constantly shh'd for making too much noise, both inside and out.

I've seen similar reactions. I always knew one good friend's grandmother as a shy, mouse-like person, always clinging to her husband's arm. Once her husband died, it was like night and day. Because she no longer had to help him walk, and stand guard so that he wouldn't make inappropriate comments, and watch that he didn't eat the wrong thing, in short, once she was free to actually live her life instead of spending 24/7 caring for her husband, she returned to the vibrant, interesting person I'm sure she was before her husband got ill.

Caring for an elderly parent is hard. There is no shame in admitting that you can't do all the work yourself. No shame in deciding to do what is best for the entire family, not just one member of that family.

"No shame in deciding to do what is best for the entire family, not just one member of that family."

That sums up my feelings better than I ever could camlan.

Reading these posts shows that there are no easy answers and everyone's situation is different.

My father died two weeks after having a heart attack at age 70. My mother at 85 was given anywhere from a few weeks to few months for lung cancer. She did not have a great insurance plan, basically a plan for low-income seniors. The last couple of weeks we tried to get her into inpatient Hospice, but they were full. My nephew worked there, and we still couldn't get her in. She went to a nursing home for those last couple weeks. Had we known, we would've just brought her home and paid for the 24-hour care which would have probably been the same amount or even less, but hindsight is 20-20.

I told my son that if it ever comes down to "you personally" having to change my diaper . . . that's it, do what you have to do to get rid of me.