OT? How to deal with DH's horribly cheap family? LONG
loralee_2007
15 years ago
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gellchom
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agocarla35
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
So it's a done deal. Very long. Very.
Comments (27)I had to laugh about the lawn mowing thing. I am the eldest of 3 girls. I had never, ever even dreamed of mowing the lawn or shoveling snow. The latter remains unexperienced. Mow!? Shovel!? "I don't think so," she replied disdainfully. However, never say never. When we moved out here, DH was still working 7 days a week, sometimes 16 hours a day. Waiting for him to mow was just plain (crazy) rude. We didn't have the $$ to pay someone for 3 hours' worth of mowing, so..... He once said that he had to call my mom with the weirdest thing he'd ever heard me say: "I'm going to mow the lawn, then I'm going to Wal-Mart." O. M. G. But my lawn's mowed, I have my seasonal bummy poision ivy, and it looks purty. My lawn, not my bummy. (You forget that ladies also don't spit, pick their noses [or bottoms] or teeth, have gas, burp, use the word "cheap" [unless in relation to another's look or behavior], swear, wear curlers in public, and many other elements of deportment. I guess admitting to mowing the lawn is something my mom has gotten over. Or, being a lady, is just chosing to ignore it. Out of sight...)...See MoreShould I give dh a chance or give dh the cold shoulder?
Comments (17)Don't give him cold shoulder. Lay it all out. Specifically. I don't like it when you _____________ because I feel _____________ when that happens. Then tell him what you will do. Example. My 7 year old (yep, because that's how old your dh is acting!!) keeps not appreciating what I do for her. Not only that, but acting like a little brat prior to us doing fun stuff. I finally told her today that I am tired of feeling like this. I told her I cannot control what she does, but I can control how I react to it. So the next time she doesn't listen to me about eating in the living room or whatever, I'm not going to get all upset. We're just not going to do the fun stuff we had planned. Then I won't feel that she's taking advantage and martyr myself. End game. I think she got it. So, what will you do when DH does something like that? DH: I think your tattoos are hideous. You: I apologize for my husband. That was innappropriate to say to you, a guest in our home. Would you like to come with me to the patio for some tea? DH: Rush Limbaugh is an idiot, I don't see how any smart person could listen to him. You must be an idiot. You: It's obvious we have different opinions on this subject. Aren't politics a heated subject!! By the way, Aunt Jen, this is a lovely coffee cake. How did you make it so fluffy and light? By doing that, it takes the attention from him, lets him and everyone know that you won't stand for it, and lets him off without the humility of being kicked or told off. Just smile, and cut him off at the chase. Diffuse while in the heat of it, then when you get him alone have specific things to tell him, without anger or blame....See MoreDealing with a family of Hoarders...
Comments (45)My parents were packrats and are now hoarders (living in filth/squalor with five inside dogs). It's become worse over time. Even if they want to change and clean up their lives, I think they've lost the will power. I do believe they are lazy and irresponsible (they blame each other for the situation) but also probably have mental illness to confound the situation. Additionally, they live like they are poor and mom has always felt like she had to scrape by on little or nothing. I do not actually know their financial situation but my dad recently lost his business and my mom refuses to get a job (that's not how she would put it but that's essentially what she's doing). They also have a bad marriage and seem to enjoy having heated arguments where they place blame and critcize each other. My maternal grandmother is also a hoarder (even of people--which I never realized was what she was doing until I read it in this thread, LOL). I'm in my early thirties and, recently, it has really started to bother me b/c I'm worried about them and the way they are living; I know there is nothing I can do to change them. Furthermore, my 18 year old brother lives with them and I have no idea how he's being affected but he seems to have no happiness in his life, no goals, no plans, no nothing. He won't get a job and he seems to be a reluctant junior college attendee. He won't talk about it with me. I have two other brothers, both in their 20s. One is schizophrenic and lives in another state, the other is still in college and seems to have a large chip on his shoulder regarding my parents and how terrible they were. He often uses whatever opportunities he can to put our parents down. I worry that some of the things I do are just precursors to early packrat behavior which may lead to hoarding one day. I don't understand what's going on with them, or me, or what is considered "normal" vs. "wasteful". My mother thinks I'm wasteful because I donate perfectly useable things; she thinks I'm selfish for not letting her peruse everyhing I want to donate (in case she wants something). Recently I saw she had a stack of at least 20 washed single-serving yogurt containers in her kitchen (along with a bunch of other disposable/recyclable plastic containers). I inquired what they were for and she said she wanted to give them to my son (he's almost three) to stack and to play with. I said no--he already has all the wooden blocks that we played with as children b/c mom couldn't bear to part with those when we outgrew them (and she was very pleased to finally be able to pass them along to her grandson). I can understand the blocks, they are special and my grandfather made many of them, but why the yogurt containers? She also had a yellow scooter she proudly rescued from someone's trash. She wanted to give it to my son--who has a bike--and I said no. Later I found she put it into my car, we ended up putting it back into the trash because it had a large crack. I've recently begun to discuss this issue with a counselor but, prior, I have lived in total shame that my parents live like this and that I have possibly similar tendencies....See MoreOT: Sweat Equity. Huh? (Very long, as usual)
Comments (36)Hey guys! Thank you SO much for all your concern and support! I'm not getting notifications (again) for some reason, and have been working my tail off. It's extremely, frighteningly slow this month, so I'm taking all the shifts I can. Like everything, this will pick up, but in the meanwhile, I'm one pooped, too-old-for-this woman. (Feels weird to call myself a "woman"!) Anyway, to answer a few questions: Bankruptcy isn't in the picture because I'd lose the condominium & its' $500 a month. $500 a month helps me take care of the bills I do pay. My insurances & some of my primary mortgage. Because I don't pay the ones I cannot even pretend to cover (the ones he'd agreed to pay), I am getting by and this money makes ends meet. One debt at a time; they're not going anywhere. Community (i.e. 50/50) property. Sure. MD, too. But it doesn't divide the debt. I'd end up out on my bummy with my pets, still in debt with no place to live. He walked away leaving me without a choice in the matter. The blood I've out into this place has me possessive. He doesn't want it, instead simply wants to be absolved of 18 years of financial responsibility. berardmr, I didn't know you were close! Very cool. I'm thinking someday when I can actually paint, I'll get all my paint colors together and invite everyone for the weekend. Bring sleeping bags, campers, kids and pets. I have a grill and paint supplies, and yes, potties! Yeah! Adding fuel to the legal fire. I just emailed my lawyer (whom I really like) to tell him that I qualified for a gov't program for the condominium to lower my interest rate from 6.75 to about 3.99. Quicken Loans and my mortgage holder contacted me, then said I can't do it because of the judgment against me for one of the bills STBX is supposed to handle. So the consequences of his behavior are far reaching. I can't even have a checking account because it's frozen. Welcome to the life of prepaid Visas and money orders. I'm feeling a little encouraged, though. Lawyer is constantly amazed at the history and behavior. I just sent him a few links (he's probably reading this now!) rather than trying to relive it all. He feels a "judge will be disgusted with him." Keeping in mind STBX can read all this too, [waving hello with middle finger thoughts] I try to be fair and give him opportunities to consider the right things to do. [was that a pig that flew by my window?] I'm also putting the doors on my MBR Tansu I've been working on for going on 7 years. If I can get pictures, you know I'll post them! Thanks again, all. You're unbelievably wonderful friends to have and I am grateful to have you. C....See Moreasolo
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3 years ago
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