I think it depends on what else he did with his day and what his plans are for after graduation. How old is he? Is he just hanging around watching TV or is he actually being productive in some way for part of his day.

Our DS2 is like your son. Smart, strong-willed, (so much so that a counsellor came to our house when we were having some problems with him and recommended us to a Parenting course for strong-willed children. You can only get into this course with a recommendation. Yea us!) and he also thought that homework was unnecessary. His marks, without doing anything were a little better than your son's. But his assignments were always done and he always passed his exams.

But, we also knew from grade 9 that he did not want to go to university and truthfully there was nothing there for him. He wanted to go to our local community college that had a 4 year degree program in tourism and it was a portfolio based acceptance. That meant that marks were only a part of the acceptance and the rest was based on volunteer work, paid work focused in the tourism industry, sport participation, letter of intent, interview, etc. Those were the things that he focused on.

It was so hard for me to let go of the mark thing but when I saw him focusing on the other things and that he did have a full life I had to let go. I had to recognize that he had a plan and that the battles over the marks just had to take a back seat.

The one thing I always remember about this parenting class is the opening line from the psychologist who taught it and that was - Strong willed children, if their parents don't kill them first (he was being facetious), are in his experience very successful as adults. He also suggested though, that as teenagers their world is very black and white and reasoning with them can be difficult.

The only thing I can suggest is to talk to him about his plans for the future and find out what is required for his desired field of study and then work on the other requirements. The one thing I can tell you is that a C average (AP or not) will not get him into a university where I live.

Some kids are interested in school for schools sake. They want to get good grades and the better the grade the better. We live in a town which is highly competitive.
Interestingly enough, both my daughters were not competitive. My oldest is naturally smart and had good grades. only took two AP classes. She got into all top schools. When she picked her university she said, "I did half the work and wound up in the same place."
My youngest had a B average and the guidance counselor recommended lower tiered schools, due to the competitive nature of all the schools. Well, I used the top 100 schools as my guide and she picked 10. She got into 8.
So, schools are taking kids well below what they say are, especially if you are paying out of state. There is a place some where if this is what he wants.
All this being said, you might want to see a career counselor. Not everyone is cut out for college and some kids take time off and then go to college.
You need a plan. You cannot force your son to do better if he is determined not to, but I think if you develop a plan with your son he will be proactive in the success of the plan.

I did the bare minimum in homework in school and I never went to class in college. I did better than Cs though, and got into good schools because of my standardized test scores, although my GPA was only about a 3.2.

No one could have made me do more than I had to in school because I saw school as a means to an end. I wanted to get through so I could get a good job, I did not see the point in learning a lot of the stuff that they made us learn just for the sake of it and I still don't, I'm glad I had more fun in high school and college and did less homework.

If your son has a plan for the future or something he wants to do, I would focus on ways to support that rather than focusing on the homework battle. Maybe internships, etc. which would look good on a college application and/or a future resume.

If he wants to go to a top college or do some type of career that requires him to go to a top college, then maybe a college counselor or someone (non-parent) could emphasize the importance of doing homework as a means to that end.

That said, when I was in school, my college counselor said the undergrad school didn't matter as long as you went somewhere halfway decent, it was the grad school that made all the difference as far as being able to get the best jobs when you are done w/ school. I think that is true, my undergrad was OK but it was my law degree from a really good school that has opened doors for me.

So, even if your son doesn't want to focus now on doing more work to get into a top school, if he gets in somewhere then he could potentially find something he's really interested in in college and use his intelligence to excel then when he wants to.

Agreed with ellendi.

Our daughter sounds SO much like your son. She is rebelling against the mindless homework required and the stultifying class meetings...her grades vacillate between 0 and 100 -- basically when she does the work, she gets A+s, and when she doesn't, well, that's the other number. She's a natural born world-learner, and fitting into a huge bureaucracy isn't her style and it never will be.

We are lucky in that there is an option sponsored by the SD that allows juniors to start attending the local community college, which actually is better than the public high schools, and allows kids more respect and latitude in their daily schedules. There's also a tutor center on campus every day. DD will be able to take 4 hours of classes a day, get it out of the way, do homework *there*, and come home and practice flute. High school schedule is just too micromanaged and filled with cr*p like mandatory study hall and 'advisory' where kids bs and hang out for 45 mins...great use of time. She knows other kids who are going to the program and she's excited about learning once again. I don't know what we would have done if we didn't have this option.

Kids can regain their sense of self there and have been accepted to 4-year colleges all over the map; a friend of mine's daughter got accepted from there to Smith, Wellesley, and Bryn Mawr, to name a few. She's taking a gap year and going to Bryn Mawr. After rebelling against school altogether before finding the cc program.

Can you see if there's anything like that for your son? He may discover his own autonomy and own drive again. Maybe he can just test into community college himself and get double credit? We've also been told that it happens mostly to intelligent, creative kids who feel stifled and disrespected, and *far* more often than you hear about or assume. Not everyone is meant to work in a bureaucracy, so not everyone is going to do well in a school bureaucracy.

How old is your son, and what type of school does he attend?

Is he the type that "goes all in" when he is interested in something, sports, or outdoor activity, or hobby, or reading,?

Is he a socially successful/likeable person?

Does he feel that homework is practice to master/memorize concepts that he "gets" at first grasp?

Can he engage in deep analysis on something of interest?

Does he have trouble sitting still and concentrating?

Does he have issues with authority/being told something "has" to be done?

Is he a naturally smart person?

Does he not like to do something he is not sure he can do well?

More info please.

I think it is not unusual at that age to not have much insight to how you yourself learn or acquire information.

I have a nephew who is pretty brilliant, Phi Beta Kappa, etc., and his mother, who has a doctoral equivalent (minus thesis) in an area of education that evaluates how one "learns", partly, says he never had any understanding of how he learned as a teenager, and he still has very little, which is problematic because he is a college instructor.
She thinks has a little more insight than our other nephew who is plagued by learning disabilities and has yet to finish his GED.

The nieces, who are all smart enough, but in between these two extremes are neither brilliant enough to just assimilate without knowing how, nor struggle so much that they Don't know how to learn. They had to study and "learn how to learn".

Part of it may be gender related in terms of behaviors. My educator sister knew how to study and was high school valedictorian. I did Not really understand how to teach myself in high school and had a LOT of anxiety about not knowing how to learn what I had trouble learning and it led to avoidance behavior. I was afraid I might not be able to learn some things even if I really tried, and I think that scared me (Calculus still does, in this regard). But in college and in my doctorate I learned how to process information and did much better than my sister, grade-wise. By the time I got my design degree I was finally valedictorian, mostly because I knew how to process large volumes of information so much better than the typical art student.

Thanks for the responses. I edited my OP to make clear that his GPA is more like a mid-B. So he would definitely get into the second tier universities here. But, if he's not going to do the work, wouldn't it be simpler to just take 20 k out back and set it on fire?

Blfenton - yes, he has very strong interests. Music, natural sciences (but not math, uh oh...), very strong views on the environment! He is very conflicted about what he wants to do. I think his school focuses too much on picking an "academy" for their high school years which supposedly helps them choose the right college / major. I think it is too much pressure for some kids. He spends his spare time playing music, fishing, and working at his part time job. (the one thing we have not yet taken away - perhaps not a wise idea).

Ellendi - I agree he needs a plan, but he is really confused. He is very interested in a career involving scientific research (out in the field, in nature) but does not think he wants to go to college for years and years.

Beagles - he sounds much like you in high school (but probably much less mature). He does not not care about going to a top school. He really wants to find a meaningful career that he would really love. But I think that's pretty rare.

Flyleft - he definitely feels disrespected! We do plan to look into the community college option, as he is in 11th grade but has enough credits to graduate, but I worry that would simply give him more time to waste.... I also don't want to reward poor behavior.

I empathize with him but I do not wish to coddle him. I see many parents, in my opinion, catering to their children too much. I fear for some of these kids when they get out in the real world where the boss is not concerned with their self esteem. I think he has it pretty easy, we enthusiastically courage his interests, etc. So why is doing the #$%@# homework too much to ask?

I am getting the idea that the consensus here is that this is a losing battle? Maybe homework is not a basic responsibility?

I have a career I love, so I think it is still possible to find one!

I really resented the busywork homework and the waste of time learning stuff I was never going to use.

Is there an internship or something that your son could do? Rather than fighting about homework, maybe you could make a deal- he has to keep his grades at the basic level they are at and you won't bug him about homework BUT he has to spend x number of hours a week volunteering at a nonprofit that does environmental work, etc.

Doing something like that could help him to find something that he wants to do for a career and could help him to stand out more on a college application than a slightly higher GPA would anyway.

JMHO - I wouldn't take away his part-time job. It gives structure to his week and is probably aiding in increasing his maturity (although you may not see it). Is there a parks department, or aquarium where he could do some volunteer work or as beagles suggested an internship of some sort?

In Canada we have what are called Technical schools. My DS1 went there after 3 years of mucking around at a college. He did manage to scrap enough credits to get an associate degree in history but then what? He had always enjoyed real estate and the Technical school offered a 2-year diploma course in business real estate development. Technical schools are NOT for the faint of heart but what they do is offer a 2 year concentrated course of studies in a specific field of study.

What they don't include is all the garbage electives (DS1's words) that the rest of us had to take to fill out our degrees. The courses are narrowly focused so that they only study classes that are pertinent to their field of study and interest. No English 100, or sociology or a language or a science requirement (unless you are taking a science field of study).... The program is laid out so that the kids all take the same classes, classes are usually smaller and it is a set timetable.

Anyway, just something that perhaps you or your son could research.

With so many college grads out of work, there are some colleges that are redirecting their focus.
Get a copy of the Occupational Handbook and look through it with your son. Something might peak his interest.
If he is a mid B student, I would not get overly involved in his homework.
A friend of my sister once said this about his daughter, Why can't she just be stupid?" Their daughter, a sweet, attractive, nice girl had so many learning difficulties. High Schools push for the kids to be the best. So really in a loving way,(the stupid was said in humor) he wanted her to be herself and whatever that potential was it was fine. Stop the stressing.
Again, my youngest was the same as your son. She did struggle her first year, but greatly improved by the time she graduated.
I often think too, that a gap year is not a bad idea for many kids. It is just not popular in my town and so most kids don't consider it.
The gap year works only if a college acceptance is in place and you are deferring for the following year.

I wanted to add - I feel for you and your son. I have two great sons who always knew that the standard university route was not for them. That may be where your son does end up but the road like the one we followed was a little rocky. Know that you are not the only parent who went through this and I think it is equally frustrating for our children as well.

Our kids always knew that it was important to do something after high school. Grade 12 just doesn't seem to cut it anymore. We didn't care if they wanted to be a plumber (actually we would have loved it if one of our sons went into the trades but it wasn't to be) or a hairdresser. But some training was necessary.

The only thing we insisted on was that right after Grade 12 they had to do first year and then if they wanted to take a gap year they could do so. We wanted them to get English 100 and their science requirement out of the way and then take a couple of extra courses. We didn't want them to take time out right after high school grad only because we didn't want them to become afraid of going back to school and then being out of sync with their friends. DS1 did take a year out after 2 years and DS2, only because of the way his program went took 9 months out. They both traveled to ski resorts and taught skiing. (DS2 went to Japan to teach - how exciting is that!) It did them a world of good.

Sorry to be so long winded about this. I just feel it's really important that we support our kids in their education but not to push them where they don't want to go.

Honestly, sometimes we cannot see the forest through the trees. He is a young man with compassionate interests and reasonable intelligence who is bored by thing he doesn't find interesting.

It sounds like your son is very typical for his age.

You might consider asking him what he thinks about putting himself through 1-2 years of community college, and that you will pay for years 3-4 At a university.

You also are right to be concerned if his unwillingness to do homework, especially in math, which requires both insight and practice to master, will leave him unprepared to study areas of interest in college. He needs to find a way to learn his stuff. It can be online, prep course, self directed study, whatever works.

He has already done quite a number of things - summer volunteering has led to a extra summer job at a park, he's been allowed to leave school in order to do stuff with his fly fishing / environmental group (which could lead to an internship if he would get his act together), etc. He has lots of options! But I can't force him to take advantage of them. His grades will suffer as he currently does no homework /projects whatsoever. He does not want to discuss anything at this time. I can't make him do anything... things would just escalate until ??? I kick him out of the house? Pointless.

Enough about him... He is so strong-willed that there's not much I can do. I have another teen son who is his polar opposite. So let's talk about me :) I really meant to ask general questions about parenting.

1) Should a 17 year old be punished for not doing their schoolwork?
2) Is there a point when a parent can responsibly say: "It's your life, I wish you luck, Let me know if I can help you with anything"

Pal - how does one learn how to learn? Why do some kids simply start reading while others need to be taught? I do wish they reintroduced some rote memorization in the early grades - as least giving the kids some practice in studying.

I wonder about these gender differences. Why do today's young women outperform the young men - "crushing them" according to some school administrators.

It's really hard to spend the whole day in school. It seems that half the school day is time wasted doing stuff that doesn't have real world applications. Both my kids are bright and doing relatively well but this is their number 1 complaint. My daughter was academically strong and is now in college having found something she feels passionately about she is on her way. My son, the younger child, is not sure what he wants to do but we've found him a summer program and are putting him in situations where hopefully he and his passion will cross paths. He is a young man whose gifts are not always visible or apparent on standard tests or in classroom work. He does okay, has a 3.4, but that is not nearly enough to get into a top school. If he's lucky he'll get into our state college. So be it. He hates school but does his work and understands that he has to go. Luckily he really enjoys the social aspect of school and misses his friends when he doesn't see them every day. I am not too worried, he's going to have to find his own way just like the rest of it. I am so blown away sometimes by his kindness, empathy, and natural good manners. He has a kind of charisma that people respond to and, in the whole scheme of things, I think that will be much more important to him than higher grades. His report cards always comment on these aspects of his character. I bet your son has gifts of his own, both mentally and emotionally, that schools do not clock or figure into his grades. It is always easier to move someone in the direction that they grow naturally. If I were you I would be trying to assess just what that is and think about how I could help put opportunities in his path that might awaken his passion. Sometimes, they don't do the work because they can't see how it will carry them forward into a future they want. It can all seem so abstract. One aspect of ADD, not that you've mentioned anything about ADD, is that people with ADD seem to be able to develop very strong powers of concentration when they are given something to do that they really like. Just seemed worth mentioning.

I would not take away the part-time job. There is a lesson in it. At some point, the part time job is all you have to look forward to if you do not strive to go further. The work is fine while in high school but will it be fulfilling for the rest of his life?

While this does not help with homework, I can tell you about my DH. He did well in school. Smart guy, driven, etc. He was accepted at the Naval Academy (no small feat) but crushed and burned there. Went on to the Marine Corps and served 4 years, got married, had a baby, returned to school. Even then he was not really sure what he wanted to do so thought about a business major. One accounting course took care of that, he hated it.

Eventually he took a "soft" science, Natural Science or something like that. I noticed he was enjoying the topic and mentioned maybe he should look into majoring in it. He did and now works with water rights. Working in water rights was not something even remotely on his radar at the time he was in high school but now he likes his work. I think part of the problem in high school education is that so very many of the classes are geared towards college expectations but do very little to broaden the mind and discover what is potentially out there.

I must be old school. When my kids were in HS and *decided* they didn't 'want to do homework', they would find themself grounded, possibly for several weekends. Harsh, yes, but as parents we need to learn that babying isn't reality in a grown up world. In order to get you need to give, give better grades by doing homework and you'll get your free time.

Having NO expectations from a child shouldn't be an option. My kids are adults and I can't tell you how many time I've been told, "I wish you and Dad would have been harder on me". My oldest son enjoys what he does, but it's work that won't give him a pension, and he works 6 days a week on commission only. He's also locked into a position that will take him nowhere, unless he starts his own business. Youngest son works at a law firm, but again, it's a dead-end job.

Please talk to your son and maybe school counselors. By his blasé attitude his future years could put him in a situation where there may be no going back. We're in a fast paced world where the next guy is better than the last, time is money, and job security gone. A teenager cannot think for him/herself, so it IS up to us to think for him/her.

Homework IS stupid and unnecessary, esp at the HS level.

IMO, college is completely different than busywork HS. I loved college. Finally, I felt like things had meaning. But, most of us have no idea what we want to do at such a young age. Unless you have a lot of money to spare, I think travel + community college are fantastic options. Community colleges often have dynamic professors, too.

I have homeschooled my children off/on, and more important than content, I believe, is the idea discussed above-- HOW does one learn? This is what I focus on with them. They take a lot of their learning into their own hands, and then we can talk about the process. But, in order to actually want to learn (not just pass a test and forget everything), one usually has to be interested in the topic . . .or later in life, mature enough to see it as part of the bigger picture (a stepping stone to the ultimate goal).

Definitely check out Race to Nowhere, too.

Here is a link that might be useful: Race to Nowhere

Judithn -- our DD has ADD-Primarily Inattentive and she has exactly that hyperfocus you're talking about. She just *can't* make herself do work she doesn't want to (and it's taken me a decade to understand that it fits into a larger syndrome), but if she's interested? Sky's the limit. She'll master fields to a college level all by herself or use any help she can get.

Is there any possibility of ADD in your son? Not all ADD involves hyperactivity. Here's a link, just in case it can be helpful.

Here is a link that might be useful: self-test for ADD-PI

My point of view: Three kids of varying abilities from above average to extremely bright. Completely different personalities, approaches to school. Homework, work in general. Different levels of achievement in school. One diagnosed with ADD, then undiagnosed.

My opinion--- it doesn't matter whether your kid likes school, doesn't like school or homework, has ADD or anything else (except a serious learning disability or developmental delay). They're all expected to do the work in school, period. It is NOT difficult. Most high school exit exams are a joke, they are that easy. High school can be passed with a B average by going to class, going over notes daily, doing homework. Whether or not the student "likes" it is completely irrelevant. Someone who does only what he/she likes will never be a successful adult, parent, employee, employer, spouse, citizen. That is the reality of life. It would be wonderful if everyone's life were filled with only interesting, fun, challenging activities and expectations. A person who wants his/her kid to have that kind of learning experience must either look far and wide for the right school, or homeschool. Neither of those are options for very many people, and even then there are things that will have to be learned in order for the student to advance.

A lot of high school is stultifying. Some kids can leapfrog over the "boring" stuff by leaving high school very early and entering college in a special program (not living at home and going to a CC). There aren't many of these nationwide, and these programs have varying success. One of our kids did this and has mixed feelings about it at age 29. Another kid, DD, was in special math programs since middle school and is now, at age 26, a highly paid consultant who lives in one city and works all over the US. Youngest is still in college, so so student, was so so in HS (in our family so so is a 3.5). Looking at them today and their school histories, you'd never be able to guess where they rank with each other in intelligence.

The homework has to be done, but it is the student's job, and you probably have less control over the outcome than you realize.

This post was edited by kswl on Wed, Mar 20, 13 at 7:56

flyleft, My son does have ADD. He was diagnosed at the children's hospital when he was 15 and yes, it is the inattentive type. He is a very different boy with treatment and the support of a therapist. His diagnosis was rather late and many years were wasted blaming his problems on other things.

I was thinking of this in context of the strong willedness of the OP's son because I would also have described my son in those terms. After we dug deeper and got his diagnosis and then got some help he started to accept that his attitude was not helping him any. He is doing much better now, is more pleasant and also seems happier.

He was also a very anxious and often depressed child, very anxious young teen, before we got help for him. I even took him to a center for anxiety for almost 2 years of therapy! This was at a major university where they specialized in this sort of thing. I asked repeatedly of the therapist at the anxiety center: Is there a chance he has ADD? She insisted repeatedly: No.

Well, she was wrong and when I think of the years wasted on an incorrect diagnosis I cringe. But anxiety IS part of ADD too. Lots of people, professionals included, associate ADD with destructive wild behavior and fail to realize it has other forms. So when I hear strong willed and anxious I can't help but wonder if there's more to this picture. ADD might be an issue.

flyleft, My son does have ADD. He was diagnosed at the children's hospital when he was 15 and yes, it is the inattentive type. He is a very different boy with treatment and the support of a therapist. His diagnosis was rather late and many years were wasted blaming his problems on other things.

I was thinking of this in context of the strong willedness of the OP's son because I would also have described my son in those terms. After we dug deeper and got his diagnosis and then got some help he started to accept that his attitude was not helping him any. He is doing much better now, is more pleasant and also seems happier.

He was also a very anxious and often depressed child, very anxious young teen, before we got help for him. I even took him to a center for anxiety for almost 2 years of therapy! This was at a major university where they specialized in this sort of thing. I asked repeatedly of the therapist at the anxiety center: Is there a chance he has ADD? She insisted repeatedly: No.

Well, she was wrong and when I think of the years wasted on an incorrect diagnosis I cringe. But anxiety IS part of ADD too. Lots of people, professionals included, associate ADD with destructive wild behavior and fail to realize it has other forms. So when I hear strong willed and anxious I can't help but wonder if there's more to this picture. ADD might be an issue.

flyleft, My son does have ADD. He was diagnosed at the children's hospital when he was 15 and yes, it is the inattentive type. He is a very different boy with treatment and the support of a therapist. His diagnosis was rather late and many years were wasted blaming his problems on other things.

I was thinking of this in context of the strong willedness of the OP's son because I would also have described my son in those terms. After we dug deeper and got his diagnosis and then got some help he started to accept that his attitude was not helping him any. He is doing much better now, is more pleasant and also seems happier.

He was also a very anxious and often depressed child, very anxious young teen, before we got help for him. I even took him to a center for anxiety for almost 2 years of therapy! This was at a major university where they specialized in this sort of thing. I asked repeatedly of the therapist at the anxiety center: Is there a chance he has ADD? She insisted repeatedly: No.

Well, she was wrong and when I think of the years wasted on an incorrect diagnosis I cringe. But anxiety IS part of ADD too. Lots of people, professionals included, associate ADD with destructive wild behavior and fail to realize it has other forms. So when I hear strong willed and anxious I can't help but wonder if there's more to this picture. ADD might be an issue.

I say it's worth the battle, although try not to make it a battle. I think it is a wonderful lesson in self discipline, a skill we need no matter what our life's path. The teacher assigned homework. It's due tomorrow. You are the student. Do the homework.

I have one son who was extremely strong willed and smart, but he hated schoolwork. I presumed he would go to college just because we all did in my family, but he didn't. Now he is a successful contractor, owns a company in CA and makes a very good living. He just was never meant to wear a tie and show up in an office each day. However, it took a very long time for him to settle down and realize that he had to work within the system if he was ever going to get ahead in life.

When I was in high school I had pretty good grades with little effort. The idea of sitting down and studying after school just didn't seem necessary to me. But I had a rude awakening when I started college. I discovered that the instructors weren't like high school teachers who tell you everything you need to know. I also discovered that I did not know how to study.

My freshman year was quite a struggle, but I passed all of my classes because I was too cheap to pay for the classes again! I paid my own tuition.

If college is the route he wants to take I'd emphasize that high school is the time to not only learn the subjects, but to perfect his study skills because there is little time to do that in college. This is what I'm trying to tell my nephew who is a senior this year...

This post was edited by amj0517 on Wed, Mar 20, 13 at 9:38

judith, thank you for sharing your son's story.

I am thankful for all the insight I've received. I've been looking into some things today. I reached out to his fishing buddy/mentor (a retired research scientist) who will use his contacts to try to get him an internship. I want to thank everyone for sharing their experiences. Parenting can be painful (as can being a teenager).

We have have tried to get him evaluated, treated, etc. but, at his age and mental state, nothing will happen unless HE decides to do something about it. I could write a book about him but will just share one, telling story: He has always been very articulate. When he about 4, out of the blue, he came up to me with a very puzzled look on his little face and said: "I don't understand why you and Dad are in charge. I think I know as much as you guys and should be in charge too."

Judith - good luck to you and your son! It sounds like he is on a good path. It is difficult to know what to do when a child is otherwise pleasant, intelligent and well-behaved.

maureeninmd - our DS2, the strong-willed one, when he was about 4 took exception to having to go to bed and he just turned to me and DH and with this serious look on his face said "You do know that you guys aren't the boss of me". and he also thought that it was appropriate for him to call us by our first names. Didn't happen.

If your son hasn't done this already, what about having him take a wilderness first aid course. It's more than just a standard first aid course, it will cater to his sense of outdoors but it will also have him reading and studying for something in which he is interested. It also looks great on a resume.

I have a whole passel of nieces and nephews and combined with my own two only 3 knew what they wanted to do when they were finished high school and they were they only ones who were actually prepared for after high school.

A number of them (including my DS1) wound up having to upgrade some high school course marks once they chose a direction. Those courses are available at the college level but there is a charge for them. Could that be a discussion for you? For my siblings and me paying for childrens college or whatever was still on the table however paying to upgrade a HS course mark was not. That they had to pay for.

Someone mentioned that high school is NOT difficult. Unfortunately for many of our children it is.

RE: befleton, "Someone mentioned that high school is NOT difficult. Unfortunately for many of our children it is."

I agree with you. And, I thought college was far easier than HS. If I was consistent with my efforts, an "A" was straightforward, but I did not think this true in HS.

In college, everything is laid out for you via syllabus. You have far more time to study and plan out your time. You are not saddled with busywork. You can more finely tune your classes to fit your learning style and interests. I found college professors to be respectful, whereas many of my HS teachers seemed bored and/or hostile (and I went to one of the top HS in my city).

Aside from this, I think the root issue is that you CANNOT force anyone to do anything they don't want to do. Nope. Not at any age. This is the root of many frustrations among humans. You can bribe, threaten, reason, etc., but these are methods to encourage someone to give in, but it cannot be forced. It will always be a choice. Ultimately, unless you accept that you have zero control over anyone but yourself, you will be disappointed. So, I think this acceptance combined with limits you set for YOURSELF is what helps.

maureeninmd - Your son sounds like he may be gifted. Have you had him assessed? Many gifted kids actually struggle with grades. ADD is common as is underachievement. Often a self directed study is helpful or even homeschooling. There are several college level courses online taught by brilliant profs. Learning study skills is important in which ever field. See if he can find a course in a topic he is interested in that will actually force him to study hard. Colleges in all honesty do not care about jack of all trades. Demonstrating extraordinary passion and persistance in a specific field is also something that colleges look for.