That was one of the better jokes that I've heard!!

Good one! ;D

In case you missed it:

* posted by rjinga (My Page) on
Thu, Feb 18, 10 at 12:48

Sleeping, reading...but speaking of the unspeakable, I just had to share this very funny email I got today...hope you dont mind.

Your laugh for the day.

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip -
shopping, casinos, massages, facials. Two days before the group is to leave Mary's husband puts his foot down and tells her she isn't going.
Mary's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in the bar drinking a glass of wine. "Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night............ Yesterday evening I was sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands over my eyes and said 'Guess who'?" I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday suit. He took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room was scented with perfume, had two dozen candles and rose petals all over.......On the bed, he had handcuffs and ropes! He told me to
tie and cuff him to the bed, so I did. And then he said, "Now, you can do whatever you want." So here I am.

MISSING MAINE WIFE

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident off the coast of Maine, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced State Troopers. "We know its late sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Troopers.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

The Troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."

The second Trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband.

Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The Trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 6 twenty-five pound snow crabs and 12 good-size lobsters clinging to her."

Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news???"

The Trooper answered, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow ."

LOL that's so rude! (I had to laugh outloud it was so bad heh heh). Mine are boring...

Where do bad lawyers go when they fold up their practice?

Thr senate...

The Tea Party
When I was a toddler, someone gave me a little Tea Set as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. My father was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of tea, which was just water, of course.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!"

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy.

She watches him drink it up and then says, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that a toddler can reach to get water is the toilet?"

THE BAGPIPER

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.

Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was
already in place.

I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

What do you call a turtle having sex?

A slow poke.

What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

I told DH the toilet/toothbrush joke and he cracked up. I told him he was sure lucky that I yell when we argue, the alternative could be a lot worse !

I have two, both from my 75 y.o. dad:

LITTLE SUSIE

Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mom that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at doing them. Mom says "You should say NO -- they only want to look at your undies." Susie says, " I know they do...that's why I hide them in my backpack."

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

A friend just sent me this one yesterday......

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern
Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk
with the Navajo woman.

The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown
bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman .

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking
with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

'Good trade'.

here's one from my 82 year old Dad, king of forwards and jokes: I'm sending him the jokes above one at a time, I usually don't have anything for him,
thanks .

Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and as k you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that about the last five years I've been a hooker."
"I see," Ed replied thoughtfully. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

An old man is at home, sitting in his favorite chair, watching TV. It's his 90th birthday. The doorbell rings. He shuffles slowly to the door and opens it.

It's a beautiful young woman in a long coat. She says, "Happy Birthday. All your friends left here on earth wanted to give you a special present." She opens her coat and she is naked. She says, "I'm here to give you Super Sex."

The old man stares at her and says nothing. Finally, he says, "Well, I guess I'll take the soup."

A rope slithers into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink. The bartender says, I'm sorry we don't serve ropes here. The rope slinks off to the next bar, crawls up on the the stool, same story, we don't serve ropes here. So, the rope goes to the next bar, but first he ties a knot in the end of himself and fluffs up the stray ends. He slithers in and crawls up to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "Hey, are you a rope?" the rope replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot".

I don't think this is quite clean, but I'm posting it anyway. ;-)

Superman has always had the hots for Wonder Woman. One day as he's flying over the city, he happens to look down and sees her on the rooftop below, lying naked and working on her tan. He seizes the opportunity, swoops down and makes wild love to her, then quickly flies off. Wonder Woman sits up, blinks her eyes and asks, "What was that"!? The Invisible Man rolls off her and exclaims, "I don't know - but it hurt like hell!"

I think the rope one was the only "clean" one - toilets and septics???

I have to think of one that qualifies - all I'm coming up with are "kiddie" ones.

Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud, and then walk back to the other side again?

He was a dirty double-crosser.

Was that a "kiddie" one?

A woman went to the emergency room,
where she was seen by a young new doctor.

After about 3 minutes in the examination room
the doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out of the room and ran
down the corridor screaming.

An older doctor stopped her and asked
what the problem was; after
listening to her story, he calmed her down and
sat her in another room.

Then, the doctor marched down the
hallway to the first doctor's room.

"What the heck's wrong with you?" he
demanded. "This woman is 68 years old,
she has two grown children and several grandchildren
and you told her she was pregnant???!!!"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard
and without looking up said,
"Does she still have the hiccups?"

"I think the rope one was the only "clean" one - toilets and septics???"

"Clean" as in not sexually oriented.

I was joking. Hence the "clean" instead of *clean* (I use capitals or * for emphasis).

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $65 million." Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.