Yep! If they are talking about someone else, they are talking about you.
I usually tell my husband most things, though. I trust him more than anybody, though. What is it about juicy gossip that gets us so interested? But that is why the rag mags sell so much, and the papparazzi have no morals in getting the photo or story.

On a personal level, though, I am pretty closed mouth about your secrets.

I'm one of those people who will absolutely not divulge something when it is passed on to me that way. Not even to DH. But I often feel like I am in the minority in feeling this way. And I can't help but note the irony when someone tells me something and says, "Don't tell anyone, but...." -when often the "Don't tell anyone..." request was made of them when they got the information originally.

I always feel a little ashamed when I participate in idle gossip, but my mouth seems to win over the little voice in my head. When someone has specifically requested that I don't share something though, I'm very strict about that, and I never do. Here's a dilemma I sometimes find myself in though: Someone says to me, "I'm not supposed to tell anyone, but listen to this......" I know I should stick both thumbs in my ears and run screaming to the hills, but I never do.....

I guess it depends. My mom recently told me something about friend of hers and said don't tell! I ended up repeating the story to my good friend without any identifying details. My mom's friend and my friend don't know each other at all. I'm sure my friend forgot about it as soon as we said goodbye.

On the other hand, my best friend confided something about her daughter to me. She really needed to talk about it. I never repeated that at all.

I wish people wouldn't tell me secrets, because it is hard to keep them.

I do not tell secrets even to my DH. My MIL is the biggest gossip that there is and most of it she editorializes so that it becomes very hurtful. I know that if she is gossiping about others then she is also gossiping and me and my sons. My DH is under strict instructions to tell her nothing about me, our sons or my family. I have told her that I am not interested in her gossip.

I know that for most people it is not a way of being malicious but is just a small part of their everyday conversation, as with me. We all have more interesting things to talk about.

Gossip has been defined as a "poor man's form of conversation" and that is what it is with my MIL. She has nothing else to talk about - she is uninterested in world events - but needs to be the center of the conversation and so this is what she does. It's quite sad.

No I never tell my husband. I learned early on that he forgets it was a secret and then mentions it to the person. So my lips are sealed on all secrets. What I find strange is when, in the course of conversations, a person tells the secret that was told to me. I never acknowledge I know anything and still stay mum. I don't like gossiping.

i will almost always tell my husb because i really trust him--- but, i will tell noone else...
it really bothers me the way some people freely talk about others-- and you can bet they're talking about you too!! but, on the other hand, certain 'issues' and relationships need to be talked about and discussed among friends...
i probably would not share a piece of personal info to anyone if it was info that i absolutely, positively would not want repeated unless i knew without a doubt it wouldn't be.
you have to understand your motivation (and other's)for sharing 'a secret' because then it is no longer really secret!!

I agree with busybee3.

Pillow Talk is private. Both DH and I would never repeat something that was told to the other in that confidence.

I tell them not to tell me anything I can't tell DH. There are no secrets kept away from each other. Other than him, I tell no one.

I tell them that telling me is the same as telling DH so if it's something you don't want him to know then don't tell me. I can also 100% depend on DH to not tell anyone else.

I don't think that has ever deterred someone from telling me something. I don't know why, but people (close to me and total strangers) feel completely comfortable, almost compelled, to tell me their secrets. I've been privy to some major doozies!

I would not tell my husband. We don't have many secrets, and I don't have many people tell me things in secret, but I would not tell him because he can't keep secrets and he would conveniently forget that I told him it was private.

"Please don't tell anyone, and then confided in you (nothing illegal or dangerous just something personal) , would you still tell your DH or another close friend or relative? "

A secret is a secret. If you are not good at keeping them or share everything with someone else, you should not take on the responsibility of maintaining someone's personal privacy. Let the other person know beforehand, so it is their decision whether to share or not.

"Also if someone shares personal info about their friend or relative, do you assume they are probably sharing information about you too, so this might be someone you would not want to share personal info with? "

It's a prudent and safe assumption to not tell secrets to someone who speaks freely about other people's business. It's probably a good rule of thumb that if you don't want the world to know, don't tell anyone (or however that saying goes).

I'm always amazed at how little respect people give and get regarding what's personal and no one else's business. Secrets and personal privacy are no small matter and should not be taken lightly by others. Just because one person is an open book and doesn't think something is personal or a big deal doesn't mean it's acceptable for them to be free with someone else's business.

No, I don't pass on secrets. I figure the person is telling me the secret because he/she absolutely trusts that I won't spread the information. I don't want to betray the trust. I assume they're just using me as a reliable sounding board for a difficult situation, anyway, not really informing me of anything.

I don't share secrets with my husband if I've been asked to keep something in confidence. In regards to the others repeating something, I learned the hard way to assume they will so I never tell anyone (but my husband) something I want to keep private.

What took me by surprise last year was that my daughter had a surgery that was female related in June. When I told my husband (her step dad) about it, rather than go into detail, I just said it was female related to protect her privacy. Well a few days later when my daughter found out, she got perturbed with me for keeping it from him. Go figure....

Hmmm, my take on this is when someone says " don't tell...." usually THEY have already told others, who have told others, well, you know the drift.
No, I don't tell, especially dh who is NOT sacrosanct, but often I wonder why and who the "big secret" is effecting.

Pretty much, I don't tell, as much as I might want to.

I was thinking about this thread and realized that I don't tell secrets - my own that is. I don't think I have ever said the words, "please don't tell anyone."

It's not that I don't share anything personal, it's just the opposite, I'm an open book. I just say whatever I feel about myself and if someone wants to share it, well I don't really care. Of course, I do have some secrets but those are things that I wouldn't tell anyone.

Maybe it's because when I was a kid, we had huge family secrets and I was constantly told "don't tell anyone." It always made me feel that we (my family) were different and we had something to be ashamed of. I never want to feel like that again.

So I'm wondering why keep secrets that you are willing to tell some people but not others? Wow, this feels like a really dumb question but I sincerely don't know.

I get told lots of secrets. Maybe it's partly due to my profession which is advisory in nature. I try to keep what I know to myself most of the time when it is something personal or sensitive. OTOH secrets like 'X is retiring/leaving the firm/transferring' don't really feel so confidential that I won't say something to the couple of people at the office in my personal zone of trust--and there are literally 2 people in that category. One is retiring (oops, blabbed :) so that will drop to my one trusted confidant in about a month.

However, the husband rule is one area where I stand pretty firm. I DO tell my husband things if I am upset, need his advice or perspective or feel he can either be of help or needs to be aware. I trust him completely and he is definitely not a blabbermouth.

I work for someone who talks about people constantly, including sharing his criticism of their performance, their issues that he knows in confidence and shouldn't be discussing, and generally anything and everything he feels like venting. I hate listening to him trash colleagues, and have actually gone to our HR director about this. Of course I am 100% confident that he talks about me to others just as he talks about others to me!

And lastly, living in a family dynamic that includes alcoholism and addiction, keeping secrets is a fraught area...often in this kind of situation people 'triangulate', and secrets become ways to maintain very damaging behavior or patterns. We've gone through counseling about the difference between healthy confidentiality and unhealthy enabling. It's not always an easy difference to identify.

This is sort of timely, for me. If things things are a secret, no, I do not tell anyone, not even DH.

But, I guess I am guillty of talking about others, good and bad, to only my family members and have two very close friends, who I confide in and I know, wouldn't go off and tell anyone. I have quite a few friends, so there are plenty I wouldn't talk about others to. I know who I can trust.

Whenever my family use to get together for instance, at Christmas, or Easter, it would only be DH and myself, my brother and SIL, and my sister and BIL (kids were off doing other things around the house), so at the most, six grown adults who were family, we would talk about what other people might be going on with other people, like who's sick, who's getting married, divorced, etc. Not things that were really called secrets.

For example, my SIL comes from a family of a preacher who was very well known in Oklahoma, his son (SIL's cousin) had an affair after being married a very long time. This was big new around town, but, the rest of my family never knew about it, as we don't really run in those circles anymore, Anyway, one day my parents ran into the man and his"mistress" showing major public display of affection. Since my parents knew nothing about it, my mom asked my brother and SIL about it, and they said "Yes, they have been separated quite some time now, because he is seeing this other woman." My brother and SIL had been around us to tell us, but SIL never told us, because she thinks that is gossip. I really don't think it is really gossip to "talk" about things like that within your close family, who you trust it will go no farther. My SIL thinks anything your talk about other people is gossip. She is the most boring person to be around. I have to say, our feelings were a little hurt that we weren't told because SIL considered this gossip. She is very religious, takes everything literal, and is very self-righteous and never does ANYTHING wrong! She has never really fit in with our family because she doesn't share anything, so, still after they've been married almost 30 years, we don't feel close to her. We do not go off and tell anyone what we share within our family, and she knows that, so she can't say that.

So, if it's considered "gossip" that I would have told my family about him and his wife being separated, then I guess I'm guilty. I just feel that family should be able to talk about things, and know it won't go anywhere. I know some families cannot say that, but our family things are kept in the family.

So, maybe I am not sure of what is considered "gossip". But, I have never been accused of being someone who couldn't keep a "secret".

{{!gwi}}

This post was edited by olliesmom on Sat, Mar 30, 13 at 11:08

I hate gossip. My MIL is also one is is awful with this. Not about family members, but if she knows something about someone, she has to tell it. Whether she knows if it's true or not. She's also bad about questioning you about people. Many times I just tell her it's something she needs to ask that person, not me. LOL

As for secrets, yes I can keep them. Most times when people say "don't tell anyone", it's not really secret and who knows how many people know.

I'll ditto what Kelly said - don't tell me anything you don't want my husband to know. He would go to his grave with a secret. LOL

tina

No, I wouldn't. I remember a fellow parent blabbing to me once that she had seen our daughters' volleyball coach at an AA meeting. I was appalled by her gossip, and realized she didn't get one of the most important premises of the program.

I participate in a different 12-step program, and there have been occasions when someone DH and I both know has shown up at a meeting. I have never and would not divulge that information. Maybe that's different from someone who is just gossiping, but I still wouldn't tell DH something that someone asked me no to. I don't like gossip, and if someone engages in it I usually try to extricate myself from the situation, or at least not participate.

Depends, if it is a secret that requires giving advice, I might tell DH and get his take on it, otherwise no I wouldn't tell anyone.

So many secrets are going to the grave with me! I never divulge anyone's secret to others, including to my totally trustworthy DH even though I never keep information of my own from him, good or bad! People who know me know that I have no interest in gossip and will stop them in their tracks if they try to dish about others. However if they want to share something about themselves because they trust me not to spread it, then they can, and do, do that in complete confidence.

It depends. It's a function of how serious the secret is or how long lived the secret is. For example, a neighbor I only see occasionally told me not to say anything because it was a surprise, but he was taking the family on a cruise. I said I wouldn't tell them. That I told my DH, as the risk was extremely low that he'd run into them and the secret was short lived...like 10 days. So very low risk that someone would be hurt by the reveal.

If however the reveal was personal, or would cause hurt if it got out or even if it didn't it was a serious confidence, I wouldn't say anything, even to DH, as trustworthy as he is. You have to use your judgment, but largely, if it's personal and important, it's not yours to share. And if you share it, it says more about you than it does about the person whose secret it is.

It is curious though, about human nature, that drives us to be the first to tell someone something....

"It is curious though, about human nature, that drives us to be the first to tell someone something...."

I think it has to do with needing to talk about a secret someone told us. If I do tell a secret it will be to DH only, and never anyone else. He does the same. Mostly because we both know the party who has the secret and we need to mull it around.

He told me a BIG secret last week. I'm thinking about doing a "WWYD" topic because it effects a good friend of mine. But he needed to get it off his chest and talk to someone he can trust and depend on.

Now if I have a secret which isn't very often, I tell my best friend, and I always say, "You can tell your DH." Because I know most spouses usually do and it doesn't bother me in the least. Only because I know both people well, and know they won't go running to Betty Lou with my secret. lol

"He told me a BIG secret last week. I'm thinking about doing a "WWYD" topic because it effects a good friend of mine."

I would be livid if anyone posted my confidences on the internet!!!

The other thing is, when people discuss their private matters with you, they shouldn't have to say "this is a secret". I think that's a given.

Snookums, DH didn't come out and say it's a secret, but it was pretty major. He knew I wasn't going to say anything in our circle of friends, but the reason I was going to post it here is because she needs help, STAT.

She doesn't do the internet anyway, she'd never find it here. But I can't let her go on like this and OTOH, I have no idea what to do.

DH stumbled upon the problem when he went to their house the other day with her DH. Her DH didn't say "don't tell anyone." But it's obvious no one really knows about it.

I honstly don't know what to do. Her DH apparently isn't helping much, but that's just me guessing.

Oh, and Snookums, go reread what I wrote. Your angry reply kind of bothered me, but you are saying she confided to me, and she did not. My dh told me what he found and that needs to be dealt with for HER health and wellbeing.

This is an extremely unique and sad situation and I don't know if I should do something to help, and if I should....how do I go about it?

I guess I shouldn't have used the word "secret." But in reality it is a secret from everyone except her close family.

"Your angry reply kind of bothered me"

That would be shocked, Oakley, not angry. I would be livid with the person who violated my confidence and/or privacy like that.

I also think people should respect other's privacy without an explicit "secret" attached. I understand your husband was told or saw something and you are both concerned and want to help. That's being a good friend. But I don't think sharing what is her story and problems to tell, on the internet, is a good idea or your business to do. Publishing it for eternity. Even though you think she doesn't get online, you never know who else might see it or your other friends will figure out who you are referring to.

If she's got a health problem, why not talk to a health professional about how you can help or do some other research? There are probably many professional resource sites and discussions already available online. It sounds like you need to broach the subject with her and/or one of her family members if there's a dire health situation going on.

Or maybe even a health professional here will hash things out with you in a private email.

Maybe you're just going to post something simple like "a friend drinks too much what should I do" and there isn't much else you have to say. I don't know. It sounded more complicated than that. I see you've described it as extremely unique in your second post, too, so that could be identifiable information if you have to explain things (which usually happens).

We were talking about keeping secrets, so that was my reaction to posting them online! lol

{{!gwi}}

This post was edited by snookums2 on Sun, Mar 31, 13 at 15:52

I understand what you're saying. You're pretty new here, and there have been many many topics on WWYD when one of us is in a situation with a friend or something and we reach out for advice. You're looking at it like I would spill a secret, but I wouldn't be.

To my friend, heck, it's no secret to her. It's nothing that she'd tell anyone and say "don't tell." It's really not a secret, it's a huge problem. When dh told me, he was speaking very quietly, like it was a secret. I guess you'd have to be there. lol.

I would never tell a secret online. I'm not stupid. :) I'm actually the "secret keeper" of all my friends because they know they can trust me. I never divulge private info to anyone. Except to my dh at times, simply so I have sounding board, and vice versa.

I'm not going to a health professional and ask for advice. Easier said than done.

Again, many of these topics are asking for advice with a personal situation. So I wouldn't be the only one who is/has talked about things like this.

i agree that this can be a good sounding board. However, in the past some have pointed out that they realized who the poster was when reading about the situation!
It can be a small world.
Again, I do understand using this forum as a sounding board. You can bet your bottom dollar that if the majority agrees, then it should be taken under serious consideration.

Well, I guess you worded things wrong then. Since we're talking about how well people keep secrets and you post that your husband ""told me a BIG secret last week. I'm thinking about doing a "WWYD" topic ", I'm not sure why you'd think people would interpret that as not being a real secret or not spilling one. (But I hear you clarify in the next posts that it is a private matter not a secret that was told).

Honestly, I don't think it's anyone else's "right" so to speak, or place, to decide what is or is not private or a "secret" for another person. That line is crossed at different places for each individual. If they want their friends or the world to know, they will do it in their own time and in their own way.

I understand what you're saying, that people do this on the internet. I'm surprised at some of the things I read, no doubt.

This post was edited by snookums2 on Sun, Mar 31, 13 at 20:39

I have a mantra that I use: 'it's not my news to tell'.

I think that is really what spilling secrets is about. It's human nature to feel important if we know something that generally or universally isn't known about an acquaintance, a celebrity, a family member or friend. Knowing something that others don't gives us a feeling of power, I think, in that we can provide that moment of surprise, shock or titillation by telling what we know...or not.

Ann

Yes, I shouldn't have said secret, but you read it as my friend telling me and I was going to betray her confidence which wasn't the case at all.

It's not a drug or alcohol problem, I'd call it PTSS, and depression from something horrid that happened to her 5 years ago. I see her every couple of months (not at her house, usually at mine or at dinner) and I had no clue what was happening. Now I do and I'm shocked and I don't know what to do.

"but you read it as my friend telling me and I was going to betray her confidence which wasn't the case at all."

No I didn't read it that way, lol.

Read your first two replies to me, you did come across as if she told me something in private and I was going to blab it on the internet. That's why I'm so defensive because you have it all wrong & you're trying to make me feel guilty for something I haven't even done! lol

A WWYD topic hasn't been done in a few months, but we've done a ton of them asking for advice i/r/t our friends or families. They certainly weren't lectured about posting their information.

So...I'll keep it to myself.

oakley, given the few times you get together, she may not feel that close to you...not close enough to want to share a traumatic event. You must be very careful as she may not want anyone to know and you could hurt, embarrass her, or worse if she caught on that you knew. She may still be too wounded to discuss it. Or she may be trying to get beyond it. You just don't know and you certainly don't want to cause her more pain.

Remember too that you are in the "shock" stage of the news as you just heard it...this is old news to her as she's been dealing with it 5 years already...it is not fresh for her at all and she may not want someone fresh to it picking at her scabs.

About the only thing you can do is let her know that you are her friend, that you care for her, and are willing to lend a strong shoulder and a tender heart should she ever need or want that. Beyond that, it is really up to her to choose what to do and to set the pace.

My gf had completed her chemo treatments but was still wearing a kerchief due to hair loss. She complained to me that this stranger on a plane noticed, asked her about her cancer, and shared his own cancer story. I'm sure he meant well...often strangers tell more than they would otherwise as they think it's a safe place to reveal their story...to someone they will never see again...but she felt violated. She was at the stage where she had kissed her cancer good riddance and was trying to move beyond it and really didn't need a reminder or want or need his tale.

So you just don't know and it's best to let the other person set the pace and tell the tale how much or if at all. Be a friend to her and just forget that you even heard about it.

I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, Oakley. I've been trying to describe (or explain, in this case, because you don't seem to understand and keep saying I need to re-read what you said) my feelings about "secrets" and other people's involvement with them. That's what this thread is about. Yeah, I was shocked to read someone was going to post a BIG secret online! That's what you clearly said, lol.

I have re-read the posts. I see I used the word "confidence" (only) in my reaction to your statement. It was clear though that your DH told you, not her. I don't see that makes a difference. I assume I did read it as being that he was told something rather than an observation while he was there.

I keep saying but you don't seem to hear it. I have tried to include "private matters" in my posts (responded before this too) because, as I've tried to explain several times, I don't think it matters who originally acquired the information or that it has to be explicitly labeled a "secret" by the person it involves.

I think you'll find I went on about this before your post. But I'd have to go back to look again, lol. Maybe with a Japanese translator.

"we've done a ton of them asking for advice i/r/t our friends or families. They certainly weren't lectured about posting their information."

Oakley, you seem to keep forgetting that this is the very topic of this thread.

If it were my friend, I would probably tell her dh noticed something, say I'm worried and ask how I could help.

This post was edited by snookums2 on Mon, Apr 1, 13 at 12:30

if i was REALLY worried about a friend---esp if i was worried about her health/wellbeing or if i was concerned that she was a threat to herself or others, i would talk with her or if i couldn't do that because i didn't have a close enough relationship with her or she was not interested in talking, i would talk to (or have your dh talk to) her husband! and then go from there!

of course, before you do that you probably should confirm with your husband to make sure you understood him correctly about whatever has you so concerned. if it's really not a very serious issue, then it's noyb.