How does your son feel? Would he like to try and save the marriage? Has counseling been suggested?

It sounds like the DIL is looking for something outside of herself that she can only really find inside. It's too bad that the children will suffer because of it.

Sorry to hear you, your son and your grandchildren have to go through this. She is clearly very immature.

Please, please, get a lawyer as soon as possible. In my state, one parent cannot move a child out of state without the other parent's or court's permission. Your son needs to find out the laws in his state.

The fact that she is willing to leave her kids for drunken trips and meetings with another man can be used against her in a custody battle if it gets to that. Make sure the lawyer knows all this.

I hope everything works out for your son and grandchildren. If your DIL is willing to get counseling and work on herself and her marriage, it can work out. But, the most important thing is a stable environmnet for those children. Good luck to you.

Natal, he's gone for counseling with the pastor that married them. She has found a million reasons why she hasn't gone....no time, headache, feels uncomfortable talking about personal problems.

The pastor sees through the excuses and says she just doesn't want to hear that she's wrong.

I can't say too much about what steps he's taken just in case she or someone in her family happens to see this thread. Not likely, but you never know.

Why would you watch the kids so she can go see her boyfriend? I would not do it. She can take them with her and explain to them why she is meeting him- hell if I would enable or be a part of this.

mona, I posted a couple of years ago about this happening with my sister and BIL through Facebook. It was/is very sad still. My sister admits now she was pretty happy in her marriage-just had a weak moment. They had the normal ups and downs in marriage and "he" caught her in one of the "downs", I suppose. But, ex-BIL wasn't so easy to forgive and they are still divorced and have moved on. Kids are still suffering though, going back and forth and parents aren't good at communicating, and the kids get in the middle of things. It's just awful, so I feel your pain.

I know of someone else, a guy this time, that he reconnected with his HS sweetheart on Facebook, and their affair didn't last long, and hubby and wife are back together now. So, maybe there is hope.

Facebook makes it VERY EASY for these type of things to happen, for those not so strong people in long relationships where things have gotten "hum drum", as things do get at times in most marriages.

You will notice now, a lot of marriages are breaking up, due to reconnecting with old friends on Facebook.

Peyton, My son has to work on Saturdays and Sundays. He has no choice. If I don't watch them she will leave them with her parents. My 13 yr GD would be fine there; she's used to the routines there and just may stay with them for both trips her mother is taking. It's my 5 yr GS that I'm concerned about. The other Grandparents are already raising a 9 yr old and a 16...the other daughter just dumped them there and has very little to do with them.

The grandfather suffers from dementia and narcolepsy and has major heart problems. He's home alone during the day while the grandmother is at work.

They have an in-ground pool and the sliding doors to the lanai are usually left ajar because the doors stick and it's easier to go in and out if the doors are open.

When GS has spent the night there, it's not unusual for the Grandparents to fall asleep watching TV, leaving all 4 of the grandkids up to do whatever and go to bed whenever.
There is very little supervision in that home. The adults are overwhelmed with their situation, but will support this daughter and her children by allowing them to move in.

How can I not insist he stay with me? And this is the house she's going to go to when she moves out of her home.

I'm not sleeping much these days.

Mona, I would do like you are doing, for the sake of your GS and your son.
Babysit your GS as much as you can so he doesn't have to go to the other GP's
home, it seems like a disaster waiting to happen.

Peyton, the DIL is going to go by herself no matter what, she'll leave the kids with whoever will take them so I think Mona is doing the right thing as far as keeping her GS safe . Yes, it enables DIL to party, it seems like she's determined to do that anyways, Mona might as well feel better that her GS is with her, as opposed to having him be a part of whatever's going to unfold when DIL goes to meet her "friend"......

Peyton, I'm shocked at your comment. No grandparent in Mona's situation is going to let a small child follow their mother on a drunken binge. Mona is NOT enabling. What she's doing is making sure her son and GS have a safe haven.

Mona, try to relax, I'm sure your DS is as intelligent as you so I think all will be okay. :)

Mona, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It's increasingly the concern of every parent/grandparent in America. I agree with graywings to take screen shots of DIL's facebook page and keep a file copy. Also document any incidents that indicate poor parenting skills in the event it comes down to a custody battle. And then continue to do everything you and your son can do to exhibit good parenting and judgement skills.

peyton - so you would sacrifice your grandchild's well being to make a statement with your DIL? Ridiculous.

I am so sorry for you; this type of situation is my worst nightmare and pray every day my beloved granddaughter and grandson never have this experience; luckily, DS and DIL's marriage seems very stable.

It's good for you to keep your relationship with your DIL to secure your future influence in your grandson's life, and to provide a stabilizing base. Who knows how many facebook friends are in his mother's future?

Often, the maturity level of an individual is frozen at the age they are forced into adulthood - either an early marriage or parenthood. In this case, your DIL was 18 at the birth of her first child and she is, in fact, acting that age.

The bottom line is: you can't build happiness on others' misery. It usually takes maturity to realize that fact and many never do.

I wish you peace and sleep.
Dee

Mona~
The uphill battle that your son will face regarding custody is tragic.
However, there are father rights organizations that can assist him.
The courts look at the best interest of the child.
It seems that prior to recent work hour change that your son has been the primary caregiver for his son.
You will not be able to stop the mother from taking her son to her parents when she is there..
Yet, you will be able to show cause that the household is not a safe environment . Demand that a locked gate be put around the pool.Report that the grandfather is unable to supply adequate care at this time.
But that's not where we are at now.
It seems that your DIL has a history of leaving her kids to chase men.Some women are just built that way.
Make a list of all the unrelated men that have been in and out of the life of her 13 year old daughter.Scary.
You have great points that the judge WILL want to hear.
Why doesn't the new toy move to her state ? Oh,wait a minute ...aaaa His wife won't let him take the kids?
Right now your son has got to be a saint .
Don't yell at her in front of the children.
Don't throw things.
Whatever he does, DON'T bring another women into the mix.

I truly am so sorry for what you are going through..

I'm so sorry for what you and your family are going through. Hopefully your DIL will grow up and straighten up before she does too much damage...

But the advice for your son to get himself a really good lawyer and prepare for the worst case is sound.

In defense of Peyton,I don't think she realized that my DIL would dump her children anywhere in order to go on her trips. Really, most mothers wouldn't do that.

However, it's been obvious to me and DS that she's been doing this recently with the 13 yr old and I see trouble brewing if this continues. I may be old fashioned, but before I'd let my daughter spend the night(s) at a "friend's" house, I'd need to meet the parents and ask questions about rules and regulations and who would be home with the kids.

My poor GD thinks her mom is cool because she gives her so much freedom; she doesn't realize that her mother doesn't want to bother with her. Since my son isn't the biological father and he gets home at 6:30 (after GD has already left for the weekend) he's been told he has no voice in the matter. On Friday evenings/nights my GD is allowed to go to the mall unchaperoned with her 13 yr old friends. That is so dangerous in the society we're living in, especially since my GD looks like she's 18.

What is my DIL thinking?

He'll never get custody of her, because he's not even her adoptive dad. But he's sure going to fight for his son.

I've been back and forth on responding to this about 10 times now and although I may regret it, I will wade in. I am not really into spreading my personal life all over the internet but I was in your DIL's shoes 2 years ago and I have been through the entire process of dealing with my feelings and deciding what to do about my marriage and I feel like I can provide insight that may end up ultimately being helpful... and for that it is worth exposing myself to criticism and judgment.

To make a long story short I was in a similar situation as your DIL 2 years ago. I won't really go into details, but here are some of the things I learned.

One of the smartest things I ever did in my life was getting into therapy. Not a pastor. Not someone who would tell me that I was wrong... I wasn't "wrong", my feelings were what they were and my impressions were what they were and I needed to process them and work through them and deal with them and luckily for me a good friend recommended an amazingly brilliant therapist who was my lifeline. She was an advocate for me - maybe for the first time in my life I had someone in that role... not to the extent of telling me what I wanted to hear but also not to the extent of telling me what I should do or what was right or what was wrong. She helped me work through what my feelings were, where they were coming from, what it all really meant and she did it all without judging me, without making me feel like I was the only person on the planet feeling this way and without making me feel like something was wrong with me.

I also entered couple therapy with my husband. We tried a couple of therapists and I will tell you that the "old school" way of thinking, which is save the marriage at any cost and cut out any and all distractions (ie the other guy) was not going to work for me. I felt attacked, I felt like I was being judged, I felt like I was being asked to give up the person who had become my best friend and my confidante in order to be reprogrammed into thinking a certain way, and there is no way it was going to be effective for me. My inlaws did suggest that we see a rabbi but there is no way I would have done that and I can't really blame her or judge her for not wanting to confide in someone as emotionally loaded as the pastor who married them. We tried a couple more therapists and eventually settled on the individual therapist my husband was seeing - she was still not completely neutral but it was at least a relatively safe place to talk about everything we needed to, and by then I had a little individual therapy under my belt and felt strong enough to withstand the criticism I knew would be forthcoming, especially from someone who knew my husband's side much better than mine. It was never a foregone conclusion what would happen until the end of the process btw, and if things had been different between my husband and myself the outcome could very well have been different... but I do feel like we had the difficult conversations and I put in "the work" even though we did not ultimately end up staying together.

No decent therapist in the world will encourage her to do what she is doing. The mantra is that you need to end your marriage independent of anyone else and finish old business before starting new business. We broke those rules a little bit by remaining emotionally involved with each other throughout the whole process, but we did not even set foot in the same room until after we had both worked through our individual issues in therapy (and couple therapy) and were living apart from our spouses for a few months and had worked out separation agreements in mediation.

My therapist has done a lot of family therapy as well and she basically said that when there is a good core there between two people, no matter how difficult, any "superstructure" issues (including infidelity) can be worked through. If the core is no good then it's very hard to build the rest and have it stay stable for the long term, although there are some core issues that can also be worked through in therapy. Another way she puts it is that you have to be "all in" or in 100% in good times in order to have the reserves to deal with crises. If you are only in halfway and that gets depleted in time of a crisis, you have nothing left to give to the relationship. I found both of these ways of looking at it to be very helpful in my own soul searching process and examining where the feelings I was having came from, and maybe your DIL would too.

And honestly, mona, I think the fact that you are not angry and flying off the handle but are rather sad and concerned for your son and grandkids is a pretty healthy attitude. My inlaws remained respectful to me and even warm toward me throughout the entire process...and while regardless of how they treated me I would never deny them or my son a relationship with each other, I am far more inclined to go out of my way for them because of the way they treated me.

It was the worst time of my life though, and if it is even 1/10 as bad for your DIL as it was for me, my heart breaks for her. There were many times where I stayed up all night thinking of ways to kill myself and to be honest, if I didn't have my son who was so strongly bonded to me I might have done it just to make the pain stop. You cannot possibly understand the cruelty of running into someone who seems to have been tailor made for you in every possible way and knowing that you can't possibly have them... and then learning they feel the same way about you and you actually DO have a choice - between hurting everyone you love or hurting yourself. And yes, I did make the selfish decision and I know that anyone who is wagging their finger at me from behind their screen is thinking that it could not possibly have worked out with the other guy... but to be honest, it is even BETTER than I imagined... and I have a pretty good imagination. He is my soulmate and he is the love of my life and I really am a better mother to my son for having that joy and that balance in my life when it was missing before. Certain things are difficult, but we are managing.

Whatever decision she makes, though, she should make it with her eyes wide open. She should not be making decisions impulsively or in some hormonal haze, but just as bad is to make a decision from a place of guilt or fear or feeling trapped and like there is no choice, or because of browbeating by people who think she is doing the wrong thing. The only way to have peace about your decision EITHER way you go is to make it from a position of strength and health and introspection and I think most people can use the help of a therapist to get to that point. If she DOES decide to stay with your son, the only way to make it "stick" and is to make that decision out of free will, and because she has searched her soul and feels it is the right decision to make. I also talked a lot to my therapist about commitment and promises and loyalty and her take on it is that loyalty is something that must be earned and never taken for granted. No one but the two people in the marriage know what needs are being met or what is being withheld, and until this happened to me I would have been rather inclined to pass judgment... but I am not any longer.

kgwlisa - I've missed seeing you here!

Mona - I'm sorry for what your family is going through and hope it works out in the best possible way.

tina

Thank you Kswlisa for sharing that part of your life with us. But unfortunately, Mona DIL's situation is different than yours. She has walked away from a previous relationship, had a difficult upbringing herself and probably was not ready to have children or to be in a marriage. She is unstable and needs therapy and possiblity psychiatric care.
Here's hoping for the children's sake that she gets the help she needs.

kgwlisa, thank you for opening up. I don't think anyone here would judge you. You say you remained emotionally involved with your soulmate, but never physically connected until you and your spouse had lived apart for a few months. I wish that were the case here, but it's not.

I truly believe if my DIL would slow down and think about her repeat pattern of dealing with stress, she might have a different mindset. And even if she went to therapy on her own and still decided to leave it would be done after thinking things through in a mature manner.

This guy is playing her and she doesn't realize that. And if she has low self-esteem issues now, they certainly won't be better after being used.

I also wish her parents would say something to her rather than just standing by and accepting this behavior as okay. That's their childrearing philosphy, though. Everyone of their daughters has behaved in an irresponsible manner when it comes to caring and raising their children. Folks who know them just are amazed at how they never set rules for their daughters, but are not surprised at how things have turned out for them. I just don't want my GD to end up the same way.

Lisa, thank you again. I know this must have been difficult for you. It certainly was helpful to see this from another point of view.

"Thank you Kswlisa for sharing that part of your life with us. But unfortunately, Mona DIL's situation is different than yours. She has walked away from a previous relationship, had a difficult upbringing herself and probably was not ready to have children or to be in a marriage. She is unstable and needs therapy and possiblity psychiatric care."

Well, I also think Lisa shared an extremely valuable set of experiences. But ellendi, I'm puzzled as to why or how you can decide based on reading something that one person posts in an online forum, that a situation is different/worse?

IMO the only people who really and truly know what is happening in that marriage are the people in it. Not MIL, not mom, not friends...the couple themselves are the ones who know the truth and they are the ones who make their decisions and live their lives.

Lisa gave us a very raw and honest glimpse of what happens in a disintegrating marriage. I salute her for that. It takes great courage to share thoughts you know may be anathema to many people.

Ann

kgwlisa - it was incredibly brave of you to post here. I just wanted to say that you have really touched my heart with your story, and the next time I hear about something like this, I will think of you and what you have shared....

kgwlisa - Thank you so much for sharing your story. You showed so much courage and truly gave me a new way to look at these types of decisions couples make regarding their marriage. By you being so open, I think I am less judgemental of others, and I KNOW that's a good thing.

Kglisa,

Standing beside the rest of my friends who said how brave you are to speak so openly about your situation. I'm always sad for the kids but I left my first DH when my DD was 5 years old and have never regretted my decision. People had no idea what was happening inside our marriage and many encouraged me to stay. Thank goodness I listened to myself.

Mona, your DIL sounds so confused. I hope she does the hard work to figure out her life like Lisa did. It sounds like you are behaving much like Lisa's in-laws did.

Lisa and Mona: ((((Hugs to you both.))))

Kgw, I also admire you for sharing your experience, and offering another view in this situation.

especially this part:

"we did not even set foot in the same room until after we had both worked through our individual issues in therapy (and couple therapy) and were living apart from our spouses for a few months and had worked out separation agreements in mediation."

this is a rare thing and is a great sign of maturity and respect for others.

Ks, what an incredible story. You have a good head on your shoulders and thought things through every step of the way.

Unfortunately, I don't think Mona's DIL is doing the same. Sounds like the DIL finds this behavior normal because of her past and upbringing.

Mona, I'd bet ten bucks that her daughter will look back at her mother's behavior and learn NOT to do the same.

Yes oakleyoak, that is exactly what I meant in my post.
Running in place: I looked at the facts that Mona presented about her DIL:s upbringing and past actions. To me, Kgw sounds like a mature person who was able to work at and handle a very difficult situation in a mature way. I think Mona's DIL has a long way to go before even reaching this level. A good therapist would go a long way with her.

I've watched my "mother" cheat on my dad all of my life; so I don't have tolerance for people who cheat while married. If marriage is so bad; leave.

Depending on what state they live in; your son could get custody of his child; he also could make it so that she lives within 50 miles of him. The FB guy's wife can also do the same. Once the dust settles; they both may be stuck in their states. lmao The key to this is that your son has to know his rights before anything happens. Once she leaves with the kids; it's hard to get them back. He needs to see an attorney now to make sure she is not allowed to take his child out of state. Her FB page could be used against her right now for sure.

I could be wrong; he does have ties to the little girl even though he's not her bio & he may be able to request visitation. Another thing that needs to be checked is if your DS will have to pay child support for the little girl. I know of a few cases like that; where until there is a final divorce; support was awarded for both kids because the step dad was considered the "dad" by marriage. Even if he gets custody of his child; he still may have to pay support on the girl.

The reality of this is that depending what state HIS (FB guy) wife is in; he very well could be left with no money to live on due to alimony & child support. Same could be said of your son; who I don't doubt would get custody of your GS along with possibly alimony & child support. The 2 of them will be lucky to have enough money to rent an apartment. My step son was divorced in North Carolina; they are pretty tough in this situation. He's not even allowed to bring his child out of state to celebrate holidays. Every time he had a scheduled Christmas holiday; she went to court behind his back & stopped it.

I agree with keeping your GS while she goes & if you can keep the girl; that would be very nice of you. Her world is about to fall apart; that age is so hard to begin with; she's going to have so many emotional issues; especially since it appears you consider her your GD. My divorce was hard on my son because he loved my daughters nana; she was in our lives for 8 years; we spent a lot of time with her. They always treated my son like their own grand kid even though he had a darned good set of paternal grand parents. It was his father that was not in his life.

Since she had a child so young; she's trying to relive her youth. It's possible that when (or if) they do meet up during spring break (that in itself shows what she's about) she very well could be disappointed & I hope your son doesn't just take her back. My hub doesn't have FB & hopefully will not. We've been through one thing with flirting with online gaming almost 10 years ago. I can tell you that even what happened to us; which was nothing compared to this; there were always trust issues; your son will need a lot of counseling to recover from this. With any marriage there will be highs & lows & if there are influences like gaming or facebook; it's just so easy to walk away.

By the way; the best thing that could happen to your DIL would be for her to see this post & snap her back into reality; especially if your son does love her. Believe it or not; they could recover from this with counseling because they have not actually met in person yet. Once she does that; it adds another piece to the hurt.

It's one thing if the marriage was unhappy & they had serious issues but what you're describing; the only real issue she has is not wanting to evolve with the current relationship. Being the spouse of a military person is even harder then being in a regular marriage. She's already thinking your son will leave her; can you imagine how she's going to be with this guy when he gets deployed? Good luck girl. Since he's doing this with his current wife; she's always going to feel he's doing it to her & that I hope will help your son get over this & move on to a woman that deserves him.

I have to add that I love technology but I also hate it. Marriage & relationships are hard enough as it is & technology makes it so that people don't have to work on things. They can easily throw things away.

Yes, Kgwlisa, very insightful and brave to share, thank you. You obviously have a good head on your shoulders and wanted to do the right thing by all. I wish my daughter would agree to talk her situation through with a third party she trusts but has rejected that suggestion.

Something said here that really rang out to me was from Runninginplace:

"IMO the only people who really and truly know what is happening in that marriage are the people in it."

This is so true and why I refuse to take sides in our situation. I want them both to be happy but would never try to push her to go back. Its important to be supportive, but it's equally important not to judge as it will just get in the way.

There are two sides to every story and the truth is usually somewhere in the middle.

Sometimes it is not as simple as "if the marriage is so bad, then leave"... although I will openly admit that any issues I had were completely first world problems. If I were in an area of the world where arranged marriages were the norm and emotional connection, attraction and intimacy were merely a bonus and not primary the way it is here in the US, I would probably still be married. I would have done as my mother encouraged me to do over the years... suck up, take more burden off of my husband, and focus on other things. He did not beat me, he was not abusive to me (emotionally or otherwise). He was not even unpleasant to be around. We had nice vacations, we went places together and never fought (actually we never fought at home either). I congratulated myself for being unshallow enough to marry someone I had no physical attraction to and to be able to see past that. We were compatible on paper - from similar backgrounds, similar intelligence, similar education levels.

But then I found myself 36 years old with the rest of my life ahead of me and not wanting to die without ever feeling any of those things... passion, attraction, feeling attractive myself to my partner, having that kind of intimacy with another human being... not feeling lonely all the time without even having any of the benefits of being alone. Having someone who understood me and with whom I could share my deepest fears and my greatest hopes and dreams and who could actually support me in all of it. All first world problems, but also all things I think a lot of people take for granted. And yes I know full well that these are not things that are easily sustained over the long term and that it takes work to rekindle, but you cannot rekindle something that was never there. And there were other issues too but I really would rather not badmouth the father of my child... nothing completely over the top but I think things a lot of people take for granted about their partners, I never had.

I also think there is a difference between a one-time cheater and a serial cheater as well. I don't believe that necessarily cheating in the first place makes you any more or less prone to cheating again - and if you believe that you are NOT capable of cheating or that your spouse is not capable of cheating, you really have just not been presented with a set of circumstances that made the impossible possible. I have learned many lessons in the last two years but one is that everyone is pretty much capable of anything given the right environment and it is naive to believe otherwise. Yes, there is free will and no you do not have to cave to your baser impulses but everyone can be pushed too far, everyone can be put into a situation where they will do things they never believed themselves capable of doing... and if you are one of those people who has never been in that situation, you should not take your status for granted.

And I'm glad that what I posted helped a few people see things from the "other side" and maybe have a little empathy for what it is like to be in that position. That was really my goal so I guess it was worth it... I'm sure some people will still judge. My own sister disowned me after saying horrible things to me before Christmas and although she is no great loss, I miss my nieces and nephew like crazy and because all holiday celebrations are at her house, I am excluded from that as well (even though I still have a good relationship with my parents). I guess it will someday blow over but it does add to the overall emotional cost of not getting it right the first time... along with the kid aspect. Of course you want to give your kids the best of everything and it does break my heart that I could not manage to be the best mother I can be while still giving him an intact home. But he is a happy kid and hopefully the example set will save him the pain I've gone through.

Once the person (my sister, kgwlisa, mona's DIL, etc.) ALLOWS the "other person" into their lives, it doesn't matter how much "work" the person puts into it, to save their marriage-it's too late, most of the time. I am not saying that the "other person" is not a better fit, but, when there are kids involved, think about the kids. In most cases, the person's mind is so clouded by this new and exciting love feelings that what is good for the kids is totally lost. Of course, the kids will survive, but at what cost?

The above doesn't pertain to families where there are factors that cause harm in the family, such as alcoholism, abuse, etc.

kgwlisa, when I posted on here about two years ago about my sister, I got a lot of responses on this board that stated there was no way this could happen to them, or that their spouse could have an affair. I totally agree with you that under the right circumstances, it could happen.

kwglisa - you are very brave for putting your story out there. If anyone judges you negatively, they are not worth the worry. I hope your sister comes back to you, or at least allows you to be part of her kids' lives.

I do think there is a very big difference between your story and the OP's DIL's story. You found yourself in a situation that caused you to come to the realization that you were not happy. You can never be the best parent you can be if you are not happy with your life. From the OP's description, the DIL will never be happy. She will always be looking for the next best thing. Very different from your situation.

Sometimes, we don't even realize we were not happy until later. My ex cheated. I caught him. I was devestated. We tried to work it out. We tried counseling. It didn't work for us. We divorced. It took some time, but I came to realize how unhappy I was and didn't (or wouldn't let myself) know it.

Divorce is not something that should be decided easily, but it is sometimes the right thing for everyone, including the kids. My DD was not even 2 yrs old when we split up. She is now 25. She is a happy person and I know that a big part of that was that I was a happy person for most of her formative years. It wasn't easy, but it was better than staying in an unhappy marriage. Better for me. And better for her.

I think kwglisa and Mona's DIL are really not even close to being the same situation other than the fact they both were unhappy in their marriages and had met someone that they wanted to leaver their marriage for. Which I can understand kwglisa having compassion for the DIL having felt herself how lonely it is to be in a loveless marriage. However, that is where the two parallels end. IF Mona's DIL had done half of what kwglisa did in soul searching for what was the correct road to take, I'd have some sympathy for her.

The DIL has reverted to behavior appropriate for a college sophomore - going on spring break? Really with two kids at home? It reminds me a bit of the Casey Anthony situation. Mona's DIL is so hell bent on having her fun and meeting up with her new love, she seems to have no regard at all for her children. Whichever is the easiest way to unload them works for her. I would also strongly support any efforts Mona can do to take care of her GS and the GD too if possible.

Kwglisa was faced with a heart wrenching decision - she sought therapy and did soul searching to come up with her decision to leave her marriage. I'm sure in this process how her son would fare in this decision was discussed and managed.

Mona's DIL is acting impulsively and may truly regret her actions down the road, but probably not. My first thought when I read the post was does the DIL think the new boyfriend is going to want to raise her two kids, plus his 3? He sounds just as impulsive as DIL - perhaps they deserve each other.

Mona, I was not aware of the circumstances, I did not read the info in your post about the DIL dumping on someone else if you weren't involved.

Sadly, your GC will learn all about thier mother, in time. You can only be there to love while you can and support, and teach morals. With a little luck, she may realize that what she thinks she can get is much less than what she has with your son.
Good luck

I completely agree that in the right situation, anyone is capable of an affair. In fact, I think that the "right thing to do" means PREVENTING the affair, plain and simple.

Now, someone I know had an affair (she was engaged), and I think it saved her. Maybe saved her life. She had it because it was (I think) an unconscious way to get out of an abusive relationship. She is now happily married to someone else completely-- not the person she had an affair with. As her friend, I am VERY grateful she did what she did. Could it have been handled in a different way? Yes, but this sort of sealed the deal.

Anyway, this is not my point. My point, Mona, is to tell you how sorry I am. It is a loss, I am sure, and you all need time to grieve. I am sad with you, especially for the children. On a bright note, one of DH's friends got divorced (and had kids). His wife left. He got remarried to someone amazing who truly appreciates him!

Mona, here we are one week later; I'm hoping you are sleeping better and that you are coming to grips with this situation, cheers, Michele

Back again...update
My son and his wife had been speaking. He had allowed her to stay in the home as long as she did not communicate with her friend while in the home. He said she could speak with him while in her car, at work or even while standing on the sidewalk, but to hear her speaking with her friend and hearing the sighs and giggles was too much for him to have to put up with.

He heard her on the phone and reminded her of his request. She blew up; said she couldn't live under those rules and would come back after work; pack up and move out that evening. He didn't try to convince her otherwise.

Knowing she'd be coming late and hoping to avoid a long process lasting until the wee hours, he started packing up some of her things and those of the 13 yr old daughter.
OMG! The drama when she saw things packed up. She was screaming that this was proof that he couldn't wait to kick them out of the house.

When she got to her Mom's house she announced to everyone that my son had kicked them out even though she and her daughter had no place to go. (The 5 yr was at my home for the night.) The MIL believed that he had indeed kicked them out and sent a nasty email letting him know how they felt about him.

Fast forward a few days and my grandson tells me that his family doesn't live together anymore because his Daddy didn't want them anymore and asked them to leave. I wonder who told him that?
The 13 yr old tells her Dad that this is all his fault and thanks for kicking them out. Again, where did she hear that?
Of course there are denials and claims that words were misunderstood.

Anyway, she told family she was canceling her trip to meet her friend, but went anyway and hooked up with him. Her daughter found out and is really angry about that.
She's starting to warm up to her dad because of that.

A couple of days ago, it seems the wife found out about this situation and the friend has cooled his ardor somewhat.
Now, my DIL is hinting that my son should fight for her and show he loves her.

The MIL thinks my son should consider this, after all we all make mistakes.

My son says he'll never trust her and is filing for divorce.

I'm not believing that our family is living a Jerry Springer life with what looks like any kind of a solution being a less than happy one.

GEEZ!!!

I'm so sorry about that Mona...

Why is it that the people who behave most outrageously can't see that their behavior is in any way wrong? I know, I know -- It's because they can't see anything wrong with their own behavior that lets them behave so very, very badly.

She doesn't sound 'worth fighting for...'

Oh goodness, Mona. I'm sorry to hear the latest drama. It sounds like your DIL has a screw lose. Like Sweeby said, she doesn't sound like she is worth fighting for.

Mona, so sorry this is happening to you and your family. It really is frustrating beyond belief when things are so far outside of our control yet impact us so greatly.

I'm afraid this kind of breakup is quite common now--I know two husbands who began online affairs with ex girlfriends via Facebook, and one of my female coworkers left her husband just last year for her ex boyfriend who reconnected with her on Facebook and then started texting, etc.

In these cases, anyone could/did see signs of problems in the marriages before the online affairs started. One of the husbands who cheated, I have to say that no one could be blamed for leaving his wife--she was awful. Still, that's not the way to do it, especially with kids involved.

One of the divorced spouses got remarried SIX WEEKS after the divorce was final. My friend went from being married, knowing nothing about the affair to being divorced and having her kids spend weekends with a complete stranger *and the stranger's equally unknown children* in 90 days.

As for meeting that 'one special person' who is perfect for you.... my mom did that and divorced my dad to be with him. It's now 30 years later and yes, she has been blissfully married ever since. They truly are soulmates. Unfortunately for my sibs and I, our stepdad was far from being OUR soulmate, and we all left home in our midteens as a result. So, two people happy, but four people unhappy.

I'm absolutely not against people who are unhappy separating and starting over, but speaking from experience, hardly anyone honestly looks at what it's doing to their kids.

thanks for the update Mona, you must be so torn over this drama; I can understand your son for being so over this part of his life, your DIL sure is showing her true colors. Good luck in all this and keep us posted.

Mona, I'm sorry this is happening to your son. And those poor kids! Their entire world has been turned upside down.

In my own family, my sister-in-law kicked my brother out of the house last year. Sent email after email to the entire family telling us that he was an alcoholic, a drug user, emotionally abusive, a rotten father. (None of which was true.) Goodness only knows what she's been telling their kids.

A month after she kicked him out, she asked him back--not back into the marriage, but into the house, because she could not control the children. My brother had been the primary care-taking parent. Then, a few months later, she kicked him out again. My brother went to counseling--she refused to go, as all the problems in the marriage were clearly his fault.

The divorce was final last month. Three days after that, the husband from the house next door moved in. Yep, ex-SIL and him had been having an affair, apparently for a couple of years.

Two families, with a total of 6 children, ripped apart. It's a huge mess and I don't know if my brother will ever recover from this.

Mona-
My dad left my mom for her friend who lived up the street when I was 9. My mom found him there when she saw his car around the corner, and she went there to confide in her. Her daughter was my best friend and knew all along. Dad eventually got her pregnant and I have a half-brother from that relationship, and he left my mom for her.
I just want you to know, I eventually figured out as a child very early on- who was wrong and who was right regardless of what my parents were telling me. Although it was awful living through this- my Mom got us into therapy as a family- and I also was able to have many sessions alone. It helped a lot, and I want you to know, I was able to grow up and have a healthy relationship with my husband who I trust more than anyone in the world. I truly believe the therapy is what allowed me to move on from this.

I highly recommend when the situation cools down for your son to see a therapist with his son, and daughter if her mother will allow it. It helps so much to heal the battle wounds of a messy situation like this.

I am so sorry to hear of this continuing drama in your family. I will keep everyone in my thoughts.

Just speaking up here for all the people who feel they DID meet that "soulmate" after they were already married to someone else and yet chose not to act on it for reasons of loyalty, duty, dignity and love of the children, family and yes, even the spouse who is not as perfect as the temptation. Those words "for better and for worse" are not an empty promise for everyone.

Please note I am in no way advocating that women who are treated badly should stay in a marriage that is damaging to them or their children. But I am definitely not on board with the "soul mate" theory of divorce, at least until the kids are out of the home.

kswl - are you speaking from the standpoint of someone who encountered that other person and made the decision to stay with your husband and family? Would you be willing to share some of your insights and feelings as you worked your way through the issue?

My closest friend went through this situation, and although I was her sounding board friend (not a "friend / amateur therapist," she had a good therapist, thank heavens!) I do not presume to know everything that she felt. I did know that she decided to stay where she was because she had commitments to her husband and children that were, in the end, more important than anything else. I still admire her for choosing to honor her commitment, although I would have stood by her whatever her choice. She decided that she would wait to make any kind of move or decision (irrespective of the man--- he dropped out of the picture when she made her choice) until her children were in college. In the intervening 12 years she and her husband, who are still married, have endured several profound health issues and their relationship is now stronger than it ever was. Yes, it could have gone the other way and she could have left when the kids were older, but she would at least have had the satisfaction of knowing she lived up to her own standards of behavior.

kswl -that's an admirable woman. I think sometimes we kid ourselves that people married for the long haul have found a rare connection that makes it easy to stay married. Maybe in a teeny weeny number of situations. Personally, I think they have been through the same things that others have... arguments over money, unrelenting disagreements at times, moments of "Who in the world did I marry?', boredom, changing world views, etc. But they choose to stay for reasons similar to your friend's reasons.

Anybody who is or has been married knows its not easy. I know there is not a one size fits all recipe for relationships, but the impetus to leave a marriage for another person does seem to imply that the relationship was tolerable until the other person came into the picture. I also know men and women both who have left a spouse, married another and ended up no happier than they were before. There's no easy answer......