I think it's all depending on whether that male friend found the woman to be attractive or not. Also, it's depending on the level of their closeness & mental intimacy. If a man found a woman who's his soul mate on email exchange, and irl she's physical/sexually attractive, it's probably difficult for him to not falling for her (whether he wants it or not). I have a lot of male friends, but they aren't my soul mates and I'm not attracted to them. I'm there to help then anytime they need me, we are very good friends since we were 18 (met in college) but because we don't have physical attraction for each other, nothing ever happened. They are all married w/ kids. However, I'm very cautious a/b entering a level where a male friend became my soul mate . If I found a man who is my soul mate (understand me, sharing my common passions, etc.) and we are both physically attracted to each other, then it would be tough to keep my marriage intact. I do not want to be tempted, you know, so I don't even go there. Yes, I can be friends, but I don't let any man enter the inner sanctum of my heart :-). Once (before DH) I knew this man from the internet who was my soulmate in every way. We often compared ourselves to Sabine & Griffith who live on parallel universe. Well, we met irl & while he was very physical attracted to me, I am not attracted to him. He ended up being hurt by my refusal & that broke our friendship. If I was remotely attracted to him, we are probably married now. :-) A lot of marital affairs started out as friendship, you know. :-)

Oh wow! Now that *does* sound like it was a good day! That's fantastic Judith. Now go forth and empower thyself! But just one thing - if he is enjoying his job, I do hope you can work out a situation that will be mutually satisfying whereby he can *still* enjoy his job. Upon re-reading your other posts, I realized that your DH has a consultant's job or a consultant-like job. I'm so sorry, my dear, but work-fixation, being on-call and frequently being away *is* the life of a consultant. You still do NOT need to be running interference for him with his kids or stalled out/in a holding pattern until "the time is right" (euphemism for: I'll do it later which is a euphemism for: never). You've already articulated well that your personal development needs to factor in as well - obviously since your own personal goals are not being realized and that is making you chafe. But I do so hope you can manage something where he doesn't have to give up what he likes about his new job. Say, a question for you: Does his job lie in New York and does he only return to Boston for the family or does his job extend here too? If it is the former, would you consider moving to New York? It may be easier all told - for both of you. Your children are not so old that it would be difficult to move not to mention, there is something quite culturally and intellectually enriching and exciting to move to a different city, state, country ... I also liked what geogirl wrote - not just in evaluation of your scenario, Judith, but it was eye-opening for me too. Perhaps it will seem less contentious if one realizes that it is not just good advice for a marriage, but good for any relationship at all. Work relationships, friendships, as well as marriage often respond similarly to the same actuation ... no surprise there since the same people are involved, only the pairings are different. Matter of fact, geogirl's advice made a few things click for me regarding a great friendship I had once had that soured - and soured spectacularly and rapidly. Interestingly, there are shades of the same issues that Judith summarized about the path of her life with her husband that are common to me with this friend of mine. (Aside: this was a perfectly platonic friendship, no hanky-panky to cloud issues or muddy waters). We were probably both to blame that our friendship became quite cancerous (well, almost certainly, although I like to think that I was a really good friend to him and he - well, not so much) but the bottom line is that it was wrong for me to simply assume that because I'd tolerated my friend's moody, temperamental, cross-patch phase when he was going through a tough time, that at a much later point in time, when he was back on even-keel and when life-things became burdensome for me that it was alright for me not to bother to hold my own temper and irritability in check with him. And I can be quite temperamental and very quick to temper. So it isn't exactly what geogirl was talking about but metaphorically and euphemistically - I did see a parallel and it was quite clarifying for me. In the meanwhile, good for you, Judith. Good for you for taking some time for yourself. You need to put some vim and vigor back in your life! Glad you went to the gym. I'm heading out for a run myself. Say, I'm right in the Boston area myself. Maybe I'll be running past your place! :-)

Great thread! I was the only girl with 2 brothers, so I spent a lot of growing up time with "the boys". They always called me dramatic and irrational and I think hysterical a time or 2 lol! Come to think of it, they still do. Ol Joyful: Your post almost made me cry, about how proud you are to be a Canadian (here! here!) yet you almost feel sorry for others who were born to countries less fortunate than ours. At least once a week (or more) and when I watch the news I thank God for placing me, right here - the true north proud and free! And that makes me emotional - so then I switch the channel to the Big Bang Theory so I won't get all blubbery. Ron, I like the how you described "the boxes". Oh my gosh, that is so true. So many times I've asked my DH what he was thinking, when he kind of stares mindlessly off into the abyss. And he says "Nothing". Nothing? That's impossible not to think of anything. I've tried it and I just can't do it. All the while he's going to his Man Cave. lol I would love to be able to do that. But as you said, our minds are like nets, with nowhere to hide lol. Now if only we could insert a man's brain with a GPS we women would get less agitated with them when we're on road trips! lol j/k And women could get a switch to shut off the emotions, or a dimmer switch so we could at least tone them down, we'd all get along better! :-) BJ

I think these tendencies vary more with the individual than it does necessarily just to gender. But my experience pretty much mirrors what most have stated here. For most of my married life, I was the primary breadwinner (larger salary). But that did not mean I didn't carry the lions' share of househld responsibilities - I did virtually ALL the cooking, cleaning, laundry, gardening etc. Otherwise it would never have gotten done and it was just not worth the dissention to debate about it. And there would have been NO social engagements unless I initiated them. Things like that were just not in his play book :-) (when we finally did split up, he complained that all "our" friends sided with me. What he failed to understand was that I was the one that cultivated and encouraged the friendships and they were really my friends, not his as he put out no effort to maintain them) In hindsight I should have known better :-) He was an only child and a mommy's boy who had everything done for him while growing up, even though he had not lived at home for years before we met.