He does deserve to be thrown out on his cheating a$$, but marriages have survived infidelities and even grown stronger.

Absolutely. I've seen it happen, and the couple is stronger and wiser and so much more of a complete entity than ever would have been possible before the affair. Not that it was an easy experience by any means, but the couple I speak of made it through the pain of betrayal and came out on the other side even better than they would likely have been otherwise. Healing and forgiveness and a resultant endurance is possible in some cases. I'm not suggesting that Pesky try to salvage her marriage; just agreeing with dedtired's statement in general.

Yup. I think lawyers can suck your money. I'm a DIY'er. I petitioned both of my adoptions and a divorce. Family arbitration is the way to go but if you need legal advice, I can't see the harm of paying a lawyer for advice.

Seriously, she didn't say ANYTHING on FB except she was in a relationship and it's complicated. Nothing else. Her friend told her to think of her own mental health. I'm sorry I brought it up. Our Pesky is smarter than that.

Whatever you do, do NOT leave the house (move out). If you want to, throw him out, but you need to stay in the house. Legal ramifications if you walk out.

I'm so sorry. This is a life-changing mess, no matter what you decide to do or how it turns out. And your emotions will be conflicted for a while. You have over twenty years with someone you love, how could you not be conflicted and want to just hug him and leave it all behind? I think that's normal. Having something happen where you can see it can make the whole thing worse than just hearing about it. However, I think that the likelyhood of you walking in on the very first time it happened, is pretty slim.

Many moons ago, I was in a similar situation but with only five years invested. I loved and he loved me, but there were many things already going wrong between us even while the love and friendship was still there. I already knew that we should never have married but had no plan or desire to leave, and we were further complicated by a young child. However, once he was caught out, he did the same thing. He cried and apologized and told me he loved me, but then, in the next moment, tried to blame it on me and got mad. I believe that true remorse over a momentary mistake displays itself in a humble, "Please forgive me!" attitude, not yelling and arguing and accusing the other person of whatever...
But even after I made my life-changing decision and calmly made arrangements to start my own life with my child, I still had moments of doubt and feeling guilty over what it did to him. I had those feelings well into meeting and marrying my husband of today. I even had to tell him that I felt so bad for divorcing "D" and still had love for him. Fortunately, Mr. Red is an understanding guy and helped me see that those feelings were normal but wasted on my ex-husband.

Get your legal rights figured out right now. If you go forward, you will be glad you did. If down the line, you forgive and work it out, it won't hurt that you did.

One more thing. You have to consider how YOU would feel if your husband were cheating on you and no one told you. I would want to know.

Red

If you have children under the age of 18 do NOT move out.
Other than that ,there are no ramifications .

There is no abandonment issues.

Due to the health issues of sharing a home with a man who shows total disregard for your physical well being ,moving would be an appropriate action.

If this is truly the step you want to take...
Make copies of all financial paperwork.

You would be amazed how that disappears.

After reading all the comments and advise, I still have to say I'd spend the money to see an attorney. Knowledge is power and even if you are able to handle things later through arbitration or on your own, you should not make assumptions to understand the laws in their entirety or how a court would handle your specific situation.

If you are planning to leave, then shhhhhh, don't say a word. That will only make him fearful and you don't want him acting out of fear. You need to quietly prepare for whatever changes you decide to make and exclude him from that process. Trust me when I say, that the preparation to take control of your life will make you feel empowered and strong.

Pesky, my thoughts are with you. I think the relationship you are presently in needs to end inorder to heal. By this I do not mean to suggest that you need to decide on divorce now, that is a choice to make later not today. However, the patterns that are and have been present in your in your marriage need to cease inorder for your life to improve. Time, space or distance, counceling and lots of work are needed to help with the process of moving forward with or w/out him. It is really one day at a time or for me sometimes, one hour at a time.

((pesky))) thinking of you. Hang tough.

AFter my ex and I were separated for awhile, we sat down together and came up with a deal that was satisfactory to both of us. Of course, this depends on being able to communicate and to be realistic.

I then found an attorney, showed her our ideas and she said I wouldn't do any better than this if we we battled it out in court. She then wrote up the agreement, we signed, handed over a check for $1200 for her fees and costs and were done with it. I also paid him $1 for the house, as agreed!

It is so difficult to be level-headed during this process when you are so full of anger, disappointment and loss. However, it is essential.

I still say that if there is any glimmer of hope that you can reconcile and be happy together, you should try that. It sounds as if you're still talking. Sometimes divorce is just trading one set of problems for another set of problems. However, things may be too far gone to salvage the marriage. Only you know that. In that case, get out of it and move on, but do that with your eyes open to reality.

Some (many?) divorce attorneys specialize in amicably-negotiated settlements as opposed to nasty battles. If you think this is possible with your husband, it can be a very cost-effective way to proceed, without necessarily giving up your own legal counsel.

That's the route I chose in my case, though I was the one who retained the attorney, and I made it very clear to her that while I wanted a settlement that was fair to both parties, I wanted her to represent MY interests, not ours equally. I did advise my Ex to hire his own attorney, but he was too cheap and felt his own judgement and sharp eye would protect his legal interests. Accordingly, the final settlement - which my Ex and I drafted just as Dedtired wrote above - was 50/50 fair financially, but advantageous to me in several subtle but very important legal provisions.

Bottom line - DO get your own lawyer.

Such wonderful insights and advice. This morning I went to see my son and my daughters were there too. We all discussed the situation and I am so blessed that they are so supportive. They put it so succinctly to me; they said I'm the hardest working person they've ever seen and that they love me and want me to LIVE. My DD said I should just call my Aunt and go to Hawaii with her. Basically, they encouraged me to pursue my dreams.

I was most worried about our family dynamic, and the kids universally agreed that they will keep him in their lives (technically he's their step-father, but he's raised them) but HE must make the effort to do so. They do see him as being a grandfather to their future kids, and to partake in family events, so that makes the decision so much easier for me. I don't want to estrange him, but I don't want to live with or support him any more.

When my son is home, in a few weeks!! he's going to live with me and has said he will be the 'Man of the house' and do all those chores I need done. He's so sweet. My other DD is excited to come help me redo things (I'm not planning to do that for a while). I didn't realize how dysfunctional things had been until they've opened up today.

My husband is very emotionally immature. He does love me but I have out grown him, and I know he did what he did as a chicken-shot way of ending this broken trail we've been on. And after a long talk last night, I realized I really don't want to stay with him. He's put the blame on me and some of what he's said is true, they're traits I want to change (I tend to be very critical of him in front of others) but a lot of it is not bad, it's what he's perceived as being mean to him.

He's said he's going to go and I think that is a very good idea. But I think he's half hoping I'll tell him to stay. He tries to guilt me into the idea that he'd have to sell all his stuff, but I don't care. I am not leaving the house, and he's already said it's mine (he couldn't afford to live here). He'll probably be leaving the area for a while in the next week or so, and then will make the move. I think on some level he'll think I'll cave, but not this time. I can't, and now that I know that my kids won't hate him and want me to be happy, I can do this without regrets.

You're a wise woman Pesky.

And since we can't be hot, young and beautiful forever, being wise is a great alternative!

Pesky, your clear-sighted common sense is impressive. I'm sorry that you have to go through this emotionally wrenching ordeal, but I have a feeling you're going to land on your feet. I said a prayer for you today. Hope you are feeling a little more confident and at peace.

Wow Pesky, your strength is inspiring. I'm very excited for your future.

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this, Pesky. I confess that it doesn't particularly surprise me. During the BIL and the Buddha thread a year or so ago, I keep wondering how much longer you'd remain married to a man who showed so little concern for you. I hoped it was just one of those rough patches, but it felt more serious even then.

Please see your attorney sooner rather than later. It's important to know exactly how your actions might affect the terms of a divorce. In particular, you need to protect yourself financially. If you have a joint bank accounts and credit cards, you need to untangle this right away. The attorney will be able to help you navigate your specific situation. At the very least, your new income needs to go into an individual account. Unfortunately, I've known both men and women, who were sane and reasonable until a marriage crisis turned them sociopaths whose weapon of choice was money. You don't want to be responsible for any debt that your husband incurs going forward.

Highly agree with yogacat about the financials- someone also mentioned making copies of stuff; include tax returns; one for him of course but I wouldn't hand it over just yet. Get stuff like that out of the house before he does. You really need to spend the day tomorrow going through the motions on stuff that is yours that he should not touch- get a safe deposit box. It's very easy for stuff to go missing & the advice is being given due to your last post; how he's leaving but you think he wants you to ask him to stay.. him mentioning he'll have to sell stuff. If he's saying this to you; he's saying it to other people & they will start giving advice; just like you're getting here.

I went to Caldor one day & wrote a check. They ran it through the machine & it said account closed; (how he managed to close 2 joint accounts without my sig; I have no clue) Here I thought my marriage was "ok"... apparently he was planning on making some sort of move before the physical abuse started. He then quickly called credit cards & started sending mail to his mothers house. My credit was ruined due to a joint card he didn't pay & that he took from me at some point & got rid of all the financial information. This is why I say to get copies and/or get it out of the house. As was mentioned; get his name off of stuff- also cancel accounts or freeze them- have them transfer into a new account only in your name but leave the balance on those account numbers because they will end up being something that gets split in 1/2. You do not want him incurring debt in your name now that you've decided to end it.

We had a Harley that he ended up taking to a friends shop to get an estimate & I got royally screwed on that. If you have anything that needs to be divided but you need estimates on; start preparing that before he takes the property with him. If you have cars that are titled joint; you also need to decide what to do with those. You would not believe how greedy people get- as Sweeby said; be sure to say the same thing to your attorney but come prepared on what you feel is fair & also be prepared to wheel & deal because I bet; he is going to have sour grapes at some point & will try to screw you over like my ex did to me. Most people in that situation do. While he says you'd keep the house; someone will tell him that 1/2 is rightfully his (if you live in a joint state) & he will expect you to buy him out.

When I got divorced; I was prepared to split down the middle; even though I did not work; I had child support going into the closed account plus I'd sold my Harley; I was entitled to 1/2 & after the abuse I put up with; I wanted my 1/2 but he got greedy & it got nasty. I had neighbors (his friends) stealing my recycling & going through my trash trying to "get something on me". The neighbors used to call his attorney regularly & eventually it all smacked him in the face & he was hit with a really large attorney bill that was over $15,000.

Roselvr gave you great advice. Definitely close/cancel all joint accounts.

Hang in there. Sounds like you have wonderful support from your children-that is great.

Sending you good energy and hugs.

My prayers are with you, Pesky. You are a strong woman and have the support of your children behind you - that alone will help make this process easier. Having been in your shoes after 10 years of marriage, I understand much of what you're going through and can't agree more with the excellent advice of consulting an attorney and getting your affairs in order NOW. Assumptions made or promises offered prior to divorce often end up being incorrect or terms of negotiation and conflict, so you need confident legal advise and protection. I'll keep you in my prayers, and do feel that all will work out for your best.

I agree that roselvr gave you good advice. I've never been divorced, but I've had friends tell me that you never know someone until you divorce them

One friend did what was suggested here, because her DH was a manipulative liar: she went through all papers and copied them before even telling him she wanted a divorce. In that case, there were two public pensions and two deferred compensation accounts; the retirement system figures those out since it's very complicated. Since his was larger, he had to give her cash to compensate.

Sounds like you have a good plan, though.

Good luck.
Dee

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm amazed at your strength and wisdom, and I'm so glad your kids are there for you. Please make him leave ASAP. I think the waters will just get muddy if he doesn't. HE'S the one that left the marriage and violated your vows. Don't forget that.

Holy moly, roselvr, your ex sure put you through hell. So sorry you had to go through that cr@pola.

My Dh's ex planned savagery long before he knew trouble was afoot so he was totally blindsided by closed accounts, fraudulent financials etc, so do pay heed to the cautions presented here. I do not advocate anything but peaceful resolution, but am savvy enough to hope that you will document everything and put holds on all accounts, even those he is not on as he may have sufficient info to mishandle them leaving you with nothing.

Still, while what he did was wrong, I do hold out hope for all such situations in expectations that miracles are possible. Nothing wrong with protecting yourself if those we face prove not to be able to grasp the potential to do good, however.

I am sorry you are going through this. I've also been there -- I didn't walk in on him, but I overheard DH on the phone IN OUR HOUSE!

AuntJen speaks the truth when she says: You will come out on the other side stronger, more assured, and more intact than you realize.

I was young when it happened to me (27) and had a baby. I knew I couldn't stay with him, but I had a hard time imaging my life as a single mom.

Well, I found out that I was stronger than I thought, and I am a much better, stronger person because of it. At one point, years later, when the ex and I were arguing about something, he said I was still angry at him for cheating on me. Ha! I calmy explained that it was the best thing he ever did! It made me realize that I was in an unhappy marriage and allowed me to get out and I was so much happier.

My advice to anyone that asks me for advice (because they know what I've gone through) is get a GOOD lawyer. Even if your situation will be a simple uncontested divorce, you need a good lawyer looking out for you. If it is a simple divorce, the retainer you pay the lawyer will be enough to cover the cost. It sounds like that is your situation, and with no child support needed, it should be simpler. Not having a good lawyer to watch out for you can cause more problems that will be more expensive down the road. Believe me, I know from experience. I probably could have retired by now if I hadn't had to spend the tens of thousands of dollars I did to clean up the mess caused because I thought he would be reasonable and we could write our own agreement.

Get a good lawyer that you are comfortable with, and do it soon.

Good luck. I'll be thinking of you.

Pesky, I am so happy that your son is coming home! The State of Oregon (my home state now) should be ashamed...but that's another topic.

My husband just retired after practicing divorce law for over 50 years in Los Angeles. I can only echo what others have said, speak to an attorney as soon as possible (preferably one who has been recommended to you). You are a very smart woman and I know you will make the right decisions.

I can't add anything to what everyone else has already said, but wish you all the luck in the world. I will tell you that every single woman I know(and I know many!)is the happiest she has ever been, but has had to go thru difficulties(some thru 'hell and high water' because of the ex!)to get there, but you do 'get there'.

I don't know your age, but since you've been married over 10 years, and if you don't re-marry, you *will* be entitled to half of his social security, so please keep that in mind for *your* future. It may not be a huge amount, but is *is* yours for the taking, and will lessen the amount of money coming out of your pocket.

God bless you pesky, and ((((stay strong)))). ;o)

Not that you want to think about re-marriage at this point to ANYONE, but patty-cakes brings up something to consider. If you have been married over 10 years, you CAN remarry, but only if you wait until you are at least 60. Any sooner, and you lose the chance to acquire his benefits as an option. However, if you have earned more over your lifetime, perhaps your SS retirement benefits would be larger than his anyway. But it isn't a bad idea to not lose the option.

I have continued to read this thread, and I am so honored to be a part of this place, among so many caring and wise women (and men, if any are and I just don't realize it). We are all behind you as you go through this. I am so pleased that your kids are supporting you, because I KNOW that has to make it all so much easier for you.

Look on the bright side - Buddha's not going to get covered any more by houseguests.

LOL Graywings!!!

If I'm remembering correctly, pesky works for the government. My pension is from the government and I can never get SS from DH. There's something called the government pension offset, which takes 2/3 of your pension and reduces it from any eligible social security. For me, that means I get nothing. Hopefully, the court will take that into consideration when portioning out her pension.

Dee

Before you close any accounts, you need the bank to document (copies) of the balance so you husband won't come in later and say there was more money in there and try to screw you over. That way you can give him half.

If he's a vengeful person, you need to do this asap before he beats you to it.

I just wanted to add a couple things --
1. you may think you will NEVER marry again. That's what I said. Why in the world would I EVER subject myself to that again? Well, of course, over time things change. I did remarry. To a wonderful man. The exact opposite of the 1st H. But, at the time, I didn't account for that in the divorce agreement and it became a big problem when I did decide to get married again. Basically, never say never :-)

2. Even if he is not a vengeful person, do what needs to be done anyway (closing joint accounts, etc). It is amazing what they can do when they get mad.

Jill, if you don't mind me asking, what type of problems did you run into later when you remarried? I am going thru a divorce right now myself so this might be something I need to know. Does it have to do with support payments ending if you get remarried? Thanks.

I can write a book on divorce lol
Advice depends on whether there are children involved too because there are things you may not think of while they're smaller but as they grow you may need to adjust an order & going to the judge costs money. Medical expenses; things like braces; college; visitation- they're also making people stay within a certain mile radius (50-75); if you want to move you have to get consent or leave the kids. I've always tried to be nice with visitation- I drive 1/2 way for drop off & pickup & even then; they still scream. I also give up any Christmas morning they wanted.. if they wanted any winter or spring break. I've even allowed grand parent & aunt/uncle visitation.

The hardest thing to deal with is having the non custodial parent covering the kids with health insurance because they can really make you broke with this- they can pick the crummiest plan with high deductible. You also need to include they have to send you the EOB (explanation of benefits) in a timely manner- whether it's via fax or mail/email- they also need to sign a waiver with their insurance company & the employee services that handles the insurance because try getting health information on your own kid when your not on the plan.. You will go nuts faxing the divorce agreement; judges order; etc. You also want a log in to access online info.

Make sure you know how much medical you cover before they have to pay their share of 1/2 to 75%. I guess mine forgets that ours is $250; then he pays 75%- I've never gotten a dime of the $800 deductible back- mine owes me probably $15,000 in medical

Another big one; sending the new health insurance cards in a timely manner. We didn't get one for 5 years. I kept calling insurance; they'd send him one out & he refused to forward it. He's also cashed my $50 eye glass refund which they refuse to mail directly to me. You also may be able to get a list of insurance that's offered for when enrollment time comes along.

The other thing is income tax- the custodial parent can claim head of household; which also allows the non custodial to take the kid as the tax deduction- once you're married again; either have it state that you alternate odd/even years or who is going to take the deduction. This is usually a big one because the IRS does check & if the child is claimed by the non custodial parent 1st; you're screwed unless you have it in writing.

Gail - don't mind at all! My original divorce agreement was written between me and the ex. The agreement was he would pay 1/2 of the mortgage on the house and our daughter and I would continue to live there. It was not called "child support" in the agreement, but of course to me that's what it was. The agreement also said that if I remarried the ex would not have to pay 1/2 the mortgage and in fact, if I wanted to stay there, I had to buy him out. Now, since I thought I would never get married, seemed fine. And the buying him out part was fine. But, when I remarried and bought him out, he claimed that he didn't have to pay child support because our agreement didn't say he did. So, essentially, he didn't have to pay ANYTHING for supporting his kid. His claim was he gave her dinner a few nights a week and had a room for her at his house, so he was already splitting costs with me. Ha! Not even close. Anyway, had to then go back to court to get him to pay child support. Of course, court awarded me that, but it was a long and expensive battle. Of course, just about every year or two, he'd try to get out of it again and back to court we'd go. His salary at the time was well into the 6 figure range, yet he didn't want to pay support for his kid.

I'm always happy to share my experiences if it can help anyone else avoid the same problems.

Feel free to ask more or email me privately if you'd like (I have email setup on my page).

Good luck to you!

Another good thing to include since you mention child support- go through the state; let them deduct it from his pay so it gets deposited into your account automatically. If he doesn't pay it; they automatically deal with that too. They also do a cost of living increase regularly.

Oh, yes, roselvr is so right about payroll deduction through the state. I also had a situation where he was mad about something and sent payment late. Made sure that never happened again by getting automatic payroll deduction.

Pesky, I see you have done everything else right and now you need to do this right. You are too evolved for this situation. His victim light is blinding.

Yes gold, especially after looking at the FB picture. Pesky, I'm telling you this as a friend, please delete everything you're writing about him on FB. It's already causing your daughter grief by feeling she has to defend you. His Aunt is getting angry at you for posting the picture and remarks by other's.

Even if you all stay together, which it kind of looks like you might, I don't think you should be discussing this at all on FB.

He can come in there and say you're posting pictures of him and he didn't give you permission, which could lead to more complexity if you divorce.

I know I'm being blunt but I'm on your side and I don't want to see you suffer anymore than you already are.

Thanks Oak, I'll do that. My DD is emotionally fragile about this and is trying so hard to protect my feelings, but I'm actually feeling quite strong. She is torn, she loves him, but hates him at the same time, and having her sister be so angry at him is hurting her. In time we'll all heal, but for now it's pretty raw, so I'm taking down the pic.

I have met with a counselor and upon her advice am not taking drastic steps as of now. Financially, we have only one joint account, and it's not where most of our money goes, it's the one we use to transfer $ back and forth to to other accounts. No CS to worry about, and I've always handled all the financials, he doesn't even know who we pay the mortgage to. Honestly, he's not devious and would much rather run away from the situation than fight. He's never, ever been a fighter and that is part of the issue I've had with him over the years...he just rolls over too easily.

WHen he says he's going to sell his things, he's talking about HIS things specifically...his guns, his molds, his collections...things of which I have zero interest. All other things (besides one dog) are pretty much nothing he wants to be burdened with.

So I am not sure where or what is going on. All I know is that right now, today, he's in the hospital fighting an infection related to surgery he just had. A BIG part of me wants to say KARMA is biting you, but I think he thinks that way, too. I know this man sometimes better than he knows himself. I also believe that what he did was not in his character, but is an expression of a much deeper problem.

My first husband was a serial cheater...and he did it because he was just a bastid. This one has never, in 22 years, done anything...I'd bet my life on it. But I know that in this case, it was him acting out...extremely inappropriately and in the most chicken-shot way you can imagine. But that doesn't excuse what he did or mean I'm going to sweep it under the rug. I'm trying really hard to examine my feelings and in the mean time I have no intentions of putting my life on hold while I'm trying to figure things out.

I've told him that I am going to make a change, whether or not we try to make it a go...but if we do decide to try, he MUST go to counselling with me, no point in going back to that same unhealthy pattern. I know that we're compatible, just don't know if we're on the same path or not, but lost that communication.

Please don't think I'm being weak! I'm not caving! I am so angry and last night with all this stuff going on at the hospital, I found strength I didn't know i had! I put myself first and also had him captive (hooked up to IV's makes one a bit bed ridden!) and gave him an earful and pretty much forced him to fess up to his feelings and talk to me instead of running away like he tends to do.

Anyway, I do appreciate, so very deeply, the support and camaraderie I find here. The honesty is cathartic and I am very glad we have this place to share. Thank you all!

pesky, I know I am overstepping my bounds here . . .but I'll do it anyway!

If you didn't leave anything out about how your children have reacted, I am guessing they think you should have left a long time ago. Children almost NEVER want their parents to divorce, no matter how old they are. The fact that your children are more than fine with you starting a new life means they "see" the situation very clearly. I'd give what they think a lot of weight in your decisions.

Like jill says, sometimes this kind of thing is a "favor" in a twisted sort of way. It can be the straw-that-breaks-the-camel's-back moment, so you have a solid reason to get out. Sometimes we know we should leave without knowing why so we don't do it . . .we need a good excuse, even though it's not an excuse. :)

Thanks for getting back to me on that Jill. Will definitely keep that all in mind!

Just don't forget that actions speak much louder than words.

You know everyone here will support you no matter what decision you make, so take your time and make the decision that is right for you.

22 years is a long time to be with a man and if you can forgive and the two of you can rebuild a mutually satisfying relationship and move forward - all the better. Taking the time to go to counseling and talk through your feelings will clarify for you what you want and having done the, excuse the term, due diligence on the state your relationship if you decide to move on without him, you'll have the peace in your heart that you did think it through and it wasn't a knee jerk reaction based on his indiscretion.

My only problem with having him go to counseling, is counseling doesn't change who a person is. Counseling helps people deal and get through bad things.

I'm a firm believer that people do change, but I've only seen the change take place no later than their mid-30's.

Follow your gut. Don't stay because it's the easiest thing to do. And remember, he blamed this on you. Or has he changed his tune yet? He sure didn't seem remorseful when he got caught. Plus, I wouldn't take him at his word when he said this was the first time. It could have been, but you'll never know.

I like what Gold said above.

I know you don't have child support to worry about; I was trying to keep the info in one post for the other person so as not to side track your post.

Leave the FB post (if you haven't deleted it yet) & set security to only you seeing it so that you have a record of what was said.

I agree with what Oak just said...

I echo Caroleoh, take your time and don't make any rash decisions. It's not weak and you have support here regardless. Unfortunately, it will take a lot of strength to get through it no matter what you decide to do. That's just the demon of the situation. The important thing is that you have talked to a counselor and you are doing what you need to do to protect yourself and your kids.

Good luck Pesky

I've just read through 90% of the posts here, Pesky. I am so sorry about this terrible heartache and pain you're going through. I sincerely hope that you'll continue to come here for support, as you are one of us and very well liked.

I can't do any better than the wonderful, wise, heartfelt advice you've already received here, but I do want to strongly echo the advice to quickly get your finances separated legally. You mentioned in one of your first posts that you've been the main bread-winner for several years now. My little sister "D" went through almost the exact same situation several years ago, except her children were younger than yours. D didn't sever the financial ties quickly enough and her DH ran up so many bills he almost bankrupted her. She's still paying off those bills, bless her heart. But, she ~ like you,Pesky ~ is a strong, good woman. She came out of this with her dignity intact. She's a good role model for her children, too. And you know what? She's changed these past four years. She's even stronger. She likes herself more and she likes her life MUCH more, too. About two years ago she met a wonderful, wonderful guy at her church who loves her and respects her for who she is. They have so much fun together. It's a joy to see them interact! They'll be marrying this summer.

I tell you this, Pesky, because there is a light at the end of all this and it's the new You. The happy with yourself and your life You . . . and we'll be right here cheering you along!
Lynn

Lynne, you are awesome. Your post reflected the perfect balance of emotional and practical support. You expressed how we all feel about her and what we want for her.

Pesky , please listen!

Pesky,
I just saw this thread tonight. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Everyone here has such great insight and advice. You will be in my thoughts,

Beth P.