Sounds like kid of a "green acres" situation except that you will have a large country home.Sorry to have to side w/ your husband, but your place sounds great!

Good quality windows w/ low-e u.v ray blockers will take care of the sun. There are also reflective window films on the market.

Sorry to be the gruff here, but a familiar builder who has worked for you before succesfully about to build you a nice house on a beautiful 20 acre peice of the planet, Im just not getting what the problem is! Animals,rodents, insects are just a part of life.They have a right to be here.In todays tightly built homes, i dont see a problem.It would be rare for them to get in.

"Realistically, hubby doesn't touch the yard we have now - and it's miniscule. I have the responsibility to hire someone to mow and weed here - why would that change? The property is overrun with weeds right now. He has said he will get someone to mow for the last YEAR. "

I'd think twice about it and have a serious heart to heart.

You guys are already in conflict about who should get someone to mow the lawn and that is a really, really easy thing to do . Unless you can agree on a *realistic* division of labor you are going to have a hard time of it. Plus, you could probaby buy an already built spec house for a good price in the next year.

How large is your current house? Who maintains it? Do you both work similar hours?

Let's face it, if your husband has been saying he will get someone to mow for a year, then he is never going to get someone to mow. And there's going to be other stuff he won't do that will either never get done, or get done grudgingly by you.

What we've done where we currently live is fence off a manageable area around the house for trees and yard. With the exception of an outbuilding, the rest of the property is native. That would work for you if your husband is willing to maintain that smaller area.

My stepdad,(now deceased), and mom had 5 acres in oregon. My stepdad was into reading.His hobby was reading. In his spare time, he would read. When he wasn't reading, he was sleeping. Ma got tired of splitting and hauling in the fire wood, so they gave up property life in the woods.If it were up to him they would have moved to a maintenance free condo next to a library.

So i guess maybe now i do get it and maybe having 20 acres would not work for you unless you can plan it out to keep maintenance at a minimum.

That's the thing. There is no conflict. It just never happens. The current house is 2300 sq ft. Maintenance is all mine. What I can't handle, I tell him we need the plumber/roofer/whatever and he will pay for it. He never begrudges paying for it. We only have a problem when he gets his man of the house mojo going and says "let me look at it first and if that doesn't work I'll call someone". It never happens. He gets really focused on work and doesn't even realize that 3/6/9/months have gone by with no solution to the problem. Here's how it works: we'll walk into the house in January and he'll say "looks like it's almost time to put down some pre-emergent, I'll put it on my list". Then tax season starts (he's an accountant) and the next time he looks up, it's April 16 and too late for pre emergent. After hearing this story for 4 years, I just hired someone to handle lawn maintenance.
To give him credit, he works horrendous hours - he has a tax practice and teaches and consults on tax law. My hours are roller coaster - I do marketing and promotional products and it's either reasonable or 14 hour days. We both work from home (except when he is on lecture tours, about 3 months a year)which is why we need the office wing.

The thing with the new land has been me asking him how we find someone to "brush hog" the property (It's NOT simple and I have NO idea how to find someone or who would be good - I'm a city girl) and him saying he knew "a guy". It never happens. The weeds out there are currently chest high on me and I am just horrified thinking it will be that way after we live there. He talks about getting a tractor and I feel that is a fantasy reliving his youth. He has a major back disc issue and really can't do physical labor, if he did have the time.

So realistically, I know that I will be the one responsible for lawn, maintenance, and the rest. Which worries me because when my business is busy, I don't keep up well here. And again, it's going to be a huge house for 2 people and I'm worried about the cost. When I bring it up, hubby just says we can do it, the mortgage will have to pay out longer. I'm not so sure I want a 20 year mortgage -we're in our fifties and working 'til I'm 70 doesn't sound like THAT much fun. Besides, I'll be too busy mowing!

How soon will you both retire? Will your builder (who sounds like my dream) likely still be in business then? Unless your husband is ready to commit to you, in writing, that he will take full responsibility for these major maintenance issues, then it may be better to postpone building. Given his history, it's very reasonable for you to doubt that he will hire someone to do the work in a timely manner. It also sounds as if this new house is an emotional choice for him and has not been well thought out.
You may want to consider offering him a compromise of agreeing to build a somewhat smaller house there once you've both retired and have the time needed to coordinate all of the extra work. Otherwise, it sounds as if you will indeed get stuck with all of it because it bugs you more than it bugs him, and he finds it easy to ignore.

You have my sympathy. My dh tends to blow off my concerns about costs and tells me to go ahead and do/buy whatever until he's faced with the total and then he's horrified at how expensive it is (i.e.: more than he paid in 1978.) He also minimizes his medical problems (and mine.) Our latest compromise has us back in a 2 story+basement house (despite bad knees and ankles - at least the master suite is on the main floor), but it's on a small lot (less than an acre) and is close to his work.

BTW, I'm surprised that a CPA is willing to take on a long term mortgage at 50+. We had our previous three homes paid off, but I agreed to a small mortgage on this one with the understanding that it will be paid off within 2 yrs. In your case, that's another thing that makes this sound like it's as you said - a fantasy reliving his youth.

Good luck!

We bought 20 acres in East TN last year, and in the next 6-8 weeks (providing the construction loan comes through) we'll break ground. Our plan is to do EXACTLY as "sierraeast" suggested: we're defining the "yard" area with a fence on one side and a retaining wall on the other, and that's all we're planning on mowing.

For the rest, we found that our neighbors were a fantastic resource. A local farmowner mows several lots in the area for free in exchange for the hay. That may be an option for you.

---------------- Trilby

I think you're very smart to question doing this because to me, it sounds like a mistake.

Why would you agree to live somewhere you're uncomfortable with? Whose idea was it to buy the land and what was the intention of buying it? Although 20 acres sounds great to some (we're doing the same) there are a lot of people that like the city and don't care much for the country. It sounds like you fall into the latter group and I don't know if you'll be happy in the country. It would be horrible to go through the pain and expense of building a house only to find that you're miserable living there. I don't know if there's a compromise, but this doesn't sound like a good situation at the moment. Perhaps like someone else mentioned, better for retirement when your DH has more time to spend at this house and property he wants so badly.

Trust me, there is no way you are going to spray 20 acres for ticks. Nor will you be able to keep the deer away from your plants, keep the geese from crapping on your front porch or most of the other "wild" things that happen in the country, including mice and flies and mosquitoes. It's the country, that's what it's about. Of course you can take precautions to keep things from getting into your house, but unless you plan on imprisoning yourself in your house (which you yourself are questioning) there is no way to avoid some of these things.

20 acres is a huge responsibility. Although you won't be mowing all of it, there is constantly brush to be cleared, trees to be trimmed, cut and or removed. There are always branches falling, weeds taking over, rocks cropping up where you least expect or want them, wasp nests everywhere, beehives under the stumps, you name it. We have 18 acres (not living there yet, still building) and it's constant maintenance of some sort. If your DH is too busy to take care of a tiny yard now, I hardly doubt he's going to find the time to maintain 20 acres. You're going to have a lot of work on your hands, even if that means finding the right people to maintain it for you.

I'd have a heart to heart with *myself* first if it were me and really decide if this was something I could see myself doing. If you decide you're willing to do it for your DH, I'd then have that talk with him regarding the increased responsibilities and how they're going to be handled. Once you decide if you're willing to go ahead with the build, you need to have another talk regarding design specs and what you really want/need in the new house because it sounds like you're on completely different pages. It's a house for BOTH of you, each should feel comfortable and have a say in how it's built.

Good luck...

Hmmm, so what did you contribute to this project? Everything that you said is that "he wants, he says, he'll do." He wants the land, he wants the view, he wants open spaces. Did you get anything that you wanted in this deal?

So, here's where I think that you are going to get into a bad spot...when you notice that you are doing all of the work on your house project and your husband is too busy to help AND then you realize that there is nothing about the house, the land, or the entire project that you can own or that you are completely invested in. Based on your postings, it appears as if the cold feet are warranted. It's normal to be a little nervous. Building a house is stressful and lot of money, but it should also be very exciting. Have you ever sat down and really thought about what you wanted in a home? If not, maybe you should. What aspects would your dream home have? And, then compare your wishes to what you are building? Hopefully, you will have some overlap. Then focus on those things!

Not to get all Dr. Robin on you, but have you ever been really honest with your husband about your needs and wants? If you are concerned about being on 20 acres by yourself while he is traveling 3 months a year, why did you not have that conversation before committing to build the house on 20 acres? It sounds as if all the compromise in this project was on your part...

I really do empathize with your situation. Focus on the things you love about the house, and best of luck.

I live in the country and even knowing that I really wanted to, as soon as we committed, I felt extreme panic. Even on good days, three years later, I still feel a little panic!
And you really don't have to manage all 20 acres, call it a natural wildlife habitat. Heck, if you can get a designation, you may even get a tax break.

The kitchen and pantry are mine, the screened porch is mine, the walk in closets are mine, and the spare bedroom with enough room for my quilt frame is mine. Past that, it's pretty much his.

Focusing on my dream home is what's got the cold feet started, I think. When I look through my folder of "inspirations" almost all of the pix are of cottagey, beadboard, light colors airy type rooms. Think cozy, but uncluttered. Uh oh, we're not even close.

I bought into this new house dream because we do have a problem here. Since the offices are in the home, we have lost all privacy. Technically, we ARE retired. These "2nd careers" have really grown, his more than mine. I guess that's good news, but we don't have a life. Clients are pretty constantly walking through my kitchen during tax season and call at all hours other times of the year.I have employees here for my business 2 or 3 days a week, but generally I set better limits - never before 9, never after 5, never on weekends and never any surprises. His clients can show up late for appointments, show up early and end up waiting in the LR, etc. The new house should get a handle on separating our work lives from our home. In addition, we are pretty close to a State university that is enroaching closer every year. Our pretty, quiet neighborhood is getting more renters, noisier, and less well kept every season. The good news on that side is that houses here sell really fast.
I feel like I'm being selfish to get the closets, kitchen and pantry and yet begrudge him what he wants. But, when I think of whether I would stay in that house if something happened to him, the answer is no.

Is it "normal" to get a sinking feeling every time you think about building a home? Of course not. It's normal to feel nervous about the project's enormity, the expense, the logistics. But a sinking feeling means this is not what you want. You might like parts of the house, but that is probably not enough. The fact is, you will have to put a huge amount of effort, money, commitment into a project that will end up with you living where you don't want to live, in a house and "yard" too much for you to deal with. And at an age when your health and energy are not likely to be trending upward. You will continue to resent his not following up on his commitments. He's getting his dream and you're gonna pick up the loose ends. No WONDER you have a sinking feeling.

Just for a moment, and just to yourself, think about whether or not you can back out now. And how you would do it. I think you may already be too deep into this to back out now--for whatever reasons you've agreed to it. What would happen to your relationship with DH if you called a halt to it right now? (I'm not suggesting you answer any of this here; just to yourself.)

If you can't see a way out of this, then what would it take to make it go better for you? I think you could assert your right to not have to work to age 70. If he's willing to handle it by himself, it's his dream--let him work for it. Or, let that be a real good reason to scale down the house. Just say you're not willing to work past 62 or whatever. He can run the numbers to see how to scale back the house accordingly. That will get you 2 big things you want: a smaller, more easily managed house and an earlier retirement.

While you're having that discussion also tell him that the project has to be scaled back because you're not willing to be annoyed all the time, and scared by living in the midst of undergrowth, and you will need a bigger monthly budget to hire things done. (What was his plan for while he's away for 3 months?) I don't think he's been realistic about that and you haven't confronted him about it. Does he know how much you resent picking up the pieces for him and waiting for him to get around to things? Or, focus on how he's too busy working to consistently get the maintenance done and should plan on letting YOU hire it done; so in his free time he can play country squire or whatever he dreams of.

Did you just agree to all this because you can live in a really nice house? Because other than that I don't hear you wanting any part of this. Until you come clean with him about ALL of your reservations, he will have no motivation to start planning realistically so that YOU will also be happy living his dream. (Or as happy as you are capable of, given that you basically don't want this.)

This isn't just a house; it's your entire life. Especially since you work at home. That sinking feeling you have is a warning signal. I really hope you'll tell him now, while he has some motivation to make concessions and provisions and to scale things back. If you don't tell him now, he will have zero motivation later. And all you will have is the sad consolation of being right about the fact that he would disappoint you--again.

your story sounds like our story - I am the DH who wanted to move DW out to the country. I grew up in NJ off of route 1 & 9 - hated it. always wanted to get into the woods. DW likes developments, did not want to do this project.

If we had the chnace to do it all over again - we wouldn't. this has been a royal pain in th rump. we picked a great builder too - but there is a big difference between a remodel and a custom home on land that you need to develop.

We are about a month or so from completion and have been in a rental for 1.5 years - I cannot wait to get out.

The house we are building is really nice - what we wanted. But we are over budget and patience is running thin. Now that the trim and interior work is going, it is starting to look like a home.

I am glad we did it - but this is my one and only shot. We will never do a custom home again.

My advise is this: unless both parties are 100% in agreement to build - don't do it. It is a very stressful process and it will test the relationship.

So hubby, who "works horrendous hours," doesn't have spare time to mow the yard. But he also doesn't balk when his mate hires whomever she needs to take care of home maintenance. He wants and is able to afford to build a 5,000 sf home for two on 20 country acres and this is a problem. Someone should give their head a shake.

worthy: It does sound like a lack of gratitude, except for 2 things. First, she will be required to work till she is 70 also in order to pay for his overblown dream (which he apparently can't handle on his own.

("I'm not so sure I want a 20 year mortgage -we're in our fifties and working 'til I'm 70 doesn't sound like THAT much fun.")

And secondly, when someone feels a sinking feeling when it appears they are being handed the dream of a lifetime, then it's not THEIR dream of a lifetime. Which is real clear to me throughout her post. It is his dream, maybe your dream; but not HER dream.

The trappings of the American Dream don't make everybody happy. I think the answer to her original question, of is this "sinking feeling normal" is a resounding 'NO'. Ergo, there's something amiss.

If I were you, I would want to talk seriously with my husband about stopping the planning/project before it got any further along. It sounds to me as if you don't like the property and you don't like the planned house, either. For something like building a house, I think both of you need to feel neutral or better about the big stuff.

Reading your description of your lives and businesses, I guess I also wonder about the following:

1. Is there a chance that either of your businesses/workloads would drop off if you moved out to the country? Right now, you sound fairly centrally-located. Would your clients be willing to go out to where your new location is going to be? If your business drops off, will you still need as much house? Would you be able to afford it?

2. Is the new house really practical, considering where you are in your lives and where you're likely to be as you get older? My mother is in her mid-sixties, and she very deliberately chose a smaller house when she was in her mid-fifties because it would be easier to clean and maintain it. She's now talking about "someday" going even smaller.

3. When you picture living on that property-- even if it were the ideal-for-you house-- do you think you would feel okay about it? I have a friend whose parents are in a situation that's similar to yours in that her father really wants to build and move into a country house in a few years and her mother really doesn't want to. Her mother is someone who thrives on the friendships she has in her small town, while her father is more take-it-or-leave-it about socializing. The location her father wants to move to is pretty much in the middle of nowhere. My friend thinks that her mother will be so miserable if they follow through that it would almost be better if her parents got divorced. Have you given your husband a chance to really understand how you feel? Surely he would be willing to work on a better compromise if he knew?

Inhardin: So was any of this helpful to you?

pinktoes

I missed the "working till 70" part. In that case, she's got to speak up. (But it's so much easier to give than receive advice.)

lnhardin,

I won't weigh in on what you should do. Sounds like you've already received pretty good advice here on that.

But on a more practical level, sounds like you might be living fairly close to us, so if you need advice from someone else who just moved from an 11-foot-wide townhouse on Capitol Hill in Washington DC a year and a half ago to 30 acres just outside of Norman, OK (like the names of some folks with a brush-hog), just give a holler.

-- Micah

lnhardin: It's been about 3 weeks since we heard from you. How are you doing with your build?