Having spent some time with you, Alexa, I'm surprised by your post. You are very good at talking with people you've just met, or only met once before! I tend to hang back a bit in unfamiliar social settings, but in your company I felt comfortable right away.
Small talk kind of presupposes that everybody is trying to find common ground. It's okay to shift the topic.
Important things were on your mind, and the inanity of the conversation was especially hard to bear.
If they're people you want to keep on spending time with, maybe you can look on it as a chance to divert yourself from serious stuff. We all need a little diversion these days. Come armed with your own fluff to talk about!

Small talk is a social skill. My father is brilliant at it. If you realize it is done really to put the person you are speaking to at ease, then your expectations will change. For example; my dad is not a sports kind of guy. He knows enough to make general chit chat if necessary ("how about those yankees" kind of comment). However, when he sees my Fil, who only knows sports,(and shows like judge judy), my dad will relive ad nauseum the year he had to be gm for a Buffalo pro basketball team. My dad hated that year, but will never say that to my fil. Instead they will talk about players and stats for an hour. It is the very last thing my Dad would want to talk about. But he does it because it makes my fil happy and comfortable. My fil would be completely ill at ease talking about theater or the economy, two things that make my dad tick.
Alexa, I am more like you. I have a hard time listening to inane conversation. But if I try to keep in mind that the goal is to make someone else comfortable in the conversation, then I can do it.
Hope this makes sense.
Jo

I only have a second, but my Mom was brilliant at small talk. She would always ask people about themselves. Where are you from? Do you have kids? Grandkids? She'd notice things or bits of conversation that would inspire other questions. Some people would think she's being nosey, but most people love to talk about themselves. She was comfortable enough with asking people questions, and listening to the answers, which would usually spur further conversation and questions, that an interesting conversation would usually emerge. Most people were quite comfortable with her, even with her questions, because she listened and could respond intelligently to what they had to say about themselves, their interests, their lives.

Sally

A few things struck me here... You mentioned that you had a hard time forcing yourself to follow the mindless chat -- that suggests to me that you *do* know how to make small talk (smiling, nodding, acting engaged, asking questions and throwing in the occasional anecdote), but just weren't able to *motivate* yourself to do it with this particular group of people. I guess I'd ask myself -- how invested am I in these people liking me / in being part of this group. Are there potentially negative consequences of my being perceived as a snob by these people. If the answer was not very / no to those questions, it seems to me that the better thing to do is to just not socialize with them, and spend your time socializing with people whose interests are more aligned with yours. It sounds like you are interested in politics, and while this is often a touchy subject for small talk, there are certainly groups of politically engaged people who talk about politics constantly and would be happy to have you join them...

Meanwhile, I love Jo's suggestion of thinking of small talk as an exercise in making other people comfortable (admittedly sometimes at ones own bored expense!)... I think I'll try to think of it that way next time I'm in that situation...

Emily

"small talk" is about having conversation without confrontation.
There is lots of "small talk" that would be non confrontational but still interesting to you.....and I am sure you could engage other's in this kind of chit chat....like about cooking and raising kids etc.
I would suggest it's not "small talk" that bores you silly, but the group of people you werew ith. I would avoid them....they bore you....you have little in common. find a group which is interested in the stuff that interests you.
Linda C

I concur, these are not people with whom you feel an innate kinship. If you must interact, I think it's helpful to think of these occasions as mental vacations in a third world country. ;) Put your goal-oriented brain on hold and just roll with the mindlessness. Have another glass of something and ask them about their children or remodeling project...

I don't have or watch television so I can relate to being out of the pop cultural loop in that regard.

I agree. Small-talk is not supposed to be mind challenging. Just the opposite. It's an opportunity to take a brain rest & relax discussing lighter less consequential topics. Similar to...I'm just starting to re-read War & Peace but, sometimes, I enjoy reading the lastest trashy novel.

I also don't watch the fashionable TV shows. All I watch is CNBC, weather, football, & an occassional FoodTV show. I don't watch the latest movies nor read the Times Best Seller list. But, just through the osmosis of life I learn enough to be conversational when necessary. I also take MSNBC's News Quiz every week & that helps keep me current on topics I'd otherwise ignore.

Small-talk is a skill. Like any skill, it takes practice. It also takes desire to learn. If this group just isn't your cup of tea...again, I agree with the others...avoidance is your best policy.

/tricia

I agree with CC, I am would think you would be good at small talk, although I can see where these topics might not be too interesting. Actually, it's not very thoughtful of others to bring up topics that aren't pertinent to everyone in the group. Maybe you don't have kids playing t-ball, maybe you don't watch dumb tv shows, etc. If you were new to the group, they weren't ebing very inclusive.

As a fund raiser, I do small talk for a living. I have to chat with people at events and lunches and when I meet them at various places. Once you get the ball rolling, people are good about opening up. Honestly, I am kind of chatty and some people have the knack while others don't. Knowing you, Alexa, I know you do.

I always think of "small talk" as those topics of conversation that come up with people you don't know at all, or very well. Like the weather, or where you're from, etc.

When you know someone and enjoy their company, it's no longer small talk, then it's topics that interest the both of you, like a particular sports team, or current events.

On the other hand, when getting together with acquaintances who want to discuss things you have no interest in, it's sort of up to you to at least attempt to turn the conversation around to things you ARE interested in. If that works, then you're out of the mindless chatter trap. If it doesn't, well then at least you tried, and the conclusion is that you have little in common with these folks so keep that in mind for future get togethers.

Me? I'd swig another sip of my cosmo, smile and nod, then escape as politely and as quickly as possible so I could get home, curl up on the couch and watch a good movie.

Hop on the CF and make some sort of comment Jessy can find a double meaning to. Tell us about the PB&J you had for lunch and see if we don't hang on every word.

Really helps to be with real friends.... even is Ashley thinks we are imaginary.

: )
lyra

I heard that, Lyra.

And we won't go into what 'P' stands for in PB&J.

Dang she's good.............

Ya gotta go with what your talents are, huh Jessy????

anon

I talk to people for a living, and I think that the real secret is to be a good listener, and when there's a "story point" in the conversation--say like about the Obama's dog, seize the moment, and gently ask the other person a question that transforms the conversation from trivial to "real".

Like why does she think so many people feel so strongly about what type of dog they get? Does she think this is a good thing in American culture or does it seem trivial? Why?

Some people are bores, but then I just take a little vacation in my head. But I have to say that those are rare. I think most people are pretty interesting, but sometimes I have to work a little to find a subject that really does light them up.

I'm not saying you should grill your conversational partner like a detective in a bad movie. I know that when I start asking real questions, I can usually get a real response.

Thanks everyone! You have all given me great advice but the one I will carry with me forever and always is:

"But if I try to keep in mind that the goal is to make someone else comfortable in the conversation, then I can do it."

that truly is a pearl of wisdom that I can internalize and when I fell my eyes glazing over, this will be a great way to bring me back into focus. I will also use some of the tricks of the trade that others have mentioned... getting them ot talk about themselves has GOT to be more interesting than listening to a recap of the latest mind rot on TV.

And Jessy.... what DOES the P stand for????? (innocent sweet smile)

Alexa

Oh and Dedtired and CC - you were both very easy to talk with - we have the CF in common and CC we had a great time talking about gardening too! And besides, I feel like you both were old friends before we even met IRL!

And just to clarify.... the group the other night was a business card exchange where I was sitting with the spouses, not the business folks so we really don't have a lot in common but are all invested through our SO's. Made it a little challenging..... but now that I am armed with my new skills, I can meet the next one head on! (Head On - apply directly to the forehead. Head On.....)

Thanks again all of you and sorry for the digression LOL!

A

Small talk is just that...small little tidbits not meant to stimulate.
I think its easy to drum up small talk if you can find some common bond but keep in mind who you are conversating with.
Think of it like cooking....I would never cook an elaborate supper for some family members-they just wouldn't appreciate the effort, So employ that same philosophy to topics of small talk. Pick a general topic until you find that common bond. Save the deep, thought provoking topics for those you know really well.

I find a good conversation starter is talking about pets...yup pets!
Just about everyone has or had one...you can go on from there.
Travel/vacations/hometown ect...all good ways to keep the chatter rolling along.

Cheers!
Susie

...what does the "J" stand for?

OMG Gina!!!!!

What DOES the "J" stand for?!?!?!?!?!?!

I was thinking what LindaC said! Get new friends, these people are boring you!!! hahahah!!

I'm enjoying reading everyones responses! Good thread!

I can really relate to your comment - when I was younger, some people thought I was a snob because I wouldn't join in conversations. But it was only because I was shy, not because I didn't want to join in.

I also ask lots of question if I have trouble finding common ground, because most people love to talk about themselves. Like Susie, I often bring up pets, which is almost guaranteed to open people up.

A big part of it is attitude - even if the people you're with are not your cup of tea, try to give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe the person talking about the Bachelor is in bad place in life and that show is her form of escape. I know it sounds dramatic, but you just never know. It sounds from your post like you put a bit of a barrier between you and the others based on their topics of conversation, so trying to meet them halfway might get you through the night without losing your mind ;) One the other hand, I also agree that groups should try to bring everyone into a conversation. To me, that's just being polite.

Honestly, we have news/financial channels on all day and my life revolves around school. The last thing I want to talk about when I'm out is the economy, etc. But, I also don't watch TV much and haven't seen a movie in months, so can't relate to those topics either. Except that I'm in the middle of the John Adams series on DVD - awesome!!

Sue