More than a month has passed since I updated this thread so here goes.... I had mentioned that I planned to write that letter to the other mother, but at this point I still have not done it. First, I want to make absolute certain that DD is still having contact with her, but have not been able to substantiate it as of yet. Of course I -know- their friendship remains intact, just no proof. It's not as often as it had... no where nearing being as often since she now has returned to seeing her other friends. DD attends a community college, going to the Gateway to College Program. This is a satellite campus with stores surrounding it. Her hours are 8AM to noon, and I take her and pick her up. One day last week she called and told me she had a ride home with another student. I told her fine, but still went to the campus anyway. After waiting awhile, I finally called her cellphone and she said she was on her way home... class had gotten out early. So, the next day I got the same call.. she was riding home with another student so I made sure I got there early. Saw DDas she was coming out the door and she stated that she was waiting for the other student to finish up. I pulled off, circled around and came back. Just 8 parking spaces from the campus door sat the other mother. This is what I had been expecting. So, I got out of my car, asked her where DD was, she asked me how the "f" was she suppposed to know. Well, I was livid and got in my car and pulled off, my phone ringing. Of course it was DD, mad because she saw me go to the other mother's car. And I can not prove that the other mother was there to pick up DD. Anyway, DD ended up riding home with me. Hasn't called to tell me she was riding with another student. If I get one of those calls, I'll be checking up. It's not time to back down yet. Other than that, things are going fair. She comes home on time, goes to school daily, makes all her counseling sessions. But, I never know where she is when she's gone during the day. I have not been successful in getting her to check in with me. This is something she will answer to her PO for.

Dear lovehadley, I've never posted to this board before but I felt compelled to send a message to you. I'm an experienced stepmom of three. My stepkids have two different mothers. One BM is reasonable and helpful. The other is unstable and narcissistic. We have had to work very hard to keep this brood together - and I've learned a lot. I can tell you from experience that unless you set some boundaries and take control of your life, you are in for rocky ride that will definitely include an unwanted divorce. You are correct that most courts now favour 50/50. It's fashionable and it doesn't require anyone to make a real decision. However, it doesn't work for all children or all families. It won't work in your case. The BM is set on making trouble and the child is out of control. The current situation is bad. Moving to 50/50 would be better, but you'd still have an obsessive BM harassing you and a child in your house that you can't manage. Just imagine this child in 5 years, when he's almost as big as you are. Furthermore, your quality of life is just not good enough. You are very young, obviously articulate and you clearly have a compassionate nature. Yet your day to day life is all about your stepson and this crisis. You are going to wake up very soon and find that you're 40 years old and have wasted your young years fighting a battle that you can't win. You need to take control of your situation. It's not working and your fiance's proposed solutions aren't going to make life any better for you. He can fight for sole custody of this child, but he most likely will lose. Even if by some miracle he wins, the child will be opposed to it and he'll be unmanageable. Furthermore, the BM will get very liberal access which will be just the ticket she needs to harass you every minute of your life. It won't be much of a victory and it won't last long. I can pretty much guarantee that this child will end up living fulltime with the BM. Either he will demand it, or you will demand it, or you will leave and your fiance will have no choice but to relinquish custody. How you get to this place is up to you. You can continue to live in this nightmare until you walk out, or you and your fiance can figure out a reasonable schedule whereby this child can live with his mother, and spend ENJOYABLE, nonthreatening visits with you. Believe me, once the BM has this kid on her hands fulltime, she'll be VERY EXCITED about these access visits and she'll make sure that the child is as good as gold every minute. And, best of all, once she's dependant on you for the occasional break, her behaviour will improve dramatically. It's too bad that this child has a lousy mother and behavioural problems. But you can't solve this problem and ruining your life won't make it any better. All you can do is set boundaries for you own life, and then enforce them. It's tough, I know. But, trust me, it works and you will be much happier. The child will be happier too. It's bad to have an unstable mother. But it's much worse to be caught in the middle of a war and be swatted back and forth between two different worlds twice a week. Let your fiance read this email. Good luck.

I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon for a consultation with my attorney. I know they are not lying about DS behavior when he is at their house because they let him do whatever he wants and ex treats him more like a buddy than a son. What is there for DS to ever complain about but me wanting him to come home and do his homework when he doesn't want to??? When ex used to actually get on him about grades and doing his homework, DS never wanted to go over there but still maintained his minimum visitation because I would not let him stay away just because ex got onto him about something he should be doing. I ended up getting weeknights so ex would not have to mess with it and ex went back to being the disney parent. I know that a time frame must be set or this will not work and I will talk to my attorney about that tomorrow. But I also know that I will give in to the guilt if I live down the road and know that DS is unhappy. I think that ex will have to once again step it up but he will actually have to be home to do that and even though they have recently reconciled my ex still does exactly what he pleases. DS does run a lot to his buddies when he is there and he has been asking for a lot of extra nights there and that is part of the issue because it has gotten so bad that I almost have to fight him to come home. Ex and SM do not tell DS that he needs to go home when it is my time but like the thought that DS wants to be there all of the time. Somehow this has become a competition and I am not sure why. I tried sharing equal time with them three years ago when we moved to the same town but it wasn't long before ex admitted that I would be the better one to regain control of school issue before it got any further out of control. And, of course, I am always the one that picks up the pieces when it comes to DS so I did what I had to do to get DS back on track with school while ex became the fun one. I have not gotten much info lately about what DS is doing while ex is at work because DS thinks that I am asking because I am trying to turn DS against SM-per SM- and that I will not like what SM is allowing DS to do and put a stop to the visitation. Usually BF finds out and he tells me what is going on because DS knows I will flip out. I cannot confront DS because he sees that as a betrayal on part of BF so I see no other options but forcing parenting on ex. My biggest fear is that ex will not step up to the plate and DS will get worse. I guess then I will have to get nasty but I hate to see that for DS. Legally, I could force the issue but I do not want to have to get nasty and fight about this. At 14, DS thinks he knows what is best and he is enjoying the freedom that he has at ex's.

Yes she has to call stepmom Mom. She does it so she won't get into trouble. She doesn't like it because it's awkward to her. Dad and I divorced when she was 4. Dad met stepmom during seperation. Dd met stepmom right after divorce. Dd called stepmom by her first name for the next 4 years but then all of a sudden, she has to start calling her Mom just in the past 8 months. It's so weird. Oh Dd asked me a weird question today. I had a lightbulb go off in my head and I wanted to tell y'all. She just out of the blue said, I think it's so weird that my dad has to pay you money but you have a car and he doesn't. I just paused for a minute not sure how to answer because I have never told Dd about child support. So I asked her to explain her concern further because I wasn't understanding her point. She said you and Stepdad work, Dad works but he makes more money than both of you and you still have a nicer car than he does, he doesn't even have his own car.. So many thoughts went through my head and later, my Dh and I brought it up to each other and we laughed that both of us had the same thoughts... 'well if stepmom would get a job then maybe your daddy could buy himself a new car! AND SM drives a car that cost what mine and DHs cars combined cost... But alas that wasn't my response. I just told her yes Dad pays what is called child support and it's court ordered. You live more time with me and so the state says that both parents have to equally provide for their kids and that means he gives us money to help pay for your clothes, shoes, toothpaste, roofing, heat, water, etc. AND daddy doesn't have a car of his own because he has a vehicle that is provided for him by his boss and so he doesn't need one of his own, right? She said OH that would be so silly for him to have two cars. Every morning he would have to flip a coin to see which one to drive! Why does this jerk think he has to share every detail with our daughter?? She does not need to know the ins and outs of family court... I do wish there was a way to prove all of this and put his butt back on supervised visits where he belongs!