Thanks Pooh I'll try and find some more!!

With age comes wisdom.

A guy is 86 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,

"Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up.

Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride."

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

My son would say the same thing.
At his age, he would rather have a talking frog.

Pooh Bear

A father put his 3-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers -- which she ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa." The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence, but a few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which ended like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side! He made sure he listened to her prayers every night.

Sure enough, several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch, and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it -- I've just spent the worst day of my life."

"You think you had a bad day?" she replied. "You'll never believe what happened to me: This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

Excuse me, Sergeant Major but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?

Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.

Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way but when is the last time you had sex ?

1957, ma'am.

Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean no sex since 1957! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to relax him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1957!

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, I hope not, it's only 2130 now.

(Don't ya love military time?!)

MY FIRST TIME....

It was my first time ever

And I'll never forget

I'd do it again

Without a single regret.

The sky was dark

The moon was high

We were all alone

Just she and I.

Her hair was soft

Her eyes were blue

I knew just what

She wanted to do.

Her skin so soft

Her legs so fine

I ran my fingers

Down her spine.

I didn't know how

But I tried my best

I started by placing

My hands on her breast.

I remember my fear

My fast beating heart

But slowly she spread

Her legs apart.

And when I did it

I felt no shame

All at once

The white stuff came

At last it's finished

It's all over now

My first time ever

At milking a cow...

Every Sunday Father Donovan, tried to make the Bible accessible to his congregation through his sermons.
On this particular Sunday, Father Donovan proclaimed, "If you ever feel adrift in the sea of life, just turn to the Bible for guidance. All life's experiences are immortalized in the good book, and it will help you find your way to shore."
After church Mrs. Francis approached the preacher and said, "Father Donovan, I don't think every life experience is in the Bible. Nowhere in the Bible have I ever read about PMS."
Father Donovan had never heard such a comment, so that night he sifted through the Bible to see if Mrs. Francis was right.
Next Sunday Father Donovan pulled Mrs. Francis aside after church and said, "I wasn't wrong last Sunday when I said that every life experience is mentioned in the Bible."
"Okay, Father. Where does it say anything about PMS?"
Father Donovan opened up his Bible and showed her a passage that read: "And Mary rode Joseph's a$$ all the way to Bethlehem."

We all know this language tooooo well!

Fine - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
Five Minutes - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
Nothing - This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine".
Go Ahead - (With Raised Eyebrows!) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".
Go Ahead - (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
- This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
- Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
That's Okay - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow".
Please Do - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".
Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "You're welcome".
Thanks A Lot - This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing".

The Ant and the Grasshopper

TRADITIONAL VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

MODERN VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green." Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.
Nancy Pelosi, John Kerry & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share. Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer! The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients. The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2008!

>> A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab and notices
>> that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
>> She asks him why he is staring
>>
>> He replies: 'I have a question to ask but I don't want to
>> offend you.'
>>
>> She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When
>> you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as
>> I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about
>> everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say
>> or ask that I would find offensive.'
>>
>> He replies 'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a
>> Nun kiss me.'
>>
>> She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
>>
>> #1, you have to be single and
>> #2, you must be Catholic.'
>>
>> The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and
>> Catholic!'
>>
>> 'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
>>
>> The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make
>> a hooker blush.
>>
>> But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
>>
>> 'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
>>
>> 'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm
>> married and I'm Jewish.'
>>
>> The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm
>> going to a Halloween party.'

__________________________________________________

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so he did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem with that strategy: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything -- it was, after all, the Captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning all who were on board -- except the magician, who found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea. As fate would have it, the parrot also survived and, when the sun came up, he spotted the one safe harbor on the open ocean -- the same piece of wood. He landed and shared the space with the magician. They stared at each other with hatred, but neither one uttered a word.

This went on for a day, and then two days, and then three days. Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back any longer. "OK, I give up," the parrot said to the magician. "Great new trick. Now: where the hell is the ship?"

Top Ten Signs You Are Too Old For Halloween

You get winded from knocking on the door.

You have to have someone chew the candy for you.

You ask for high fiber candy only.

When someone drops a candy bar in your bag,
you lose your balance and fall over.

People say, "Great Keith Richard mask!"
and you're not wearing a mask.

When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..."
and you can't remember the rest.

By the end of the night you have a bag full of
restraining orders.

You have to carefully choose a costume that won't
dislodge your hair piece.

You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood
with a walker.

You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

thanks Pooh that was a good one.Glad to see you post!!

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a
couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this
money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said.
'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'
'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS !' replied the homeless woman. ' I
haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'
'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money.
Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my
husband and me tonight.'
The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband
be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty,
and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'
I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman
looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

Frog Population

A noted biologist, who had been studying little green frogs in a swamp, was stumped. The frog population, despite efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate.

A chemist at a nearby college came up with a solution: The frogs, due to a chemical change in the swamp water, simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce successfully. The chemist then brewed up a new adhesive to assist the frogs' togetherness, which included one part sodium.

It seems the little green frogs needed some monosodium glue to mate.

Are puns allowed?

Are puns allowed?

Absolutely. Anything funny.

I was trying to be funny pooh. I loved minnie's joke. The only thing wrong with a pun (usually) is that you didn't think of it first.

It was already late fall and the Indians on a remote
reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if
the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society he had
never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the
sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his
tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that
the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days
he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the
National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,"
the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them
to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather
Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a
very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again
replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The chief again went back to his people and
ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the chief called the National
Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the
winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more
and more like it is going to be one of the coldest
winters we've ever seen."
"How can you be so sure?" the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are
collecting firewood like crazy."

Always remember this whenever you get advice from
a government official!!!!!!!

Happy Hour In North Carolina:

A hunter is driving down a back road in North Carolina .
A sign in front of a restaurant reads:

Happy Hour Special...

Lobster Tail and Beer

"Lord a'mighty," he says to himself, "my three favorite things!!"

Feeling better already I see Pooh!!!lol

There was a Canadian, A Texan and osama bin laden all working
in a field one day when they came across a lantern.
The Texan picked up the lantern and out popped a Genie.
The Genie said I'll give you three wishes. one for each of you.
The Canadian said I am a farmer and my son will be a farmer.
I would like the land in Canada to always be fertile.
POOF in an instance the land was forever fertile.
Osama seeing that, he said I would like a wall around
palestine, Afghanistan, Iran and Iraq that will be inpenitrable
to the Canadians, Americans and all the rest of the infidals.
POOF! The Genie says it is done.
The Texan asks the Genie to tell him about this wall.
The Genie states it is five thousand feet tall and five
hundred feet thick and inpenitrable to all.
The Texan pops open a beer and says, "fill it with water."

That's amore!
When the moon hits your eye,
Like a big pizza pie,
That's amore.

When an eel bites your hand,
And that's not what you planned,
That's a moray.

When our habits are strange,
And our customs deranged,
That's our mores.

When your horse munches straw,
And the bales total four,
That's some more hay.

When Othello's poor wife,
Becomes stabbed with a knife,
That's a Moor, eh?

When a Japanese knight,
Wields his sword in a fight,
That's Samurai.

When your sheep go to graze,
In a damp marshy place,
That's a moor, eh?

When your boat comes home fine,
And you tie up her line,
That's a moor, eh?

When you ace your last tests,
Like you did all the rest,
That's some more "A"s!

When on Mt. Cook you see,
An aborigine,
That's a Maori.

Alley Oop's homeland has,
A space gun with pizzazz,
That's a Moo ray...

A comedian ham,
With the name Amsterdam,
That's a Morey.

When your chocolate graham,
Is so full and so crammed,
That s'more, eh.

When you've had quite enough,
Of this dumb rhyming stuff,
That's "No more!", eh?

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly..........
"No, I'm your son's Sunday school teacher."

Happy Thanksgiving!
When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Tom took me out on the stoop,
Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something that I just had to know.
His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors of, well...... Black November!
Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day you'll get six meals instead of your three.
And soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin,
and you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin;
And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed,
In comes the farmer's wife, to hack off your head;
Then she'll pluck out all your feathers until you're bald 'n pink,
And scoop out your insides and leave you in the sink;
And then comes the worst part he said not bluffing,
She'll spread your hind quarters and pack your bottom with stuffing!
Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,
And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,
I'd have to lay low to remain overlooked.
I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola;
And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes.
I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;
But it was I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death.
And sure enough when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the Turkey compound;
So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap;
I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap.
She held me today, while sewing and humming,
And smiled at me and said "Christmas is coming"

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a
Stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and
knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

TWAS THE NIGHT OF THANKSGIVING,
BUT I JUST COULDN'T SLEEP
I TRIED COUNTING BACKWARDS,
I TRIED COUNTING SHEEP.

THE LEFTOVERS BECKONED -
THE DARK MEAT AND WHITE
BUT I FOUGHT THE TEMPTATION
WITH ALL OF MY MIGHT
TOSSING AND TURNING WITH ANTICIPATION
THE THOUGHT OF A SNACK BECAME INFATUATION.
SO, I RACED TO THE KITCHEN, FLUNG OPEN THE DOOR
AND GAZED AT THE FRIDGE, FULL OF GOODIES GALORE.
GOBBLED UP TURKEY AND BUTTERED POTATOES,
PICKLES AND CARROTS, BEANS AND TOMATOES.

I FELT MYSELF SWELLING SO PLUMP AND SO ROUND,
Til ALL OF A SUDDEN, I ROSE OFF THE GROUND.
I CRASHED THROUGH THE CEILING, FLOATING INTO THE SKY
WITH A MOUTHFUL OF PUDDING AND A HANDFUL OF PIE.

BUT, I MANAGED TO YELL AS I SOARED PAST THE TREES....
HAPPY EATING TO ALL - PASS THE CRANBERRIES, PLEASE.

MAY YOUR STUFFING BE TASTY,
MAY YOUR TURKEY BE PLUMP.
MAY YOUR POTATOES 'N GRAVY
HAVE NARY A LUMP,

MAY YOUR YAMS BE DELICIOUS
MAY YOUR PIES TAKE THE PRIZE,
MAY YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER
STAY OFF OF YOUR THIGHS.

MAY YOUR THANKSGIVING BE BLESSED!

Author unknown

DOGS RULES FOR CHRISTMAS

1. Be very patient with your humans during this time. They will be more stressed-out than usual, but oddly, may not want to spend time in long comforting cuddles

2. Instead, they will spend long hours writing Christmas cards. Let them do this, but insist that you accompany them to the post box to post them.

3. They will come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume all the gifts are yours.

4. Be tolerant if your people put decorations on you. Even fake antlers won't kill you  except perhaps through embarrassment.

5. At some point they will bring a large tree into the house and cover it with lights and decorations. This is their tree and they are very protective of it. DO NOT PEE ON THIS TREE! Don't drink the water in the container that holds the tree. Don't even wag your tail near it.

6. Soon after this your humans will start wrapping presents. However fascinating this is, do not stand on the wrapping paper while they are doing it. Especially do not walk off with the presents.

7. Next, the wrapped packages will start appearing under the tree. Leave these alone  even if they have your name on them.

8. Your humans may invite lots of strangers to come and visit during this season. These parties can be great fun, but remember that not everyone will want to share the couch with you.

9. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important  don't pee on your hosts Christmas tree.

10. Above all, remember this: on Christmas Eve a big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh will emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DO NOT BITE HIM

Yankee down South!!

Yankee from Michigan was hiking through the mountains of northern Georgia when he came upon the tiniest cabin he had ever seen in his life.

Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door.

"Anybody home?" he asked.

"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the tourist.

"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma come in," said the kid.

"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the tourist.

"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.

"But," protested the Yankee, "are you never together as a family?"

"Sure, but not here," said the kid thru the door. "This is the outhouse."

Roy Rogers was camping on the range one night. He woke in time to see a mountain lion chewing on his brand new boots. Roy pulled his trusty six shooter and killed the lion. Slung it across his saddle and rode back to the ranch. Dale Evans met him in front of the ranch house with her guitar. She was strumming and singing

"Pardon me Roy,
Is that the cat thatchewed ya newshoes"

Two antennas meet on a roof top. They start talking. One thing leads to another, and they fall in love and get married.

Now I hear the wedding wasn't all that that great, but the reception was outstanding!

Did you hear about the most confused dog in the world? His owner named him "Stay."

The dog kept hearing "Come here, Stay."

A patient visited her doctor. "Doctor, it's been one month since my last visit, and I still feel miserable"
"Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?
"Absolutely. The bottle specifically said "Keep tightly closed"

A Groaner!!

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down,
but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
toward the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'I'm sure that must have embarrassed y ou so let me pay for your dinner to
make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest
dreams and he listens, he shares his and she listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her
place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings The
guy is amazed and totally impressed. Everything had been SO incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman Are you this nice to every
guy you meet? '

'No,' she replies. . . . .

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

NEVER ASK A SOUTHERN GRANDMOTHER

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached
her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes,I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you
manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think
you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will
amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He
can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is
one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his
wife with three different women. One o f them was your wife. Yes, I know
him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very
quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me,
I'll send you to the electric chair."

Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips

Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
in hopes that my thights would forget they were there

While mama in her girdle I in my straps
had just settled down to sugar-borne naps

When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash
tore open the icebox then threw up the sash

The marshmellow look of the new-fallen snow
sent thoughts of a binge to my body below

When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
a marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!

That chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick

The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear

On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
a weight watcher dropout from sugar detox

From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
now dash away pounds now dash away all.

Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
my clothes were all bulging from too much excess

My droll little mouth and my round little belly
they shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly

I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk

And laying a finger beside my heart burn
I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned

I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry
if temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by

And I mumbled again as I turned for the night
in the morning I'll starve.... 'til I take my first bite!

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new
negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.

You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Your Ex-wife

Dear Ex-wife:
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.

I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing
that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.
So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I
quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said, with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born
Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed,
Rich and Free

He didn't like the casserole

And he didn't like my cake.

He said my biscuits were too hard...

Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right

He didn't like the stew,

I didn't mend his socks

The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer

I was looking for a clue.

Then I turned around and smacked the crap out of him...

Like his MOMMA used to do.

A cowboy hauling his horse in a trailer to a rodeo gets pulled over by a Texas Highway Patrol Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were persistently
buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' a problem with them circle flies?"

The trooper stopped writin the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment later he stops and asks, "Are you callin' me a horse's a$$?"

"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for law enforcement to call y'all a horse's a$$."

"That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best drawl says,"Hard to fool them flies though".

Two deer hunters were standing on a ridge near a highway in rural

eastern Iowa on the opening day of deer season.

They both saw a trophy-class buck meandering towards them. As the

one hunter raised his gun to shoot,

a funeral procession came slowly by.

The hunter lowered his gun, took off his hat, and stood with his head

bowed until the procession was past.

Of course by then, the deer was long gone.

The other hunter exclaimed 'Wow! That was the most sportsman-like act

I've ever seen!

You allowed this trophy buck to escape while showing such compassion

and kindness toward someone's dearly departed.

'You' are a great humanitarian and a shining example to sportsmen

throughout the world!'

The first hunter nodded and said; 'Well, we were married for 45 years.'

Please, Santa!

The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady about twenty-years-old walked up and sat on his lap.

Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, "What do you want for Christmas?"

"Something for my mother, please," said the young lady.

"Something for your mother? Well, that's very thoughtful of you,'' smiled Santa. "What do you want me to bring her?"

Without blinking, she replied, "A son-in-law!"

Did You See Santa?
A mother asked her three-year-old son if he saw Santa Claus on Christmas Eve.
"No, it was too dark," he said. "But I heard what he yelled when he stubbed his toe on the living room couch!"

Home for the Holidays

A man went for breakfast at his regular restaurant and ordered the Eggs Benedict. The order was served on a bright, shiny upside down hubcap.

When he asked about the unusual presentation, the waiter replied, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."

A young woman sat in her stalled car, waiting for help. Finally, two men walked up to her.

"I'm out of gas," she purred. "Could you push me to the gas station?"

The men readily put their muscles to the car and rolled it several blocks. After awhile, one looked up, exhausted, to see that they had just passed a gas station.

"We just passed a station! How come you didn't turn in?" he yelled.

"Oh, I never go there," the girl shouted back. "They don't have full service."

A prosecuting attorney just could not believe that a jury had found the defendant not guilty.

Astonished, he asked the jury foreman, "How could you possibly have found this man innocent?"

The foreman replied, "Insanity."

The perplexed prosecutor asked, "All twelve of you?"