I completely agree with dawn's advice. I am proud to say that for my first year garden was and continues to be an overwhelming success due to gardenweb (dawn, george, any many others). I know everyone has pretty much solved all your garden problems. I completely understand where you are coming from on the personal level. I work 10 hr days at a dog kennel. I handle 60+ dogs of all sizes on a daily basis. I come home to 4 dogs and a hubby who is legally blind and deaf. I drive him everywhere too. he is a college student at ou. (he also does volunteer work for obi) he has a busy schedule which becomes my schedule. I cook, clean, mow the front and backyard, take care of my dogs and my garden! I am in no way complaining. I love my life. I love my job and I love coming home. I started gardening as a hobby when we bought our house a year ago. now it is my new love! I enjoy working out in the garden alone to clear my head after 10 hrs of barking dogs! I also enjoy spending time with the dogs and hubby. we talk about our day and just talk... I don't look at gardening as a burden. I see it as a retreat with lots of rewards. I also set 1 day a week devoted to yard work and gardening. when I moved into the neighborhood a year ago the neighbors said my house was the most hated house on the street because nobody cared about the yard. just last weekend we were taking out 2 mulberry trees that have been hanging over the fence rubbing on both of our roofs. he came out to warn us of the 3 hornets that he saw. he was so happy to get rid of the burden. I made the comment that we were just trying to keep up with the jonses. he said " are you kidding, you are the jones!" I think that was the moment I exhaled and saw that all of my hard work has not gone unnoticed. It felt great! I hope we have lifted your spirits and helped you see that gardening does not have to be a burden. we see it as a blessing in so many ways. I guess its just how you see it. good luck kristy

First of all, thanks for your comments, I appreciate the outside viewpoint! Carla35- She brings home a stack of work every evening and weekend, and even if she doesn't do it, it serves to block any spontaneous activity or plan that I might propose. But if a friend, relative, or co-worker calls she will spend hours on the phone with them, and if they are in a crisis (real or imagined) she will spend tons of time with them, explaning they "need her support". Yes, I'm groused about it, and yes, we've talked about it, and it always ends with "after this crisis is over, we will have lots of time together". And maybe there will be a couple of quiet weeks between crisis, but usually not, because the work and friend/relative/coworker crisis are usually overlapping. Her friends are mostly of low moral character, or just hangers-on who use her time and money, and most of her relatives have "behavioral problems", so I don't want to spend time with them. And frankly, I've grown tired of trying to fit our married life into the tiny free spaces in her schedule. I get tired of following her around like a lost puppy in order to actually hold a conversation. popi and scarlett2001- You could be right that DW is bored with me, I'm not Mr. Excitement, but I am Mr. Dependable. I do about 90% of the housework, take care of the pets, take care of most of the financial matters, make sure her stuff is in her briefcase as she screams out the door in the morning, and support her 100% in these endless crisis she's involved in. And I have a full time high-level job of my own to go to everyday. It's kind of funny and kind of sad, it seems like I'm simply experiencing what most career women with inattentive husbands go through. ;-) We married late in life, so I knew we'd have our own friends and interests, but (I thought) we would both be giving up some "personal space" for "common ground" and companionability. I must have thought wrong! I've gained a huge load of work and grief for a small dose of companionship. And I think I'm just running out of energy to cope with the endless "crisis mode" we seem to be in. As the years pile up, it gets harder to believe that she can't manage her schedule well enough to live a semi-normal home life with her husband. So- rivkadr- thanks for the suggestion on meetup.com, looks interesting! I think I'm just gonna have to start taking care of my social needs on my own, and not worry about the grief that DW gives me for it. As I mentioned, there are some reasons for not making a major status change at this time, but at least I can have some fun while I see how things shake out. Thanks again!

HI again, Thanks all, for taking the time to respond. I do appreciate it. India won't happen for years, and let's face it, I'm not going to forego yearly vacations in order to save for that trip...we all work too hard to be saving for a big trip like that years down the road. And, it does need to be years down the road as he turns 6 in June (same as his 'sister' in India) and we just 'adopted' her last year. I would like them to have established more of a rapoort, letter writing, ability to communicate and understand each other...she doesn't yet speak English but will apparently learn it now in school...before we go there. She also lives in a very dangerous area at present. I'm not going there alone with a small child in tow....I may not even go alone with pre-teen in tow...I have travelled with friends and still found myself in precarious and scary situations in Asia and Africa...India is no different....and now- this is back to my original query :) If my fiancee can't be guilt-free enough to go to Disney without his 2 girls, he won't be getting to India with us either! And unlike me, he has not travelled the world, he is very envious of my travels and hopes that we get to travel together to some of these places.....but we need to sort this stuff out. So, will we also not be going to India without the girls??? And yes, India is maybe my son's #1 choice right now, but don't take that out of context and turn Disney into 'my' want.....remember in my first post, I did say that HE (my son) initiated conversation, he has been asking about it and having me 'google' pictures and videos and talking about it with his cousins. Yes, I would like to give him the opportunity- but is it for me?! Nope....I wish another family was going to Disney and wanted to take him along, I would only be too happy to avoid the commercialism and line-ups and hoopla....the only thing I would miss of course is making the memories with him, seeing his expressions, etc., can't miss that! Really, I would love to lie on the beach for a week- that would be MY choice...my job is cut-throat and so is my grad program...I would rather chill out. yes, guilt is an issue with my fiancee, and he will need to work on it. I'm hoping the counseling sessions and getting 'permission' to be somewhat of a disciplinarian in order to help his 12 yr old daughter by having some structure, rules, consistency, will help with this... plus the course he starts in a few weeks on parenting kids with behaviour challenges. I think he has worked so many hours that he doesn't 'trust' in his ability to parent in these difficult situations, his daughter's outbursts are scary and would probably scare most veteran parents. We will just have t work through this together. As to the money issue, it's not an issue as of now. Yes, I said I pay more than 50%, it's only slightly more than, AND, it's for our shared expenses only...his 'personal' expenses are not included in that (ie. child support, car payment, credit card, etc.). We each take care of our own personal expenses and share the joint/household expenses. So, I don't have to pay for a "lazy BM to sit at home" and take our money...he does. Nor would I, ever. And, where I live (Canada), I would never have to unless I became a legal guardian in a formal way, and/or he stayed at home instead of working 'by choice', and he would not be allowed to just avoid child support by being a 'kept man' or something...in that instance I would have to pay. That will never happen. As I said he is extremely hard-working. He works a full time job plus another more casual job to make the money he needs to, to pay for he and his girls' way. I hate emails...so much miscommunication :P I don't begrudge his time with his girls alone AT ALL! I encouraged and supported the camp idea (he and girls-alone a week each summer) that started last year and will continue...my son can't go for 2 more years, so I won't go either (they want to employ me as well - so my son could then go free as well) but until then, its them alone...fine - it's all good. I encouraged and am absolutely FINE with him going to the cottage with his girls each summer without us - I hope they go and 'bond more' this summer too! I know that a dad and daughter's relationship is absolutely critical to their normal development and socialization...that it will form how they see themselves in the eyes of the opposite sex, how they will learn to teach boys to treat them in a relationship, etc. He has to do everything to ensure that they are not left with anything else except of a feeling of love, respect, closeness, trust, etc., with him - I get that this is priority #1....although somewhat challenging given the limited time they have together, the behaviour issues that need to be overcome, and the undermining at our attempts to instill normalcy, routines, standard expectations of respect for self, adults and each other, and each persons' responsibility within their home, by the lack of any of this at the BM's home, or even at the grandparents. He is not comfortable with the idea of travel without them, but we can not take them everywhere everytime, so does he never come with us then? Do we travel/vacation as single parents or all together or nothing? This is my question. If the expensive camp, cottaging, girls going to Disney, etc is 'ok' without us, why is nothing we do without them 'ok'? The BM has had boyfriends, just no one serious enough to have stuck around thus far...but when that happens and they travel together as the 'family' that they will then be, is that what will make the difference? Surely if they get to vacation together, we (fiancee, son and I) can vacation together? But why would this make a difference? So, I need to wait for her to pick a boyfriedn that travels with them, or a stepdad for them? I'm now confusing myself! :P Ah..."special one on one time that my son gets with my fiancee"....that's half the issue here, and part of the reason why I would like him to come along! When someone works 60-70 hrs per week, and then fits in time alone with his girls, and is painting their home, fixing that home...all away from us...(girls and BM, and grandparents) live 40 minutes away near his full time job so to maximize time with his girls he will go from work to his parents where girls are often living, and stay in order to try and ensure healthy eating, help with homework, try to establish routines (videogames, bed time, etc)....as we live 40 mins away, my job (and whole extended family, etc) is 40 minutes in the opposite direction, so we aren't about to move any further away from my work and childcare...we are right in the middle and this is the best we can make it for the time being. So, with all this going on, he isn't at home with us much at all! We might get one hour before my son's bedtime, if we see him at all, sometimes for a couple of days at a time (if he is working night shift he will get off work, get his girls breakfast, take them to school, go to sleep at his parents, get them from school, get dinner, do homework with them, and then go back to work), yes, sometimes we might get a whole day with him on a weekend, but its rare... this is why I would like him to come on vacation. My son loves him to bits, is always asking where he is, if he's coming home, asks to sleep holding his PJ shirt :), but will whisper things in my ear that he is too shy to ask him himself, he never asks him to read to him or to play with him...because despite the years passing, he doesn't yet see him as another parent since there hasn't been the time spent to establish that type of routine with him. I thought we could at least vacation together...and goodness knows, working as hard as he does, he deserves to get away. And it is 'guilt', and not what he 'wants'....he even started toying with the idea of not coming for the whole week, but kind of 'sneaking down for a few days at the end, and flying back home with us". He doesn't really want us going alone, he will also worry about us, I know him. But he worries about what other people will say, think, and of course what would be told to his girls and if they would 'snub him' like they did post the 'engagement trip' in the fall, and only forgive him after copious presents were bought, restaurants attended, etc... He doesn't want the BM calling him a bad father or his parents judging him... The BM, although not 'enjoying' or optimizing her opportunities with fulltime motherhood from my perspective, has this as her sole identity (I think). She does not seem to wish to have to work and sees the 'full amount' of child support that she gets as her 'income'. In Canada, if we have the children even 40%, he could apply for a small 'break' from the set amount (according to his income) and have to pay less. She will never allow for this. Plus, its only a 'small decrease' in the amount. So, he would still be paying alot, therefore have to work alot, and then who is looking after the kids who would then be with us 50%? I also work long hours and have my mom and a daycare lady helping me. We'd be paying more money in childcare and travel/commute for others to care for the kids! Plus, his girls do not want to change from their present school/friends, and we can't manage that commute in opposite directions for work, school, etc. I would have to be a stay at home mom -oh wait! I can't afford to, and, his kids need him, not me.... Yes, the BM is happy to leave the girls with his parents alot, but that doesn't affect the amount of 'custody' or child support- so why wouldn't she collect max dollars and have other people care for her kids, that's her M.O. The garndparents will never say 'boo' to her, they would be afraid she would deny them access, but its a joke, she needs them too much so she can have her free time. By the law, she could technically choose to send them away to boarding school and collect full child support even though she wouldn't be 'caring' for them for their day-to-day needs. So, getting 50% custody/access doesn't help us unless we all lived nearby AND she agreed to less child support so he would be around to parent his kids. The grand parents live 5 mins from the BM and they take the girls to school, pick them up, etc., it doesn't disrupt their school, friends visits, and their choices (pizza, ribs and videogames!), like coming to our home does. If the girls had a choice, the 12 yr old would choose to live with her enabling grandparents (the no rules, coca cola and pizza and chocolates for dinner everyday-house), and the 8 yr old would still pick her BM at this point. Anyway...still wondering if anyone is in a 'similar' family footprint, and could comment on the vacation strategies/options/etc. After all, we can't 'fix' the BM, might not be able to change much in 12 yr old' s behaviours if BM and grandparents don't get on board with the strategies suggested for kids with these challenges...and the fact that he will always be paying (and therefore working!) this much is not going to change either. So, while I appreciate the 'heads up' re: red flags...I'm aware and trying to work on things I can control, the rest I just ensure that I'm making an informed choice on the matters...I'm aware...not ignorant of facts, not naive...smarter than him (haha - aren't all women?! lol), and I am sure to keep my concern for my son at the forefront of all decisions I make. My fiancee is a really good, caring, trustworthy, loyal and nurturing man....he is good with my son, he is a good role model (other than the guilt-ridden and confidence undermined by the 'system' keeping him working like a dog to pay for the kids and try to parent them alone with a fraction of the time or support that many other parents might get)... good people deserve chances. We all have our 'baggage', and just because his ex is a piece of work, he made a bad choice in her as a younger/stupider man, and his parents are oldschool european passive/enabling spoilers of kids who think tons of videogame time brings great hand-eye coordination :P...just because of this, he shouldn't be written off. He loves me and deserves me -lol :) , and I would be hard-pressed to find a guy as nice as him in the world, who loves me as he does, and who shares my interests. So, here I am...giving it a shot... hoping to go on a vacation with my son and the man I love.... maybe could this happen? Just askin' :)

Hi all, I'm new. I just want to say that many of the issues you mention really aren't YOUR issues. Things like her fraudulant lawsuits for example. I have an ex who's always frauding someone...but it's not my problem. The system will catch up and when it does, they'll have to pay somehow. You need to focus on dealing with the children when they're in your care, and disregard what they do in her care, unless they're in danger. You seem to have stopped the spanking but maybe you should make their Dad handle all the discipline. You could even try a "wait until your father gets home" stance when they are in your care and your husband is away. Once you stop engaging with them, they will stop engaging with you. You've only been married two years, so you have a long road ahead. Your nit-picky issues are just that, little nit-picky issues. I'd blow them off and laugh it off as a jealous bio-mom...those do exists sometimes. You know YOU and those around you know YOU...don't waste your time focusing on what she says or does. Keep documenting everything and always anticipate the worst, but hope for the best. If the relationship with the girls is broken, I'd really try mending it. If you're interested in some ways, let me know, maybe we can get creative. If you plan to stay married, you really need to get along with his kids, they don't go away after they turn 18, only the CS.