This could get "sticky" the mom is mobile now but "closing the fridge door" how often would you have to be checking it. What if she starts spilling milk, are you going to have to clean up half dried messes, will they start taking you for granted & expect you to "take mom to dr." clean up after her if she gets sick, etc. Will "walking the dog" be your job for the mile walk if she can no longer do it? It's his mom but wife may want out from under it completely & you may be helping bathe ,diaper or who knows, also looking for her if she gets lost, any fences, can she just take off & your job to "find her". Probably better write list of things that may come up & how it will affect you if he doesn't think you are "doing enough" or she thinks you "should do more"(probably for same pay) a lot would depend on how compatible you are with the couple, is their marriage stable(don't want to get in middle of fighting couple)or have to take sides. If she is good friend will that last if you try it & quit or will she hold it against you as she will have more work to do. Lots to think about. More than likely mom is going to resent you for awhile, maybe daily, elders don't like to think they are failing. I know from friends & 90 yr old mom. 1 friend's parents got help 4 hrs a day. the wife wanted her out of her house even tho hubby was getting lost etc. Dog food could be locked up & you take out just enough for that day so dog would be Ok. Fridge could be slightly higher in front so would close on its own as most have screw feet. Mine closes by it's self. Are they going to pay s.s. taxes & income taxes? What if she falls 5 minutes after you leave to go do your other duties, will you be responsible for her "laying there for 4 hrs". Lot to think about!You will definitely need 1 weekend off a month & 1 day a week,because you have the other job, you will burn out otherwise.Good Luck!

We did get away for one night last weekend, up to San Francisco, about 2 hours away, so we did manage to escape briefly. And I got word that my puppy, not even a year old, had a major win at the dog show today, and a reserve win yesterday. It's a big deal. Wish I could have been there, but I am fortunate to have lots of friends who have reported back to me about the pup's win and how she looked, too. Thanks for your concern. I really see Mother slipping in her overall condition, and she knows it, too. She's so frail, it's scary. I'll know more tomorrow.

You HAVE to get her to the dr. What you're describing is definitely some sort of dementia. If it's Alzheimers, there are meds that can help--won't cure the disease, but can slow it down, and give the person more control. Secondly, from what you're describing--and I know you don't really want to hear this--your mother is at the point where she is truly not capable of handling her finances. If she told you she'd go and get you $10,000, just because you asked, you really DON'T know who else she's decided to help out (might be that 'tight as a tick' charateristic no longer applies). I've been through Alzheimer's with my MIL, and through my mom getting confused an unable to handle her affairs (not officially diagnosed as Dementia, but that didn't change the fact that she needed a LOT of help, for a number of years). I totally understand that you really DON'T want to admit that your mother is past being self-sufficient. It's so hard to see, and much more difficult to accept--our mom's are supposed to be the ones in control, who can do anything, right? But you really do need to take some steps now. Getting her to the dr. is first--and do call him ahead of time, and let him know what your concerns are, what symptoms you've seen. If you're not listed as someone he can discuss your mom's situation with, he can at least listen, and then he'll have the info to do the appropriate evaluation. As I said, there are treatments for some causes of some kinds of dementia--and cures for some other things that can be causing it. And even if it's an untreatable situation, there is lots of help for you--but you have to know what you're dealing with. Second--you need to speak with an eldercare attorney. If your mother runs through too much money too quickly, and then needs residential care in the near future, you could be in a very difficult situation. A lawyer can explain the legal requirements of getting help and can help you conserve and protect her assets, and can, if you all want, help set up your mom's affairs in the best way possible. Lastly, it occurs to me--maybe you should let your mom give you that $10,000, and put it in a separate account, that you keep for her. There are a number of advantages to doing that. Of course, you'd have to pay the tax on the interest, but she can legally give you that amount, and you'd be able to see that it was saved for her when she needs it. Good luck to you. I know how very difficult this time of life is going to be for you. I took care of my mom for the last 12 years of her life, and the one thing you need to understand, even though it's hard to accept--is that today is probably as good as it's going to get. Unlike children who advance and become more able and independent, our parents go the other direction, some slowly, some more quickly, some aware of what's happening, some not; some accept it, some fight every step of the way--but we have to be able to help them, the way they helped us learn to become the people we are. Again, my thoughts are with you, and my hope you'll find the strength it takes to parent a parent who doesn't want to be 'parented'.

I did not mention that DH’s mother lived woth Alzheimers for many years before she died in 2021. She was obviously impaired by 2010 when my FIL, who covered for her, died in an accident, and she became worse every month but still lived alone and drove. When the warning light for low gas would come on in her car she would go to the only car dealership they had ever patronized in their Alabama town and try to buy a new car. One of the ladies who worked there would take her to fill up her car (dhe could not remember what to do), fill it up for her and show her how to pay. Every time. she would run a stop light and be stopped by the police they would then escort her home and call DH’s brother who still lives in the town. All three kids— all physicians— were in total denial about her condition and finally took notice when she failed to pay the property taxes on the family home. She went to the bank several times a day and would give them her driver‘s license and ask them to write down her bank balance on a post it note. They did it because FIL had been one of the founders of the bank but reached out to DH’s brother when they saw her regularly dropping the slip of paper on the floor as she left. In many ways the residents of that town, as loving as they were, unwittingly conspired with her closest relatives to keep her from receiving the care she desperately needed. She had always declared she did not want to go into a ”home” so we arranged round the clock aides for her, three shifts of 8 hours, to care for her. IMO it was the biggest mistake they ever made for her because she would really have enjoyed the social interaction at an AL and would have benefitted from it, as Lyfia described. Completely dependent on the aides she became reclusive— also a natural progression of her disease— and declined very quickly. Everyone’s experience is IME completely different— the patient, their personality, their needs and circumstances, etc. But I absolutely believe that a promise never to institutionalize a parent made when they have their full faculties is not only not binding, it is almost meaningless. We have to do what is right and best for our parents, even if that does not ”respect” the wishes they expressed when they were healthy. That often serves the caring relatives more than the patient. In MIL’s case there were no financial bars to care and in a way that worked against her; if money had been a concern the AL would have been much less expensive than the at home nursing. At MIL’s funeral everyone kept saying ”she always said she never wanted go into a home and that’s the gift you gave her” and I secretly wanted to shout what an utter load of crap! For her specifically it wasn’t a gift, it was a sentence. I learned from that and discussed it with my mother at the time who was much more with it than she is now. She agreed with me and said she would not mind going into assisted living or memory care if I really thought she needed it as long as it was a lovely, bright and well decorated facility. That's my mom— thankfully!!