Oh, your last post raised HUGE red flags. The drug situation is very serious. In several ways. Unfortunately, this is another area where I've had very unfortunate experience. My SIL was demanding drs prescribe specific medications (mood elevators, narcotics, etc) to my in-laws. We don't have absolute proof, but there is circumstantial evidence that SIL was stealing those meds and subbing things like aspirin. At other times, she was doping MIL (who has Alzheimer's) up with other people's prescription sleeping pills to make caring for her easier. Then things got really hairy--SIL started stealing from MIL to support her drug habit. I'm sorry to say, we didn't believe a relative could do that--so by the time we got involved and got the courts to do something, SIL had misappropriated over a QUARTER OF A MILLION $$$$ that had been earmarked for MIL's end care. Sadly, your last post is the one that concerns me the most. You have to sit down with your husband and the far-off brother, and discuss what you're going to do to protect your MIL and her assets. Drug users have no conscience--it's the first thing drugs seem to destroy. But they're very, very, very good about scamming their relatives. And it will happen--sooner or later, for more or less $$$. You have a very serious problem on your hands. I'd strongly advise that you engage an eldercare attorney to properly set up your MIL's assets, and I'd further suggest that you and your husband need to sit down with an attorney, lay out the situation you've described here, and find out what you need to do to protect yourselves in this matter. Unfortunately, in our case, we're up over $20,000 in legal and forensic accounting fees, out of our own pockets. That doesn't include the fees that have had to be paid to the court-appointed guardian for managing MIL's affairs properly. While we've managed to stop the stealing, the situation is a long way from being resolved. I truly hope your SIL doesn't go the way mine has--but sadly, it sounds as if she's got no scruples when it comes to feeding her habit. Stop worrying about making her angry--she's USING your guilt to get over on the family. Best to face this now and get the appropriate protection in place, than to wait until you've got an expensive mess to clean up. We're 7 years into our battle, with no real end in sight. Wish someone had opened my eyes in 2002! I'm truly sitting here with my heart in my throat, thnking of the terrible time your family is likely to face. I wouldn't want to put my own worst enemy through the stress and strain we've had dealing with a thieving 'out-law' (I refuse to call her an 'inlaw' any more). My heart really goes out to you.

I do have power of attorney for my mother, she is in a nursing home now and her house sold and all assets used to pay for the nursing home fees. There is no money left to pay for anything. At $13,000 a month the money goes quickly. Everything is gone which is why we are in the process of getting the medicaid application started. For years I tried to convince her to sell her house and move into a senior apartment, and then, if she declined further, assisted living. She refused to leave her home, and I could not force her. Eventually, there was no choice, but my sister did take her in for a few years until things got to the point where she needed 24 hr a day nursing home care. I can't speak for other elderly folks, but my parents became extremely stubborn as they aged. . We affectionately call Mom our 93 yr old toddler. I've learned a few things from this that I intend to do for my kids. I think its good advice for all parents as they approach old age: Sell my house when I can no longer take care of it. have all my important documents in one place and inform my kids where it is. take good care of my health, lose weight, stay active, keep social activities up so I can stay well and independent longer 4) Inform my kids I don't want them to take me in or assume responsibility of my home or my personal care. We will get our elder care policies so they don't have to worry about it. 5) Have a Power of attorney, will, DNR documents (already done this) My father is still in good health and mentally sharp but he also refuses to sell his house and expects us to do the work on it. But I have learned that its ok to say no, if he wants to remain in his house and has the money to pay for repairs, he is going to have to hire people to do it, we cannot do this anymore. We're tired, we aren't getting any younger either and its time to focus on our own home now. Dad refuses to discuss anything related to his aging, his funeral wishes, where and what he has, etc. I've told him do not choose me as power of attorney or executor if you do not let me know these things now. I don't want any part of trying to dig through this stuff again without any knowledge of where to begin. I told him I will leave it all to his lawyer if he doesn't give me more information. Much as these things are uncomfortable to talk about, the fact is we are all going to die, many of us will need extended care so the people we designate to take charge of these things need to have the information beforehand so they can make the right decisions. Leaving your kids in the dark until something happens is just wrong.

@ aputernut Was that a stream-of-consciousness moment ? There's like about a 100 words there, with no punctuation, no sentence capitalization, nothing . . . How are we supposed to parse something like that ? lol Btw, the way that link was made, it only goes to ehow.com . I did take a look though . . . as you probably know, ehow.com is by no means a tech site. They have people employed to dream up things to write "how-to" articles about, a lot of it being almost copy & paste. They may be correct on some points, but it's hardly a definitive or authoritative site for tech info.

A dear friend had this for her husband when he was ill and dying. When he died, her children insisted she continue to have the 24/7 help and she did. The day woman was wonderful; the night people, not so much. Their job description required them to stay awake all night and be available if she called for help. They would just go to sleep and when she called them to help her to the bathroom, they didn't come, she would try to get their by herself and a fall inevitably occurred. I can't tell you how many different helpers the agency provide for the night shift and nearly all were not good at all. My in-laws had always had a live-in cook/housekeeper. When their wonderful woman finally retired after over 40 years with them, they hire another woman, but she would only work M-F - no weekends. They had someone come from an agency for the weekend, but it was not always the same person. They were not required to stay awake all night, but there was a "baby monitor" so my FIL could call if he needed help getting to the bathroom. The weekend help often ignored his calls and multiple falls were the result. My late mother had many friends who had in-home caregivers, and by the time she had died, they had all managed to steal all her silver and jewelry - and there was a lot of it. I would strongly advise using an agency where the workers are bonded, and locking up anything valuable and high "portable". Even then, someone needs to keep a close watch to be sure they are actually caring for the person and not also robbing her blind. Many children object to this kind of care as they don't want to have to be involved with hiring them (one still must be involved, even when using a reputable agency), and it is nearly always far more costly than assisted living in a home. In some cases, it is not - the home may be more. After my MIL died, my FIL announced to his two children that he was going to move to a retirement home in a nearby town. The "walk-in the door" fee was $500,000 and if one dropped dead two hours later, none of this money was returned. There was also a monthly charge. My DH and his sister looked at one another and both thought "That's a LOT of money and we will inherit that much less!" He was nearly 92 at the time. It also meant that my SIL would have a 30-40 minute drive each way to see him on a daily basis. That is how she approached him - it would be a huge inconvenience for her, and she WAS going to visit him daily. She still had two school-age children at home and it would have been very inconvenient. FIL was a dear, dear man and there was no way he was going to inconvenience his beloved daughter (my DH did not leave nearby). We were very glad he made this decision for innumerable reasons. It gave DH and his sister 13 months to clean out a very large house in which they had lived for over 50 years. My husband would drive down from Maine for the weekend, and they tackled the huge 3rd floor attic, the basement, and all closets with things not in use. It took them all that time to go through all this. And he only lived another 13 months. Sometimes reality must come into these decisions.