Hi everyone. My cousin and I are still working on getting my aunt moved closer to us and on reporting this niece to the authorities. We have spent hours on the phone and in meetings. Believe it or not everyone in the state keeps passing the buck on this case. We had the state nursing home ombudsman get involved (finally someone returned our calls!!). He went the nursing home and talked to my aunt, the nursing home director and the business office staff. He said that the niece DID commit fraud on my aunt, the nursing home and the state. He said my cousin and I did a great job digging up all this info, but that he was going to do nothing because our actions have stopped her from continuing the behavior. What!!!??!! We managed to find two untouched life insurance policies worth about $4000 total and we set up an account with a funeral home. The other 5 policies are gone and were never reported to the State on the Title 19 application. We are meeting this week with the nursing home Director to see if they are interested in pursuing this woman. If not, I'm calling the Attorney General's office as recommended by the funeral director. I am so frustrated with all of this! Will keep you updated as things happen.

"You have to take some of the responsibility for having burglarized; you know people break into houses, & yet you didn't have a burglar alarm, & you had nice things in your home." I do take responsibility for that - I have insurance, my insurance company says I must be responsible for installing window locks, and alarm. But I know I could be robbed, and I have been. It would be irresponsible of me NOT to make some preparation for a bad event. "I never have heard anyone say, "You have to take some of the responisibility for having had your car stolen. What made you think nobody would steal a nice car like that?" I am responsible for where I park it...for having it insured etc, I drive a boring car that nobody would want to steal. These are things I have done to lesson the chances of me becoming a victim. If we are responsible for our behavior, surely, in the terrible event we become a victim, we will move through the trauma process a lot more smoothly and eventually end up in a place of forgiveness. If we think of ourselves as a "victim" then how do we get over the trauma ?

"Actually, there are a number of people who kill their husbands and get out after a few years, especially if the husband was abusive. It's not self-defense if she shoots him while he is asleep. I think the original poster sounded too upset to be making it up, not to mention the fact that she provided a lot of details that she probably wouldn't have bothered with had the story been false." TOS, as the original poster provided so many details (but missing the critical ones like the VISITORS?LIST on the VISITORS?ALLOWED MODULE) I don't think she would have forgotten to mention how many years her SM was in Jail for murdering her first husband or if she was convicted or even put to trial for it...She would have relished telling it. Anyway, details are not a guarantee of truth: as any mother or kindergarten teacher knows, the more elaborate the story, the more blatant the lie.

It sounds like, to me, that you dad and his wife lack a certain degree of maturity. (I think a lot of times when there is abuse it stems from some form of immaturaty. When a person has never learned to deal with their emotions, for example, they are more likely to lash out in an immature fashion.) It is within your power to be the better adult and bring some healing to this situation. Your childhood may not have been the way it should, but you were strong enough to overcome that and build a life for yourself that you are happy with. Perhaps your dad's wife is spending more time 'reaching out' to the aunts and uncles, when she should be reaching out to you, but you can stop her complaints (and "character assination" attempts) by going out there to visit. If you go it will be different than when you were growing up. It may be hard to face, most likely the emotions from your childhood will come welling back up, but this time, if you go, you will be there with the support of your loving husband and beautiful daughters. I don't know your dad or his wife, so I can't say for sure, but usually there is a big difference between how people react to/interact with their grandchildren than they ever did with their own children, so I agree with your aunts and uncles that they don't pose a risk to your children. At 3000 miles, I'm guessing it will be more than a 1 day visit. If you go and find that they're attemting character assisination with your kids, wait until the kids are in bed and then sit down for a (calm, mature) discussion on what is/isn't appropriate, and let them know that if they continue to (slander you) to your children that you will end the visit early. Your dad and his wife won't be around forever. They are a part of your daughters heritage, and your daughters deserve to know Grandpa and Grandma. You deserve to have some healing from your past, and you'll only find that if you can forgive them (whether they're willing to acknowledge their faults or not). If you go, you may find that, in 20 years they have changed. If you go, you may find that being grandparents changes how they behave to you and to your girls. If you go, you may be able to bring some healing to your family, and your girls may be able to have a wonderful relationship with their grandparents. You may even be able to develope a new relationship with them, if you're willing to try. If you go, you may find that things really haven't changed, that they are the same people they were when you were young, but if that's the case, you have the power to take your family and leave. If you go and they're still the same, at least your dad's wife can no longer call your aunts and uncles saying that you're depriving them of the opportunity to know their grandkids. If you don't go, you will never know. It's too bad, when the child has to be more mature than the parent, but it sounds like this is the case for you. Just my $0.02 Good Luck Verena If you try, let us know how it goes.