I have about 30 minutes before the in-laws arrive with ma in tow and the "excitement" begins. I have read all of your responses and reread my posts. I need to take the time to reread what I write. I probably won't have the time today either and hope things come out better. It seems what I mean and what I write don't always mesh. Am shaking my head at what I wrote. I see what I did write, but what was in my mind was more meaning getting permission of going with my gut feeling of doing things, and not over thinking things. When I trust myself, I tend to make better decisions. Originally, I was concerned about being selfish and worrying about her dignity. My gut was to not worry and I was told here to not worry. I was also told to not put the plastic down, which we won't be doing. She doesn't want the depends because of her dignity, this was discussed with her daughter a couple days ago. She has been ok with not having accidents. Daughter bought them and told her if she has any accidents she will wear them. She won't accept that talk from me, but I will be telling her the same thing, I will be sweet but firm. Like someone said, it's my house, and cleanliness IS preserving dignity. I am so happy I found this section of the forum a few days before her return so that I can begin to put things in perspective and get my mind in order. She has 3 days of increased meds in her now. At the first sign of a problem, she will either be going to the hospital or 911 will be called if needed. I am prepared and am not going to play around this breakdown. I have notes and names in a notebook. I have the "go bag" ready, except her pills. I have protein bars, puzzles and a book in it for me in case I spend the night in the ER. Now to smile when she comes walking in the door. They are here. Thank you so much.

Golddust, you wrote: "Realistically, she will be making money. A property management said she can easily rent out her (paid off) home for about $3k a month. Added with her retirement income, she will have to start paying income taxes. If she pays us for housecleaner and a gardener, she can write off that expense as renter's credit." (My emphasis in the bolded part.) I don't understand this. Renters don't get income tax credits for their rent, at least as far as I know. It's just a household expense like any other. Though it may come into play when figuring various low-income benefits offered to the elderly, like perscription costs or heating allowances for which she might be eligible. And if she is paying expenses in your household in return for board and care, then perhaps that money may be taxable income to you and your DH? I would check with your accountant before you set up the deal. Not that I think you shouldn't do it this way, but sometimes what seems equitable and appropriate on a human scale complicates things like taxes and eligibility for other benefits. We had a Plan B for my MIL (who was having progressively more serious TIAs and couldn't safely live alone another winter in a wood-heated house), but she, as always, managed things her own way by going to sleep after eating her lunch in her own own house and not waking up again. She was a gifted water dowser and I have always suspected that on a psychic level she figured out that her kids (my DH and his sisters and I) had a Plan B that was nearly in full development. Appalling shock for all of us, but as she had often said after my own Mother had died unexpectedly at home, "She Did It The Right Way", at least for her. I second the advice to keep her furniture in her rooms, and not budge from there if there's any chance that having her stuff in the common rooms will make it difficult for you to use your rooms the way you like. It could get to a be profoundly annoying burr under your saddle. Good luck! L.

Oakley, I don't think we know what we are going to want or how we are going to feel until the time gets close. My MIL got nervous when I was away. Everyone told me she would ask for me repeatedly. "When is Golddust coming home?" As her needs became greater, she appreciated a female helping her with dressing, toileting and hygiene. Her sons were clueless. They were loving, willing and wonderful - but totally clueless and uncomfortable. I didn't leave her once in her last three weeks. Her sons would do anything at all, including taking the dogs to the vet, so they didn't have to stay with her alone toward the end. Better make good friends with your DIL. I think your DS will delegate your care to her more than you know. My MIL deeply loved me and appreciated me stepping in when she needed help. She didn't think anyone would be there for her. After caring for three elders until their death, I have no fantasies about old age or the rocky path toward death. It isn't usually pretty and I watched my MILs sons look to me for their Mother's care. They even looked to me for the way they should act around her. I told my MIL that her cancer had returned in front of them. (They thought she shouldn't know, rather than tell her themselves.) They supported me to take care of her and I have a lifetime of points in reserve because of the awesome care she got. If you alienate your DIL, you will also alienate your son. He will chose her over you, as it should be. Your best hope is to make your DIL love you. She will be wiping your butt, not your son. Trust me.

That's the whole point, not too many 86 y.o. are going to be able to handle the tech demands of a computer. Browsing the internet is no great thing anyway, unless you have a specific goal. I worked in a CCRC (continuing care retirement community) for 3 years, so I speak from not only personal, but professional experience. My father, an engineer (from Northeastern, not MIT), wanted to learn how to use a computer very much, and we tried setting him up several times, but even in his early 80's it was just too much for him. He had all his faculties up until his death at 91, it was just something that didn't make sense to him in some basic way, and he never could use one. For most elderly moms/dads or grandmothers/grandfathers who have never used a computer before, this would be ideal. All they really want to do is read letters and see family pictures. Since few of us send snail mail any more, this would allow them to stay in touch with children and grandchildren who are computer literate (that's us!) My kids would have loved to stay in touch with their grandfather with something like this, and I think he would have liked it too, having something in his hand to read and read again. He would have been able to carry them around the CCRC and show them to his friends, especially the pictures. I have coworkers, much younger than me, who, despite many attempts, still can't figure out how to reply to email, much less send one, and they use a computer every day. Think about how daunting it can be to learn some new technology, and imagine if you are 86 years old and trying to do it.