Ha-ha. Pirate Girl, I had to laugh at your comment, reminds me of one of those jokes that is peculiar to a family or group of friends. When my father-in-law was in a nursing home shortly before he died, there was a lady there who suffered from extreme dementia, and all she did, all day long, was sit in a wheelchair and mutter "I just want to go where I want to go, I just want to go where I want to go..." Very sad, really, for the lady, but it did become a special family moment. The opportunity to use it pops up in unexpected places, like when we saw video feeds from Mars,and the Rover was bumping into a rock, backing up, bumping into the rock, backing up, on and on. My husband mutters "I just want to go where I want to go, I just want to go where I want to go," and we all cracked up.

I am reading a lot of similarities to what I have been dealing with my mother for the past 1-1/2 yrs. I wish you luck - as it can be soooo trying! 1. I received plenary guardianship of my 65 yr old mother just over a year ago. Here in FL, I'd say it was a fairly time consuming and expensive route (excess of $5K). I was pushed into seeking this formal route (vs power of attorney) because everyone was concerned my mother would have tried to revoke the POW. Now I see that wouldn't have been an issue --- she believes everything I tell her regarding legal issues and isn't motivated enough to find out otherwise - so I feel that I should have stayed with POW and avoided the aggrivation (annual Guardianship plans, annual Accounting, petitioning for various fees, guardianship accounts, etc). It's costing about $3500 per year now. I have an appt with a separate Elderly lawyer - family friend - to get advice on medicaid planning and to see how long I really need to retain this "guardianship attorney". 2. Whenever I need to do something that I believe mom is going to be upset about, I just tell her that it is "court appointed". She doesn't recall the hearing - but I assure her it is true. 3. She too was a heavy smoker and drinker (the actual cause of her dementia - alcohol persistent dementia). But, somehow she completely FORGOT that she did either. Now she says she smoked "years ago" and that she used to "have a drink or two of wine - socially". Ha. But, her doctor did specify (in a letter) that the ALF not allow her to have alcohol - that it would interfer with her blood pressure and diabetes management. Shock. 4. I sought out a memory care ALF due to recommendations from the court (via the 3 person, court appointed Examinining Committee). I toured several ALF's with memory-care units and they each assured me that their entire staff had special training to deal with dementia patients. Right. They call me every time that they cannot get my mom to wash her hair, that she puts the garbage in the wrong place, she leaves windows open, she eats the wrong things, etc. For cripes-sake - why can't they take care of these things if they're so well trained? I'm glad your mom (MIL ?) is taking fairly good to her placement and is actually taking part in some of the activities. My mom was so isolated - and will have nothing to do with the "old folks" and their "stupid crafts and games" in her ALF. Too bad. Again - good luck to you. What a duty, huh?

Azzalea, your sis in law IS my sis in law. And during the early years of my marriage ~the women, not a man in sight~ would burn both ends of the candle to try and get the holidays in gear. Moving many years down, I seem to be the lone person who still enjoys finding that gift that represents the person its given to. I MAY pick out a gift they don't like of course but I do try to be thoughtful. Everyone else has gotten to the point where they seem frustrated with the whole idea of gift giving. When they do give, my kids thank them and I end up wondering what I'm going to do with the girls new gifts of 8 lip glosses with added glitter, chocolate pudding hand lotion and new jewelry box (when they already have one OR two extra, given to them last year). So I'm the grinch or not, I'm going to do a new idea for gifts. The aunts and uncles can give charity or nothing. I didn't say this before but I have rules given to me too. I had a college basket for my niece and was told by my sis in law that no gifts to the college children. I ended up saving everything and giving it to another girl in college. I was so sad because I spent several hours and many days thinking of just the right things for my neice. Sounds like we are all butting heads about now. I hope we can come to some agreement. As far as traditions, sheesh, the inlaws don't have much to speak of. Like I said, the woman buy cook and feed the men,as they sit there like playdough with smiley faces and do nothing. The kids play in the basement. Boy would I like to implement some traditions but the best I can do is to make traditions for my family of 5. If I tried to force the all my ideas on them during a get together ,,the will snub the idea out like a cigarette.. They LIKE doing nothing. Yawn, so since I like my dh, I will endure being bored.

One other perspective fwiw: I have an elderly parent with Alzheimers and we learned the hard way that hospitalization and anesthesia (as well as pain and/or pain meds) can precipitate a condition called delirium - and it's especially common among the elderly and those with dementia. My father was living independently, with a lot of personal care help etc, when he had a minor medical incident. After a day in the hospital he basically shut down, physically and mentally, in what we later realized were classic signs of delirium. It was a six week ordeal, life and death, much of it restrained and/or semi-conscious -- even though there was literally nothing wrong with him physically. He ultimately survived, but never returned to anywhere near his baseline. He was living in a continuing care community at the time and so we moved him to the skilled nursing wing instead of his own apartment. 18 months later, he's now under hospice care. I'm sure that he wouldn't have declined so dramatically and so quickly if it weren't for this episode. There's nothing we could have done differently; the original ER trip was necessitated by an anaphylactic reaction. He had an Epipen but the only prudent thing was a quick trip to the hospital, which had happened plenty of times in the past. Now, having done a lot of reading on delirium and dementia, I would avoid elective procedures and anesthesia with someone who has dementia. One other thought -- we got great help and guidance from the palliative care specialists at the hospital throughout this ordeal. The regular doctors and nurses were terrific, but they were focused on fixing the problem, such as it was, rather than ensuring his quality of life.