what does he mean by "get involved in paying the bills"? Or by "wants to pay the rents and bills all by himself"? Does he want access to the money in the checking account? Does he want to be the one to decide whether you'll pay the gas bill now or make it wait while you pay the phone bill? Does he want to spare you the frustration and burden of paying the bills? Does he want to be the one with control over how much discretionary money is left, or over how much is going to savings? Or is he uncomfortable w/the idea that he pays nothing for the roof over his head? To me all these things require different reactions. If it's the last one, the answer to that is, "get a job that pays you better." And, the way to address that is to perhaps decide, as a team, that you'll invest his salary in training for him so he can get a job that pays more (don't overlook the trades; in the U.S. plumbers & electricians & reliable contractors can make a lot of money--they don't need college, but they do need training). As long as he's actively working at the training, then he IS contributing, bcs he's planning for further out. Bcs maybe he doesn't have any idea of what other job *would* pay him more--maybe he agrees w/ you that his current qualifications won't get him any better-paying job. In which case, it's time to get him some different qualifications--and training is the way to do that. If it's that he wants control, then you have other issues. If he wants access to the money, you may have some OTHER problem. One last thought: You wrote: do you think he wants me for financial support? This worries me for you. Do you suspect this? Is this suspicion coloring your marriage? If I felt it, it would certainly color mine. My DH is not earning much at ALL. He's had jobs, but they've always paid less than mine, and right now he's only doing freelance work from home.. I've never , never had that suspicion you have. I have a strong belief that we are a team, and that I am more to him than the breadwinner. He has areas he contributes which are not financial; I'm able to be the muscle in the money-earning department. But also, I know that he is married to me because he wants to always be with me in our daily life. Also, we both think of our earnings (which we have always kept separate) as "ours." I use my checking account to pay "our" rent with "our" money--that money is only "mine" in that I'm in charge of using it for our family. He pays other bills with "our" money that's in his account. If you don't feel that, I think you have a problem. Even if the problem is only your fear--it's still a problem. Maybe you need to get someone (like a marriage counselor or coach) to sit down with the two of you and help you communicate on this issue.

Sweeby, I tend to agree with you. I truely believe my SS is a sociopath. I have researched it extensively and he is dead on. Even to the point that we got puppies for each of the kids last year and he would feed and water his, walk it when the others walked theirs but he never loved on it like the others did. Never smiled at it when it was happy to see him. He was detached. Honestly, that was when I first started to notice he was a little different. He can turn it on, when he knows others are watching, or even mimic others "normal" behavior, he is just different. His puppy didn't grow and learn like the others because he didn't take time with her. When he went to his mothers and said he wasn't coming back, I was at least relieved that I could find the puppy someone to love her. To this day he has never even asked where she is! Was my husband a great father? No. He thought he was, he tried so hard. He stayed in a loveless marriage for 20 years convinced (by his wife and her family) that if he left he would never see his sons again. That is a ridiclous farce! But my husband, while the kindest soul I have ever know, isn't the most intellectual man. He was on his own at age 15 and all he wanted was a family. He endured SO MUCH to keep his family together and while he THOUGHT he was doing the right thing, it was in the end, the absolute worst thing he could have done. Children who grow up in a battle zone, watching their mother belittle their father over and over, watching their mother lose her temper and hit herself in the head, having one affair after another, that is bound to produce some twisted individuals. My husband tried to keep them busy, Boy Scouts, football, basketball, bowling leagues, track...he was at every practice, every game, helped coach..anything he could to keep them busy and focused on something positive. Yes, he feels gulity. I don't bring it up anymore, he talks when he needs to talk and I listen. Last night for the first time, he said, "I should have taken my boys and left when they were little. They would be different now." I know that is true and I know that is why he puts up with so much, he is largely to blame. No, he wasn't a mean father, but he was an ignorant one, either way, his boys are damaged. I feel bad for my SSs and I am very maternal by nature, so I have tried so hard to take care of them. I wonder if maybe there isn't some jealousy there by the 18 year old because he didn't grow up with that kind of mother. His mother is SO selfish! I have never seen anything like it! Well, my SSs....I have loved on him, he and I had one on one "date nights" and days of shopping and lunches like I do with the others, talked about everything under the sun. I just think it is too late... When his behavior affects my children I have to say no more. Some have asked about my 20 year old SS that I have only met twice. Right in the middle of the split between his parents, he "came out". He was 17. He really , really needed understanding and nurturing. He didn't get it. His mother was vested in her new relationship and his father was licking his own wounds. Both adults were selfish and not there for their son in a very, very crucial time in his life. He is still angry and hurt. While my husband now sees his mistake and wants to be there for his son, he is now going to have to wait until his son is ready to forgive him. Which is why my husband calls him very Sunday and leaves him a message, without fail. He tried to live with his mother and her boyfriend and that didn't work out because the boyfriend was calling him a *ag every day! I wish he would give us a chance but he just isn't ready... I saw on FB recently that he was saying he needed money for groceries. I told my husband (who doesn't realy do the FB thing)and he sent him money for groceries. It's a start... Need to add, the SSs do NOT get along! It's just a big mess! : ( I have to leave it all to my husband. He created this situation, regardless of his intentions, it is time for him to step up and take care of his own. I am just going to take care of mine and see in time what develops.

Agent said to replace the carpeting in the worst bedroom and have the rest cleaned. After looking at it today in daylight we decided it all has to be replaced. Cleaning is one thing but with the burn marks, itÂs beyond cleaning. The carpeting was new 5 years ago but in my opinion it canÂt be saved. The agent said spend $500 and then list it $20,000 below the next comparable. But I donÂt see how thatÂs possible. $500 doesnÂt even come close. ItÂs the largest unit, and no other 3 bedroom has come on the market for over 3 years (so that would be pre-downturn prices). Carpet is $2000, painting is another $2000. Beyond that itÂs hard to know what is worth doing. ThatÂs why I thought IÂd ask here about what kind of cosmetic improvements make a difference and which buyers donÂt mind doing or would rather do. If it were me buying IÂd rather fix it up my way, but I donÂt know how common that sentiment is. And ron6519, if you couldnÂt be helpful, why did you bother to reply? Excuse me, we didnÂt ignore it! I asked for practical advice, not condemnation. Everything was maintained as well as possible. Especially considering the tenants were elderly (and quirky) and did not want to be disturbed. Even replacing a ceiling light fixture required making numerous appointments which then were broken because one or the other one were sick or not home. Replacing the hot water heater they turned the installers away 3 times. They smoked (and said they didnÂt) and set the place on fire, more than once, it looks like. They took down all the smoke detectors. The extent of the wear and tear we did not know until we got in there last week and finally saw it empty. They had so much furniture you couldnÂt see the walls. What we spent on new appliances alone over the last 4 years, added to expenses, exceeded the rent we collected. Next time you have an elderly tenant and let them rent below market value (because you feel sorry for them), let them pay late every month (because you feel sorry for them), and can seldom get in there to do anything, letÂs see how well you can keep your place up. klaire2001, thanks for being constructive. Painting the cabinets sounds promising. If we can get the tacky damaged varnish scraped off that might be a good option.

The room is 12 x 12, so not too big and one window. It tends to be dark. It has wood paneling and crown throughout. The smoke damage has been determined to warrant a refinish/cleaning, not a replace. The floors will be replaced due to smoke between crevices in wood. Ceiling is also being replace. Wood is not beautiful, but overall effect is nice for a small den with one wall built in bookshelves, a set of small double doors (no glass) and a back door out the other side of the room. I am sorry I don't have a better picture, but I am not in the house currently.