Hey guys... just reading that poem makes me cry again. I still cry every day. It's really hard when you're by yourself at night. I miss Danny. I made a shrine to him in my room. It's been a few months now and though the pain isn't... as consuming, it's still with me all the time. The time we had together, his youthful eyes and laughter, they haunt me, you know. It's still not right that we are here "enjoying" life and it is over for him, so young, so full of potential. I keep wondering why it has to be this way. And why he couldn't have been pulled out of the water, why those boys who were with him don't care about us, because they never call. I keep wishing I was old enough to start a family, that my ex boyfriend was a good man so I could give into his pressure to go home. But my path is set.... it's so strange but in the aftermath I see clear evidence that we (mom and I) are doing as God intends, that he has plans for us and taking my brothers away are part of the plan. For my mother at least, no clearer evidence could have been presented that God is here and He does care. My mom was devastated to be here, after her head cleared. She quit her well paying corporate job to slave away for my vengeful, tyrannical father. Things were not looking good - on top of the grief she had to suffer his abuse to pay the bills. She was depressed and felt she made a huge mistake in the wake of the grief. I felt bad b/c I insisted that God wanted us here, to help my Dad (before he betrayed us) to be where Dan was, to be in this small town away from the city, away from my ex bf. I prayed and I really thought we were doing the right thing. Even at the worst I encouraged her that somehow, God would come through - I could feel it. And He did. Out of a pool of 462 applicants in a town of 50,000, *my mother* was chosen to be the business manager/instructor for the only scuba diving school in the entire area. Her new job is about as awesome as they come. She not only gets paid to learn a new career, scuba instruction, but will be taking 10 paid vacations a year to take clients to places like Australia, the South Pacific, Hawaii and Florida. That we moved here after Dan drowned, and now she has a new career in *underwater life support* is not lost on me. Praise God - if that isn't direct evidence of his Love than I don't know what is. My beautiful mother has suffered so - this bit of security, adventure and hope for quality of life was exactly what she needed. The owner is so nice he won't ever make her dive in the huge brown river that took my brother, though it is the local attraction for his business. We also got to meet the diver who pulled my brother out of the water (bless him, if his body hadn't been recovered or recovered quickly it would have been even more tormenting) and my mom will get to be a volunteer search and rescue diver herself. I don't know what I'm doing. I was supposed to go back to school to finish 8 credits but I blew it off - until January. For some reason I lost my motivation to go to law school. I want to do something else. I don't know what. I will keep praying and maybe God will show me the path. I'd endure just about anything if I could have him back. Death is so unforgiving. A few minutes of being underwater, unconscious, and you can't come back. I've been re-reading "The Lovely Bones" and I really like the way that novel describes Heaven. The little murdered girl wonders why her dearly beloved grandparents aren't in her heaven. It's because she can't let go of watching people on Earth - her family, the investigation, her school. I like to think that Dan is here sometimes, I can almost feel him. But when he is not, he must be enjoying hot rods, powdered mountains and babes in bikinis. There must be babes in his heaven. I am waiting to find the perfect landscape tattoo artist, and then I will get a memorial tattoo in Dan's honor. It will be a silhouette of a snowboarder popping off an impossible cliff, with a burning, brilliant variegated sunset in the background. Dan Krueger, 1986 - 2004, it will say. He was such a good brother. I'm so grateful God has shown himself to me in the blessings and messages, so I know Dan continues on and I will see him again. I just wish he could "enjoy" life. Maybe heaven has all the good parts of life and none of the bad. But you can still feel things. I mourn the loss of his feeling - he loved to feel. We all do. That Dan's opportunity was taken away makes me feel like I should make the most out of life - but I don't know what to do. I'm just saving all the money I'm earning, and being here for mom. Thanks for caring, Lu, and I hope you all are holding up okay. Oh man, now I'm looking at the pictures to post the link. Pictures hurt so bad. These basic ones I've seen, I can hardly bear to look at them, and trying to look at the hundreds of family photos we have in the closet is like trying to breathe underwater. I just can't do it yet. CRY CRY CRY CRY CRY Man, it hurts.

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This is an excerpt from something I received in today's mail: It's Thanksgiving afternoon. You've had turkey, stuffing potatoes, cranberries - all the fixings. You've had pie (both apple and pumpkin). And right about now you're thankful you're wearing pants with an elastic waist. It's time to watch another game or perhaps figure out which sales to hit with the start of the holiday shopping tomorrow. But isn't there something more to this holiday? Thanksgiving is the perfect opportunity to slow down and take stock of what's really important in your life. So before the meal, or right after, while everyone is still seated at the table, invite each family member to state something they're thankful for....Here are a copy of suggestions to keep the good thoughts flowing throughout all the holidays and into the upcoming year. 1. Accept, Acknowledge and Appreciate - Let these replace the Three C's - Complaining, Condemning and Criticizing. 2. Do something for someone else - those less fortunate than you. 3. Put it all in perspective - It's often easy to lose perspective on exactly how much we do have. It's easy to feel less than satisfied with your lot in life...Remember, what you have is always greater than what you need. 4. Focus on the positive - Keeping a positive outlook will change your entire perspective, as people have a tendency to remember the bad things as vividly as the good. Keep a gratitude journal containing only positive entries. Look for positive outcomes from tough events. This goes on but I think the bottom line is to keep things in perspective. I'm a perfectionist, too, and we completed our kitchen remodel about 18 months ago. I know where you are coming from, but if you focus on the fact that you have a new kitchen and it's a great improvement from what you had before, your perspective will probably change. Get that positive journal going with daily entries - you'll most likely find you ease up. As a last resort, ask yourself 2 questions that were regularly asked of me during our remodel - 1. Will this kitchen bring us world peace? and 2. Will this kitchen solve world hunger? Bottom line, it's only a kitchen. Happy Thanksgiving.

Holly Kay, thank you. I'm sorry for your experiences. Wow, your neighbor's husband! Unreal, just awful. Linelle, you, too ...... and I'm so sorry, I didn't see your post up there before! Hugs to both you ladies. TR, I just saw your post, too.....I don't know why posts aren't showing up for me! Thank you. I love how you put things. :) It's the oddest thing .... that behavior when the chips are down, and we need them most. I'm so not a needy person, I hate asking for help, and as you both know, when grief is fresh, we're in a shocked daze. So raw and scared. Same here, the people still in my life would not say his name, or bring him up. It took about two years before my family would talk about him (granted, they loved him for 23+ yrs, and were hurting for him, too. But I just wanted to hear his name so bad). It taught me some hard lessons, that's for sure. I've had to work hard at not letting it turn me bitter. What they [friends who ran] never thought of was how hurt and disappointed my late husband would have been at them. They really disrespected his memory -- he was a wonderful man, and good friend to them all. He would have been the first one to help them in this situation, mowing yards, etc .... helping in any way he could.