Hello all, The other day it hit 71 degrees here and dang it felt great!! I was outside after work with shorts on and flip flops. No shirt and had a ball grilling a couple of steaks for my wife and I on the patio while we watched my now 5 martins and guess what..Still no female. They are buddies now but when that first female shows up that will all change grin..Pretty adult ASY women and pretty adult ASY female martins tend to do that to us guys and the male martins are no different. I think they seemed jealous of me yesterday because I had my pretty ASY Female out there with me and they all had to be alone big grin.. Anyway I now have 5 males out there but get this..My dear ol' Dad is kicking my butt!! Mr. "Martin Hog" Vincent Brown has 8 martins and three of them are female. I stopped by yesterday after work and there they were and of course he is rubbing it in smile..Well even though he is my Dad I had to say.."That's alright Dad..In about another two weeks that will all change in a hurry." I then slapped him across the back and we both smiled and I could feel the love between us." I am so proud that my Father loves his martin colony so much. The colony that I started at 11 years old with my Grandpa's help is now his pride and joy. Back then he was working all the time it seemed and I took care of it but after I got married and moved away my Father not only kept it up but he expanded it and now he is the "Martin Man" of his hometown and he loves it. He spreads the gospel of the Purple Martin around all the time and being retired he has the time to do it. I can't tell you folks how many BB Boxes he has built and just given away to folks who would love them and care for them and keep the House Sparrows out of them. It is a wonderful thing to share the pleasure of hosting Purple Martins with your Dad,Mom,Brother,Sister,whatever..and again I thank my Grandpa so much for passing his knowledge of this wonderful bird down to me. It still links us all today in so many ways and now Me,My Dad,my brother Mark,and my brother Marty are all "Martin Men." We all share the joy and pleasure of having the majestic purple martins grace our homes all summer with their glorious presence. That is worth more than all the money in the world...but dang it..I hope I get some females soon and get one up on the old man big happy smile....Mike

Sadly, I think kathline is right, and that women in general are held to much higher standards. yes, definitely by other women but I think by men too. For laughs, let's do a little compare/contrast here. To be seen as basically "a good guy" or "a cool dude", men are generally expected to do/be the following: -good providers -non-physically abusive -non-verbally/emotionally abusive -knowledgeable about sports -knowledgeable about tools -married to or sleeping with an attractive, compliant woman -not TOO bald or TOO fat (but a little of both is passable and even endearing) -funny On the other hand, in order to be considered "a good woman" or "a catch" as a woman, she needs to be: -hot... -...but without obvious effort in maintaining "hotness" -nice... -...but also "bad" when that turns him on (at highly circumscribed moments) -intelligent... -...but not so much so that it's "intimidating" -not an airhead, thus... -...capable of profound thought... -...but not so much that it makes you "a drag" -financially secure... -...but not so much so that it takes a way the man's pride in being the provider, thus... -....somewhat dependent... -...but not a gold-digger -well-groomed and stylish... -....but not materialistic -a great housekeeper... -....but not SO GREAT at it that he's reminded of his mother (b/c that's a turnoff) -a great mother... -...but not so busy with the kids that you don't have time to do/be all the other stuff or you "let yourself go" -a great friend who's well-liked by many... -...but not by so many that you're "always yakking on the phone" -emotionally attuned, empathetic and engaged... -...but not "clingy" -funny... -....but not so funny that it de-sexes you -knowledgeable about sports enough to be cute -unwrinkled -un-bald -un-fat -free of extraneous body hair at all times -unblemished nails -non-physically abusive -non-verbally/emotionally abusive -always available to schlep kids around, be woken by them in the middle of the night, etc. -always available to deal with DH's MIL, FIL, BIL, SIL, CIL, neighbors, unexpected dinner guests and/or boss -AND.... -...still up for sex after all of this... -which you also better be good at... -...but not TOO good.

It was chocolate with homemade (not by me of course) vanilla frosting with exactly 12 chocolate sprinkles. Then I had the strawberry one as well buy failed to count the sprinkles as I felt too stressed at the time. I had two because the first one did not do the trick. PO1 I have no desire to add to my stressful life by contacting my dad's other children. We were not raised together. Maybe it isn't their fault but their biological mother locked me and my brother in a closet for days during our visits to my dad's. I was 8 the last time I let her close and lock the door on me. So no thanks. I have no need for reuniting and reliving the horror I sustained while my dad was married to their mother. I'm sure she abused them as well but they did move away with her and have continued to stay in the same area as her so I bet there is some loyalty to her, she is their mother. I know where they are. My sister keeps in touch with them. My sister and I are so different. She is best friends to this day with a girl who stole her bike, pushed her in the street and beat her face in. That girl would be no where near my face after that attack but my sister is forgiving. The same reason she tolerates my dad's inability to commit to being her father for longer than a week after 40 yrs. What surprises me is that she was 13 when he left and so she was very effected by it but she just has this need to know all of her blood biological relatives. The same way that she is attached to antiques and old pictures. I honestly don't care for the junk. I have no attachment to blood ties - maybe because I am 100% effected by being raised and loved by people who are not blood related to me. I have an entire family of non blood related people through my stepdad. My sister is not close to them because she was older but I was still in diapers. I don't feel the need to go off and find all of my dad's offspring. I'm sure there are more out there. He is good at reproducing. I just feel no attachment to them. Maybe I am weird but I just feel nothing. One half brother is dying. He has aids. He doesn't take care of himself. He prostetutes.. Why would I want to even say I'm related to someone that is possibly spreading a disease because he is ignorant and angry? I have NO desire. I dont care to know the other one either. The one time I did talk to him, he told me he remembered that I stole his toys. I was 5! He was still holding it against me. I had to steal something otherwise I was locked in a closet or not fed. I needed something to draw attention to myself! I have overcome that abuse. It never really defined me. I never really had issues. I was a great kid. So was my brother. My brother went on to serve our country freely and proudly for the last 17 years. So proud of him! We both overcame it and although I know it wasn't their fault what happened, I just don't want to bring that back in to my life. As far as my dad, I just don't know what I want right now. I considered writing him a letter and just calling it the end. No more contact. Move on. But the other part of me is scared I'll need his kidney one day. Actually that was a joke. I think putting it in writing makes it final. I don't want to hurt my dad. I don't want my words to burn into his eyeballs but I'm certain I just don't want a relationship with him. I just don't know if I want or need to tell him. I have nothing to get off my chest. I have told him all of the things I am sharing with you all, already. He knows it all and all he can do is say I'm sorry, again. I don't want him to say I am sorry. I know he is. I just have no interest. Do you think I'll change my mind as I get older? Not sure. JMT for the record, I agree with you 100%. I already said that and I don't think you need my approval but I completely get what you are saying. A bio parent that gives their child up for adoption is no more a deadbeat than a man who gave up his rights for the same reasons. Just because you both didn't give your child up doesn't change the circumstances. Maybe it would be different to PO1 if you BOTH gave the child up for adoption. Then you are selfless and did what was best for the child. For some reason we as a society say that because MOM kept the baby then dad should have to keep the baby too. But you have opened my eyes to that just isn't how it is nor should it be. I would probably have been so much better off had my dad just walked away and never looked back. Instead he wanted to drag us around to each girlfriend/new wife he had where I sustained abuse and guess what... Dad wasn't home anyway. He was always at work.

Is Dad one of those guys who dislikes confrontation? That might have made him cave in during mediation. I'm of mixed feelings about mediation - I understand the need to not tie up the courts with every silly little disagreement, but I really think it's a very bad idea when one or both of the parents will not behave rationally. The mediators' job is to get the two parties to come to some agreement; their job is not to decide what's best for the kids (at least in our state), so to me it often seems like the less reasonable person gets their way, as they tend to hold fast to their demands. At any rate. It sounds like BM wants to reserve the right to visit her kids if and when she chooses to do so. Dad may be thinking that she's not around now, so there is no problem with the current status quo and why make waves? You might have some success if you point out to him that if something were to happen to him, you (and he, if he were incapacitated) would have a very difficult time preventing BM from just swooping in and taking away the kids. If you've suggested that to him and he is still inactive, the only suggestion that I have for you is to create your own emergency attorney fund and research to find a very good one - hopefully it will never be necessary but if something were to happen you'd be as prepared as you could be. That is assuming that you have been acting as a parent to them in BM's absence; if not, unfortunately, I don't think you have any chance of getting guardianship if necessary no matter how much you love them.