Oh, goodness! I'm still confused! LOL! Great suggestions and great reasons for both talking to X and not. @Sylvia - what you suggested was what I was thinking. I was planning to take DS to the store to get the game this weekend, but I wasn't going to buy it for him. He has 2 gift cards left from his b-day so I was going to let him use those. For the record, I would not use my own money to buy a game for DS when he has gift cards at his dad's house that belong to him. That would be petty of me. But if DS wants to use his own money or gift cards, that's another story. @Sweeby - why do you think your X did those "for you but really for me" gifts? Was it to justify spending the money or do you think it really was the thought of DS, but didn't realize he'd get more use out of it than DS? @Nivea - you make some really, really, really good points! I hate the gimme mentality, too. I found out X got it for him AFTER I told him we were "thinking" about getting it. So what would an 11 year old need with 2 $400+ game systems???? He wanted it for himself. The sad thing is that X's entire family went in on this "gift" for DS, so he got nothing else from that side of his family. DS now knows that the game system was really for his dad and that his dad conned the other family members into helping him pay for it. And you're right that if I say something it might open up the boundaries I've been trying to re-set for a while now. I am totally amazed at how self-centered X can be. He lost his job and now DS doesn't have health insurance (he said he was going to get COBRA, didn't, and wasted away the time limit to put him on my insurance). He swindles DS out of his Christmas gifts. On top of that, he's not even looking for a job! He didn't come to his basketball practice the other day because "it's finally a nice day so I need to clean and polish the bike". Seriously??? He NEEDS to clean and polish a motorcycle instead of be at his own kid's practice??? My heart breaks for DS every time he has to listen to some stupid excuse like that. You know, if I were to do any of that, I'd be the worse mom ever.

Well, if I was away from my child, I'd be around more than 5 times in 2 yrs. I don't think a court in the US would consider giving him custody, but you now have the difficult role of helping your son to have a relationship w/ his dad. It's tough - he did wrong by you and your son. He basically chose an affair over the two of you. He now has another child and the woman in his life who felt is was OK to be involved w/ a married man. Not great role models. Nonetheless, if he is willing to be a father to your/his son, then you probably need to support that. You also must be sure that the mother of his other child will treat your son well. Your ex must also treat the children equally. As hard as it is, your son does deserve to know his 1/2 sibling and his dad, be that through visits or if you move. I don't know if I'd move or not. Family being close is priceless, but you give a good argument for moving - bigger city, prospects of meeting someone special are better, better jobs, schools, etc. I think you ought to write down the pros and cons and make a decision. Also write down the pros and cons for your son. Of course he didn't want to go w/ his father having only seen him a few times. His memory of his dad isn't in existence right now. No child, esp. this age, wants to leave mom. The father can't blame you, really, as his not being there routinely is to blame. Yes, you moved, but not before being desperate after the position he put you in. How do you feel about the ex now? How does your family feel about you moving back? You need their support and it may not be easy in light of what happened. Also, you won't have built in babysitters, either, in the larger city, so you must consider that. Good luck, Dana

Oh I hear ya... It's really hard on a child and the other parent to hear these things. "His ex has recently taken us back to court to change the custody order, claiming that our son is miserable with it and wants it to change. It has only been in effect for 6 months and we have only noticed very positive changes in him since then. It isn't really that different from what it used to be and all of the things she is claiming ring false and have us convinced that this is really about proving to everyone that she controls what happens in our son's life, not anyone else. It has become clear to us that she is drilling him on what he "wants" and has actually put in her declaration to the court that the judge needs to ash him what he wants so he can tell her and thus have the order changed. He is 7. The fact that she wants to put him in that position says everything anyone needs to know about her, in my opinion." I think you've got it exactly right. She's feeling threatened, feels her control slipping, and is reacting in a selfish, destructive and emotional way to "get her son back." Probably, without realizing the cost to his emotional health. I went through the same tactics, starting when my son was about 3. He'd come back from his father's house feeling terrible because "My daddy's so sad when I'm not there." For 3-4 days, he'd spout all sorts of 'daddy-centered' stuff about how sad his dad was, how much his dad missed him, how it wasn't fair that his dad didn't get to see him more often, and about how he wanted to live with his dad, and when he was 10, he'd get to choose. My son didn't even realize at that time that living with his father meant he wouldn't be living with me. At first, I tried talking to Ex, and asked him if he could rephase it to how happy he was to see DS and how much Ex enjoyed spending time with DS instead of how sad Ex was without him. Ex denied there was a difference. I explained how DS felt sad and guilty for making his father sad; Ex said I should just give up custody so DS could be happy. This went on unproductively for years. Later on, Ex's parenting tactics got progressively worse - extreme Disneyland syndrome, over-empowering DS, badmouthing me, ridiculing my husband, who DS had quickly grown to love... I asked him to go to counseling (7 years post-divorce) so we could "learn how to parent more effectively." In truth, knowing Ex, I didn't expect it to work, but I knew Ex would make an @$$ of himself in counseling, and that the counselors would be consulted in the inevitable custody battle. That is, in fact, exactly what happened, with Ex admitting to and defending all of his slimy self-centered tactics, and the counselors practically beating their heads against the wall trying to get him to see any perspective other than his own. DS's new SM even went to some of the sessions, and it was clear that she could see the error of Ex's ways -- but of course, she was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Some good did come out of the counseling. The therapists recommended the book 'Divorce Poison' to me (not within Ex's hearing) which deals with parental alienation syndrome. A gut-wrenching read, but very valuable for understanding Ex's tactics and counter-acting them. I changed some of my responses, and DS's emotional health started to improve. That book helped me find the fine line between stating that I thought Ex's actions were not right and why, without crossing over into Ex-bashing. I also learned a few valuable strategies for dealing with Ex -- like *never* proposing my preferred solution to a problem, because any solution I proposed, he would veto. And discussing issues with SM instead, because she was reasonable, had less ego involvement, and was able to see DS's perspective in addition to her own and Ex's. (Ex honestly could not.) As it played out, the day DS turned 12, Ex initiated legal procedings to have custody switched. DS signed the paper indicating that he wanted to live with his father. Ex. delivered that paper to me on our son's 12th birthday. (DS really didn't have a choice; the consequences of refusing to sign would have been horrific. Plus, he'd been so brainwashed...) With lawyers, counselors and negotiations, I managed to delay things a year, but on his 13th birthday, DS went to live with Ex and SM. Surprisingly, things have gone quite well since then. DS has gained a lot of insight into his father, most of it not so good. He's also developed a better appreciation of my 'mean' rules and the reasons behind them. And he loves his SM. She's the one who spends time with him at Ex's house. She makes his lunch, takes him to school, takes him out to dinner and movies, buffers Ex's rants and lectures. We're ALL lucky she's there. And DS still loves me. In fact, in private, it seems he's able to love me more since he stopped getting so much brainwashing pressure (still can't show it in front of Ex, though) and since I'm not always the one saying "No". Teenagers are difficult 24/7 -- twice a week plus every other weekend, they're easy ;o) I'd love to have him back with me, but know it's not going to happen. So I need to work with what I've got -- a DS who is seeing more of human nature than most kids his age, yet still making mostly good choices, a SM that's loving, kind, responsible and reasonable, and a pathological Ex that's best to be avoided (and thanks to SM, I can). Anyway - That's my story... My advice to you is to read Divorce Poison. Make the time - expect to get very angry - then work through that anger and develop some strategies for coping with BioMom's tactics. Some of them will be legal defense tactics, but the more important ones will be ways for talking to your SS about BioMom's tactics. He's being put in a terrible position, and needs your help to deal with those pressures. The right actions will allow him to understand what BioMom is doing and why (in a simple, kind but truthful way), and that you love him very much and he is not to blame for all of the bad feelings. Good luck to you, your DH and SS.

Sueb20, yes white walls, beams, cabinets and counters, which does got with stained trim/doors/windows which are still there and the travertine flooring - both are warm tones. I even saw a touch of medium gray on the coffee station.... AND they painted the travertine FP surround. The next week, DH wanted to get out and go for a drive, so we rode past the nearby house where we lived for 20+ raising our children. What was a lovely landscaped corner lot has been completely destroyed. I knew they were not "yard people" but had a landscape company. Clearly, cutting down hundreds of azaleas, wild hydrangeas and trees were easier than keeping it up. Two large natural areas now have weeds and/or being invaded with grass. In addition, they painted the top part of the house a dark grey. It looks ridiculous. Obviously, I am not over either of these discoveries. LOL Sorry to hijack your thread. Congrats on the quick offers. Here's to a stress free inspection and closing.