My siblings, mother and I went through a lot of what you are going through with your sister. Our oldest sister was diagnosed in June, 2008, with inoperable lung cancer that had spread to her spine and shoulder. She had just turned 60 a few months before. She went through rounds of chemo and radiation and was on powerful pain medications. She lost her voice the month before she died, which made it even more difficult to communicate with her. She died November 14, 2008. It was too fast and left us all stunned and devastated. I would call her whenever I could, (not on chemo days, because they really left her drained) and also urge her to call me on her good days, as I didn't want to interrupt her if she was sleeping. I also sent cards and wrote letters, bought her special shampoo and lotions when her hair started thinning, soft pajamas that buttoned down the front, because her shoulder hurt too much to pull things over her head, etc. Don't hesitate to tell her how much you love her, laugh and talk about silly things that happened when you were growing up together. Don't be embarrassed to show your feelings, because with cancer, these words could easily be your last shared conversation. I kept a journal and one of the entries I made was on a day when we laughed and talked about Dancing with the Stars, of all things. Sometimes she might just want you to listen, or even to cry with her, which is okay, too. The day before she died, she had her son call everyone and tell us to come, because it wouldn't be long. She just knew. Most of us live out of state, but we all were there to be with her and spend the day with her before she slipped away. Take care. I'm sure you will do fine. There's no right or wrong way to go through this. Just follow your heart.

Hmmmm, interesting. I'm going to wager that there are indeed times that your daughter provokes by deliberately ignoring the other girl...whether you want to admit it or not, but guess that's not here nor there in what's going on. I'm also going to say that somebody chattering at me non-stop is going to annoy me sometimes more than at other times. But lining the kids up and doing what DH did 'now you must respond to _____' is silly. Seriously, if there is indeed an issue address it individually. The way 'rules' and 'explaination' session was set up was asking for a show down between DH and you and BS from the girls. Chatterbox needs to be told to have 'quiet time' now and then from time to time. The silent one needs to be told (not in front of the other) that she is expected to be civil and polite to everyone (but she should not expect to be constantly badgered by chatter). Is there a reason SD may have a short attention span? Does she chatter to DH/you as she does to her stepsister? What do you two do at the times the girl is questioning/chattering at you both? You advise the DD to ignore her stepsister. DH squeals the child is ignoring his daughter. I'd like to hear what you do when the SS yaks and yaks at you? Do you tune her out and ignore her? Or does she only do this chatter-chatter to your DD? Different rules for the girls? If there really are, again would it not be better to address issues individually than in front of the girls together. To me pointing out ups and downs of each child in front of each other just re-inforces pitting one against the other. Currently when 'rules' don't suit you during 'explaination time' you call out the DH in front of the girls for a private chat?

I know I'm weighing in at the end... but I spent all weekend at a Biology fair, teaching kids about fun science and didn't have a chance to log in until last night. I think Mom2emall is absolutely right to expect better behavior than she saw from SD. She was terribly rude and deserved to be called out on it. You remember how one of our new house rules is "It's OK to say your opinion, as long as you don't hurt anyone's feelings"?? Well, IMO, that's exactly what happened here. Like many people have said, SD could have been nice about saying "No thanks, I'd rather play by myself" or "Right now we want to play just the two of us, but you can play later". I also don't think it's OK to choose to not play, and then be mad because you missed out on the fun. Richard Scarry even had characters about that (anyone remember Pig Will and Pig Won't and how Pig Won't missed out on everything, so he became Pig Me Too?) I do think Mom2emall went a little far in how she excluded SD when they were all sitting on the couch, but since it was quickly followed (as I recall) with letting her come sit with the family and including her, I'm not too worked up about it. I'd probably be more concerned if the "punishment" had been that SD spent the evening in her room while the rest of the family watched a movie together and ACTUALLY been excluded, rather than just told she was. I'm used to rude and anti-SM remarks from KKNY (you'd think that as an adult, KK could handle "It's OK to say your opinion, as long as you don't hurt anyone's feelings", but maybe I have unreasonable expectations) but I'm really annoyed with that KKNY keeps calling Mom2emall "OP". "Mom2emall" is a bit long to type out all the time, so maybe if KK is feeling lazy, she could say M2EA? I might be the only one, but I think it's incredibly rude, and actually a form of adult bullying, to not use someone's name. IMO, continuously calling M2EA "Original Poster" is really disrespectful. Ima, I agree that TOS is spewing psychobabble as gospel again, but IMO, in this case, she's not being rude or anti-SM, so let's cut her some slack on this one. She's giving her opinion and wasn't being a big jerk about it, so I think we should respect that TOS has a right to express her opinion. About "forcing" the kids to play together.... That's not how I see this at all. My perception of this situation is that it's OK to play separately, as long as you're being nice about it. Mom2emall wants all the kids to be able to get along and play together, but also seems to respect their own space and individual interests, as long as everyone is being nice to each other... So I'm not sure why anyone is saying she shouldn't encourage the kids to play together. I think she's bang-on by encouraging them to be nice about playing, whether it's together or apart.

Hmmm...reunion in New York. I could handle that, Pops could go to buddy up with the guy stuff and I'd swim at pool, get my hair done (maybe nails too), do a bit of shopping, check in and see what going on now and then and in down time I'd shop shop shop. I'd have a great time. LOL. I actually don't enjoy spending the day/evening with a bunch of people I don't know and have nothing in common with. I deal with people all the time, the last thing I want to do on my 'me' time is deal with more. I do do the family stuff I'd rather not when I have to, but I have no trouble excusing myself and doing my own thing after I get bored to pieces surrounded by people expecting me to make small talk. The DH does not mind, we enjoy the actual outing and getting away together, it's just the 'social hour' I back out on. Myfam, SIL does indeed seem to be the one with the problem and a bundle of jealous crap. I kinda 'get it' to a point, she does not have her husband home all the time and does not want to share when he is. Too bad. Childish to expect to have him all to herself the entire time. Of course he wants to see his mother and siblings. You'd think one dinner with all together would not cramp her so much. She sounds like a greedy one. I spend time with my DIL and even my ex DIL at times DS is not around. I call/email/text with the ladies, we have the occassional lunch, blah blah. I like the ladies above and beyond their connection to my DS. If I'm somewhere and I see something I think either lady would like, I pick it up for them. I really don't feel a need to buy for both just because I bought something for one...but both ladies get gifts and little treats, just not always at same time. I doubt my ladies compare notes to see what and if I've been up to. The other Ds's GF gets the same attention. This lady is a bit different. We get along, I like her, I respect my son loves her, but there is just not the closeness with this one as with DIL and exDIL. She does not get left out though. She gets the same treats and stuff everybody else does. We just don't do much of the lunches out and shopping blah blah together. It's not a snub, we just don't feel a need to hang together. She does come to family stuff, is always welcome and she knows we care about her...it's just we likely will never have a close relationship. She has a close one with her mother though. Those two lunch, shop, gossip blah blah. I think it's just a matter of we don't really have a lot in common and she'd rather spend her 'me' time with her own family. Which is fine and understandable. Quick question. Does your mom reach out to just the DIL minus Brother occassionally? Maybe drive over once in a while and see just SIL and the kids when Brother is not home? Phone calls to keep up with the DIL/kids on their routine daily lifes? I will assume yes, but if not a bit of just the two ladies one on one attention might ease the jealous notion SIL has going on. Your poor mom, carrying for an elderly too. That is a true labor of love. Caretaking for the elder family members is not an easy thing to do. And as the person gets more and more dependent they are not always real pleasant. It's hard on these older people to find their independence slipping away and to have to have someone else do for them and/or assist them in what they use to do all by themselves. I cared for my grandfather in his final year with alzheimers. One of the hardest and most heart tearing things I've ever had to do. He would say and do things that were so hard to deal with, but I had loved the man my whole life and he had cared for me ...it was my turn to thank him for all his years of taking care of me by me now taking care of him , no matter how hard it was or how much it hurt. Don't know the situation with your mom and the person she is now having to be care giver for, but I know it's not an easy thing to do and I wish your mom the strength and love to get through it. In the end she'll be glad she did and that she was able to do it. Give Mom another hug, she'll need lots of them.