I am so sorry for your loss and I know what you are going through because my dear and precious mom died last month, too, on November 8th. Losing her has left a hole in my heart that can never be filled, and watching my sweet and precious dad lose the love of his life - for 65 years - is heart-wrenching. Yes, they were married 65 years, and together for 70. Momma was 85. We were blessed to have her that long, to have loving parents who modeled unconditional love, and we were blessed that she left without suffering. Nothing prepares us, though, for losing a parent. The pain is as bad as one would imagine, worse. My wish for us both is that we find peace in the loving memories that we will cherish forever. Here is a quote, one of many, that I find comfort in. Perhaps it will help you, too. "She never quite leaves her children at home, even when she doesn't take them along." ~ Margaret Culkin Banning. Blessings to you and all who loved your mother.

As a medical professional, it continues to frustrate me that we easily do heart transplants - but the treatment of depression is still very challenging. The incidence and prevalence of depression is significant. Many people will experience major clinical depression in their lifetime. Suicide is a complication of depression, just like infection is a complication of a laceration. Some get the complication, others don't. Yet talking about mental illness is so taboo. Depression is impaired brain chemistry - not a personal transgression. Insurance coverage for mental illness is so lacking. Insurance pays generously for for the complications of alcoholism, overeating, and smoking - things people have far more control over. Sorry for my soapbox rant, but in emergency medicine I see so many victims of suicide, both the individual and family & friends left behind. Hopefully his death will bring more attention to the need for better mental health care.

Thanks for your response, Sweeby. That is a very interesting point about whether the relationship was good or not. Generally, I think you are right about that. Odd, one would think the better relationship would be more sorrowfully mourned. But one also mourns the lost opportunities. No, there is no unfinished business. I did everything I could have done to try to save that marriage. And I negotiated with him much longer than I had to in order to arrange issues with the children. There is nothing more I could have done. He has gone on with his life and so have I. As it turns out, he is o.k. There was surgery which showed that there was no malignancy after all. The growths on his spine were removed and with therapy he should recover. I am glad about that. But I am puzzled by how emotional my sadness felt. My relief doesn't feel that way at all. There are just a lot of practical reasons that it's good he will still be around. It is very strange not to understand why I feel the way I do. I'm just glad the crisis is over.

We are going through some of this with DS and DIL who married last year. DIL, seemingly overnight, decided she did not like us before they became engaged. There were some tribulations over the wedding plans and I felt she was rude and disrespectful on more than one occasion. My son would always come over alone, unless it was a holiday or special occasion. Then there is the issue of holidays.....they revolve around her parents and their schedule. I did expect this but not quite to such an extent. The year before last we were told that they could only stop by for about an hour or two xmas eve day in the afternoon for appetizers. Well, I had not planned on doing afternoon appetizers but I did anyway.....and then everyone was too full for dinner. I was not happy having spent the day preparing food. (They spent xmas eve and all of xmas day with her folks). So, this year I took a different tack. I say...this is what we are doing and when and we'd love it if you can join us. If it fits into their schedule, great. If it doesn't, that's ok too. I've just let it go. All last year, when we would see DIL I was cordial but kept my distance after having tried on several occasions to forge a better relationship with her and getting nowhere. Well, she is slowly becoming more pleasant with us. Don't know where her new attitude came from! She just had a surprise bday party for DS and I helped with alot of the stuff and she thanked me profusely...so I am hoping we are turning a corner....but not holding my breath. But, to answer OP, let it go. You may feel disappointed from time to time but it's not going to make for a happy family by making them feel guilty when they don't want to or can't participate. As others have suggested, ask them to get together another day or weekend....it's still several weeks away. Maybe they just want to start some of their own traditions. You need to be cordial and polite to D's IL.....but you don't need to be close.