My grandmother just died on this past Friday. I cannot even BEGIN to express how much I love that woman and how much she meant to me and how close to her I was... there just are no words. She was already going downhill on my birthday, this past wednesday, and frankly it was a totally miserable day for me. People kept saying "happy birthday" and I wanted to scream "I WILL NEVER BE HAPPY AGAIN, ARE YOU CRAZY?" It doesn't matter that she died two days later, I will always remember this birthday as the time my beloved grandmother died and the single most painful time in my entire life so far. I guess I'm trying to say, it doesn't matter. In the jewish religion there is no choice in burial dates, it has to be done 24 hours after the death unless it falls on a holiday or shabbat so the funeral and burial was today. No it was not on my birthday, but my birthday will be forever tinged with sadness because I think that's the day I knew in my gut grandma would not be coming home. I know if grandma could have done it any other way she would have, but she had no choice in the matter. I'm sure if your mother could have had it another way too. I probably won't get around to celebrating my birthday this year and who knows if I will ever feel like it again. All I know is that sometimes you have to put aside what you want and do the right thing... that's one of the lessons my grandma taught me.

My mother passed away April 13th 2022. she raised me and my sister, as a single mother. she worked 2 jobs to ptovide for us, but we took her for granted as children. When the mother of my 2 children passed away in 2016, my mother moved in with us. My mother helped raise my daughter(16 now) and my son(15 now) for almost a decade. My mother was more than just my best friend, she was my only friend. i have complex PTSD, and she was the only one that i trusted enough to talk about the war with… she went with me to the VA, when i had to. she gave me strength, she always seemed to understand things that other people either couldnt or didnt want to understand… my dog died about a month before my mother did… 2022 has taken a lot from me and my 2 children… they saw her as a mother, as much as me… i go from feeling numb to feeling deep sadness and loss… i don‘t want to give up, but i always needed her support. she died from cancer, after being on immunotherapy for 2 years… she suffered from many side effects, for most of her treatment. she became so thin near the end that it was painful to see her like that… i was with her until the end, and it may sound strange but i held her for some time after she died and just sobbed onto her… i talk to her still thst she is dead for months, but i still wake up thinking that she is alive… i beli my mother is in heaven, but selfishly i just want my mom back… i miss my only friend… i miss the only selfless person that i ever met… i feel so empty, and i did not think that id feel so lost… she gave me direction when i didnt know what to do… i hope this posts, it does give comfort to know that i am not a

Hello all... thanks for all the kind words. I am still trying to struggle through the day. Somedays I am ok, but others not that great. It was her birthday on October 20th. She would have been 64 or "39" as she would have said. We went to the park and fed the ducks... she always liked to do that. I also brought daisys and popped the tops off and placed them in the water. I miss the way that I would call her and she would be willing to go with me on what ever adventure I wanted to go on that day. She was always there for me. I know I am lucky to have a person like that and that it was my Mom, but it hurts no less. I am trying to build a new "normal". It is rough though because everything I do reminds me of her. I started to move around furniture in our house and I was thinking that everything I touched we bought together. She was a great decorator and I have no decorating sense at all. I just wonder when the feeling that I am completly lost and alone will go away. The holidays are coming and I hate it. I think we are going to plan a vacation at Christmas so I don't have to think about it. I don't know about Thanksgiving. Mom used to make the best mashed potatoes. This is so freaking hard. I think I am going to check into counseling again. It is so hard because I put on a strong face when I am out, but crumble when I get to my car or at home. I talk to my husband, but I don't think he really understands. What do you all do for the holidays?? Any ideas on how to get through them?

Thanks for hearing me out and sorry to all that I vented over missing plants. I am afraid that if trump loses this election that he will be out there trying to pick us off with his guns. He has already threatened us with his air rifle. Yeah, really. He is one of those most unhappy men who carries his own anger at himself all balled up within and takes it out on innocent others. Sorry all and thanks for listening. I have never been so at odds with anyone ever in my whole life. So supremely uncomfortable. I have always tried to avoid him for the 20 years he has been next door. He was always spewing hate and anger and he was a stay at home drunk all that time. He got sober. He has become vocal and intolerable in the wake of the recent years. I will leave it be now. sorry