Hey, girl, good to hear from you! I admire your bravery on the orchid. With the great advice I know is available on GW, the actual caring for it is no longer intimidating to me, but I have yet to see one that looks like it could make the trip home. They just look SOOOO fragile and delicate. I'd say the hard part's over for you, especially since you were already NOT killing the one you had before. Good luck!

Kristi, this time will pass, and the pain will become more barable as it becomes more distant from the hearing of it. IN the meantime, spend as much time with the growing plants as you can. They are the antithesis of untimely and unfortunate death. And remember how much that is alive and good you have around you...your beautiful household companions, your "date", your friends. Spring is probably here for you though it seems on hold for many of us (Likely snow tonight and blossoms a month late from the usual here!) Spring is all about renewal and new chances...grow into it, let go of the past sadness and revel in the spring and sunshine and new growth. It is hard to be sad when seeds are sprouting all around and flowers are budding! My glorious show of winter blossoms is almost over too. I think I am down to 15 buds at various stages, but I did have atleast one flower from almost everything. I seem to have a lot of non descript pale red and white ones that I can not identify.They look like Minerva's anemic country cousins! I finally figured out that they were the ones that were in the Jackson and Perkins basket of Amaryllis I had sent to my Mom the last year she was with us (2002. She had had a stroke but she still enjoyed watching those amaryllis grow and after Dad moved to a nursing home he sent the basket home with me. For 3 years they would pop into bloom just when I most missed Mom and I got to feeling that they were messages from her. They look so subdued though, I think they must have had more light before. They had multiplied in the basket over the 3 yrs and I ended up with 5 of them blooming over the past few weeks. One of these days I will get their pic into photobucket. (That seems to be one of my least favorite ways to spend my time.)

Beautiful blooms! I really like RIDERS ON THE STORM , and I agree that your MILDRED MITCHELL clump is stunning! I have that one too, but it has only had a few ugly blooms in a four year period for me. Yours gives me inspiration to move it one time before moving it completely out of the garden. Thanks! Julie

Dearest Karen, I am just so concerned about you, Ray and the children. I remember the times you wrote about how Ray had built your beautiful house for you and the children from the grounds-up, how you too spent hours making the long drive back & forth to Sydney for Ray, and how Ray wanted so much to be home with you and the family in spite of the terrible pain, weakness and fatigue it would take to endure the 16 hour drive back and forth each weekend instead of staying at the hospital like all seriously ill patients would. And the fact that Ray is building that dam for you to me is the evidence that he still loves you deeply-a man's way of saying it. Karen, I think that there is that bond between you and Ray, but the stress of illness especially hurts a man because many men have difficulties expressing their fears and hurt and anger-- a sick partner needs to feel needed. All men need to feel needed, appreciated, and wanted for the relationship to work. Karen, I can promise you that absolutely no relationship can last with the amount of time you are now spending with the roses; a man such as my James would have left long, long ago. Time together is crucial for bonding and intimacy. The more time you are away at the rose societies and the non-local shows that you have told me about, the greater the strain in a marriage. You see a few people here may have a few hundred roses but they do not have the thousands or the huge spread of land that you have--acres and acres to take care of, plus! you also have that additional greenhouse where you have other young seedlings and cuttings cultivated at. All this is draining away all your time. The only people who have thousands of roses like you are longtime nursery owners and they have hired help. You belong to 3 American forums and HMF, and then there is the Australian forum. I can't stress how important it is for you to start remembering the good times and the efforts that you and Ray made together in the past and in raising Corrinne. Karen I must share with you how dangerous addictions can be. I have had a very serious addiction to workaholism. Because of my learning disability I had to work 20x harder than anyone else to finish my homework but I demanded perfection and demanded to do really outstanding at school as well--and I had to check my work over and over again to make sure I wasn't making mistakes, I had terrible social skills and communication skills, and all this led to serious self-esteem issues. I could only feel happy when I was working and when I did well at school and at work. And if neither went exactly as I demanded I was absolutely crushed and depressed. Work and excelling was the only thing that made me happy because I had such bad self esteem. Workaholism, like any addiction, will destroy relationships. It was not until my learning disability was diagnosed that I suddenly realized what I must do to change harmful patterns of behavior and compulsions to overdo, over-obsess, over-worry and basically work myself to death. Counseling is so important for those like us who have addictions, whether it is roses or workaholism, drug addictions, we need an objective support system to keep us on the right path. I have to constantly dedicate time to take care of and sort out my own inner issues. There is a wonderful book called Just Enough and about being content with what we have so that we can enjoy fulfilling lives to our family and to society. Karen, you have one of the most beautiful gardens already. You don't need any more roses for the next 2 years. But to do such a drastic cutdown would be too much of a shock for someone like yourself, so I would say try limiting yourself to 10 last roses for this year, one rose society meeting per month, meeting with one rose friend once every 2 weeks, and visiting an outside garden about once a month, ONLY IF YOU AND RAY are able to spend at least one special outing in the week together, just you and Ray. It is important that you and Ray have alone time. Every night you need to have a quiet time together, when the kids are asleep--instead of being online, spend that time with Ray. Maybe you can read a favorite thriller novel to each other before going to sleep. The time with Ray must be totally separate from the garden and separate from the roses. It could be going camping, going sailing.. Karen a counselor can try to help you come up with creative ideas to bring back magic into your relationship. But it's not just a matter of magic but of time! Not spending time with one's partner is a way of saying that you don't love them anymore and there is only so much rejection and hurt a partner can take. Please don't take that week apart from Ray. The moment you are dropping off the girls' to your parents' house is one of the few special chances that you can spend that time alone with Ray. Karen that one week you have is so crucial. This is what is called the "tipping point" when you have to make a very important choice!!! Don't let this chance slip away. Ask Ray if he doesn't like the coast, then where would he like to go with you! Karen, remember, critical sickness can change one's mind. I have heard of people who never appreciated the outdoors until they got deathly ill, then all of a sudden, sunsets seemed more beautiful, all that, one never knows. You have to ask Ray, never-ever assume anything. ASK him! You need that time for you and Ray to have the privacy to work out and talk out your struggles and to share with each other. Do you remember our wonderful Harold? When Adele got sick, he stopped caring for the roses to take care of her. You need to take care of Ray, just as Ray needs to take care of you as a mother to your older daughters. Remember this is about mutual support and chances to rebuild damaged relationships and finding common grounds. Karen on a happier lighter subject had I the brains I would have loved to have been an architectural engineer. Perhaps if I had been younger and had my learning disability diagnosed when I was a child I could have taken this up. If Ray loves building things and one of your older daughter's has the interest, maybe they can share learning mechanics and putting things together, that sort of stuff. Karen we are all Children of the Good Lord. We are here in this life to learn and grow and change. You say counseling will never work, but sometimes the addiction is too great to overcome on one's own. I am hoping that the prayers of Jim and Harold and everyone who is reading and seeing your struggles in your other forums will help pray that prayer of hope between you and Ray...Much love to you Karen, I am really praying hard that the Good Lord will bring healing for you both and that Ray can be that wonderful Dad to your older girls that he can be. All it takes is just one step, one step at a time. Don't let this chance slip away, Karen. All it takes is that one step. Please take that week to be with Ray...Many hugs, love and deep concern/sadness, Serena