End of my rope with dandelions in my yard, but I need my mulch!
wertach zone 7-B SC
12 years ago
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dchall_san_antonio
12 years agoJoe1980
12 years agoRelated Discussions
Vanguard V-Twin Briggs problem - reaching the end of my rope
Comments (29)I realize that this is an older thread, but thought that there is some information that might be valuable as I've looked for solutions to problems that archival information has been helpful. 1. Carbs this small [small pilot/main jets, emulsion tubes...] are HIGHLY sensitive to contamination. I have a step-through scooter, Yamaha V-50 that I had to go through the carb several times to get clean. Each time I'd think "I just cleaned that", yet, stuff in the carb/jets was the problem. Maybe taken apart and cleaned 4-5 times before all the junk got cleaned out. 2. B&S recommend that the valves be adjusted yearly. Air cooled engines move [expand/contract] more than liquid cooled engines. VW engines should have valves adjusted every oil change [3,000 miles/5,000 Ks], probably not a bad idea for these as well [yearly/oil change]. 3. With seasonal usage, there are a lot of things that can happen over the non-used down time, condensation in the fuel, dead fuel, varnish in the fuel system, rust and corrosion of the fuel system, rust and corrosion of the ignition system. Drain fuel, clean and put up properly, don't just park it. 4. Start with the basics, fuel, fire, compression. A world of wisdom on this forum, in this thread alone, something like "solve a mountain problem one hill at a time", that's pure gold....See MoreUGHHH...at the end of my rope!
Comments (1)I'll ask this directly: Does this particular SD (or her absentee mother, your husband etc.) have problems w/alcohol or other drugs? Because it sounds like it. If so, get yourself to Alanon asap. It can help. I really can appreciate your sensible efforts to detach from her destructive manipulations ( I especially applaud your insistence that she be removed from any financial entanglements w/you). And I can relate to your re-attaching to her via rescuing - although I'm no longer a rescuer. Thank God and a tremendous amount of help and hard work on my part. I think what will help your own distress/resentment (and up the ante for her to grow up) is for you to detach yourself entirely from this person and allow her to hit bottom. There are thrift shops in many towns that cater especially to expectant mother's and children; she can outfit herself w/maternity clothing there. There are soup kitchens too. Or perhaps she can consider joining a church and asking for help w/her problems. My point is, she's an adult. It's respectful to treat her as an adult. No matter what. If you are concerned about the unborn child's well being, bring her a small bag of healthy groceries once a week. Maybe she'll eat healthy food, or maybe she won't. Don't give her ANY money for food or anything else. You say that you'd do the same for your own children. I assume you mean you'd help if they were married and gladly expecting a child and were behaving like adults. What parent wouldn't want to help in those circumstances?! This is not the same circumstance. Moreover, you're sending a poor message to your own children by enabling her pathetic behaviors. And that message could have serious ramifications for them/you. What you are doing by saying "no" and then contradicting your 'no' by shopping for her (etc.) is not legitimately helpful. It's enabling damaging behavior and creating confusion and resentment. You are not helping her, you're hurting her, yourself, your family and your marriage. So stop it. And if your husband continues? Let him. Don't enable him either. He wants to take her shopping for club style maternity wear? Let him. Just make certain that your own financial interests are protected in this arrangement. And keep it aboveboard .. let him know that you will be protecting yourself financially. And then protect yourself financially. Notice how much he does/doesn't do when you back off. I suspect he'll enable less if you're not filling in for him as enabler. Ideally, she'll relinquish her child for adoption, since neither she nor the boyfriend are capable of bringing up at child at this point in time. Since there's a snowball's chance in you know what that she'll do that - and since there's a terrific likelihood that you'll be expected to raise their child - I would focus my efforts on making clear your intentions on that score immediately - if not sooner. Hope you find some help in what I've offered. I know that detaching lovingly from a sick situation can feel psychically backbreaking. And, it's so worthwhile. Keep asking for help. I hope you get many replies to your request for assistance/clarification. And I hope you hang in there and avail yourself of the wisdom you'll be given to consider....See MoreAt the end of my rope...
Comments (43)Referring back to the original post, I do think that what tholbrook's SD did ---lying to authorities about her Dad & SM in a potentially very damaging way--- was terrible. It absolutely must be made clear to her that such behavior is unacceptable and that there will be serious consequences when it happens. But I think where you're hearing some divide is over what exactly those consequences should be. Some think it means SD should be banished from the house forever. I and a few others disagree with that. At least at this point. Yes, what SD did was extreme... but it must be properly understood and dealt with for what it was. Everyone on this board I think can more or less agree that she did it for negative attention. Some see that in itself as an offense, the needing of attention. Others see it as a call for help or some other means of resolving the situation. Here's what I think could be appropriate consequences for what she did: -make her write a formal apology letter to the authorities, admitting she lied and apologizing for wasting their time. (If she lies again to them in the future, have her next apology published in the local newspaper.) -make her volunteer every single weekend in a battered women's shelter for a while so she sees what abuse actually looks like and that it's not a thing to lie about. make her tell the employees at the shelter why she's there volunteering so they can help educate her. -make her do her own documentation every day that abuse is not taking place. have her photograph her arms, legs, face and neck every day with the absence of bruises and maintain a folder on the computer with these photos. have her conduct her own daily search of the house, corner to corner and write down every detail in a notebook. -buy her a big fat textbook on abuse and neglect and have her read it cover to cover and quiz her on it. Make the questions as picky as you wish. Until she gets 100% answers correct she will have to re-read the book and be re-quizzed on it every week. -make her go to counseling. make her keep a journal about what she's learning about herself and her feelings and why she felt a need to lie. Don't read it, but set aside an alloted hour each week that she is to do nothing else but write in her journal. You can sit on one side of a big room like the living room while she sits and writes on the other side, or in an adjoining dining room or whatever (so you're not on top of her but you can see if she's writing or not.) Whatever she wants, as long as she's writing something. even if it's total vitriol about you, it will at least be venting and purging it out of her. Then, later she can look at it and see how much anger she has inside and how upset it's making HER as well. -in the meantime, continue to treat her as you had in the past, without making any to-do or guilt trip over it, so that she can see how good she has it and how much of a hassle she caused for herself by lying about mistreatment. Teens will and do lie. Teens do crave attention. Many teens go through phases where they feel as though they absolutely despise their parents, even in the best of situations. Again, what tholbrook's SD did was beyond what the "average" teen might do. If I was in tholbrook's shoes, I'd be livid and deeply hurt myself. But again, the question is what truly is the most appropriate and effective way of dealing with what has been done. In my opinion, simply washing hands of her and shipping her off somewhere else is not going to solve the problem. And even if the thinking is it will at least get her out of your own hair, there is no guarantee that she won't continue to slander you from afar. I won't debate whether some people truly are just bad to the bone... I'm sure some are. (Hitler comes to mind.) But with a minor especially, it's more often the case that such extremes of behavior like this sort of lie is coming from a place of extreme fear, pain, desperation or emptiness. It may not even have anything to do with her parents, but something in her life is causing her to feel that such a lie was the only way to get some need of hers met. If you can try to see beyond your own hurt to see that and address it with SD, you may be able to have a positive impact on who she becomes as an adult, because she is very much still being formed... Basically she just needs to be shown that lying is no way to deal with your problems, and that there are consequences as well as alternatives. On the other hand, if OVER TIME and DESPITE YOUR BEST EFFORTS to talk to her and despite all warnings you give her of a specific appropriate consequence of her doing such a thing again she continues to do it, at that point the idea of switching houses might be in order. But it should be an absolutely last resort, and I think at least her dad (if not you too) should try and maintain some amount of neutral contact with her throughout....See MoreAt the end of my rope
Comments (15)Titan, We never involved the kids in our counseling. To be very honest, I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. My DH would not ever stand up to his adult kids. The SS lived w/ us while in H.S. then for all college breaks. He promised to work for us, getting our office on computers, etc, but never showed. The deal was a car for him and guess what? DH went out and bought it anyway, despite our trying at that point to get our house under construction and having no extra money whatsoever. Nowadays, we're financially crippled by a fire two years ago, but does that stop DH from continuing to pay for three cars, three cell phones, three more health insurances, etc. for THREE adults? Nope. My necessities (paying down credit cards maxed out from the fire and a crooked contractor, any luxuries I once had) would be put on the back burner so that he could continue to play a Rockefeller to these adults who have the most amazing sense of entitlement. Yes, I blame these kids. They know how we've struggled to get this house built and try to keep our practice going after the fire at our office. We have a hearing on 9/11 that will hopefully force the ins. co. to pay. However, I blame my husband for never, ever saying "no" to those skids. I mean, the son has been on the run after failing/dropping out of college in his 6th year (at a private univ.) We paid for the first four years, he took student loans out for his fifth, and I cosigned for him to get another student loan to finish up. Despite DH sending him car $ each month, SS had the car repo'd. Instead of handing him a bus pass, DH moved heaven and earth to get the darned car back. Then he said to his son, "Finish school or get a job..." but SS took off rather than join the work force or finish school, if it was an option. I'm stuck w/ the GSL and we finally got the car back a few mos. ago, but have a neg. equity and it's sitting here - can't get rid of it. Then, in Nov, DH tells me his DD is moving in. I say that I don't think it's a great idea, etc. Then, as the MOVING van is pulling up, tells me basically that she's here for 3 mos. It turned into 8 and I was at the end of my rope. He was doing the same thing w/ her that he did w/ his son - never allowing them to stand on their own two feet. So, rather than divorce (we have three little boys) I gave counseling a try. The skids were pretty awful at times, but it was my DH who was allowing them to be so - he never put his foot down (unless that 'work or finish school' is doing that - I don't even believe he said that much - SS is gay, living off a boyfriend, hiding from us and the real world...) So, I went into counseling thinking it wouldn't work, but the woman was fantastic and basically told DH that he wasn't helping them out in the long run, that he needed to be a united front w/ me, that he could no longer operate financially independent of me (all assets are in my name, we are both dentists, I own the practice though it was his once - he lost a lot in his divorce, no credit, etc.) She also helped him w/ dialogue to get his adult kids to be independent, establish their own credit, though we're still working on that. I'm happy for SD being out of the house as I was the maid, the cook, etc. for her and while I don't believe DH wanted it that way, he never saw it until the therapist helped open his eyes. He also has always been afraid to alienate the kids w/ any form of discipline. So, the counseling helped us to get on the same page. We're far from perfect, but I was so unhappy a few months ago when I first came here that I was seriously considering moving out of the dream house I sacrificed so much to build. Give it a try. Your wife needs to hear all about correct parenting from an impartial third party. Dana...See MoreKimmsr
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12 years agoJoe1980
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