Okay, maybe the Deere didn't actually WIN, but I made the ZTR owner think it did. Just a little practical joke, but one that might bite me in the you-know-what. This story has a little humor in it, but might be too long for some, so now's a good time to bail out.

My neighbor, a big burly farmer, bought a new ZTR last weekend, and dropped several hints that perhaps I should abandon my old STX38s (I have two of 'em) and join the modern world. There is about 150 yards between our houses, most of which is a vacant lot that I own. Although it's just native grass and weeds, I keep it mowed.

This morning I saw my neighbor sitting proudly on his new machine, pedal to the metal, making a quick job of mowing his lawn. Now, his grass - and mine - was 6 - 8 inches high due to recent rains. As he mowed, the machine left rows of cut grass - almost enough to bale When I saw him leaving in his truck, my fertile (small, perhaps, but fertile) brain hatched a plot.

Using newly-sharpened Gators, I quickly mowed about 50 yards of my place. Then I ran over it two more times to disperse the clippings. It still wasn't clean enough, so I used my vacuum-type mulcher to pick all the grass. The area was beautiful; from a distance, it could have been a golf course. I parked the little Deere at the edge of the area that I had mowed, then puttered around in the yard until I saw my neighbor's truck headed up the road.

I quickly dashed out and started the Deere, pretending that I was mowing. When he stopped in his driveway, I drove over next to the property line and signalled for him to come over, which he did.

After the usual pleasantries, I remarked that I had seen him on his new ZTR. He beamed. I stepped over to one his clippings rows and scattered it, saying, "I bet your new mower will do really well ... when the grass is shorter." As his face flushed, I stepped back into my own property and quickly scattered the one small heap of clippings that I had planted there. He looked at my golf course, then back to his yard. Several times in fact.

Do you remember how the comic-book character, Dick Tracy, when taken by surprise, used to say "What th ...!" I always did wonder what the omitted word was. Now I know. Speechless at first, the neighbor finally found voice: "What th _____!" I won't tell you what the word is, but apparently most standup comedians think it's the funniest word in the English language. The fact that I've never heard Bill Cosby use that particular word tells me that he must not be a true comedian.

The capacity for speech now fully restored, my neighbor demanded: "Did you mow that with your old John Deere?"

Now, here's a little touch I really like; my casual response was "Well, you can tell I didn't borrow your ZTR." He continued, "Don't that thing just barely run anymore?" "Don't that thing" should have been "Doesn't that thing," but since he had just recovered from a state of speechlessness, I let it pass.

"Yeah," I said, "It doesn't do a very good job any more," and climbed aboard my little green machine.

"I'll be _______!" he nearly shouted. "I'm taking that ______ thing back!"

Here I delivered another smooth little touch: "Will you need help loading it, or do you think it can pull itself up the ramps into the truck?" Nice, huh? And cut him to the quick.

I fired up the Deere and headed back to the house, so I could report the episode to my lovely wife. "That really wasn't nice," she said, "And he's putting the ramps up to the bed of his truck. You go over there right now and tell him what you did."

"Not now," I said, "He's still ____ (angry)." "NOW!" she shouted; "If you wait until he gets it loaded, he's liable to beat the crap out of you."

Bravado talking (me): "I'd like to see him try!"

Common sense talking (her): "Oh, yeah. He's 25 years younger, 6 inches taller, 50 pounds heavier, and his biceps are as big as your thighs!"

Me, faltering: "I think I can outrun him."

Her: "Sure, sure. I'll call 911 when the race starts."

So I went over and confessed. I figured we'd have a good laugh, then sit down by his pool and have a brew. I miscalculated. Saying not a word, he jerked the ramps away from the truck and threw them about 300 yards down to his barn. Okay, maybe not 300 yards, but a lot farther than Schwarzenneger could have done on his best day.

I discreetly started home, and tossed back a feeble "See ya."

Me, to wife: "I thought he'd take a joke better than that."

Wife: "Well, now aren't you glad you didn't sneak over and write S E X in his lawn with high-nitrogen fertilizer, like you talked about a couple of weeks ago?"

A small fire started in my brain. I must have paled somewhat, because The Wife, suddenly concerned, said, "What in the world is the matter? Do you have any pain in your arm? Are you short of breath?"

I didn't respond. Suddenly a look of cognizance came across her face. "You didn't! Did you?"

If you never see old javert on the forum again, you can guess that either my neighbor or that darned rattlesnake in my barn got me.