Thank you for letting us know how you are Kim. You had to try,and you'll keep trying until you hit on the right thing and if there is one thing we all know,is that you will. KJ's wonderful poem seems so appropriate right now.

And so we are given hearts which can be broken.
And minds which may be twisted.
But, we are also given a window called Hope,
A quiet corner filled with Imagination,
A cool brook for Healing
And fresh breezes known to us as Friends.

We love you

Just hold on to our hands, Kim, and we'll see you thru this weedy patch on your path. All of us are pulling for you. josh

Thanks for posting, Kim. We do love you and care about you and you matter.

We will always be here for you, friend.

OUCH!!!! And that's a big ouch, Kim. I had hoped, as I know you had, that by now there might be a change for the better. How frustrating it must feel to you to think of all you have endured only to feel as if you've gotten nowhere on this regimen.
Kim, I hope the visit to the doc tomorrow yields some kind of help for you. My heart is with you.

Are MOAI's steroidal in nature? If so, that would explain a lot.

If the meds are steroidal, that would explain a lot. I got ONE shot when I first had Lyme arthritis really bad. I snapped at everybody for everything - like breathing too loud or something. It took 4-6 weeks for it to wear off and I slept only about an hour a night, five minutes at a time. Hope your doc can find an acceptable alternative. Hugs and hand-holding going out to you.

I can't begin to imagine what you're going thru, but here's one more voice that's thinking positive thoughts and sending lots of sunflowers in your direction.

Kim, i hope the doctor can adjust your meds so you aren't feeling so awful. Sending you loads of sunflowers that you're going to pull through all of this.

I'm sitting here checking into the GP and thinking about you, Kim. This is a rotten thing you're going through and I hope your doc has something to offer that will help you.

Here's my hand...and here's a hug (((K))) and here's a smile :-)

That part (your true essence) that is observing is the place to operate from. It is also the receiver of the good thoughts and prayers that we send. Being "in the the moment" is tuning into the inner observer. More good thoughts to you.

Hey girl!

Sorry to hear that it didn't work out. That's the only class i haven't tried, but i've long since given up on pharmacology. THe best i ever got was numb, which is nice in a crisis, but gets old real fast. Paxil made me real hateful like that, bupropion (wellbutrin, zyban) had me LOOKING for a fight.

Have you tried any of the cognitive or rational-emotive therapies? I couldn't find an actual THERAPIST (i hate that word, i always see 'the rapist')that does it, but i could recommend some books that helped me.

Even the heaviest black-ice glacier WILL recede eventually, and may even leave something on your landscape besides rocks.

e me if you want.

lynnie b

Did you tell your doc how bad you are feeling? I just thought I was a little grumpy for a couple of weeks until one day I realized that thinking of killing someone was not a good thing (I still believe they deserved it for being such stinkers!) but that was not my normal mode of thought. Boy did he change my meds when I told him!! This is really the pits isn't it! Hang in there it will get better. I promise, IT WILL GET BETTER!!

The doc was shocked to hear how the stuff was affecting me, and wanted to add another med to the mix to adjust my mood. I told him no, I wanted off. He said that meant going back to the old stuff (SSRIs) and I said fine, just get me away from the MAOIs. I haven't done Zoloft yet, so that's where we're going this time, after another drug-free week wash out period.

I miss my old doctor. (He died.) I just don't have the strength of will right now to play musical doctors to see if I can find another one like him. At least the one I'm going to is better than using my family doctor, which is what I was doing immediately after my first doctor's death. I'd love to try the docs at Hershey Medical Center, which isn't too far away from here, but it's just outside the cutoff line for my healthcare provider's network, and I can't afford to pay for out-of-network care. Similarly, although Temple or one of the other Philadelphia university hospitals would probably be in the network, a 90 minute drive monthly is just too intimidating a thought. So I'll make do with what I have and get through the best I can.

I've been hoping that I could find some medicine that could help me get strong enough to manage the problems in my life on my own, but apparently that's not going to happen, so I'm starting to take what steps I can to get help. There are support groups meeting daily in the area, and I plan to attend as many meetings as I can manage - at least several a week if not daily. Therapy is cost-prohibitive, but you'll be hearing from me about those books, Lynnie. (Great to see you, btw!)

You folks are the best. Thank you is never enough, but it's the best I can do.

Practicing medicine without a liscense, but I've been there. When I could not tolerate SSRI's because of side effects etc tried various things unsuccessfully. Now am taking gabapentin/ neuronton. This is not an antidepressant it is a mood stabiliser. In effect it does not make you feel good but kind of keeps you from feelling bad. One good thing about it is it works FAST. No waiting around for months thinking well maybe I feel a little better.

I really relate to the thing about not wanting to take medicine. Try and keep in mind the insalin arguement that if you were diabetic you would not feel well really I should be able to do without this insalin. If it were not some kind of chemical inbalance in your body the drugs would not fix it. There is nothing wrong with you as a person. It is just like a gallbladder or something.

Hang in there.

shadow makes an important point here...this is in illness just as diabetes is, as cancer is etc, it's unfortunate that your kind of illness rarely gets the attention it should, hardly any parity with other in the eyes of the Health Insurance Industry etc.

You are a valuable and good person, Kim. This is not a fault of character, it's not something you just "get over". You deserve the best of attention.

You matter, Kim. And we care about you.

Sheila.

Don't ever forget that, Kim.

Kim, nice to see you posting here and there. I hope your weekend is working to be a decent one.

Sheila

Will be thinking of you this next week, Kim. Seems like one step back I know but you've been so strong...you're going to get thru this. Sending sunflowers to you... josh

Kim, I haven't been visiting the GW very much lately and missed your original post. Just wanted to say that I am thinking of you and hope that you do find the right meds.

Sometimes it does take a while, but hopefully you will get the right prescription and will feel an improvement.

Kim, I've been in ETX for a couple of weeks and was glad to hear from you as i got back. I'm sorry about your setback. I'm glad you're not going to take the MAOI,s. Just my opinion but i've never known anyone including myself thats ever done very well on them.
The anger and frustration you described is exactly what i've been going through too and i was never like this untill this last year.

Endorphan asked about steroids. I have'nt been home long enough to look anything up but am pretty cetain MOAI,s don't have steroids. Am wondering have you taken any for joint pains recently. I took some for bursitis twice before i had the anger issues. Something we need to look into.

This anger has been terrible for me,i'd rather have the plain depression,that way i just hate myself and not the world.We have to keep reminding ourselves this is chemical imbalance and this too shall pass.

Now hopefully i have some good news maybe. On my way out to ETX I grabbed my mail but did'nt read it untill i got to TX, in it was my Science News paper. There was an article about an herb from Siberia, Rhodiola rosea that the soviets have been studying since the 40,s and gave to all their cosmonots and olympic athletes. It appearantly boosts the bodys responce to stress
recent studies on people shows it can boost mental performance,reduce fatigue, and ease depression,
The first thing i did next day was to find a health food store and i bought some and have been taking it since. The anger is gone and i'm not as depressed. Don't know if it's due to the herb or vacation,but i'm definately better.
I'll go to Science News and return here to post a link and my access # so you can read it.
vickie

Rhodiola_Rosea.

I haven't heard of it before. Interesting.

Um, just a reminder, but it's not always best to mix herbs with pharmeceutical drugs. There may be unpredictable interactions.

I agree endorphan about mixing drugs thats why i want to look up everything i can on the herb. and was'nt going to post anything about it untill i did but Kim needs something to hold on to and i thought this might be hope. It was for me,most i've had for years. I quit taking prozac abt a month ago.
I'd never heard of this herb either. When i saw the article in Science News. I was surprised as i don't remember them ever having an article on herbs before. They're not anything but a science magazine.

Here is a link to the article. I tried 4 times to link this but was refused each time,maybe someone else will have better luck. the link addy is http;//sciencenews.org/articles/20070922/bob8.asp

sorry i could'nt link it. Name of article is Warming to a Cold War Herb.
vickie

Science News

Soviet secret finds its way west

Brian Vastag

Here is a link that might be useful: Warming to a Cold War Herb

That does look both fascinating and promising... but you're absolutely right about not mixing the pharmaceuticals and herbals. If the Zoloft is a bomb, too, I may just have to see if I can find this stuff.

For the moment, things are going quite a bit better. I've only been on the Zoloft for a week, so I can't credit that, but it's not doing any harm that I can tell, either (the way Cymbalta did). My attending the support group meetings caused some other more personal things in my life to change as well, and whole aspects have taken a turn for the better. I'm hoping that I'm out of the woods for now. And I have all of you to thank for all the hands that reached out to keep me from getting lost.

Good to hear from you, Kim. Encouraging news. I hadn't realized you were going to a support group meeting...I'm a big believer in those. Even if there are times when you don't personally need help there will always be someone who does and being there for them is important to everyone.

I'm proud of you, Kim:)

Kim that is great news! Yea! I hope your life becomes as even keel as it can. Awesome to hear, really.

Ah, this is such good news to hear. I'm glad sunshine is beaming on you again. Just enjoy the warmth and enjoy life. I know you'll be working on those few dark corners still around but I hope you can stay "centered" in the sunlight.

Sweet dreams to you, night and day. josh

that is great news, Kim. Thanks for updating us. Hope you keep healing.

Another thanks for the update Kim.Group therepy has always been a big plus for me too. It's always a plus to hear someone say that they had a certain feeling and you realize that you are not that differant and can go on from there and talk things out to help solve a problem. SO GLAD you are doing better.
My thoughts are with you.

Thanks Don for putting the link on for me. I know it's my MSN2 thats causing my problems. Sometimes i can link away, the next day....nothing. I need to get another one as i've had obvious problems from the start but i keep putting it off. Forgive my getting off the subject.
vickie

Very encouraging news Kim, I'm glad to hear you're feeling a bit better. I found the group therapy sessions to be very helpful - a combination of knowing that I wasn't alone in my situation and the support of others and having someone to bounces thing off of. One on one therapy is quite expensive but as I've said many times before therapy is the best money I ever spent....it literally gave me my life back. After I worked on the behaviors and old patterns that had plunged me into depression in the first place I was able to finally get off medication. There is light at the end of tunnel I promise you. It's very difficult to believe when you're in the throes of depression, and sometimes you have to take it on faith.

Wise words, Suzanne.