Dear Deb, My heart goes out to you as you try to belileve in a life after this one. My faith was stringhtened by being with my Momma when she died. Not because I was just with her. But because I witnessed something I can not explaine, to myself or to others. I was sitting on the sofa that day and I noticed that my Mom's breathing was odd. They call it 'fish out of water breathing'. It went on for a while and we could not get her to rouse up or respond in anyway. We knew it was her time to pass and my sister and I sat on either side of her, each holding a hand. Just before she died she opened her eyes, focused on something over our sholders and shook off our hands, and raised her arms, then in weakness her arms fell down, once more before her very last breath she shook off our hands and reached up her arms, like a small child asking to be held, her eyes opened and tears sprung into them, she had a look of complete surprise, then she smiled a small smile and exhaled. That was it, she was gone. I looked at my sister and said 'did you see that too'? And my sister said she had. I was stunned. My Momma saw something or someone I could not see. I remember looking back over my sholder to see what she was looking at. I know she was reaching up to hold someone, she was happy to see them. Was it my Dad who had died a year before, or her parents who had been gone many years? I guess I will not know who came to get her until I see her again... I only know without doubt that my Mom died in front of me and she went from our hands into the arms of someone unseen by us. I believe it was my Dad. That expierence changed me and gave me a stringth in my faith like nothing else I have expierenced so far in my short 50 years. So I can tell you without doubt, I know there is another life beyond this life. I hope this can help you. I do not tell this to many people because in the retelling with just mere words, I can not convey the awe, or magnitute of the expierence itself. I pray that you will find comfort soon. For me, grief has been like the sharp edge of a knife that cuts away at my soul, and time has been the only substance that has been able to dull the edge of the knife. I send you love and positive energy for healing.

Thank you all of you. I felt like I had a virtual hug. Which I was in great need of. My husband and I had a very long talk last night. I said that I couldn't wait for the assessment anymore and that I would have to leave. I told him that I didn't think I could ever trust him around the baby, even with treatment. He asked me to wait until the assessment is done, which he will start this week. (I can not start it as only a parent can. He also has to get permission from the ex because of joint custody). He doesn't want to send him back to his mom right now because she may not get him the help there and he will only get in more trouble. He promised to never leave the baby alone with the ss even for a minute. I gave the cat away because I wanted him to have a better life. I can't watch the baby, the cat, and the ss 24 hours a day. My DB promised that if the psychologist says that he is a threat to our daughter or myself that he will go back to his mom's immediately for treatment there. I told my DB that if I saw any aggression toward my daughter that I would leave immediately with her and he could sort the rest out. My DB still feels that his son would not hurt anyone. If you met him you would think that to. He is a very nice looking, charismatic kid. He has learned how to manipulate quite well for his age. You would never suspect that this charming kid would do anything seriously wrong. The plan is: The assessment will be done next week if possible and I will be included in any talks that take place about the ss with them. Either in person or through three way calling. My ss will be grounded to his bedroom, the kitchen and the living room and he will have to ask to go anywhere else. That way we will know where he is at all times due to the fire issue. My DB will be more strict in the discipline issue with him. I have to buy a door alarm for my daughters room that would ring off only in our room if anyone went in through out the night. Otherwise I have to sleep in her room with her.(Which I have done on occasion. We do have a regular baby monitor in her room. But the ss said that he would sneak into her room) We may have to get a nanny cam so when he is in the basement playing we will know if he is playing with matches. This is just a band-aid solution until we can get the assessment done. I just have a very hard time having him anywhere close to my daughter. I just want to scream 'get away from her'. I don't know how we are going to do this long term. We may just have to have him in activities all summer, all the time so he his hardly home. Thank you again to everyone for your advice and wishes. I will let you know how it turns out. And if there is anything I haven't thought of please let me know.

Finedreams said: "I am so with TOS on this. CPs do not have any excuses: oh I am not going to feed my children today because I don't make enough. they go and get second jobs, borrow money or go into debt. Nobody cares if CPs make enough money. NCPs have a great excuse: oops, can't pay, have no money. I guess they knows CPs would still feed the children. How convenient." I have to agree whole-heartedly on this. My X got laid off in February. He's made a few sporatic CS payments since, but is almost up to $3000 behind in payments. I work full-time and DS and I live with FDH. FDH has had to be the one to make up the differences in my finances. Granted, I feel blessed to have been getting anything at all when he could've just as well decided to not send a dime (he's done that before, too). But it's still a hardship we have been facing and has put FDH in a bind as well. One day X came over to deal with a situation regarding DS. After that was over, we were talking out in the front yard as X was about to leave. DS was inside playing video games so it was just FDH, X and I. X actually had the nerve to say, in front of FDH, "well I haven't been able to send any money because I've had to make sure my bills get paid first". If I was FDH, I would've decked him. Here is the bio-father telling the future step-father that he can't support his own son because he has to make sure his bills are paid, even though FDH is the one taking up the slack. To me, it was a slap in the face to FDH. But when I asked FDH about it later, he said it didn't bother him because he knows how X is. That situatuion just proves the above statement that NCPs have an excuse; no money, no CS. When am I or FDH ever able to make that excuse???? Never. I'd like to see him treat his credit card bill or his motorcycle payment with the same regard as his CS. He'd have them banging down his door. But FDH and I are expected to take it in stride and never ask about it lest we seem "greedy" or "money-hungry". There is a flip side to this also. When the Attorney General called us to mediation because it had been 4 years since the CS had been set and it was time for a modification, X had a fit and picked one fight after another with me. For 3 of the 4 years we had been divorced, he was making at least double the amount he was making when the divorce was finalized. I had no choice but to accept it and go on because, in our state, CS only gets modified every 3 years. So after the new CS amount was set, X told DS that he wasn't going to be able to be involved in DS's sports because he was going to have to have 3 jobs just to be able to make ends meet. Oh puuulease! He never even got a second one. As a matter of fact, he hadn't even been paying the new amount for 6 months before he lost his only job.

Well, I have to give credit when due.... BM did pay me for the dentist tonight. DH thinks she's afraid of me. I'll feign innocence because I don't think I'm intimidating at all. She towers over me and I guess because I don't back down from her and she's told my DH that to do the job I do, you have to be tough, she figures I am not someone she wants to mess with? She's walked all over DH for years, so she knows he's taken it and she continues to walk on him. He's stood up to her mostly since we've been together so she blames me for it, but it's really him. I am supportive and back him but he is tired of her crap.. more than I am, he's put up with it for so long. Whatever it is, she walked SD out to the car tonight and I told her I need the money for the dentist bill. She paused and said, 'do you have change for a hundred?' and of course, I don't carry cash. I told her no, but I'll be happy to go down the road, break it & bring her the change. She went back in the house & came out with $46 in bills (mostly $1's) & $2 in quarters. I don't care, it's cash. She was a dollar short but I was shocked she didn't whine about not having any money. (of course I was thinking... hmmm, she has $48 to give me but what about the $100 she wanted me to break? She promised DH $100 last week) He didn't want to ask her in front of SD I guess. I didn't want to push the issue in front of SD and since DH didn't say anything, I let it go too. Now that I think about it, maybe I should have been dealing with her directly every time I pay for her doctor and I could collect from BM instead of having DH send her the bills/receipts and relying on her to pay him to get my money back. She knows I am the one paying for it... but this is the first time I've asked her to pay her half directly to me. I don't care why she paid, just glad she did and no complaints...