Greetings fireman's wife, When a relative or friend jumps up and down with joy at becoming pregnant, especially if they've been trying for some time - you want to be happy with them, and in a way, you are ... but it leaves you feeling empty, as well. Added to the difficulty is that you pretty well have to hide your negative feelings at the time. That's when we get a shot at being an actor! As someone said, give yourself permission to cry, shout, scream, or whatever helps you alleviate the pain, at a later time, when the feeling returns. Sometimes a piece of music, or a movie may bring back the sadness strongly and that's the time to let your body, mind and heart do what it needs to, to mitigate/alleviate the pain. Also, one feels unfulfilled: one of the major purposes that one felt to be important in one's life can't be met. If someone cuts off your leg ... you can learn to navigate ... but when they take away your means of propagation ... you not only have to cope with being diminished ... you have to forego the possibility of extending, or multiplying yourself ... of leaving a human legacy. Can you and your husband have good heart to heart talks about this issue? Do you have a good friend who can empathise with your deep feelings? Who can walk with you through the dark valley of your disappointment, your frustration? How about a professional? Have you a connection with a faith professional person? Though some seem uninvolved, when one talks to them, and it doesn't go anywhere useful, many have had substantial training and varied experience and can help you work your way through your feelings and hurt to a measure of resolution of the issues. To help you feel better, long term. One of the major issues facing foster people who have yearned for a family of their own is the pain that comes when a child to which one has become attached is carried away some morning by the social worker, whether to reunite with parents or for whatever reason. The little one that you've come to love ... is gone. Leaving your heart ... empty (as far as that issue is concerned). After some such experiences, though, I think that you'd feel that, despite the pain at the end, that the situation had been worth it, both for the best interest of the rootless child and from your own viewpoint, as well. And, as someone said, often foster parents do adopt the children that they've been fostering. I think that adopting from offshore is a long, frustrating exsperience. And very expensive, as well. If you feel like talking - whenever you feel like it - feel free to come here to share. And if you'd like to write to someone on here privately, many of us have given permission to receive such emails via gardenweb, which can be done via our profile page. As you may recall, several of the KT folks tell of having talked to one another on the phone, and if you'd like to talk, I'm sure that a number would be pleased to talk that way: skype is helpful, as we can then look at the person as we talk. (((((fireman's wife and husband))))) ole joyful

It sure helps to vent, and what better place than here? You are trying so hard to be everything for everybody else that you've forgotten to look after yourself. Learn to say No now and then, and mean it. You might be a super woman, but Superwoman you aren't. So stop trying. Can you get occasional respite care for your mother? Try having a chat with the doctor, and the social worker at the hospital, or a local church or charity organisation. One day a week to yourself will be very rejuvenating for you. Pass the buck onto SIL if necessary. I have a friend who takes things on like you seem to, and people walk all over her with hobnailed boots. Now and then she remembers some good advice I gave her some time back - use the 'what if I were dead? ' tactic. In other words, if you got run over by a bus tomorrow, the world would still revolve, someone would step in to take over from you. They'd cope. So - sometimes, let 'em cope! Meantime, you need some free time, some space, and some freedom to live and breathe for yourself. You've earned that right.

I'm gathering pieces now...I don't think I'll be doing grout, though.. don't want the extra layer of insulation for heat, so I plan to paint it first, then do the scraps on it.. if anyone gets to this type of project before I finish... go for it...it would be fun to see other creations..lol I think this idea sortof evolved when I was at the Children's Hands On Museum in Olympia. there's a wall of pipes and corner pieces for the kids to put in a ball in a tube, that shoots up from pressure and is released to fall down the patterns the kids build.. not sure exactly how the two relate but I think it was because of the expanse of wall space for the kids to create something for the ball to find its way to the bottom.... somewhere there's a correlation..lol or my brain just sparks off in random ways! Becky .(*_*).

I found myself in this complex step family situation due to death not divorce, however, from what I hear ... the grieving process of a divorce is similar to that of the grieving process of a death. After extensive counseling ... the point they all seem to drive home is ... My life has changed, It is forever different. I am different now. I can never go back to the way it was. I accept this new life and make the best of it. My personal point ... What doesnt break you makes you stronger. It almost broke me ... I blew the scale off the stress charts ... In less then two and 1/2 years (just the HIGHLIGHTS in chronological order) ... I got married, I had my first child. Bought a new house. Just found out that second child was to be a Boy. Husband was killed in a car accident. Moved into a fixer upper my high-energy husband wanted. Roof leaked, needed new furnish, etc... Change of occupation (Over ten years experience programming computers for fortune 500 companies - to a full time stay at home single mom, that had never changed a diaper, until the birth of my first child). Gave birth to second child who had an undiagnosed ear problem (stupid doctor - I switched pediatricians). This child never slept more then one hour at a time until I had tubes put in his ears at 1 year. No one would keep him over night. I had to beg (which is very difficult for me) friends and family for a few hours once a week (if that often) so I could sleep. The sleep deprivation almost sent me over the edge. I found strength in my children. I forged on. Things got better. I now believe more in myself and my abilities. I am stronger now, an independent women and I have confidence that I can conquer any twists and turns life may throw my way. I have emerged with more confidence in myself and who I am. I realize that I will do anything for my children's well fare. Remember Lea, you beat the odds, you made it out of an abusive relationship. I admire you and your strength. Accept it. learn from it. Thank your parents for giving the brain power and instilling the strength in you to over come such a hurdle. Maybe some sort of volunteer work to help others in abusive relationship, might ease your sole. And Yes, writing just the highlights, still brings tears to my eyes.