You have just been introduced to the murder weapon of my 27 year marriage!

The time spent on line is time robbed from the family. It cannot be recovered or covered up. The people in the affair are so self-absorbed that nothing matters but 'being' together. Life changes for everyone involved.

There is no difference- it is an affair if they know eachother already, meet in a chat room, meet in person or not, have physical contact or electrophysical contact (think- "I get Playboy for the interesting articles(funny how mammaries are articles")), if either is married or not, lust all over their respective keyboards or not. It is breaking the shared trust of your vows.

In my case the trust and marriage were shattered into dust affecting each and every aspect of life the dust settled on.

I'm just sayin'...

Yet, after almost 7 years I almost never get upset about it, and I love the life I was able to cobble from all the shards of me I could find...

Jan

Jan,

I'm so sorry.
If this subject has been discussed here before, please accept my apologies.
I would never be so insensitive to open old wounds intentionally.

Again, I'm sorry.

Wanda

Wanda, you don't have to apologize for a good topic of discussion. Internet affairs are everywhere.

I just reread what I wrote and I realize it sounds really bitter. I am not bitter. If the break hadn't happened I would not be as happy and healthy as I am now. It was not fun at all in the beginning, yet I was able to get past most of the hurt, find the courage to move on(with a lot of support from the wonderful people here), be thankful that I am out of the depressive vortex things had become.

I hope others will respond to your post. I am interested in hearing the ideas anyone else has. BTW, I hate being a thread killer.

Jan, the new and improved version... :)

Two of my favorite people having a conversation..so I want to join in. I know 2 couples who met online and are now married and very happy but they didn't trash anyone with their relationship. Trashers are going to do it one way or the other whether it's online,or anywhere else so in my opinion it's easier to meet others online but where it goes from there is just the same as if you met in a bar,a church group,an exercise class or one of those ads in the newspaper.

Now for the important question. What the heck is Mexican train dominoes???

Just had to ad that trashing relationships don't have to be heterosexual. There have been several characters on this very forum who were users of the first order & managed to suck almost everyone in. It made me very wary of people who present personal problems to all & sundry. That's probably not the best way to be, but one or twice burned, I am forever cautious.

Internet relationships of the romantic/flirtatious kind are as valid as in-person trysts. When it involves a party of a relationship or marriage, it is just as Jan says.....at the least it robs the legitimate partner of attention and a commitment to work out kinks. They are not in any sense harmless.

As Marda says, people who are prone to trashing relationships will find a way to do it, online or not. But, online makes it so much more convenient and probably more exciting, because it becomes much easier for the perpetrators to hide their flaws until the other party is firmly entrenched.

Sexuality and intimacy is mental more than physical. I've heard professional people say that internet affairs are harmless flights of fantasy and that spouses or partners of parties who indulge in it should not feel threatened. Baloney. Harmless flirtations are a slippery slope. Sooner or later some incident will happen where one lets their guard down and suddenly you wonder how you got 'there'.

Jan, you are an amazing person. You survived a terrible betrayal and have made a good life for yourself. I think you're awesome, actually, and you look great after all that Taekwondo!

I've enver thought it was a very good idea to "hook up" on line. A friend of mine really thought she had found her soulmate online but when they finally met she was brought crashing down when he did not return her passion. Now this is a smart woman, a professor at Berkeley, and if this can happen to her, what is the result of folks with even less emotional sophistication than my friend? It took her a long time to recover from the pain of rejection.

I just reembered one of my students, a girl with a slight deformity and speech impediment who also thought she had found "love" online. You can imagine how this 18-year-old felt when she flew to another city to meet they guy who took one look and practically ran to get away from her. In the meantime her parents are arriving in the same city to retrieve her, so she is embarrassed again. And then a third time when she returned to school and her classmates had to deal with it, too. What a mess this has made of her life.

18 year old girls flying to meet strange men first encountered on the internet might be subject to predation as well. At 18 no longer a small child, but still young, foolish and pliable. If the guy had actually turned out to be 48 (apparently pictures were not exchanged) it might not have been all that different a situation than if she was 8 instead of 18. Pedophile stings shown on TV often have the lures represent themselves as teens.

I agree, bboy. I think this girl was actually lucky that her parents found out (they were told by one of her classmates who was very concerned about her) and were able to extract her from a complicated situation. Many young women, and probably boys, are not so lucky.

Sorry if this has strayed a bit from the OP.

I don't think you strayed at all from the OP. It's very pertinent. In the present when your physicians can't even share information with each other without a written consent form, the internet can be the ultimate breech of privacy. It can bring the worst dregs of society right into your children's playroom or the unibomber as close as your monitor as you bare your soul. I do believe however, that there isn't any reason it can't be a tool to find a mate or friend. I know more than one marriage where people found a compatible partner online. Simple geography in decades previous to these precluded that opportunity for many people.

I don't get paranoid about relationships on the computer. I have very good and real friends thanks to it, but your defenses against the worst elements it can bring are only as strong as your common sense. I'd hate to not have the internet. It opens worlds up and has been a very invaluable research tool for me, as well as an huge 24 hour library and entertainment source. Internet friends/lovers/workmates are like those in the days of pen and ink....only magnified. You can generally tell the "needy" of the internet over the course of time where internet friendships go, as well. They hang around until their situations change and they use you up, and then just disappear when they don't need a friend anymore. But then, that happens in real life as well sometimes.

Thanks so much to all of you regarding your views.

Jan,
No. I didn't find you bitter.
There probably isn't a topic on this forum that hasn't touched each of us in one way or another.
Personally, I try to never 'turn the knife.'
Again, no need to apologize.
I asked for views and you gave a very honest, personal one.

Marda,
The general consensus of the group expressed your same view...if someone's going to trash a relationship, they are going to find a way to.

The women seemed to be a bit stronger about it breaking the shared turst of vows.
That's not to say the feeling is this way for all, but within our group.

andie,
Thanks for your input.
I certainly share your feelings.
I have always looked forward to your sensible views on our topics.

suzy,
"Harmless flirtations are a slippery slope. Sooner or later some incident will happen where one lets their guard down and wonders how you got 'there'."
How true. How true.
Not only on the i-net but life in general.

bboy and pidge,
As you have stated, be as aware of your surroundings on the internet as you would meeting a 'stranger' in public.
Just because someone has been 'saying' what you want to hear doesn't mean this is the person they really are.

The guys in the group generally felt it would probably be easier for males to express their feelings in writing, not looking at the recipient, with their emotions/feelings, which goes back to what calliope said about sexuality and intimacy issues.

In life in general, reach out to others, whether on the internet or in person...just be very, very careful where it goes and don't jump (or be sucked in) too soon.

I have met some of my best gal friends on this very forum to whom I have been able to express life's deepest hurts, concerns, joys, and sorrows.

Marda,
This game is wonderful.
It can go fast or slow.
You can use strategy if you feel like thinking or not if you don't.
And, we ALWAYS have topics for discussion and lots of food to share.

Here is a link that might be useful: Mexican Train dominos