Squirrels have drunken party & destroy bird feeder

15 years ago

My sis is a wonderful person, a bit quirky at times but

she has a great sense of humor.

Last year the snails were eating her garden down to the

stems. She was going out after dark and hand picking the

darn things off and sending them to wherever dead snails go.

Someone mentioned to her that she should put out some snail

bait. Her daughter bought some and brought it home. Sis was

excited about getting rid of the snails but being the

curious creature she is, she took the cap off the container

and took a whiff. Then she read the directions. (Call 911

immediately if inhaled) this product can kill animals

birds etc., use with caution and only as directed. Just reading the

directions had started her heart to beating irregularly so

she decided against using it saying the birds might get

into it and be killed or worse, her dog Lucy might drink it

and she certainly didn't want that to happen. She never did call 911.

Then someone mentioned that she could put beer in the pans

and that would surely lure the snails to their death but

they'd die happy.

The more sis thought about that idea, the more she liked it

but there was a problem. Having grown up a Southern Baptist

(if you're a southerner, you'll know what I mean) and

being a totally non drinker, she had never bought an

alcoholic drink in her life.

Someone else would have to buy the beer. She asked

several folks to buy some for her but I guess WE put it off

too long. She decided she would just have to risk

the preacher or one of the church ladies seeing her buying the beer

so she disguised herself the best she could and off she went.

She had wanted some strong dark beer but she was in such a

hurry to BUY and RUN that she got Bud Light and was pretty

disgusted with her purchase when she got home.

She was in the kitchen with the beer and the pans when she

got the idea to add sugar to the beer and let it set overnight.

Well, that wasn't a good idea at all because it blew up all

over the place and her whole kitchen smelled like a brewery.

There was however, enough left to put out for the snails,

which she did.

The next morning she went out to count the

bodies. All she found was some very drunk squirrels

that had obviously been partying all night because the bird

feeder was on the ground torn completely apart and all the

the squirrels were making happy noises , turning flips and

licking the now empty beer pans.

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Comments (16)

mary_piper
15 years ago
Janis, I always enjoy whatever you post, but this has got to be the funniest thing I've ever read! I'm going to print it out and show it to my mom, who turned 91 today. She's going to love it!

Thank you!

Mary
rob333 (zone 7b)
15 years ago
Bless her heart Jan! I remember luring and killing snails/slugs, but I didn't use beer. Don't remember what I used. It was effective, maybe it was beer afterall. I just lured them and at night, I'd go out and dump salt on them. Ugh. Poor guys.

Mary, this is good, but you should find the "one shoe story" or her escapades involving driving, a chicken leg, and a family reunion.
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Porcupines will go after tool handles because of the salt in the sweat that is left on the wood. It is more likely that the damage to the feeder is squirrels. My, homemade, native cedar feeders were always damaged, and holes have been eaten and edges gnawed on 5 gallon plastic buckets in which I have attempted to store seed. Even the lids of the trash cans. My house, being cedar, is, occasionally attacked, and the barn, similarly covered, has been invaded. They enlarge the holes in the birdhouses I build and I have, actually, put hardware cloth around the holes and edged the houses with aluminum channel. I designed a clever feeder on a suction cup out of a clear soda bottle and attached it to the window. The birds loved it and the squirrels could not quite reach it, centered in the glass. In frustration, they gnawed, and totally defaced the wooden window frames outside. My only bird feeder is a metal one on a copper pipe that closes with the weight of a squirrel on the feeding bar. It has worked well for the past 4 years.
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Rest easy. Well, relatively so. Most herbicides aren't horribly dangerous to birds and squirrels, simply don't go down in large amounts per square foot, and won't last at the surface past the next rainfall. They're absorbing into the plants themselves and not readily available to the bird/squirrel. You can accelerate that by watering the lawn if you like, which will push the herbicides off the grass (and weeds) and into the lawn. After six hours on the lawn, the weed part has done all it's gonna do. Now, then. There's reasons we don't like Weed and Feed around here, and that's one of them. They indiscriminately throw herbicides around everywhere, including on patches of happy grasses that don't have weeds in them. So it's a waste, in addition to pushing herbicides down on patches that don't require them. Two, they're timed wrong. You got the feed part right--Memorial Day, or thereabouts (close enough is more than good enough in this case). The Weed part is actually late, and should have been done last month for best use, and you also can't follow-up with more if you need it because you can't feed the lawn again without risk of damage. Three, the conditions of proper application of the Weed part are a recipe for burning with the Feed part in warmer weather since the Weed part works best on damp grass, whereas feeding with synthetics should be done on dry lawn to avoid salt damage to the grasses. A shot of W&F might be warranted if you had a weed pit. If that was the case, no harm, no foul, and it'll clear the deck for you. And doing it once certainly didn't destroy the planet's biosphere. Forgive yourself and move on. From here on out, get some Weed B Gon concentrate and a one- or two-gallon sprayer (it's cheaper this way), or Weed B Gon Clover, Chickweed, and Oxalis if those weeds are your primary problem, or whatever Weed B Gon matches the major issues you have. Mix that up as per the instructions on the bottle. Individually spray the weeds that are left after 2 weeks (there won't be many and it won't take much, you don't need it to run off). Make a sweep through the lawn as often as you like--every 2 weeks, every month, once or twice a season. Whatever. Anything is better than never doing it. You'll use an amazingly small amount of herbicide compared to the Weed and Feed, and the birds, bees, and squirrels will thank you. The water supply won't thank you because it can't speak, but those of us who drink it will.
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jazmynsmom
15 years ago
Well shoot! I'd have bought beer for her! (I only use it to cook with anyway... she could have told people she needed the beer to boil bratwurst before grilling or to make chili.)

Your sister is hilarious, though I'm sorry to hear she's taken to contributing to the delinquency of vermin!
tisha_
15 years ago
LMAO This is the funniest thing I've heard all day!
calliope
15 years ago
This was such an upper with my morning coffee. Totally precious story. I've never seen a drunken squirrel, but have seen flocks of fruit eating birds on a toot.
mawheel
15 years ago
Gotta love your sister! Those squirrels must have had one heck of a party!
ronbre
15 years ago
i used to make homemade wine until the glass bottles blew up and all over the house and there was glass sticking 2" deep into the walls..and it nearly killed my husband..no more homemade wine
kathyjane
15 years ago
Jan; that was a great story!!---I can see them now, cartwheeling on the lawn!!!----hope none of the parishioners drove by and saw them----they'd know a drunken brawl if they saw one!!!
She'd never live it down...
acorn
15 years ago
Your story made my day!!!
lilod
15 years ago
That is so funny! I have seen drunken robins, drunken chickens, a drunk dog, my families old boxer when I was a kid, she loved beer. Most impressive was a tortoise we kept in the yard and she ate fermented peaches. No one knew she was loaded, but we, who knew her, could tell LOL
anneliese_32
15 years ago
Now you have given me ideas! Maybe when I go to the next county somewhen, I get some beer and feed my squirrels (we live in a dry county). I am still laughing at the picture in my head.
wandaredhead
15 years ago
Poor, poor Sis.
I understand her delima, bless her heart.
We Southern Baptist 'have our story and we're stickin' to it.' LOL

Tell Sis that they make some wonderful stuff for medicinal purposes.
You mix it with honey and crushed up peppermint.

Oh, my...I'm feelin' a bit feverish.
I do believe I feel a cough comin' on.
calliope
15 years ago
Speaking of beer and squirrels.......a cold beer goes well with fried squirrel and gravy. I almost lived off fried squirrel and ten cent a tin sardines after I had to quite work for my first pregnancy.
batyabeth
15 years ago
Did you catch 'em yourself? Now that's a picture.....hungry pregnant woman shooting dinner, then hoisting a cold one. Wonderful, you are someone I'd be poor with anyday!! Batya
endorphinjunkie
15 years ago
Let's see... 22, or maybe 410 or 20 gauge?
calliope
15 years ago
An old Steven's Crackshot single action .22 with an octagonal barrel. You had to take a pliers to get the shell casing out after you popped it off. So, you were very motivated to get it with the first shot.

Thank you Batya. Poor I was, but happy.

Squirrels have drunken party & destroy bird feeder

Comments (16)

mary_piper

rob333 (zone 7b)

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