A 5-year-old girl spent every day watching the construction workers building a house next door. The workers liked her so much that they gave her little jobs and, at the end of the week, paid her $10. The next day, her mother took her to the bank to open a savings account. The teller smiled and asked, "And where did you earn this money?" The little girl proudly replied, "I worked with the construction crew next door." The teller laughed and asked, "Will you be working there again this week?" The little girl answered, "I will if those a$$hOl€s at Lowe's ever deliver the f**king sheetrock!"

What is a vegetarian zombie's favorite snack? Grains!

I’m addicted to brake fluid, but it’s OK because I can stop at any time.

My wife yelled from upstairs, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voo-doo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" I replied, "Um, no . . ." She responded, "How about now?" tj