Yes, the Halloween candy is on sale right now but no, you should not buy it. It's a trick. Buy it now & you'll shame eat it on your couch & have to buy it all over again. Very clever, candy companies, but you can't fool me a 14th time.

6yo (to her crying brother): "It's okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad." Me: "Oh darling, that's so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?" 6yo: "I hit him."

Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesaver candies? They say he made a mint!

A 5-year-old girl spent every day watching the construction workers building a house next door. The workers liked her so much that they gave her little jobs and, at the end of the week, paid her $10. The next day, her mother took her to the bank to open a savings account. The teller smiled and asked, "And where did you earn this money?" The little girl proudly replied, "I worked with the construction crew next door." The teller laughed and asked, "Will you be working there again this week?" The little girl answered, "I will if those a$$hOl€s at Lowe's ever deliver the f**king sheetrock!"