Are you sure he left because of what happened at your house? Maybe he left because he was embarrassed after hearing that he was being discussed in private messages. Sounds like several people were messaged. You should reach out to him and see if you can resolve the issue.

Elmer is not even on this thread! Why are you calling him out?

Neither was Nicole.

Every time Elmer posts his opinion....Lucille chimes in

Fact check, this is just not true. Don't take my word, check out Elmer's posts the last few days, I rarely respond directly to him.

Nicole started this whole fracas. Harassing and bullying a longtime, and beloved, member of this group. Causing his departure. Elmer didn't have anything to do with that. Or with this post. Yet, she still had to call him, and Lucille, out. Someone is unhinged. It's not Lars, Lucille or Elmer!

I hope Lars will return to post here. I don’t participate a whole lot but have noticed he has stopped initiating the music threads. Hope we all get along despite our differences. The world is already looking bleak, let this little corner sparks some joys and sweet moments.

Lars formally passed the music thread 'job' on long before he left. Fair after all the years he stepped up. This thread is not going to invite him back given how fast it devolved. I would suggest the OP delete it. I retired after 30 years working with high school and middle school students. Ya all remind me of them too often!

Just my opinion, but anyone should be allowed to share or vent privately through the direct message feature.

i am surprised anyone would share or forward a private message without permission.

I must have missed the bullying part.

Sure, you're allowed, if that's what you want to be part of. Have you ever experienced it? I have. They send messages picking apart everything someone posts on the forum. Soon it turns into snide comments made to and about the person on the forum. There's where the bullying comes in.

This is why I prefer the company of men.

" Every time Elmer posts his opinion....Lucille chimes in then several others follow. Elmer is welcome to his weird opinions. "

I find more veracity and reasonableness in this comment than in any other in this thread. The order of appearance of the Peanut Gallery replying rudely and insultingly to me doesn't matter but the predictability is unfortunate and annoying. Especially the name calling some can't control themselves from doing. Immature behavior.

" check out Elmer's posts the last few days "

Oh, you mean in the thread in which people repeatedly deleted my comments? Yeah, I wonder how you or anyone else would feel about being ganged up on just because of disagreeing and explaining why.

Eileen, you must have a double standard, what you expect others to do versus what you find is okay for you to do. It nearly takes my breath away reading that.

I hope everyone has a nice weekend. I will, it's Valentine's Day. We started celebrating yesterday.

Nicole also sent me a private message about the visit from Lars and Kevin. Which I found very disturbing, as I could think of absolutely no logical reason for her to message me about it. The whole incident she described involved only her, Lars and Kevin, certainly not me. And it made me wonder how many others she also messaged. That comes across as an attempt to bully, and definitely trouble making. If you have a problem, take it up with the person involved, it's no one else's business! And frankly, that message told me something about her, too. Sadly, she's not the person I'd thought she was.

Lars, if you're reading this, please know that many of us miss you and hope you'll come back. And I sincerely hope ya'll's medical issues, as reported by FOAS, are resolved and behind you.

Rusty

Not too many years ago, I coincidentally received two unsolicited messages from participants here who were both acquainted with a third regular. I'm not sure what triggered their actions but the comments in both about what each thought I should know about that particular third person were shocking.

I've a lifetime habit of respecting confidences. When asked to keep something to myself, that's what I do. I often do it even if not asked. I mention now that these two messages happened. I appreciate having received them. I won't say anything more, but that is a benefit, perhaps rarely useful, of private messages.

I also received messages from others who were similarly treated, when I was quite impolitely and rudely removed from Eileen's private forum echo chamber. Participation in which seems to be restricted to people having the same one point of view.

For the record, Elmer, I do not delete others' messages--I don't know how to do that in these forums. Even if I did, I would not exercise that kind of control over what others want to post. The degree of flagging in these forums (particularly Home Decorating) is absurd and clearly biased. I'd rather all messages remain for transparency, unless someone wants to delete their own.

I broke my own rule of scrolling on by as I read your posts. Honestly, I do not understand how participants in this group tolerate you. Their capacity for your emotional manipulation is much greater than mine.

Regarding private messaging, I've only used that feature once or twice, and it wasn't to chat about other members.

Also wishing Lars well. I rarely engaged with him, but I think of him every time I use aleppo pepper...he turned me on to it.

" Their capacity for your emotional manipulation is much greater than mine. "

I don't attempt to exert manipulation of any kind. There's clearly capacity for undeserved and reactionary insulting and vindictive attitudes. Being snitty and snarky seem to be all too-common characteristics of attitudes and conduct.

Eileen, you must have a double standard, what you expect others to do versus what you find is okay for you to do. It nearly takes my breath away reading that.

What did I do, Elmer, besides remove you from my forum after repeated attempts to change your behavior toward our international members who have every right to opine about American politics? Please be specific instead of making insinuations.

I also received messages from others who were similarly treated, when I was quite impolitely and rudely removed from Eileen's private forum echo chamber. Participation in which seems to be restricted to people having the same one point of view.

Ah, there it is. As I just posted, I tried at least a dozen times to get through to you about how you treated those members before I gave up. Anyone who reads these forums knows what I'm talking about.

I don't remember nor care about details, other than recalling it was an intolerance of my views. You censored participation and removed those you didn't agree with.

As you did with a number of others known in this forum. I know, they contacted me.

For someone who conveniently can't remember and doesn't care, you sure can't get over it.

So that's your reminder--you kept telling international members to MYOB, the same thing you've done here on GW, despite me telling you to stop.

I've never removed anyone for having a different opinion than mine. I removed people who participated in a different private forum for talking about my members and GW members. They even tried to doxx people. Thanks for proving my point that some people use the PM function to gossip about other members.

And yet, one more thread becomes all about Elmer.
When one acts like a jerk and then reaps the consequences of acting like a jerk, then claims to be a victim is classic gaslighting and attempted manipulation.

And lying about it.

Wow , this is getting like Hot Topics. I, too, miss Lars and was wondering how he was doing. I have a friend who moved near where Lars lives. I told her what a cool guy he was, and maybe she'll meet up with him someday since she's into renovations too.

You know, Elmer, I never pile on when you're being attacked. I learned long ago that you are incapable of change. But whenever I post about forum issues, you attack me about removing you from my "echo chamber". And you always lie about the reason. This has been going on for five years! I am never able to defend myself because *someone* always came along and deleted the thread rather than let the truth be known. That person has since passed away so maybe this can stand at least long enough for a few people to know the truth in the event I ever have to read another false attack from you.

IIRC, that removal was never about opinions and viewpoints on the topics being discussed, but rather the continual discourtesy and rules-flouting.

Houzz has similar terms of use, but it's such a vastly larger site, that I believe it's easier for transgressors to go unchecked here.

And the unprompted private message about Lars was shocking, not just because of the content, but that it was unasked-for and seemed like an attempt to control the narrative and convince people to take sides. I too wondered how many others here received it, or similar.
I think it's only fair that someone knows what another person has said about them behind their back when it's that outrageously derogatory. I think everyone deserves the chance to tell their side of a story. I won't leap to conclusions with only partial info. I consider Lars an internet friend, and I also see him on another board.
Suffice it to say the other side of that story was enlightening, and also much less outrageous.

Sounds like people are trying to bully Nicole. I sent her a message asking what happened and was shocked, but not surprised. And she handled the visit much better than I would allowing them to stay for the complete visit. I would of booted them out the door on the first day. There is one thing they did I can't tolerate with a ZERO tolerance policy.

“They send messages picking apart everything someone posts on the forum. Soon it turns into snide comments made to and about the person on the forum.“

People do that?? Seriously? Like junior high school girls? Well, color me naive.

Maybe it’s time for me to find a new place.

I knew nothing about Lars and his brother visiting Nicole and how it went badly.

That is, until she posted here talking about it and dissing Lars. Posting a "pssst, if anyone wants to know what happened, message me" comment was highly tacky.

Whatever happened between them should have stayed between them. Private messaging between Nicole and others to talk badly about Lars was extremely childish. We're all past those days of trying to gang up and ostracize someone. Nicole wanted everyone to think badly about Lars by telling what happened. A mature way to handle it would have been to keep it to herself.

Some people are still caught up in the petty gossiping of others.

Sephia, if elmer for example was coming to visit you, don't you think a heads up by another poster would be nice if it might become dangerous?

" And you always lie about the reason. "

I'm sorry that you have trouble understanding that neither you nor the experience I had were so important to me that I should remember details. Not more than you had variable standards and rules, applied differently for and to some than for others. The overall event, sure.

I do remember that I decided to take a break from your forum for several months, came back, and got jumped by you and others again. There was an element of "you can't fire me because I quit" in my mind that would have been more apparent had the timing been different.

I always tell the truth. Always.

Kevin, I doubt Lars presented "danger," to Nicole. From what Nicole posted, it didn't sound dangerous. And if danger was involved, then post it for everyone to read instead of the private messages to a select few. Private messaging a few people isn't alerting everyone. If there indeed was something "dangerous" about Lars, then we all should be forewarned. We aren't if she's just sharing with a few via private messages.

But that means you totally accepted that story^ without investigating first?

I never messaged to ask for those details. That in itself made it suspect.

Once again, you were not removed for having a different opinion, Elmer. So if you claim that again, you are lying. I'm tired of your harassment too. You had no reason to bring your grievance about your removal from my forum into this thread, or any of the other times you've done so, for that matter.

"Sephia, if elmer for example was coming to visit you, don't you think a heads up by another poster would be nice if it might become dangerous?"

That is a different situation. Letting someone know of your bad experience if you are aware they're coming to visit is one thing, messaging strangers on an internet forum with no reason, with no foreknowledge of an impending or planned visit is entirely different -- that is gossip, and if proven to be false, rises to the level of slander.

I also received the message from Nicole. I have her version of events, but not Lars'. What actually transpired at the visit is known only to them, if the visit even occurred.

"Whatever happened between them should have stayed between them."

^^This. 1000% this. UNLESS she knew others might might on the agenda for a visit; it seems that wasn't the case -- there certainly was no reason to message me about it.

The ONLY people I messaged...were people asking "where is Lars". YOU ASKED.

They're having a get together on another board. Lily has a friend just down the street.....yes....I think this could be a problem...Kevin...what do YOU think?

Nothing "happened" between US per see. Lars did a few things.....THAT was the problem....ALL I did was tell what happened. If he's NOT posting that's up to him. I didn't DO ANYTHING to him....I'm a gym rat...rarely at home. This is a hostile environment....for me. I just post on game and photo threads....THIS IS NOT FUN! Lars visit WAS NOT FUN!

"The ONLY people I messaged...were people asking "where is Lars". YOU ASKED."

Not everything requires a response. A simple response without dissing him would have worked. Like "things didn't work out." Period.

And Rusty said YOU messaged her, she didn't message you to ask what happened. She said you messaging her was disturbing.

Instead it sounds like you trashed him and wanted to get back at him for whatever happened at your house and wanted the people you privately messaged to know.

" You had no reason to bring your grievance about your removal from my forum into this thread, or any of the other times you've done so, for that matter. "

Your action didn't cause me a grievance - reread my previous comment. I mention it when it's topical in a discussion to highlight hypocrisy I experienced, relevant to comments you may make. .

Again, I'm seeing a shifting narrative. The comment was 'message me privately if you want to know the details', not that there would be a private reply to any publicly posted questions.

The other part of that message that was suspect was that it completely contradicted a personality and character that had been displayed here and elsewhere for many years.

It wasn't topical. It was harassment. Like all the other times it wasn't topical.

Exactly Carol. Nicole was offering bait to whoever would take it to message her "what happened with you and Lars?"

Lars had a public "image" here and she tarnished it by alluding bad things about him.

" Like all the other times it wasn't topical."

Well, you're entitled to your view just as I'm entitled to mine. Apparently unlike you, I can tolerate disagreeing views.

"The ONLY people I messaged...were people asking "where is Lars". YOU ASKED."

No, I didn't!

In fact, I didn't see the message until several days after it had been received. My Internet had been off for a couple of weeks around that time and has been pretty spotty until a couple of days ago. So I've spent very little time online and had no idea what the reasoning behind the message was, or why I received it.. And I still don't.

Rusty

^^^because Nicole wanted to trash Lars to get back at him and turn people against him. She didn't just reply; she sought out people to gossip to.

Lars and I had no argument or conflict. No culture shock like he expected. He's at home doing EXACTLY what he did at MY house. There's NOTHING for me to get even for....people wanted to know WHY he wasn't posting.

This is why they tell you if you WANT to meet someone from an online forum to meet in a coffee shop and NEVER give out your address or phone number.

Sherry....Exactly! I'm an idiot! I should NEVER have said your welcome at my house any time.....I've learned a very hard lesson.

" because Nicole wanted to trash Lars to get back at him and turn people against him. "

Whatever was experienced, before criticizing someone's reaction to something you weren't involved with, remember the old chestnut "walk a mile in their shoes".

You weren't there, none of us were except Nicole. Did Nicole overreact or underreact? Deal with it well or dealt with poorly. A person not there, not involved, has no perspective to add and doesn't know what they would have done or said if facing a similar situation.

Why pretend being able to assess an unknown and unexperienced personal situation, pretend to have some great omniscience and insights, when it's something that happened to someone else and not to you personally?

Elmer, you need to MYOB. You have no idea who I talk to or what I know. You're inserting yourself into something you have no clue about and should just mind your own business where it comes to me.

"The ONLY people I messaged...were people asking "where is Lars". YOU ASKED."

I didn't. I received your message before the whole "where is Lars" post(s) started.

"A person not there, not involved, has no perspective to add and doesn't know what they would have done or said if facing a similar situation."

True. We don't know what actually transpired. All those of us know who received Nicole's private message is her side of the story. I don't know why Nicole messaged people about it. It doesn't matter. She shouldn't have done it.

And I feel really, really bad for Lars. If I found out extremely unflattering stories were being spread about me, whether grounded in any truth or entirely baseless, I'd slink off with my tail between my legs and hope no-one notices I'm gone, never to return. (it's happened to me at work in my younger years, I know what it feels like).

Yes, I got the message from Nicole after expressing concern for Lars. I’m pretty sure that in my post I didn’t ask for the gory details which precipitated his departure, but nevertheless, I got both barrels. Since I haven’t heard Lars’ version of events, the jury is out. I do think it’s tacky and unnecessary to send such messages: a simple publicly posted ”our visit didn’t go well“ was as far as it should have gone. There can have been no intention to ”protect” me from the possible consequences of a similar visit, as it’s pretty clear I am in Australia so the likelihood of a personal visit (which I would welcome) is low.

Far from lowering Lars in my estimation, the PM has definitely lowered Nicole in my estimation.

Far from lowering Lars in my estimation

I agree. Lars spent a lot of time talking to us about decorating and cooking and benefitted us by his great knowledge and the easy way we could talk to him here. I miss him. I'm better for knowing him.