Everybody's gone, all the dishes are done, and I'm going through a pile of old pictures. Among them are some sort of autograph book? They look like words of advice to my grandparents when they first got married, but people continued to write in it. Tears of joy are just streaming down my face! The first one is my grandfather. He was very quiet, but always had a funny little line or two here and there. He did not disappoint with his last line. This next one had to have been written by my mom when she was about 10 or 11. She was always so kind-hearted, and always had the right thing to say. She must have changed a lot between the time she wrote that and what she was like when I knew her.

My wife wanted me to see a Dr about my anger issues. So I'm sitting in the Doctors office and he poses the question: "What would you do if a train was coming down the hallway right at you?". I said, "I'd get in my helicopter and fly off." The Dr asked, "Where'd you get a helicopter from?" Same place you got the MF train from, I said. This is why I have anger issues....

"What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? . . . . . It's Christmas, Eve!"

What do you call a lawyer who can cook? . . . . . A sue chef!