Hello from a rosaholic in Spain
Nollie in Spain Zone9
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BenT (NorCal 9B Sunset 14)
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Comments (3)Glad you are home safe and that you had a good time. We'll all look forward to seeing the pictures. :o) That tipuana is a beautiful tree, I have one that is just reaching 4ft tall. Seed grown....See MoreHello everyone, am new.
Comments (6)"I wanted to try at least for my DH because he has suffered a lot at the hands of his kids and I don't think it's acceptable. Someone has to tell them how badly they are behaving." I think you need to be careful about this. For one, it can often be self-serving and underlying it is a secret or not-so-secret wish for Dad to see how rotten his kid is... not really to actually help Dad or make him feel any better but to make you feel superior in comparison to the rotten kid. It's a common enough gambit ---"I just care about how this is affecting YOU..."--- and like any other area of life where we take an active interest in others' well-being, there is often just as much of an element of us wanting to feel pleased with ourselves, that's what's in it for us. Some people may think this paints a very bleak picture of human nature, but sadly I think it's pretty accurate if we are honest enough to admit it to ourselves. I don't personally think there's anything wrong with wanting a self-serving benefit out of doing what we feel is a good deed, or out of concern for others. After all, at best it can be a win-win situation: you can support others and in return pat yourself on the back for being a good upstanding person. But there are times when it crosses a line and that's when it starts to HARM rather than help relationships, creating a RIFT rather than a BRIDGE and where it can come dangerously close to being more of a WIN for us and a great LOSS to someone else. That isn't "win-win" anymore, that's one-upmanship. In stepfamilies, especially, where there's naturally such a risk of excessive competition, we all have to avoid this danger. And I'm not just saying this as the stepdaughter who's apparently been painted as a monster by my SM to my Dad and every little tiny misunderstanding pryed open with a clawhammer to create a rift the size of the Grand Canyon... I'm also saying it because I have been on the other side of it, in that the way my SM treated my Dad appalled ME. Many were the times I was tempted to "point out" how disrespected and even abused he was... I always kept it to myself, except for one time when he literally dragged it out of me. And boy did I suffer the wrath! Even though he solicited it, deep down he did not want to hear it. (Just like I'm sure these Dads don't want to hear how disrespectful and horrible, etc. their own children may or may not be.) And deep down this was because he had in fact chosen to tolerate her behavior by not standing up for himself. In my case, it was my SM who acted the part of manipulative bratty, sh*t-fit-throwing little girl (she even called him "Daddy"), but you can see this can go both ways and apply to stepkids or step-parent. Or just anyone who treats anyone else we care about like crap. We can offer our input if asked; they may not take it. We can support them and try to help them feel stronger about themselves, but at the end of the day, it is THEIR LIFE to preside over and make decisions about. If my Dad or your husband gets disrespected, HE'S CHOOSING to put up with it, and if he's okay with it, then you simply have to wipe your hands clean and ignore it. If it is REALLY about concern for how HE suffers, then he must not be suffering that much if he doesn't put a stop to it. These are grown men we're talking about, men who have supported and helped US through many struggles, surely. And really, if you're totally honest, isn't it also that the disrespectful behavior you can't stand for HIM to be subjected to is the same disrespectful behavior YOU are so hurt by from the person? You have to admit that and own it, because the "poor victim" already knows it and resents that you're trying to make it seem that it's ALL out of concern for THEM when it's really only partly concern for them and just as much concern for yourself. Nothing wrong or shameful in that, you just have to own your own feelings and not be ashamed to admit them out loud. Not that we don't REALLY care about our long-suffering loved ones. Of course, we all do! Believe me, I know how hard it is to watch certain things inflicted on someone you love, but that person is really the only one who can say "***I*** won't tolerate it anymore", and they have to do that after they've reached a point where THEY really can't tolerate it. When something bothers a person enough, they'll find a way to either change it, or if they can't change it to adjust their reaction so the negative behavior doesn't have power over them. If he's not doing either, it doesn't bother him that much, plain and simple. It was incredibly rough realizing that was the case with my Dad and my SM's behavior ---even more excruciating was the thought that he might actually LIKE IT--- but it was what it was and there was nothing I or anyone else could do about it. In a nutshell, when you seek to establish yourself as a caring person and when you express a concern directly to someone about that person's relationship with a certain loved one, you have to first ask yourself "is what I'm going to say going to actually IMPROVE that relationship or harm it? Am I offering any positive constructive suggestions to help them get along BETTER or am I saying incendiary things that will make them get along WORSE? What is MY goal in all this? How can I still come out smelling like a rose with my helpful comments while avoiding making a conflict worse?"...See MoreGrowing roses in Spain
Comments (1)A lot of rose bushes 'slow down' in the summer here in France too (summer up to 35°C), then start reflowering in the early autumn. Perhaps it's rather normal. I have some that are in the shade of taller bushes during the heat of the afternoon sun, and that seem to be perfectly happy that way. Perhaps the roots of trees might be too much competition for the rose bushes? And trees might in the end overshadow the rose bushes completely? Just food for thought. :-)...See Morebuh bye old kitchen! Hello, new kitchen!
Comments (433)Hmm, I was just pondering today - how do you post a new build kitchen reveal after you have lived there for a year and a half. What might that subject title be??? I guess I should have just done it without the backsplash but now that I am so close to doing that I might as well wait....or that was my thought process. Things do take much longer than you hope/plan. I thought I'd have the splash done this spring. Ha! edit: now you are bringing back memories - when we moved in no glass in the cabs and half the crown was missing and that took way too long than I care to think about. So yes, waiting for the splash. I have to admit I got all excited again when I saw your thread pop on the first page. So you aren't saying we have to wait until Thanksgiving are you! Are you? :O...See MoreNollie in Spain Zone9
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