I visited my father's grave when I was a teenager because my mother made me go. I have not been to my mother's grave since we buried her. Don't feel guilty. The departed don't know if you are showing up or not

Be nice to the living and visit those you love.

Never. No guilt. They aren't there. I don't comprehend the entire concept of visiting where the decaying body is/was. THEY aren't there!! I do feel badly there's no one to be sure my in-laws' graves are not well maintained, but they are a couple hundred miles away so that's just not going to change.

I don't visit my parents grave much since I live thousands of miles away. I don't feel guilty but my brother sure tried to make me feel that way when I was passing through Nevada last Fall and didn't stop. I spent one night in the town I grew up in, which is 30 miles from where my parents are now. I also didn't meet up with him and my other brother because I didn't want to listen to their conspiracy rantings.

I agree with the above poster, the person is no longer there. Keep them in your memory but visiting the gravesite isn't necessary to do that.

My father’s grave never. Sadly, i do not visit my sister’s grave since it is a couple states away. Ill probably visit my mother’s once a year because its nice to visit the town where she grew up, not that there is anything there! Lots of relatives in that cemetery so Ill say hello to some of them as well. If I could not get there, i would feel no guilt.

I used to go rarely. DH would go and tend family members graves and that of his best friend lost in Vietnam. Always during the holidays but just to keep things looking trimmed and neat, the grounds keepers do not do a stellar job at our local cemetery.

Now that my mother and father are buried together after all these many years, I do go more often. I'm not sure why, but I find it peaceful there most of the time. I don't feel obligated, have no guilt if I don't go on certain dates....

A friend has a son who died of cancer 14 years ago next month buried not far from my parents site. She is there often. We'll stop in for a quick 'hello' with her son, edge, trim or leave something so she knows we've been there. She really appreciates it, notices, and always calls. It's a small thing to do for an old friend and seems to make her happy.

It is not a big chunk of time from my day. The cemetery is 10 minutes away. With rechargeable shears and a whisk broom I can accomplish a lot and be gone all of a half hour.

If its not convenient to go and you don't have the need, it's absolutely fine. I know my father was not one who visited at cemeteries and I never once worried that I had not been to his grave in quite some time, knowing he wouldn't have cared at all.

My husband's family and mine are not only both in the same cemetery in the NYC suburbs, but they're also buried practically next to each other; the cemetery is over 200 acres, so this is quite a coincidence. We found this out when we were dating and decided it was a sign. :-)

Since we have friends in the area, we usually get up there every few years and visit then. I find it enjoyable - we reminisce about our families, plus it's a beautiful place to walk around. But I also wouldn't feel guilty if I couldn't go.

I have never visired a grave and never will. There is no one there. Your loved ones live in your memories and are with you always. The whole concept of visiting graves to ”see” dead people is beyond my comprehension.

It’s entirely your decision to visit or not. If you will feel better by visiting, do so.

Personally, I do not visit grave sites. And am thankful most of my close loved ones chose cremation, with their ashes scattered.

Never. Members of my extended family who have died are all in SoCal, a 6 hour +/- drive or a 1 hour flight away. I'm down there regularly but the thought of going to cemeteries doesn't enter my mind. Why would I want to do so and what would be accomplished? As a few others have said, I can "visit" with those who I miss anywhere, anytime by thinking of them through my memories of being with them. And I do from time to time.

The task of maintaining sites is the job of the cemetery. What motivates anyone to do anything of that nature? Guilt or continuing grief that should be in check after the passage of time? Pleasant memories are available to explore no matter where one is.

I'm not suggesting anything about prior commentors but I think we all know people who have trouble dealing with grief from the death of a loved one, whether family or not. Whether one subscribes to the "stages of death" model or not, those who have a normal and functioning emotional state usually realize that after the process of coming to terms with a loss, the time comes to move on. Acceptance.

I'm happy to have a topic for which I'm in agreement with Olychick. I'm sure there are others.

Never. I refuse to set foot in the town where my parents are buried.

I have no reason to visit their graves, nor do I visit any of my other relatives' graves.

My closest loved ones were cremated. A portion of my husband’s ashes were scattered in the ocean at our favorite spot, as was his wish. I do feel that I’m visiting him when I’m there at that beautiful beach. The rest of his ashes are here at home, and I like that.
I don’t think I would be moved to visit a gravesite.

My parents were the only ones we had in this country and when my mom passed, I rarely went to the cemetery. My father always went and when he was moving from town, he asked if I would continue the practice. I now visit every time I am in CT, sometimes several times a year. I clean around her headstone, bring flowers. I always clean up the headstone next to hers also, a veteran from WW2. My dad's wish was to be buried in Poland and I made sure to fulfill that. Visiting grave sites are very important there, and family honors the departed on a regular basis.

On DH side, I don't remember ever visiting grave sites for any of his family.

For me, personally, I want to be cremated and spread my ashes wherever they please.

My father was buried at sea, so never. I was largely estranged from my brother's son so have no idea what he ever decided to do with the body and he has since died so I've no idea. My in-laws are about an hour away and we never visit.

But I had a great aunt who visited her husband every day. She was 70 and never knew how to drive but learned just so she could visit him.

Each to their own. It's all a matter of emotional comfort for those left behind. It won't matter to those who have died.

I don't visit anyone, most of anyone I know that is buried is in another state from me. I don't really feel guilt, I know they are all in well maintained places. I have visited a lot of other peoples loved ones, for several years I assisted in some cemetery conservations. It was good work to do- not all cemeteries are well kept or treated kindly.

I would visit if I lived closer. We are about 3 or 4 hours away ( and sadly there is no other reason for me to go there). When I was maybe 1 1/2 hours away I did go maybe once a year. I know my sister goes once or twice a year to visit our parents. Honestly, I do feel guilty about it but I guess I've gotten used to it. If I lived closer I would visit.

The strangest thing is that whenever I did go and whenever my sister goes, there are always mutliple stones on top of their graves, particularly my father's grave. This is the custom in Jewish cemeteries that when you visit a grave you leave a rock on it. Anything is really fine but that's the custom.These are often little pebbles that you find nearby in the ground or gravel. We always comment that most of the other graves have no rocks or very few, but my dad's usually has an assortment. I'm getting choked up thinking about it now.

I was very close with both of my parents and think about them often. But haven't been to the cemetary since we buried my mom in 2017. It's about 1000 miles away. The cemetary is in the town where I was born. I never liked living there. I moved away at 18 and the rest of my family moved a few years later. I've been back maybe five times in the last 50 years, for funerals. My family owns plots there and at least six of them will go unused. I always joke is that if there is such a thing as reincarnation and it has any geographic component, I don't want to risk being born there again. My own postmortum wish is to be cremated and have my ashes poured into a sewer right before a rainstorm, so I can become one with the city I love. I've even picked out the actual sewer, which I know has good drainage and is on a block that is special to me. This will make it easy if anyone wants to visit my "gravesite," plus there are a lot of good restaurants nearby.

Thanks everyone. One reason I'm going is I found 3 flat stones that I painted our cats names on. Going to put them on husband's head stone. I know they are with John now.

@Jupidupi - That is CLASSIC! I’m not sure that I’ll steal that idea, but I might bring it up in conversation. How considerate of you to pick a sewer near good restaurants! 😂

The whole concept of cemeteries and 'visiting' seems outdated. When death was a constant for families -- mostly before antibiotics -- relatives converged at cemeteries to visit with one another and talk about the deceased almost as though they'd never died. They family members were also planning to be visited, as a continued part of being 'family'.

I'd like to have my body go to anatomical research, if they'll have it. My DM chose this very simple step. You die and are taken within hours to the facility, where it is stored. The family can chose to receive ashes after the body's been studied and cremated. We said our goodbyes at DM's bedside when she died, then had a memorial service a few weeks later.

Never. Or, at least, never on my own accord, but I have accompanied siblings who wanted to go. I have no guilt and don't feel anything missing by not visiting anyone's grave. To me, the body after death is just a body, an empty shell. So, the places they're buried are meaningless to me.

I'm still fascinated by people posting that they are 'visiting' or 'seeing' dead relatives at a cemetery. They aren't there. It's not a place they were before they died. I'd think it would be more gratifying to visit a place they loved and 'visit' with them there. I am also stymied by folks keeping their ashes in structures. For what purpose? I don't get it. Add to that, the roadside decorations left at the sites of fatal car wrecks. Seems to be a new phenomena, at least in my community. We don't erect monuments at the site of deaths at other places, from other causes; why roadsides? I'd think people would want to forget that spot, not bring attention to it.

I'm going to be cremated as well. But I told my family that if they decide to bury me instead under no circumstances am I to be buried wearing a bra. I'm not going to the after life wearing one and I will come back and haunt them for that lol

when you are . unfamiliar with the cemetery on one of your first visits, attempt to find a landmark of some sort and take a picture. After my parents died, a tree was planted near the grave and it was difficult to locate because there were no trees near the graves.

Further to olychicks most recent comment, which I also mostly agree with, I come back to thinking that most people don't know how to grieve.

Are some of these odd behaviors because of thoughts like "people are going to expect me to do something, what should I do?" Or, as a different thread today suggests, the death aside, many people are unhappy with and unable to adapt to changes in their life.

When years later someone expresses sorrow, loss or contrition when thinking of the death or other departure of someone previously in their life, are they feeling sorry for the departed or for themself?

I'm still fascinated by people posting that they are 'visiting' or 'seeing' dead relatives at a cemetery. They aren't there.

Well of course they're not, it's just an expression.

We don't erect monuments at the site of deaths at other places, from other causes;

I can think of a number of these, but the most obvious is the 9/11 Memorial.

My parents are buried on the other coast. On a business trip last year to NYC, I did make a detour for that purpose. Of course, they are not there, but I had never gotten to see my father's well-earned military service marker. My parents used to drag me to the cemetery as a child for specific holidays. I still hate the smell of hyacinths for that reason. Their parents and more of my mother's extended family are buried in the same cemetery, so it's actually interesting in terms of family history.

"I can think of a number of these, but the most obvious is the 9/11 Memorial."

Of course, you are right...I knew when I wrote that I should have been more specific. I meant individual people, erecting monuments where people die...people die in hospitals, in homes, in nursing homes, etc. People die every day in a variety of places but the places are not memorialized by their loved ones. I just find marking the spot that someone I loved died an odd expression of caring. And it's not private...it's almost always on public property.

I have mixed feelings about cemeteries. I've always said that I can't imagine someone standing over my grave and saying "there she is". We'll both be cremated, and my son and his wife have promised to go to California, take the whale-watching trip from Moss Landing, and dump our ashes. You can look at the ocean and remember me.

But I've had the great luck to see ancestors' graves in old cemeteries, and it helped fill in the holes in my research on my families, and linked me to the past. I'm talking about people who died in the 19th century, were buried in the cemetery on the farm in Missouri on the edge of the levee of the Mississippi River, or at the old church their families founded in the 1820's in Middle Tennessee. I'd like to see the grave of my family-name ancestor who died in 1879 and was a founder of McKinney Texas.

We recall Jim's brother when we go to DC and visit the Vietnam Memorial Wall, and have even visited the small scale traveling Walls. But not the cemetery.

I have never been of my own volition. Mainly dragged along as a child when making summer visits to where my parents are from. Not that I have anything against it. Its just pointless to me, at least regarding those loved ones that I have lost. I imagine that if it were my SO, I would go and make sure his grave was maintained. But I hope I do not have to deal with that choice ever. Or at least for a while. My parents are both living and have chosen to be cremated and to have their ashes placed in the facility that their church has for such. As I actively avoid churches, I likely will not visit them either, when the time comes. I used to be scolded for being "disrespectful" for not wanting to spend vacation time staring at a stone. Glad to see I am not the only one who feels the way I felt back then.

When my maternal grandpa died, my grandma would go to his grave weekly after church. She would fill up the hummingbird feeder she erected there in the spring and summer, and made a CONTANT fuss with the cemetery about how the grass was not growing on his grave. She did that until she was not physically able to, and then she would nag whichever one of her many children was within earshot to go see that the feeder was full. It was sweet at first but evolved into something that was really sad to hear about.

I told SO that if I go first, he is to bury me in the yard and plant something over me. That is not possible of course. But my aversion to modern cemeteries goes deeper, as I have a big problem with the predatory nature and environmental impact of the funeral industry. But that's a whole different issue.

Never feel guilt for such a thing. Go when you want, or do not go at all if you do not want to. It makes no difference to your husband.

In my state, you can now have your body composted!

Human body composting

LOL My DH told me the same about visiting him at the cemetery.."don't be visiting

me here..I won't be here...I'll be somewhere watching what you are doing". LOL My

son, still says, once in awhile..."you do remember that Dad is watching you?" ;) One of our sons was only 8 when his Dad died, but he remembers this and smiles these many years

later.

I visited my parents' graves once, and I figured that was enough. Kevin wanted to go. The gravestones were unimpressive, and I seldom go back to Texas now that they have passed. I used to visit them every year when they were alive, and that's what I felt was important.

There is a family cemetery near my parents' old farm that I used to visit, and many of the graves are from the 19th century. The gravestones there are impressive and interesting, and so it was worth visiting. There were many babies buried there as well as ancestors, plus aunts & uncles from long ago.

As a teenager, I would sometimes visit old abandoned cemeteries with friends for the spooky effect, but this was generally disappointing - we never saw any ghosts. If there are ghosts, I don't think they haunt cemeteries but instead places where they used to live. Therefore, I think it is better to visit places where people used to live rather than their graves. Our brother in Texas does visit our parents' graves regularly, but there's not much to see or do there.

Our house in Cathedral City is within a mile of Desert Memorial Park, where a lot of Hollywood celebrities are buried, including Frank Sinata (and family), William Powell, Busby Berkeley, Sonny Bono, Suzanne Somers, etc. We drive by this cemetery all the time but haven't been inside it yet, although we do plan to visit at some point. It is somewhat of a tourist attraction.

My parents, aunts and uncles and my grandparents are all in a large, beautiful cemetery in the Bronx, and all are a few steps from each other. One-stop visiting. It's a good hour-plus away from where we live, and it requires careful planning because of distance and if the Yankees are away or at home. The corner where they are is also where Duke Ellington and his family are buried. We used to see him visiting his parents there when we were kids. Also, right next to our group is Miles Davis, who, I guess, is there to be close to the Duke. I am ashamed to say that it has been too long since I have been there.

Never. We spread the ashes of my dad, mom and brother in the same plot of a memorial garden at the small church in the community where my parents retired. I find comfort in knowing that they are all together. However I won't be buried there.

Same with me. I never visit cemeteries cos I don't know anyone who is buried in one. All my friends and relatives who have passed have been cremated and their ashes strewn according to their wishes.

Never. I just do not see any reason to do so, although I know some people find comfort in visiting cemeteries. My parents, aunts, uncles, great aunts and great uncles, and grandparents have all been buried in a lovely cemetery outside Philadelphia and the only time I go there is when another body is added to the family crypt. I visit them in my memories frequently, but not in the cemetery.

Nope. Nobody in our family has been buried since my grandparents died. My own parents were cremated and scattered to the four winds in several different places. FIL we sprinkled out of a train window along his favourite line.

faftris, my in-laws are there too...I saw a thing on TV about cemeteries and they were talking about all the famous people buried there including Herman Melville! Apparently there are a lot of famous jazz musicians in that area who all wanted to be buried near "the Duke".

My parents are buried on the other side of PA which is about a 6 hour drive. I think I've visited their grave twice in 20 years. I remember my parents talking about their plots. It was a new cemetery and they bought 5 plots - 2 for them, 3 for the kids. My Mom described the location - on a hill, overlooking the valley and near a particular monument. The location was important to them and after all 3 kids married they decided they didn't need 3 extra plots and discussed selling 2. My Mom wanted to keep one as a buffer between them and whomever might be adjacent to them.

The last time I went I took photos - my parents and DH's and added them to my Ancestry family tree. As Sushipup mentioned finding old graves has been helpful in genealogy research. The only reason I discovered where my great great grandparents came from in Ireland was because my great uncle had it on his headstone. Luckily it included his mother's maiden name and the tiny hamlet where he had been born. The 10 cottages were deserted during the Famine and only a few stone foundations remain but that information led me to their parish and church records.

One other factor is the difference in how people choose to spend their time. When there wasn't a whole lot to DO, an excursion to the cemetery would have been a diversion -- as well as earning you some 'points' within your social group.

There are cemeteries that quite nice. More park like. SIL enjoys going to cemeteries..

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

" There are cemeteries that quite nice. More park like. SIL enjoys going to ceneteries. "

I enjoy going to cemeteries sometimes - not only are they nice and quiet places to stroll without traffic, some have some really beautiful statuary (I visited on in Genoa for their statues and gravestones). I used to live next door to a large, well established and planted cemetery, and it was busy most weekends with families walking and biking along the paths.

There is a cemetery a little more than an hour south of here that is especially lovely. Well maintained, lots of walking paths, many borders of low boxwood and garden areas with some exceptional roses. Many stately old shade trees too. We were there in winter when a friend lost his father and it was cold but still enjoyable that day. Quite park like. I'm told people take picnic lunches there, enjoy the grounds. And some of the older statuary was especially interesting but it wasn't warm enough to explore all, and we scurried over to the lunch in a heated building.

My parents are buried where my mom's family had plots. It' IS very helpful for genealogy as the gravesstones all have the Hebrew writing of the father's name, and sometimes other information which might not be readily available. My mother's family bought the plots wtih a burial society from the town they were from in Poland, so even if not family, they were from the same town. I remember my mother saying her father liked it because it overlooks the Unisphere from the Worlds's Fair in Flushing Queens. My father's family is somewhat scattered as they were really poor, and they were buried with different burial socieites.

I've driven by a couple of very different cemeteries a great distance apart, and seen bag pipers out there, all alone, no ceremony, just practicing. I guess that if you play the bagpipe, it may be difficult to find rehearsal places.

My mother had said she wanted to be cremated, and exhorted us not to put her ashes in the family plot because no one would come to visit there. She wanted to be in the columbarium at our, not her, church. But, by the time she died, we were no longer active members of that church. So her ashes are in a box in the bedroom I’m using as an office. I go in there, but it isn’t to visit her.

When we buried my dad, it ws the first time I’d been to the family plot in over 30 years. This time I had time to walk around and see all the familiar names, as there are plots and headstones throughout the cemetery with names of other relatives, families, friends. It was kind if nice to see a name and remember them, thinking ”I didn’t know they were buried here, I wonder how their grandson etc is?”.

I do like visiting our community cemetery, as it is quite lovely, and I know some of the names, and recognize others though I didn’t know them in life.

Bagpipes are quite loud. Maybe this useful solution for practice space (cemetaries) is well known among the instrument's players.

Another possibility for some may be using a links golf course. Sushipup and some others may be familiar with the playing bagpiper at sundown tradition at the Inn at Spanish Bay in Pebble Beach.

I haven't been to either of my parent's graves since my aunt died and was buried in the same cemetery - years ago. I am about 120 miles away from there, so not an onerous trip, but I don't feel the need. I probably should once in a while, since I am now the owner of the remaining 4 plots in my family's section, just to make sure that all is in order.

However, I had some strange things happen when I was doing some genealogy research and went to look for ancestor's graves in the Cleveland area. I was not familiar with the cemeteries where I wanted to find graves. The oldest one was rather small, so I wasn't particularly surprised when I seemed to walk right to first my great-grandmother, then her mother, then lastly my other great-great grandmother's brother.

But on another day, at the next, very large cemetery, I had a only vague idea what large section to look in - and yet again, seemed to walk straight to the graves that I was looking for; not only that, but as I was leaving, I took a different path away and went right to a stone that turned out to be one of my grandmother's uncles - who wasn't even supposed to be in that cemetery, according to the listings I had consulted. I had the strong feeling that they wanted to be found, to be remembered - a century later.

This business of walking pretty much straight to the graves repeated itself at my great-uncle's spot at a 3rd cemetery, even though it was unmarked - once the office was open, I went to ask where it was located, and it was a spot next to where I had parked.

Again, at the old cemetery where my grandmother's mother, her uncle, my grandfather and great-grandfather all were, I found them immediately.

Perhaps it had something to do with their strong cultural/religious tradition of visiting the graves and remembering relatives on their date of death.

However, my last stop was much different. This was to find the grave of my grandfather's grandfather - a man who had first abandoned then later divorced his wife, seemingly abandoned contact with his adult children and young grandchildren, moved to another town and remarried. I walked past his grave 3 or 4 times without seeing it! I guess he still didn't want to be found by his original family!

I was brought up in a small market town in central England and there were many conventions/customs concerning funerals and grave yards back in the day. One of these was that at Christmas holly wreathes were placed on family graves. My father would take us children to the municipal cemetery and show us where the wreathes had to be laid. When we were older he made us do this while he waited in the car. I can remember once we had a couple of wreathes left over and just stuck them on sad neglected graves! I haven't been back for years but my brother carries on the tradition and has had the gravestones cleaned up. In the much older church yard which was filled up about 120 years ago there are graves to earlier family. They share the place with Wm Shakespeare . . . although he is inside the church and my family firmly without.

At the time of a funeral, even one with no direct connection to our family, Dad made us close the curtains to the front of the house. My Mother found it a strange idea as she had no connection with the town. I'm sure these traditions are fast dying out (no pun intended).