THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW IF YOU MOVE TO THE SOUTH 1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road. 2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South. 3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before. 4. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha. 5. Onced and Twiced are words. 6. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy! 7. Jawl-P? means: Did you all go to the bathroom? 8. People actually grow, eat, and like okra. 9. Fixinto is one word. It means I'm going to do something. 10. There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there's supper. 11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as the Wine of the South. 12. Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you. 13. The word jeet is actually a question meaning, 'Did you eat?' 14. You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see. 15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em. 16. Y'all is singular. All Y'all is plural. 17. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal. 18. You carry jumper cables in your car for your OWN car. 19. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, mustard, Tabasco, and ketchup. 20. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports, motorsports, and gossip. 21. Everyone you meet is a Honey, Sugar, Miss (first name), or Mr (first name) 22. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday. 23. You know what a hissy fit is.. 24. Fried catfish is the other white meat. 25. We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!!! 26. You understand these jokes and forward them to your Southern friends and those who just wish they were from the SOUTH. AND one more: 27. Why did the chicken cross the road? To show that stupid possum that it CAN be done! Rusty

I hate finding a surprise cut or bruise on my body, like "Shouldn't I have felt that? Where was I when this happened?"

"Daddy, I want mommy" is childspeak for "Let me speak to your manager."

If you see a monk going door to door selling flowers in your neighborhood, call the authorities immediately. Because only YOU can prevent florist friars.