My daughter is engaged.
Jilly
2 years ago
last modified: 2 years ago
Her fiance is always very thoughtful, but not over the top. He invited me, DH, my dad/her beloved PaPa, and some of their best friends to go on a hike today. He planned to propose, which she had no clue about.
He bought an antique ring he knew she liked. It’s beautiful — circa early 1900’s Victorian.
He made up a beautiful vintage style album with pictures of them and lovely sayings. He put the ring in the middle, which she found as she flipped through. He then proposed.
Yes, mom cried. :)
The place we hiked has a buffalo herd and one (behind a fence) charged me and his horn got my palm. So that happened, too.
I hope her dad was there with us. I think he was. It hurts that he’s missed so many milestones.
Ring (from website, not her hand):
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HELP! My Daughter's Wedding & My Finance's family
Comments (18)Hi, I think we're going to have to presume a "worst case scenario" here for the sake of argument, to get at the roots of this dilemma, and clarify the issues. (But we can certainly hope for the best!) Worst case scenario: Daughter tells you ---for whatever reason (BM interference or her own personal feelings)--- "no way", she won't consider inviting them and she wants only you there. Your decision now is whether or not you go solo. I feel very strongly that you should, and I'm going to explain why via responding to your list of concerns one by one: "1 - My fiancee is very family oriented and has gone out of her way to bring us together as a family" That's fantastic, and to me is evidence that this situation ---even in the worst case scenario--- will work out fine b/c if she's very family-oriented she will understand that you need to go to your daughter's wedding with or without her, as this is an extremely important day for her and b/c your kids have recently expressed their need for you to be there for all of them. I don't think I need to tell you that if you, as her father, were not present for her wedding, especially after the recent conversation about "being there" in general, that would definitely spell the end of that relationship at great loss to you and she. But it is not going to spell the end of what sounds like a great relationship with fiancee and kids if they don't go. It's the most important day of your daughter's life but one family function out of many to come with your fiancee and her kids. "2 - If my fiancee finds out that she and her kids were not invited, my fear is that she would feel rejected and possibly think it was her and call off our future so that I can be closer to my kids." Again, I really don't think that's going to happen, based on how family-oriented she is. And the way she feels about it can be somewhat modified by how you present it to her and what you do for her to ensure that even if she feels rejected *by your daughter* that she is not rejected by *you*. You might even be able to soften the blow of rejection altogether (i.e. "ex-wife's relatives are being crusty and old-fashioned about this and don't consider fiancee part of the 'family' until you're married...it's nothing personal", or "the guest list was made a long time ago and they can't change it" or "this wedding won't be the last chance we'll have to be together as a family and forge family bonds"). Yes, she'll probably still be able to detect that there's opposition to her being there behind whatever excuse you give, but then she has a choice: push it or not? A matter, for her, of picking battles. She's still relatively new in this situation and also would be well aware that if she pushes coming, she would be putting you in the same "middle" spot of having to choose that others may be attempting to do. She's most likely not going to want to do that, nor take the gamble that an ultimatum will fail. She'll probably decide to let this one roll off and do her best to form family bonds at future functions. And then you can further help the situation by encouraging/arranging plenty of those future family functions. "3 - My kids seem to like my fiancee but have not gotten close to my fiancee's kids" What are the age differences? Also, if they haven't seen each other but a few times, and never alone, they probably haven't had the chance to build bonds just yet. Especially because the blending of families is always an ambivalent thing and takes plenty of time. As I wrote above, this wedding will not be the only chance for the new family members to be together and grow closer. "4 - No, I did not have an affair with my fiancee before I divorced. I think my ex-wife still have not gotten over the divorce nor admits we had problems while we were married for 19 years. She has also stated that she doesn't ever want to meet my fiancee." Well, that is her issue to deal with. Hopefully she will be an adult and not continue to pressure her daughter to make an "either/or" choice which bio parent she wants at the wedding, thereby also setting the stage for others to possibly insist you make such a choice. Maybe BM will remove herself from the equation if she really can't handle co-existing at the same geographical location for the sake of her daughter's important rite of passage. But unfortunately we can't count on her rising to this level and certainly not her backing out. So you have to make a firm decision on what you will do regardless of what BM does. 5 - Yes, I'm paying a large portion of the wedding but this is not a leverage that I care to use - it is not a financial exercise. To me, it is all about bringing together my old and new family as closely as possible. I desperately need this.... I really hope your daughter and/or BM will be gracious adults and not exclude their soon-to-be-new family. But even if they refuse, this one event is not the last chance ever to bond, and is not insurmountable as a slight if you handle it well and make an effort to be as inclusive as possible in the future. Remember: your daughter's exclusionary behavior in this instance doesn't have to keep YOU from being all-inclusive. Hopefully, it might even encourage her to be more inclusive in the future, once she sees how welcoming you and fiancee are to her and those bonds continue to be formed over time....See MorePlease check my thinking
Comments (11)Nothing, in my opinion. I am not a big fan of save the date cards, magnets, etc. It is very helpful for out of town guests to know the date as far in advance as possible, but as you say, it can be done virtually for free other ways. In town guests often find them pushy, and I also worry that, if the card gives a web site, and the web site has registry info, it doesn't look so nice. But I think that both of these are less true now that the cards have become so common. My son and his fiancee are sending them, but most of the family already know -- if only because I told them when I contacted them for their current addresses for the cards! Anyway, they are going out about 6 months before the wedding. That wasn't soon enough to really help anyone with any conflicts: a cousin and a close friend's daughter have already chosen (after DS did) the same date. I can't say whether they would have chosen differently had they known of DS's date (probably my cousin would have). But the point is that they had their dates set before DS and his fiancee sent out their save the date cards anyway. That is probably going to be true of most conflicts that would come up: vacation and work issues, too, not just other people's weddings, graduations, etc. And no matter whose date your guests hear about first, they will likely choose their own sibling, say, over a friend or more distant relative. So a save the date card wouldn't help anyway. I was in favor of just letting people know the date without a special (and expensive) mailing, too, but I was smart enough to keep my mouth shut!...See MoreWedding bouquet roses?
Comments (31)It is a lovely idea, to have home grown roses used in your daughter's wedding. Not to be discouraging, but I would hesitate to grow my own, just in case. You are at the mercy of weather, insects, disease, etc and it is hard to predict if you will have enough of them. You will need more bushes than you think, and growing them in pots, they may not be as vigorous as they would in the ground. If I were you, I would grow one type that you love, and purchase the rest. I am planning on doing the flower arrangements for my son's reception, its a small wedding so I think its manageable. Even so, I plan to buy roses in bulk online. I've had too many roses fall victim to aphids, japanese beetles, drought, too much rain, cane borers, black spot, and of course the many deer who find my rosebuds to be a culinary delight....See MoreMy daughter’s 2x4’ Cedar planter
Comments (4)Here’s an updated photo of how it looks now. Her lettuce is growing so fast, we can barely keep up eating it! And everything else is growing well. We may have been a bit too ambitious with how much we planted but it’s a good experiment in intensive gardening. Here is what is in the bed from left to right: - radishes, we just planted more seeds as the last ones bolted in the heat we are having - corn - drying beans - carrots - peas - bell pepper - cucumber - tomato - green onion - lettuce I’ve started writing an ebook that goes through the full construction process of the bed/planter which I hope to have for sale by next month....See MoreJilly
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petalique
2 years ago
(I’d be kissing it on the head …. what? they dont like that?)
Caption readsFriend by Sasin Tipchai / 500px
Photo by
on
·
Thai woman farmer with buffalo
Jilly thanked petaliqueJilly
2 years agoJilly
2 years ago
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