I always make New Year's resolutions. And keep them. I figure I should be able to keep a promise to myself.

True, Elizabeth. I always keep promises to myself too. But, I just never got into deciding upon an actual resolution for the e new year.

I only had concerns one year. I resolved to learn to bake cookies properly as, after all, I am a Grandma. And to master the perfect gourmet cheesecake. I figured the next New Year's I'd have to resolve to lose 10 pounds. ( I mastered both but use my power sparingly )

One of my sons suggested we take on a word and use that as a guiding principle, to add more of whatever positive word we chose, as opposed to making a resolution.

I don't do well without structure to my days. I like having plans, and plans were in short supply for 2021 for me. Everything was in constant flux, and so many of my favorite things to do were off the table. So I have chosen the word discipline for 2022.

Zalco, that's a unique take on it!

I feel so much like your number 2 comment, I'm going to start of the New Year watching the Secret Life of Walter Mitty. I need to say yes to more things, to let go!

Zalco, I love your take on it. I am choosing the word "refocus" as 2021 was pretty much a dumpster fire for me. Thanks!

PS I am very sure my son learned of this word idea from some friends at school.

PPS I hope 2022 is much better for you murraysmom.

eldelf, i like your #1 very much. years ago i chose ”like a duck’s back” as my mantra. it helped a little to let external events roll off more easily.

i’ll use this conversation as inspiration for measured and careful responses.

Absolutely Joyful

When my mom was having trouble dealing with some crazy family situations and the onset of some pretty severe memory loss, I started taking her to a therapist. This woman was amazing and I eventually started seeing her, as well.

The biggest takeaway I've had is recognizing those triggers and reactions and realizing that I do NOT have to respond right away. It is okay to say and do nothing while you process things.

Regarding the saying yes, I started this when my youngest was about 8 or 9. I realized that I was that parent that automatically said no first without even considering it and then, I might later be talked into it. I decided to try saying yes, and see what happened. I think I've slipped back into saying no a fair bit, but it was a good exercise for awhile (except for the extra cat we ended up with :-) .

For me Daisychain, my biggest is a person. A person that has to be in my life because she is DH’s sister.

I think I need to just prepare and be on the alert because it will happen that will she will trigger negative reaction in me.

Eld, I think arming yourself with awareness and a plan are the best thing you can do in this situation. Excellent. And remember that this person does not own you or dictate how you live your life. It's just words coming from an unwelcomed directiion. And remember that not responding is a powerful weapon.

You are spot on Murrysmom, not responding can be a powerful weapon and save you alot of stress.

I learned from being a reactive, defensive young lady. People knew how to push my buttons and manipulate me to get a reaction. My family would accuse me of things in order for me to get angry, and throw proof of the truth at them. It would be things that they wanted to know but was NONE of there business. Like how much money I made. Or what I was spending it on. They would say things like "you don't want us to know because you're probably wasting all your money because you're to stupid to save." Which of course would send me into a rage and i would produce bank statement to throw in their face as proof. By the time i noticed their smug smiles i had already lost. They got what they wanted. To be NOSY. And i was dumb enough to grant them access to my personal business to prove what?

As the youngest they would laugh in my face if I demanded to know my parents or my siblings financial details. And yet they felt so entitled to mine.. And still do. At Christmas my brother asked me who pays what bills in my house and do I even save any money? Ridiculous. I didn't say a word. I just kept on cooking. Silence sometimes is best.

As a full adult, I have learned how to turn it around. I have set up extreme boundaries that I and only I am comfortable with. And I drive them absolutely insane by NOT taking the bait anymore.

For example, my SO and I have been together 12 years. And he has never met my family. Never. Not a hello, a drive by wave,nothing. Why? Because he doesn't want to, but also because I find my family to be incapable of respecting boundaries of me only unless I set extreme ones. I told them from the beginning that the decision was his. And I was not going to attempt to change his mind, because he's a grown man and a respect him and his wishes. This was unacceptable to them. Not my problem. In the earlier years of our relationship, my family would say things like, "you're probably ashamed of him. He must be a bum." Clearly they thought I was still a reactive teen who cared about their opinion. However,to respond I said "yup. That's it. I am completely ashamed." Then they would say even more inflammatory. My mother once said to my brother right in front of me,again to cause a reaction: " He doesn't like white people. That's why he won't meet us." As if I was going to get on the phone to call him, and he was going to rush over there in order to prove himself not to be a racist. Ha! I simply said "Sure. That's why." Then she tried to push it. "So that's really why he won't meet us? He doesn't like white people!?!?!?" I said "You tell me. Since you know so much about someone that you are so bothered about not meeting yet,if you said it it must be true." No response.. What could she say? I agreed with her. They wanted an answer why, they themselves provided one, and I confirmed it,.even though they knew I was being a smart alec and was not confirming any such thing. And i did it with the same smug smile they perused.my bank statement with when i was 19 and thought i has so much to prove.

They still nag me every time I see them. I will not take the bait. Last time I told them that my answer won't change and the fact that you all refuse to respect me and our decision is not endearing him to meet you anytime soon. They still continued. In the end I decided that if they want to ruin a holiday or family get together by making themselves mad because I refuse to cave in like I used to when I was younger then I will let them do it. And I will enjoy it. They will learn or they won't. And I win.

That is just one specific example. Overall, I feel that it is absolutely best to approach unpleasant situations in as cold and as distant a manner as possible. If you do respond to the unpleasantness,, do not escalate it, sometimes its best to agree with them in a way that they KNOW you do not agree with them but you just want them to shut up. It drives the instigators UP THE WALL, because they can't argue with someone who won't argue back, and they really really REALLY want you to argue or in my case, play into their hands. No more. This works for my super religious, extreme right leaning sister and her political talk, my parents and other siblings in their nagging me, random angry strangers,(like the fruit fly who called me fat in Walmart to shame my grocery choices) annoying coworkers (like the "ladies" I worked with in a factory that would make fun of me for being "skinny" while they were walking around with 4 stomachs and 5 chins) or supervisors, whatever.

I will use a quote from one of my favorite Christmas movies, "The Man who Invented Christmas" :

Blood of Iron, Heart of Ice!

And THAT is how you win the war. Most people nowadays do not know how to respond to someone who will not yell and argue back. It confuses them....

I urge you when dealing with your sister in law to employ these tactics. Blood of iron, heart of Ice Eld!

So sorry, amylou. These are not normal people nor is any of what you've described reasonable or acceptable adult conduct. It's outrageous.

Can you move, put more distance between you and them to limit contact?

I am really okay Elmer. I call it the plague of being the youngest. Everyone thinks they are my parent, and everyone claims to "worry" abut me, even though I have never asked for help from any of them, including my actually parents. I do think that they are finally picking up that I do not want to engage with it, and therefore the incidents are fewer and far between, which hopefully will eventually lead to no such incidents. They are aware that I have absolutely NO qualms about cutting people off outright, they have all seen it before. And I truly think that they do not want that. My refusal to engage is so distressing to them that I think eventually it will cease. If not it will be: call me when someone dies, but not before or after....

I will grant them this. I do think its probably unusual for someone to be in such a long relationship without meeting the prospective families, but honestly, it has worked for us, no outside drama! But I demand respect now, and they can only cross the boundaries I allow them too, which is NONE.

Goodness Amy, I'm the baby by 8 years of my next older sibling and I NEVER EVER had any of this experience! UGH! I cannot ever remember being treated like this at all.

Family! So hard when there is conflict.

Sometimes I ask myself if this person wasn't family, would they be in my life? Probably not.

But, life is filled with compromise.

Well, you know what they say, eld. You can pick your friends but you can't pick your relatives.

Amy, I think you have found a very healthy way to deal with your nosy family. Good for you for living your life on your own terms.

Quite a few members of my family would not be in my life if they weren't relatives. I limit my exposure to them. I'm happier that way. My life is not like theirs and they always want me to become just like them. But I'm not interested so I do my own thing. Amy realized this at a relatively young age. I did not but then I lived thousands of miles away and life was much better. It made me stronger for when I did move back after 25 years apart with only a few visits a year. It's not easy to stand your ground with family. I think Amy has found a very good way to deal with her family. Good for her.

Yes and with all of that, she stills cooks entire holiday dinners for them all.

There's a great view when you take the high road. :)

I have been know to reply with laughter when asked an inappropriate question. Look them straight in the eye and laugh at them, Oh, they get it.