Michele,

So happy for you! It’s amazing how much of a big deal a visit can be. Before the pandemic, stopping by to visit grandma was no big deal. Now it feels like all our elderly people have been in solitary confinement for a year. isn’t that cruel and unusual punishment? Can’t wait to get back to normal with them again!!

Best wishes caflower. You're not alone. I'm sure it doesn't help at all but many live their lives with circumstances similar to yours.

For others, my experience with childrearing outcomes and family relationships is mostly (but not entirely) with years prior to the years of decline and ultimate death. It always seems more than not that parents reap what they've sowed. What kind of adults their children become and the lives they lead, relationships between parents and their adult children, whether their kids care more about them or their bank accounts, and so many other factors, are not random events.

One of my (adult) kids, who has their own kids, said something wise to me a few years ago. They said something to the effect that "I want our good relationship to be a model that my own kids want to emulate with me in the future. My spouse's mother had an estranged relationship with her own parents and that has affected her relationship with her mother. She respects our relationship and I want that to be how our relationship is with our kids." It wasn't said to express a compliment but it sure was one.

I have to echo what patriceny wrote especially about people in care wanting more family time although as her father did. Many can not remember who if any have visited. Depending on the home the residents become family.

We have a family oldster who's in a senior living facility (not memory care, not nursing care) and visiting has been problematic for the past year. We bought and set up an iPad with a cell system signal capability. All the oldster needs to do is keep it charged and answer FaceTime "calls". Regular visits are now easy, of course, including with family members who are otherwise thousands of miles away. They're not that expensive to purchase with monthly payments and to add usage as part of an existing plan.

It always seems more than not that parents reap what they've sowed.

Absolutely! Your children are the truest reflection of your values. Talk is cheap.

{{{{{{caflowerluver}}}}}}}} Mental illness is so hard on the family.

I cared for my mother for 12 years and no regrets, My brother died quite young so it was only me. There were bad times but mostly good. I had her in our home. When she died I called the ambulance and she was gone within 12 hours. My husband was all for it. She didn't have enough money to go to a nursing home.

I think having an elder being a part of the family makes life so much richer for the elders and the younger family involved. Of course if the elder has health issues that require professional care, it becomes much harder/impossible to accomplish that goal.

<It always seems more than not that parents reap what they've sowed.>

There are so many exceptions to this that it hardly seems worth making such a generalization. It is always good to encourage people to be the best parents that they can be, but this is never a guarantee that being a good parent will mean that the children will be what the parents expect. My sister had one child, and he was diagnosed early in life as a psychopath, and no matter how many therapists my sister took him to, they all told her that there was no cure and that he was simply born with no conscience. My sister is a prominent lawyer, but her son has been in and out of jail many times - sometimes for grand theft against my sister, and the last time was for assaulting her husband and stealing his car. Her son is absolutely not the reflection of her values.

Having children is a crap shoot, and there are no guarantees, no matter how great a parent one might be. Most times, being a good parent is beneficial to the children, but then there are terrible parents who have children who turn out to be wonderful, great people in spite of having bad parents.

In San Francisco, I used to babysit a couple of children whose estranged father was a mass murderer serving a life sentence in San Quentin, and the mother was terrified that her son would turn out to be like his father, but he did not.

Environment is important for developing children, but sometimes children get the environmental influences they need away from home. There can also be genetic defects that crop up unexpectedly that can be difficult or impossible to overcome with environmental influences. It is not all genetics and not all environment, and the debate continues as to which influence is stronger. In some cases (as in my nephew's), genetics negate any positive influences from environment, and it is wrong to blame parents for this.

Have to disagree with parent reaping what they sow. I took care of both of my parents in their last years and have values similar to what they valued - honesty, hard work. I have a sibling that saw them only as money sources and is as unlike the parents as possible - lazy and dishonest.

There is a long history of mental illness, depression, alcoholism & suicide on both sides of our families and that history is one of the primary reasons DH & I decided not to have children. Who knows what we would have produced? Both of us have/had very dysfunctional siblings. My dear mother is 89 and is our only surviving parent. We pay her living expenses. She is widowed, but lives independently in her own home and still drives. She would not be able to afford live independently, or dependently, without us. I don't know what she would do.

We get no acknowledgement from my siblings or their offspring for this. They see us as waiting to benefit from her "estate" once she dies. They continue to ask her for help and assistance when they should be looking after her, since we live a very long distance away and they are in the same city. We have legal protection set up for ourselves when she passes. Thinking of that turmoil is mind-numbing.

I am grateful that my husband loves my mother and respects my desire to support her. Even if I precede her in death, I know he will continue to take care of her. She had 6 children and adopted one of her sister's daughters. She raised and loved all of us. There are no guarantees.

seagrass

When DH's mother went into the nursing home we visited regularly as did some of his siblings. When we went would change but I noticed the number of visitors in the place did not. We seldom saw anyone else except for the daughter of the woman in the next room. She came everyday apparently.

While our attentive visits probably helped ensure she had good care I dont think it did much for the loneliness. When you are not engaged in life it is almost impossible for family to fill in that void.

Everyone is different. My grandfather didn't marry until 30. HIs wife died 10 years later. He never remarried. They had two kids. HIs son lived with in blocks of him his entire life, Grandpa was active at work and visiting his grand children...he told me he has been alone most of his life but it wasn't until the last couple of years he was "lonely". It was tough for him when all his friends were gone...even though his son and grandkids were an active place in his life.

How heart breaking when children turn out differently from how they were brought up. I can imagine no greater pain.

seagrass, you are one good egg.

@User, Short story, my mother spent the last 4 years of her life in an assisted living center. She was ambulatory with Lewy body dementia, not a good combination. My sister and I would visit several times a week. One day I met my sister in the hall leaving my mother’s room. Less than a minute later I entered my mother’s room and asked, “Have you seen Diane lately?”

“No” she responded, “She doesn’t come around any more.”

"Have to disagree with parent reaping what they sow."

Kids don't raise themselves. Some kids need more time, help, guidance, hand's on attention, redirection and restrictions than others do, but they all need lots of those and other things on an ongoing basis. Many have special needs and requirements and that adds to the challenge too. And it doesn't end when they're in college, vocational training, or whatever direction they take as they approach and prepare to support themselves and transition to independent adult living.

One size for sure doesn't fit all. Parenting is a full contact sport, lots of time and attention as well as helmets and padding are often required.

When I look back over the generations of my family that I have known, every one was helped by their child, or a niece or nephew. Not one was ripped off or abused by a child. Caregiving for the elderly is very, very hard work and I truly believe that the love you have for family makes all the difference in care. I am grateful to have one son who can be relied on to watch out for me, although I intend to get myself into a ccrc. Nevertheless, at some point he will have to take over my finances and who knows what else.

With the aging population, there are more people starting businesses to help with finances for the elderly. I would get to know someone like this before getting too old to make a decision. Anyone who thinks they won’t be needing help is kidding himself.

Something that people should realize is that as they age their children, friends, relatives also age or die. I am the last person in my immediate family so why should I expect my cousins and their children to care for me just because I am related however some appear to think that they should.

Sal and others who think their relatives do not have enough money allow them to go into care in the US at least there is something that is called Medicaid that will pay for care in elder home. I would never select one, unless it was an emergency, that only accepted Medicaid residents because I have found those are the worst for care but most will have some rooms available for Medicaid residents. The rooms may be smaller and you may need to be placed on a waiting list. No longer like in my childhood is it necessary to beggar a family to care for aged relatives especially when their may be four or more needing care at the same time.

Those who sent "hugs" and good wishes - thank you. It is what it is and after 36 years I have accepted it.

<Kids don't raise themselves. >

Sometimes they do, and I've met ones who did raise themselves who came out just fine. These were people who had horrible parents and grew up to be honest and reliable people in spite of that. Of course it is more difficult this way, but they also had the opportunity to learn life by hard knocks earlier rather than later. They learned to be self-reliant at an early age and also how to be responsible for themselves.

Parents have the ability to guide children, but they do not have to ability to mold children, the way my father tried to do. Children are born with their own individual personalities, and the parents cannot change that. They can try to direct it, but they cannot fundamentally change someone else's individual personality.

I am an only child and my father died in 1977 leaving my mother alone in her house for the next 21 years. I live an hour away and visited often and she did well in her home surrounded by neighbors and friends. When her mental capacities failed I had to drag her kicking and screaming from the house she and my father built in 1950. It was a horrible time but there was nothing else to do. I put her in a lovely nursing home a few miles from me and went over every day. She still thought her house was waiting for her to return. She lived there two years before she died at 92.

My two kids live a few miles away. I'm hoping they will step up when needed but I suspect it will mostly fall onto the daughter's shoulders.

It's so hard isn't it, jrb? My dad had Alzheimer's and his short term memory was absolutely gone. I visited him several times a week in person, and called to speak with him every blessed day.

And yet every blessed day he would tell me I hadn't visited with him in "weeks."

I never knew what to say. :( I tried everything. The conventional wisdom is to accept the Alzheimer's patients reality because you can't argue delusions away, so I tried that...but that meant accepting the statement i hadn't been there in weeks. I tried saying, "I was just there yesterday", I tried promising I would come tomorrow....

None of it mattered. I did everything I could for him, and in the end I don't think it made him feel any better at all.

That's my point for folks who are counting on their children to make their final days better, or easier. It doesn't always work out that way, for a wide variety of reasons - and what I saw said that at least some folks who had kids were even sadder than people who didn't.

“Children are born with their own individual personalities, and the parents cannot change that. They can try to direct it, but they cannot fundamentally change someone else's individual personality.”

Lars, I could not agree more. It causes a great deal of anguish when parents insist.

From the moment they were born, I knew they were completely different from one another. I’m happy about it. I tried to teach, but I never tried to make them be anybody but who they are.

And when it comes to caring for patients, it's sometimes so much easier for the professionals who view it as a job rather than bring in all that family baggage too. It doesn't bother them if the patient doesn't remember them from day to day. I still remember how upset my Mother was. She was in her 70s caring for her parents who were in their 90s. She was trying to change her father's socks and he said, "Who are you to be doing this to me!" She said, "I'm your daughter." So he hollers out to Grandma, "Hey Mama! Did you know we had a daughter???"

Going back to the original question, I think that your frame of reference is the key to understanding.

As someone who chose not to have kids, I cannot imagine what my life would have been with them. While I know that many others have the opposite feelings, I only saw the life I would have had as unfulfilling. I hear you say you can’t imagine..., and you are correct because my choice doesn’t have a place in your frame of reference.

As for my care later in life, just like you adjusted your early life to raise kids, I’ll adjust my later life to get by without them

So there is no right answer here.

Life long characteristics are set by age 7 or so. With biological adulthood being present at 15 and old age being 30 something. Again, biologically speaking. With our biology not having caught up with our technology there are a lot of people around in modern cultures that have been on overtime for decades. With those who are in their 90s or older effectively having lived three lifetimes.

Of course there are 'exceptions', but IME most children DO help their aged parents and even other family members. Because...they love them.

My DM was a kind, outgoing person. Her mother was not. Although my DM didn't LIKE her mother's negative character, she did LOVE her, and she respected her for her role in my DM's upbringing.

"They said it was their experience that for the majority of people
with children, they spent their time pining for more from those kids. I
wish they would visit more, I wish they would take me home, when are
they coming to see me....etc.

However the people without children seemed more content with the
situation . They weren't always looking for people who weren't coming.
They apparently seemed better able to accept the facts as they existed."

Yes! This ^^^

I've written in more than one of these threads about the time I helped people in a nursing home by providing hair styling/cuts, etc. I got to know the residents and so many of them were lovely people. It was also my experience that many of those with children were unwilling to do anything but hang out in their rooms in hopes that their children would visit. Worried that they might miss a visit (which were oftentimes few and far between), they just sat and waited.

The happiest, most well adjusted people seemed to be those without children who would participate in activities, go around and socialize with others as they were able, etc. They accepted that they were responsible for their own fate.

A generation or two ago, most people lived in the area where they were raised and could help their aging families. Now, people are much more mobile and being in the same area forever is not as common, so caregiving elders is often impossible. Or it is with great sacrifice that only those with means can pull off. And elders are living longer each generation, so the pressure on children to provide care well into their own retirement years is great.

I know many people without children but most in my circle have fostered close and loving relationships with younger friends (as have I) or perhaps nieces and nephews. I have no doubt that these loving young friends will do what they can to help their older friends. There are more ways to build a family than just birthing them.

I agree exactly with Olychick.

And when it comes to caring for patients, it's sometimes so much easier for the professionals who view it as a job rather than bring in all that family baggage too.

I cannot comprehend the interchangeable use of old people and patients. In my family, old people are old people. At some point they become unwell and they become patients and die. And at that point, of course professional help is helpful for all parties involved. Sadly some young people in my family have become unwell and died early too. But for the most part, the elders in my family just slow down a bit, lose some independence, like driving perhaps, but they do not become disabled/patients just because they are in their 80s +

We will all get old if we are lucky. I would prefer not to pathologies old age. Personally, living in isolation, without any purpose would do me in at any age.

Tonight I got this text from my DD who has 2 kids (DH and I had 4), she never calls me Mother!

"Mother, I'm feeling done with teenagers (15 & 17) and happy I only had two kids!"

DH told me to respond, "The 2 kids you didn't have were the good/easy ones!"

Told her to ground them good, although that is more of a punishment for you than them!

I love hearing from my kids and their parenting challenges! Bless their hearts.

Zalco you have never been to a nursing home or have only been to one that is exclusively older people. The one my husband was in had patients ranging from one young man in this twenties, then of all ages above that. My husband's second roommate was in his 30s. Nursing homes in this area also have rehabilitation areas where people of any age although I have only seen one young teenager at the one where my husband did his knee rehabilitation who may have been 12-14.

Maifleur, I most certainly have been to such nursing homes, and rehab facilities. I clearly stated, sometimes people become sick and die young. And when you are old and sick, you may need professional help as well. But I do not accept the notion of old age equaling sickness. Of course one day, old people will expire of something, but in the meantime, I don't see them as very different from me.

Not for the first time, maifleur, you're of a mind that no one has had particular experiences you have and thus no one could possibly have a valid opinion that differs from how you see something. I remember comments of a like nature from you in the past.

I wonder if the experience people have with their own parents and grandparents aging determines their perception of how it will/would have been with their own children or grandchildren. As Elmer mentioned earlier about outcomes and reaping what you sow. Maybe it’s not just downward from parent to child, but also upward in generations also.

I’m seeing one group of people who believe that most families will love and support their elders and the negative experiences are not the norm. The other group seems to be focused on negative experiences of neglectful or abusive family. Is this based on a personal experience of watching how the elderly people in your family were treated? Were they viewed as a burden or a “bank account”?

Last night, my grandmother had a child and two grandchildren busting their humps to move her. She had to keep answering the phone from other children and grandchildren asking how it was progressing. We laughed, talked, sweated and this is what it’s like. We rally around when grandma needs anything.

But these experiences give me confidence that my aunts, my siblings, my cousins, and I will have the same experience when we are older.

Yes, there will be exceptions. There will be those family members who do not treat mom or grandma well. There always are. But those exceptions... will they have the same confidence in their experiences when they get old? Comes back to reaping what your sow... up the chain.

But if you're only having children because you don't want to be alone when you're in a nursing home

Patriceny,

I think you would be hard pressed to find people whose sole reason for having children is so they won’t be alone in a nursing home.

It could be asked in the other direction....If you are only child free by choice so your children don’t abuse you or neglect you when you are in a nursing home...

Living on the family farm (father's side, 100% Italian) my great great grandparents lived with their children, and their children's children at one time or another. My grandmother that lived here lived on and off with her two sisters and brother when they moved out. It is more of an ethnic thing, not what goes on as much these days. Everyone took care of everyone here until the day they died.

I was the sibling that took care of my grandmother, great aunt and mother when they got older. i was able and had the desire to do it. I have one brother two years older that is the closest living relative that I have and we are very different from each other. He would take out dear old mom to a restaurant for her birthday (and never visited her otherwise) and think everything was taken care of! So no, there are no guarantees that your kids will look after you in old age. Unless you are Amish.

I have been single most of my whole life and no kids. Blissfully live alone! I am happy with my life choices and do not fear getting elderly (61 this year!) Whatever will be, will be - ke sera sera.

Of course no one other than myself have had the experiences that I have had. I wonder at that thought process or lack of. I relate my experiences for information so that if others can understand that they are not alone if they are undergoing similar things or they can be grateful that they never have to undergo them. Not being in an insular world and willing to look beyond myself has taught me many things. It also allows people to talk to me about things that are troubling them.

I did find it interesting that over in the buying and selling of houses there is a person who is currently posting. She is in a similar position of the people I have posted. She moved home to care for her parents. They have died. She was left the house. She admits she does not have the money to fix it up and is seeking information as to how best to sell it because it will apparently fund the rest of her life.

"I think you would be hard pressed to find people whose sole reason for having children is so they won’t be alone in a nursing home."

Only because they lacked forethought on the subject or ignore the thought they'll get old and may end up in a nursing home to begin with.

A sad story about a quadriplegic young man in a nursing home. I did contract work in nursing homes many decades ago and spent a lot of time talking with the residents. Not because I was a good Samaritan but I enjoyed the stories and history which they loved to tell to anyone who would listen. But this young man still lie heavy on my mind. He died, not from being a Quad, but loneliness. He never had any visitors and would just lay in his bed with the lights off, curtains shut with no TV or radio on with no will to live. Before his accident his age didn't give him a chance to build memories of a family with children, no one to visit him, and no one to live for. Quad or not it's a horrible thought, and young or old loneliness can be fatal. Being a quad isn't a reason to die, a childhood friend who became a semi-Quad at 12, lives in his own home, has a wife and many siblings, friends, etc and is quite happy.

I had 6 siblings, 3 still alive. We consistently visit our last uncle who had no children, and since his wife died has become incredibly lonely, we're all he has left to look forward to in life now. Reality alert here and now wished I had more kids, and when I mention friends to my 90 year old mother the response is "Friends? They're all dead!" Another reality alert as the body count rises in my own friend pool, oh oh. But my mother is blessed because she has us kids, so who will you have at 90? I see an epidemic of lonely people in the future and even today.

Putting the folks in a home when they begin to need attention is a westernism, a luxury available to those living in industrialized cultures. As is everyone being divided up into nuclear families or single individuals living in separate habitations. Otherwise the long established and widespread routine is often multi generational households. With subsistence or barely better agricultural level situations sometimes even having a tradition of those who can no longer work the fields - and thereby pay their way, as it were - being expected to go off into the woods and die.

There's no guarantees in life, never has been. But there have been patterns, and there are habits.

For many thousands of years, young people looked after their old. Modern industrialized western lifestyles changed that pattern relatively abruptly. Perhaps as the generations go by, society will re-learn ways of caring for ALL the old. Habits: are individual things. It's a good idea to get into the habit of being happy with what you have, where you are, with the people who are with you regardless of blood connections. I want to be one of the happy people in assisted living, not one of the brooding ones.

Many traditional and cultural practices that were common in times past of subsistence existences are no longer followed as more affluence and changed family practices lead to more alternatives. And, what some believe, better choices. Having to care for an oldster may be an act of love and familial loyalty but let's be honest, it can also be an overwhelming and consuming burden too that can be very disruptive and damaging to a family's home and life. When good alternatives exist, it makes no sense for the needs of one life to negatively affect the needs of several others.

I am often reminded by my siblings that I will not have anyone to take care of me when I get old. I have 2 responses. One, I tell them that the same staff at the same nursing home that their kids stuff them in is going to take care of both of us. The other I tell them that if they have not raised their children to care for their poor, spinster, childless auntie Amy then they are bad parents.

Occasionally if I am particularly tired of being nagged about it I will say that maybe I will just die tommorow and then it won't matter. 😠 But thats not often.

More and more people,especially in my generation are choosing not to have children. I believe that when the time comes that I need some assistance, there will be more and better options than there are now. Not because of any more concern for the older generations, but because it will be a bigger business opportunity than it is now.

My Mother had four children. Three lived in her city and she stayed in her home through serious hospitalizations because they stepped up to the plate. Someone who has caring children or close siblings who live close by has the best of all worlds (more cliches).

If a nursing home is the final destination, people with able children will go there at a later age.

No caring children or family nearby? Figure it out for yourself. Don't make a fuss. Now let's see, those dizzy spells following quick movement are probably nothing. Call the doctor in the morning. Make sure you know where to go in an emergency.

Even with friends who think the world of you, you will know there is a limit to what they can do and what you'd ask.

And finally, we are always advised that to stay young we should cultivate young friends. Well, most of my friends are much younger than I am -- and they are less healthy and more burdened than I am.

All this is off the top of my head. Not sorry about anything but trying to see clearly the road ahead and still work and live in the present and with anticipation for the future.

My mom was in memory care for her last four years, when it became too difficult for her to be home. It cost close to $5000/month for a shared room and was pretty shabby, but the best we could afford. (BTW, Maifleur, when it became obvious that she would need institutionalization, we had a lawyer separate her finances to qualify for Medicaid, and get her on the list. But she was in Florida, where there is limited funding and a Medicaid waiting list that can go on for years.) The place was understaffed and my brother, who lived one town over, used to go see her everyday to feed her and wheel her outside. He told me that on the sign in sheet, it was just his name over and over, plus the visiting nurses. No one else got visitors and no one but my mom ever got a chance to go outside. Now my other brother, who is severely disabled and recently widowed, just moved into a nursing home. And the same brother who took care of my mom is handling things for him. The other day he told me, "I never wanted kids because I never wanted to take care of anyone, and yet, here I am."

"Three lived in her city and she stayed in her home through serious hospitalizations because they stepped up to the plate. Someone who has caring children or close siblings who live close by has the best of all worlds (more cliches)."

This is possible with some people and in some situations, and not with other ones. A good friend with multiple siblings (not all living nearby) alternated one month shifts living with their mother to take care of her. It got to be too much and too difficult to deal with her and her idiosyncrasies. She's now in a senior living facility and my friend and his brothers and sisters are grateful they agreed to change her living arrangements, to allow them all to return to their lives as normal.

We had a similar situation with one of my wife's parents. Too needy, too demanding, too inflexible, too difficult to get reliable home care. Now in a senior living facility, for which the cost is shared among her children, and everyone is happier.

Boy, this sure hits close to home! I am now responsible for my 90 yo mother's care. She lives in a lovely assisted living facility just a few miles from us. In the past 6 months she has had Covid (breezed thru it) then a nasty case of shingles, and then 2 weeks ago she fell and broke her pelvis. This, of course, resulted in a hospital stay, and she's now in a rehab facility.

And Elmer, you are exactly right. Even though I am not her full time caregiver, it IS overwhelming. There are the phone calls, appointments to manage, finances to manage, bills to pay, etc, etc. But then I remember that my Mom probably felt the same way when she cared for her parents and her handicapped sister.

I am lucky--she is very sweet and appreciative, every day she thanks me. I always tell her "Mom, that's just what we do in our family--we take care of each other" . And--lest you think I'm some sort of angel (HA!) there are times that I just DON'T want to deal with it. I yearn to travel like we used to--without a care in the world. It's a balancing act for sure, at 70 and 75 my husband and I aren't getting any younger.

And when we get really old? Well, our son will step up and manage our care. Because it's just what we do in our family.

Elmer J Fudd

"Three lived in her city and she stayed in her home through serious hospitalizations because they stepped up to the plate. Someone who has caring children or close siblings who live close by has the best of all worlds (more cliches)."

This is possible with some people and in some situations, and not with other ones. A good friend with multiple siblings (not all living nearby) alternated one month shifts living with their mother to take care of her. It got to be too much and too difficult to deal with her and her idiosyncrasies. She's now in a senior living facility and my friend and his brothers and sisters are grateful they agreed to change her living arrangements, to allow them all to return to their lives as normal.

~~~

That is what I meant when I said those with caring and able children will go to a nursing home much later. I don't mean that having kids keeps you at home forever. In addition, the kids facilitate the move, finding the place, clearing out the parent's home, handling sales. That's the optimum.

My Mother & her sisters tried the alternate home shifts with their mother and it was too much. Grandmother went to a nursing home. The daughters then arranged that one of them would be there for Breakfast, lunch and supper/bedtime. I have relatives doing that now for a cousin.

I'm not sure if what you're calling a "nursing home" is what I was referring to. Neither my friend's mother nor my in-law are in a "nursing home". Both of them, in their 80s and 90s, were simply not able to live alone safely and comfortably in their own houses. Both are reasonably mobile and mentally aware (based on how my friend describes his mother) but no longer drive and can't walk far enough to get needed goods and services on their own. Both are in senior residential facilities where limited personal services and all food preparation are provided. My in-laws' quarters resemble a one bedroom apartment with a somewhat downsized kitchen area - call it a kitchenette. An aide comes in to monitor showering and to help with getting dressed.

Besides being in a safe place, in the case of my needy in-law, a big benefit of their being in a senior facility is that their daily parade of needs, complaints and concerns result in phone calls not always to one of their kids but more frequently instead to the front desk.

I feel bad for the parents of our DIL. Her parents sent her her abroad, from China, to attend college here in the US. She was just a teen, but she never returned to China to live. She met and married our son and they now live here and have two young kids. She is a citizen and she has been here for more than half her life.

But, she is their only child and our shared grand babies are the only ones that her parents have.

They will be alone in their old age that is fast approaching. They are both hovering one side or the other of being 70, just as we are.

They have been coming here to visit and for extended visits since the kids were born, and, of course the world is not accommodating for that right now.

DIL has some idea to bring them over here, but that is such a hard and harsh change for them to come here and live in a foreign culture where they don't even speak the language. Hubs and I are in the process of making a move and I can only imagine how upsetting it would be to move to the other side of the earth at this point in our lives.

I feel sorry for them. Even though we have not been to the home of our sons family since the virus thing started, we are still in a better position to be a part of our grand babies lives than they are.

They thought that they were doing the right thing to send her here, but, it meant that they lost their only child to a new life in the US. Now they are growing old and the have no one. Actually, they are still caring for three of the previous generation, the great grands.

The youngest of the two kids look so much like his Chinese grandmother!

I wonder if , sometime in the future when I am gone, will either of these two kids find themselves in China? Who knows what will happen in this world? It will never be a culture that they are familiar with because they are born and bred Americans. They understand a bit of Chinese, but their mother speaks English to them, mostly .