I am with you all being the mistrustful type myself. I have had this info for many years and haven't acted on it. Just curious as to what other's responses would be...

I had to make the exact same decision for me. I was adopted as an infant and found my birth mother via DNA testing.

In the end I decided to leave it alone. I did all kinds of internet searches as Annie suggested and found things which gave me pause. I decided I had no desire for drama and I was concerned about a few things.

As Arkansas girl said above, only you can answer this question. I would give yourself some time to think it through because it's not something that can be undone. I'm not sure your contact would be viewed as a happy thing by this gentleman and it may cause him significant emotional pain. So again, just proceed carefully.

This could go either way.

My question first though is for you. Do YOU find the need to find this person?

if you grew up an only child, sometimes there is a yearning to complete something you never had.

Are you the type that would WANT to help, since you know there are sad circumstances involved, I’m guessing this won’t be smooth sailing.

Then your question , opening up a can of worms for this person. What a shock for him, if he didn’t know he had a biological dad.

This happened in my family. It involved my great-grandfather. His grandson waited until the parties involved, meaning his mother and grandmother and half-aunts and half-uncles, everyone in that generation, had passed away before seeking out his cousins. His research, before Ancestry.com and Google, eventually led him to my father. In time, a good friendship developed. Not among all the cousins, but with my father. And yes, there is no doubt they are related. First time I saw him was at an airport. We were looking around for him, and I spotted him on a pedestrian bridge way down the terminal. I tapped my father and said “that’s him, isn’t it?” There was something very identifiable about his build and the way he carried himself.

The thing is, he waited until the generations, the woman in the affair and the child of the affair, and the children of the man’s marriage, had passed on. He was considerate of everyone’s feelings, but he had no other family and wanted that connection. That’s all he wanted.

I don’t know about your situation. Me, I don’t think I would reach out. I would not want to hear any “your father abandoned me, someone else had to raise me” or conversely “I know about our father, seems like a good guy, I wish I could have known him”. I think a generation of separation before anyone knows anything is better. On the other hand, you could sometime hear “you KNEW?” and you’d have to be prepared to handle that.

This is not that different than my father's story. His step dad had another family previous to theirs. Everyone knew he had been married. The four children, two step two biological from the second marriage did not know he had other children in his first marriage. I assume my grand mother did. Back then it was considered bad form to "stay in touch" all the way out was considered better than part time. Well this was my dad's opinion anyway. At my grand father's funeral his first biological children appeared. It was quite upsetting to my Uncle who took great pride in being the only biological son. They went on to stay in touch and they attended my Uncles funeral last year. After the initial SHOCK they all found it worth having more family. If you want the connection I would go forward, cautiously. Remember this half brother might not know you exist.

Kind of similar, but my Dad had a 7 year old when he and my Mom married. Then they went on to have 6 kids together. First son was a bad seed, and over the years has caused much trouble for my parents and each and every sibling. My Dad finally cut him out of his life when he (Dad) was in his late 60s. He slithered into our lives again after my Mom passed away. She had forgotten to take his name off the trust for the house, so we had to split the proceeds with him and once again he caused problems and delays. Turns out he was arrested for pulling a gun on his neighbor, and each of his 3 children have arrest records. I would caution you to not open that can of worms.

My plan is to leave well enough alone. I doubt my half brother knows of my existence or anything of his biological father. But I AM enjoying your stories!

While snooping around the internet I looked at my half brother's home which is a modest brick ranch in the suburbs - nothing wrong with that. The problem I foresee is that I am fifth generation living on the family farm. Doubt that would go over well with this stranger/relative that might feel some entitlement.

I would do nothing with this information. He is not your brother in anything but half blood.

My husband has 1/2 siblings (yes, plural) that he has no desire to ever meet. He said he has two sisters (one died a few years ago) and one brother and they're more than enough. If the half siblings have never reached out to him, he's not opening that door either. And odds are he may have met them because he has a cousin who is married to one of his bio-dad's brothers, but he didn't know he met them if that makes any sense. Back in the day his parents lived in a small town so pretty much everyone was related somehow.

I only found out a couple weeks ago that my mothers father had an affair that resulted in a son. My mother told my sister but has never said anything to me. So I have an uncle and probably more cousins that I know nothing about and as long as my mother doesn't look for her brother, neither will I.

My father has a sister that he's only met a couple times. His parents divorced and his mother remarried and that's where the sister comes in. I think her name is Yanny, or Yannie, or Jannie. Not sure, it's Dutch. From what I've heard I don't want to meet her as she threatened my father and his sister when their mother died and she assumed they wanted a cut of their inheritance. They didn't. ;)

Long story short: let it go. Why turn his world upside down now? If he doesn't know he was adopted by his father by now, let him live his life in peace. My husband found out about his bio-father when he was 12 at his bio-fathers funeral. He thought he was attending a family friends funeral who he called "uncle Leo". It was his adoptive fathers sister who said, "Oh by the way, that's not uncle Leo in the coffin to you. He was your real father". It royally screwed up my husband for years. His mother felt he didn't need to know. I think if he had never known, things would have been so much better for him in the long run.

Oh, and btw: I have a son from my first marriage and two from my second marriage. "half sibling" is one term we NEVER use in our household. They are 100% siblings.

Maybe there are no cans of worms but I do remember buying worms in a small cardboard cup with a lid on it. The cup had some worm bedding in it so they are comfy before they got laced on to the fish hook.

I have a step grandson who's mother abandoned him. She has gone to have five more boys after him! What a hole it left in his heart that his mother did that! I think he is going to find her someday and want some answers. He will be 18 this spring and she is not living in obscurity. She has a career and a family. He and his oldest half brother look like twins! Now, he has another half brother, my biological grandson.

He is going to find her someday.

My DH's father loved a good story. Without going into details, his father's first marriage ended due to her infidelity; he was not the biological father despite allowing his name on the birth certificate. I do not know the truth of this story, the child (my FIL's supposed half-brother) and the woman died many long decades ago.

eta: Debby I admire your stance on your kids calling themselves siblings. If kids live in the same household, that means a lot.

My MIL was given up for adoption as a newborn baby by her unwed mother back in the late 40s. After both of her adoptive parents passed in the 90s, she pursued getting in touch with her birth mother. Turns out her birth mother later married her biological father and they went on to have 9 more children. They all lived in the same state but several hours away. She made contact with her mother and then made some visits with her mother and siblings for a few years but has since stopped communication with all but one brother. Her birth mother passed several years ago. My wife and I stopped by for a short visit one time while traveling through the area while on vacation. It was a pretty scraggly bunch with many 'issues' from what I could tell. Think of the movie Deliverance and you'll get the picture.

I would leave it alone. I found out after my mom was in the advanced stages of Alzheimer’s that I was the product of an affair. Seems like everyone in town knew but me. The man was also married with children, I never got in touch.

After emails had ended with my half-sibling, my daughter ran a background check. Seems the husband and wife had several bankruptcies and their son had an arrest record for drunk driving and an assault charge. Their house looked nice enough but mortgaged heavily while they were in their 60's. They clearly were looking for money.

Not a good idea. No. Don't.

Continue putting one foot in front of the other in turn and keep walking.

I would consult an estate attorney depending on if your father left a will and how it read. If it read to my children and did not individually list by name if he or his children were the greedy type you might have problems. There are state laws that govern these things where there is no will. With some of the changes while there was a marriage in some states it no longer matters. Eventually someone will find out so it is better to face it but only after the consultation if a consultation is necessary.

One more thought or question for the group -- what, if anything, would you tell your kids? Genetic test kits are getting more popular, so if there is truth to the story it might (or might not, who knows) be found out someday.

My Mom had a daughter with her first husband before he died in a auto accident. She married my Dad and they had six children together, but lost one as an infant. We all grew up knowing she was our half-sister, but to us she was just our sister and we all dearly loved her.

Your situation is entirely different from mine, and in your case I would not attempt to make contact with a sibling who may not know of your existence. There's an old saying, "Let sleeping dogs lie". If you awaken that dog, he may only bark, but he could also bite.

In most states, a child who is legally adopted loses all rights to the birth parent's estate. They are then given full rights to the adoptive parent's estates as equals to their birth children. I am not an attorney, obviously, but this how it is in my state and I felt at the time that I needed it reviewed.

My children are all adults therefore I kept them updated as this situation unfolded. They found it interesting. Curious. But thought that no contact was best.

Wow, hard to believe this has happened so often. Ever watch the TV
Show "Who Do You Think You Are?" If all the facts are as written, seems

to me there is only one person who can make the decision for you to contact

or not contact. Also, have you ever thought... he may already be aware of you, and has decided he does not want to connect...even though "something tells you" he

isn't?

Your choice but keep tabs. Remember the artist known as Prince? $100 to $300 million still up for grabs.

https://minnlawyer.com/2020/03/05/death-of-prince-heir-prompts-contested-will/

My advice although I have no stories to relate (that I know of), I'd say let sleeping dogs lie.

"I would consult an estate attorney depending on if your father left a will and how it read."

This is a poor idea. From the description, the father is dead and didn't want further contact with the others - which in and of itself seems peculiar, to jettison those formerly considered to be family, including an innocent child.

I assume the estate is closed. The assets if any are distributed. Whether done as per his wishes or not, whether who others think should or shouldn't have been included, doesn't matter. It's over. The fat lady has sung.

Move on.

Funny that we send men to the moon to gain knowledge, but are afraid to meet a relative. Funny that genealogy is one of the most popular hobbies in the world.

Reunions go every which-way, depending on the individuals. I don't understand the *fear* expressed here. What on earth does this have to do with worms, except in the respect that family secrets are well known to be insidious worms within families? Look at yourself before you start assuming nefarious motives of others. Are you so special that identifying a previously secret family member would threaten you? How?

My DH was adopted as a newborn by a pair of newlyed forty-year-olds. He was never told -- although, of *course* everyone ELSE knew. DH and I adopted our son as a newborn before open adoption was an option. When DH was 42, we discovered his adoption and opened his and our son's adoptions. Everyone benefitted to the extent that all the adults involved *wanted* to be connected. I can honestly say it was life-changing (for the better) for the people brave enough to meet and at least exchange information. (DH's two full sibs and one half-brother refused contact. One half-brother was very willing to share. DH was the middle of his birth mother's five children by two different men.)

I don't know what to say about this, but I do believe you need to sleep on it a while, Jeb. If you go ahead, I like Elizabeth's suggestion of a separate email for just this situation. And Annie's recommendation to do your homework to find out what you can. You are not required to make the conatct, obviously.

“ I would consult an estate attorney depending on if your father left a will and how it read. ”

Not necessary. If the child was legally adopted by the 2nd husband, the 1st husband (OP’s father) had to give up his rights. Legal adoptions terminate legal relationships between the child and biological father.

To add to my comment about wills. My great grandfather included an interesting line in his about "Bodily issue of his daughters". Before my great aunt's estate could be closed it became very interesting.

I would leave it alone. Especially since it could turn his world upside down if he doesn't know that the man who raised him was not his biological father.

I would just file that bit of information away. I might do some research strictly out of curosity but i would not persue contact.

I could not let it go....But I see how others would. At 61 years old, let the cards fall as they may. As a side note, there is nothing for anyone to ""get" from an estate LOL.

Hmmm....I'm curious by nature and enjoy researching family history, but I'm with the others that are tempted to let sleeping dogs lie. I do wonder if someone will track you down, though, with more and more people using the DNA companies.

It's amazing all these stories. My husband has a somewhat similar situation. His father walked out when he was 4 - just left DH in a house all by himself, crying, while mom was at work. Bio dad re-married and had two boys, that DH didn't learn about until he was in high school. That family kept secrects! Bio dad reached out at that time, when DH was in the newspapers and on the local TV news for his athletic success, but DH told him to take a hike and that he already had a dad (his step-dad). The boys all met at grandma's funeral when they were young adults. They were nice enough, but they do not maintain a relationship. Bio dad died a few years ago so there really isn't a connection anymore, except the same last name.

As a child, I used to dig worms and store them in an old tin can (with dirt) that I took with me to go fishing in one of the creeks on our property. I believe this was my father's idea, but I do think that it was common in years past for people to store their fishing worms in tin cans.

My friend Jimmy's biological father was an American soldier in Korea - his mother was Korean and married a different American soldier who adopted Jimmy and took them to live with him in Michigan, where Jimmy grew up with two or three half-brothers. His half-brothers are extremely different from Jimmy, who knows next to nothing about his biological father, although when Jimmy's son was born and was blond, Jimmy's mother told him that his biological father was blond. Jimmy's stepfather and half brothers all have dark hair. Jimmy probably has half-siblings somewhere, but he has never sought them out. He also has cousins in Korea with whom he has no contact. I can't say how Jimmy would feel about half-siblings trying to contact him, but I know he has no interest in looking for any.

I did go on 23&Me, and it found the daughter of my first cousin (they call her my first cousin once removed), and it also found another first cousin once removed that I believe is one of my mother's first cousins. My mother told me that she had about 70 first cousins (I had six), and I don't think she could keep up with all of them, but her parents were good about having family reunions. For me, it is better to meet relatives casually and then decide whether I like them or not - many of them I do not.

There is always the risk that you will not like your half-brother.

Thanks for all of the input everyone. Lars - I have one brother that is two years older than me (63) and we are very different from each other. I love him, but have never really liked him. As adults we get along and are civil - he has lived on Hilton Head for the last 15 years and I have never visited him. I have been told I am just like my dad (which I believe is a good thing) - look like him, act, walk and talk like him. My brother looks more like his grandfather on my mother's side. and acts like him too. Not so much of a good thing!

I have never known most of my father's side of the family since my grandmother divorced her husband when she was pregnant with my dad in 1927 - something women didn't do at the time. My dad's immediate family are Italian and his great grandparents, aunts and uncle raised him along with his mother.

Coming from a small family I do have a curiosity about my relatives but have never gone as far as to look up information on any of the genealogy sites. Who knows - maybe I will get a call from my half brother one day!

I am an only child; my father was an only child; my only child was adopted into another family when he was born - but we've been reunited for 30 years now. His son is an only child. If I found out I had a half sibling, horses couldn't stop me from trying to meet them!

I am very involved in adoption reunions. Some are fabulous, some are awful, most are somewhere in between where something of import is gained by all involved. Secrets can wreak havoc in families, too.

I am very involved in adoption reunions. Some are fabulous, some are awful, most are somewhere in between where something of import is gained by all involved. Secrets can wreak havoc in families, too.omeone else's secret.a

A friend got contacted by a church on behalf of half sibling he never knew about. Eventually flew back east to meet the half sibling. Full siblings here all thought it was a scam and so on - my friend was the only one among them that followed up. With doing so now having added something to his life.

By the way this revelation was made not long after their mother died in her late 80s. Without ever having mentioned that she had had a kid before marrying the future father of my friend and his full siblings. So they've all gotten to middle age+ without knowing about mom's secret, and will never be able to discuss it with her.

Regarding the estate and adoption...

I am commenting on Canadian law, not American. Depending on how the will is worded ... If the siblings know the father had a previous marriage and children of that marriage, and the siblings withhold that information, the child from the previous marriage may still have a claim on the estate. If the siblings withhold the knowledge of another possible inheritor, they might be in legal trouble.

Being adopted by mom’s new husband does not terminate that entitlement to the inheritance, again, depending on the wording of the will. If dad was specific on who was inheriting, or specifically disinheriting that child. Just because you were adopted as a minor does not negate your ability to lay claim to a parent’s estate.

In the US, no family member or other heir wannabe has an automatic entitlement to anything when there's a valid will or living trust (same thing). Typically lawyers advise whichever is used include a token amount for those being stiffed (I intentionally leave my ingrate loser of a son Fred $100 and nothing more) and also a comment to the effect "any friend, family member or other person not mentioned is intentionally omitted".

In the absence of a valid document, state law dictates asset distributions.

HG that is similar to what is the law in this state. The qualificator is if there is a will and how it is written as I posted. If there is no will as Elmer mentioned state law dictates asset distributions so the earlier son may have had a claim on the estate. There is a limit on the number of years that a claim can be made in this state which used to be five years. Each state is different. Currently because of the number of children being born outside of marriage which used to bar them from any inheritance from their fathers some states have begun acknowledging them as heirs. While this is not the case here this is a link that will enlarge understanding. Caution for the easily offended it uses the old term. The Rights of Illegitimate Children to Inherit the Estate of Their Deceased Father (legalbeagle.com)

Maifleur,

Yes, The wording of the will is key since a child is still considered the deceased’s issue, even if adopted by the stepfather.

I think the bigger problem may be if the wording of the will (or lack of a will) may entitle that earlier child, but the other inheritors withhold that information. If they have enriched themselves or protected their own inheritance by withholding that information, they could be in trouble. I’m not sure the limit on the number of years would matter in that case.

If there's a will or living trust that's proper and valid, state law will have no applicability and the decedent can do what they want.

If you are tempted, I think I'd hire a detective for background info first. O you could do a DNA with ancestry. If he knows and is is curious, he will do so at some point and try to contact you.

Debby, I agree with you about half siblings.

I have a step grandson and his half brother is my biological grandson. I tell them that they are totally brothers and there is no half involved. They share a life together and they are brothers, full on brothers. My step GS has five other half brothers and he has not seen them since the first two of them were little. After that his mother just stepped out of his life entirely and went on to raise a family without my boy. My heart breaks for a boy whose mother has rejected him.

He is so much like her, as to what I have gathered about her. He looks like her, too. He has been mine since he was about 4 and he is now turning 18 this spring. He is a troubled kid, for sure. And, he is smart. Sometimes it is the really smart ones who make the worst decisions.

How would you feel towards a person who made you the subject of an investigation before agreeing to meet you for a cup of coffee? This is a great way to create bad feeling.

I'm astounded by the fear and 'circling the wagons' expressed here. We are adults who can meet others with an open mind and only later decide if we want to maintain contact.

In my experience with hundreds of adoption reunions, most people separated from their personal truths are only looking to fill that basic, primal gap. It's impossible for people who have never had that basic 'hole' in their history to comprehend the feeling. Think about your reaction if I took you aside today and told you that you only thought you knew the identity of your immediate family. Instead, you are the product of sperm donation...or you were adopted. You'd be more than 'curious'. Let's say you find someone who could provide the information you lack. Oh, too bad...he's too timid to help you. He's scared of, what? Worms?

<How would you feel towards a person who made you the subject of an
investigation before agreeing to meet you for a cup of coffee?>

I'm perfectly fine with it and think it is normal. I do not fault people for being cautious.

How would you feel towards a person who made you the subject of an investigation before agreeing to meet you for a cup of coffee?

I probably would not know they did a background check. Background checks are run for employment or financial transactions all the time, aren't they? Considering they are trying to be part of my family, it is not an unreasonable thing to do.

Elizabeth -- "They" ARE a part of your family, aren't they? This IS personal to the Nth degree.

IME, only the parties to the fact will have the truth -- granted, it's as best they understand it, but it's not what petitioners get as filtered through social workers, adoption attorneys, others who hold sealed records and *judge* what to reveal (even if what's recorded is the actual truth).

This discussion is extremely interesting. I have an older cousin who was adopted by my uncle and aunt. There was a rumor the cousin was the daughter of my mother (Uncle's sister) who was unmarried at the time. When my brother was born 4 years later, his birth certificate says he was a second born child. He is definitely the first born of the marriage. My mother and uncle are both dead and there is no one I can ask, but I sure would love to know.

Before my mother died, she told me once that when I was tiny, my uncle had wanted to adopt me because he was better off financially than my parents and thought he could give me a better life. Maybe he wanted me because he already had my sister? I'll never know and will always wonder.

A thought came to me from reading comments, not the OP's introduction. I understand that in bygone years, when unwed couples conceived children (something that a female cannot do alone), it was accepted that that resulted in a "problem" for the mother and the father went on his way without obligation. And that such situations led to adoptions under both conventional and unconventional circumstances.

All the same, I'm really surprised about the nature and frequency of how many of your lives have been touched in one way or another by broken homes, multiple marriages of your own and by ancestors, and so-called "family secrets". Maybe I've been fortunate, or sheltered, in my own life, but these situations seem to be much more common (and complicated) than I would have imagined, if the comments in this thread are representative at all. .

Good luck to all.

The Pill and access to legal abortions ended much of this. Women didn't have to surrender the socially inconvenient child. Also, for better (and for worse) single parenting became more acceptable -- along with more women in the workforce.

IME (with adoptions that took place up to about 1975), it was pathetic how many girls surrendered babies only to marry Mr. Right within a few years. Of course, the whole idea that 'nobody knew' was always ridiculous. Grandparents somehow managed to disavow a baby, only to be delighted when the child they'd forced out of the family found the birth family.

"Surrender" is exactly the right word here. It's what you do when you have no other options, no support for yourself or the child. Only a fool believes that adoptive parents are necessarily 'better' in any way other than financially. Sadly, many adoptees -- especially male adoptees -- are angry to have been 'rejected' by a mother. They don't understand the untennable position of women back then, and they believe the 'choice' argument promulgated by the adoption marketplace.

chisue, I agree with you about birth control pills. And legal abortions. But even much before that, I think condoms have been available in the US for nearly 100 years.