Census Taker: 'How many children do you have?'
Woman: 'Four.'
Census Taker: 'May I have their names, please?'
Woman: 'Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George.'
Census Taker: 'Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?'
Woman: 'Because we didn't want any Moe.'

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles

5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

13. I run like the winded.

14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

A couple of those reminded me of this quote:

“Middle age is when you’re faced with two temptations, and you choose the one that will get you home by 9 o’clock.”
- Ronald Reagan-

Good ones, Nicole! !

I'm pretty sure that 2020 has already been drinking. 😜

Oh my^^^^^

Duh! 😜🙄

I don't get the phone one?

Oly. look closely.

Where's the power bar line plugged in?

When the owner gets into a debate, could be he uses circular logic.

o j

Yes, power bar should be plugged into the wall!

No no....doing it that way completes the circuit!!

😜

Reminds me of the time I was talking to my boss at an office party who had zero practical knowledge of how anything works. A bunch of engineers were standing there with me. He was complaining about how he wanted a switch in his house so when he went to bed, he could be certain all the lights in the house were off. So I very seriously said, we have that in my house already. He was shocked...you do?? Yes. It's called the main breaker. He was impressed. The engineers were snickering and suppressing their laughter...you see, he was their boss too.

Oh, haha!