That's quite a "dysfunction" list! It's probably best it IS Zoom and not in person! At least if things get tense, you can claim faulty connection and leave. LOL

My Mother is very hard of hearing. I would love to Zoom with her, but she struggles so hard to hear. She can't comprehend sometimes, but at least she'd be able to "see" us.

No Zoom meetings for me. Just want you to know that your family sounds a lot like my mother's. I decided a long time ago to have nothing to do with any of them. It makes life so much calmer although some of the cousins children seem to be more stable than their parents.

We will Zoom with extended family that lives far away. We don't have to negotiate around any family drama with them. I wish we could Zoom with my in-laws this year, instead of seeing them in person. Things have been growing more tense between them and my DH, and I am worried that some of us will have a little too much wine and things will explode. And, of course, the health risks that come with family gatherings are on my mind, too. As it is, we will all be wearing masks and be outside. I would rather stay at home, where I would feel more relaxed and festive. Funny how the holiday that is (in my Christian family, anyway) focused on bringing happiness to others is the holiday that causes many of us stress and tension. At the end of the night, we will all wish each other peace, and then drive home complaining about each other.

It’s ok not to attend a zoom meeting. Call the people you want to talk to.

I find zoom meetings (or speaker phone calls with more then one person) annoying. Just because the technology is there it does not mean you have to use it.

Part of my family zoomed on Thanksgiving, 4 groups. It was nice to see the faces, we were last together for my mom's 97th in March, but conversation within the group is challenging. Maybe it requires each group taking a turn, like what I did on my summer vacation in school.

Agree its OK not to attend a Zoom meeting. I skipped one that was a baby shower at an inconvenient early morning time. Nobody was mad at me.

We had one Thanksgiving that was 5 households. Impromptu and took place immediately after most of us had eaten, one niece was still cooking (literally stirring pots in the kitchen), and it lasted more than an hour. That was way too long for everyone to greet each other. Most of us were ready for a nap or aware we still had kitchen cleanup and leftovers to put away.

So a tip, if planning a Zoom holiday virtual meeting, put a time limit on it. Nobody needs to cover their whole year or air grievances, discuss their hernia surgery or describe their decorations in detail. Just a Hi, thinking of you, a few smiles and 'catch up soons' and off air again ;0)

Lars.....I enjoyed hearing about your family. Mines just as "crazy". Makes me feel normal. ☺ No Zooming.

I do want to "see" my grand-nephews and grand-nieces. I saw the G-nephews at our Thanksgiving Zoom meeting, and they were a lot of fun. I don't know about the G-nieces, however. I know they are being brought up very differently, even though they are all grandchildren of our brother Mike. Mike's son is very different from his daughters, and he lives on the farm, while our nieces live in the city (Austin). Austin can be pretty different from rural Texas, but it's still Texas.

The men on my father's side of the family have a tendency to be mean and/or cruel. Not all of them, but a good percentage of them. They are either very mean or very docile. Kevin and I inherited the docile traits, whereas Mike did not.

Not a fan of the awkward family zoom calls but I wouldn’t want to be “that guy” so I suck it up and join. Hopefully they don’t lift the 40 minute limit at Christmas like they did on Thanksgiving.

One of the good things about being an old fart is that I don't have anything that would support Zoom. Thus I cannot do telehealth. (I did see a sign today for teledental - what? How does one have the teeth checked that way?)

Having been a curmudgeon for many years, my three sons are OK with sending an email occasionally. No cell phone, so no texting. No Facebook, so no one has to worry about not doing the 'like' thing. My siblings are all dead, so nothing there. My wife talks with her sisters and mother on the phone on a very regular basis, so nothing there.

Life is too short. Make calls the day before, the day after, on the day or whatever you have to do to visit with the people you like and want to converse with. It doesn't all have to happen on Christmas Day and it certainly doesn't have to be such a large group, which actually impedes good conversation.

My husband and I are only children, all the old generation is dead, and some cousins so there is no one to zoom with. Both kids live within a few miles from me but we're still not having Xmas... at least indoors. Maybe a short one outside if weather permits.

It's your Christmas participate if you want..if those that "cant' don't that's theirs not yours.

I think if I had a family with as many issues as yours does, Lars, I'd be having one on one or one on a few zoom meetings rather than trying to manage that combination.

We've been using zoom for occasional family meetings (hubby has three adult children scattered across three different states in Oz, none of them the one we live in ourselves) and it's been a good opportunity for a get together for all four, plus sometimes one of the grandkids drops in as well. I'm planning a zoom meeting with my sister in Canada around Christmas as well.

With or without a relaxation in Covid restrictions, I think we see zooming as a way to keep in touch - it sure beats the telephone.

No Zoom meetings here. I've never participated in one, and really don't particularly want to start now. We will 'make do' with old fashioned phone calls, or maybe get really wild and send text videos around. It will be strange compared to our family Christmases when we all gathered together. But better safe than sorry.

I'm sorry your family has so much to deal with, it must be hard for you and Kevin. But it's Christmas, a time for 'Peace on earth and good will to men'. So visit, via Zoom or not, with those you care about and want to visit with, and don't worry about the rest of them. Keep YOUR peace, and let the rest worry about their own.

Rusty

I absolutely do not plan on participating in both Zoom meetings and will skip the one with my brother and SIL, except for a brief visit in the background. I've never been close to them, and they do not keep in touch with me. Mike did request to be my friend on Facebook, and the first time he tried this, I denied the request, but eventually I accepted him. I rarely visit Facebook anyway. I had friended my nephew's wife but then unfriended her because I did not like her rants. I didn't know that I could put her on "ignore" but I'm okay with removing her from my friend list.

I think our nieces want to visit us again. Neither of them has been to Palm Springs, and I think they would like it - even in the summer, as they are used to heat. Our sister visited us in August and thought the heat was no worse than in Texas, especially since we have a pool.

Oh, Lars.....I did have to laugh at the summary of your family foibles. Boy, could I tell you some stories about mine! No one has even brought up a Zoom meeting, thank goodness.

No zoom meeting scheduled that I know of. I am the one family member that needs to be worked around, though thankfully not for the reasons mentioned in your post. Yeesh.

I am the only family member that works nights, weekends,holidays, some days when needed,whatever. No one else does. My employer never closes. Ever. We are always open and operational,no matter what. 24/7/365. And I work when I am scheduled to work. Period. I plan my life in my off days, as most people do. But my schedule is not like most people, so it can be difficult. This year, I am working Christmas day for someone else who asked me for that favor. It was actually a DOUBLE favor, as I am not only working Christmas for her, but a day shift as well. Well, a TRIPLE favor, since i dont really care for this person in general. But I did it, because I have no specific reason not to.....So if my family wanna zoom with me, they are going to have to schedule around that. I am working 5 am to 5 pm. I usually work the opposite 5 pm to 5 am, and sleep during the day,so when I am working, there is almost no time for me to fit it in. They had a zoom call on mother's day that i missed. They scheduled it at 10 am. Middle of the night for me,not happening. I dont know if they were mad or not, and dont really care. It is what it is. I feel like if they can't schedule it for when everyone can be there, then it doesn't really matter if everyone is there or not, so I don't feel bad about missing it. I think everyone understands that. I am not going to go out of my way, and I certainly don't expect them to either.

As for family that I dislike, I cannot really think of anyone specifically that I can't stand to be around enough not to even tolerate a zoom call. I feel lucky about that. I do not particularly care for my oldest brothers latest wife, but I don't HATE her. I can certainly fake it for a couple hours in her company. He's the one who has to live with her after all.

The only incident we have had is when I heard her whining about having to care for my nephew, who is 11 and usually is with his mom on the other side of the country. This heifer,who has 5 adult kids and 6 grandkids, who immediately quit working and went back to school after marrying my brother 6 months after meeting him, who asked me to cook half her Thanksgiving meal for the aforementioned gaggle of kids and grandkids, by a myriad of different fathers,none of whom are around, had the nerve to complain about having to "babysit" my nephew when he comes to stay with my brother,his dad. Her stepson. Who is no trouble,quiet,keeps to himself and has a very unusually high level of empathy for others. Who adores her btw. The incident was really my fault. I told her that if I ever heard her say anything like that in his hearing, or if i hear that she hurt him in any way, even if its just his feelings, that i would whoop her behind. She said she didn't believe me, and I invited her to test her luck. She is very short, much older and not in the best health. She's a weakling in body and spirit. I think i intimidated her even before this incident,though it was not my intention to do so before this incident. Since then though, we seem to have an understanding. We are cordial, even friendly. But we probably wouldn't choose each other as friends for sure.

(I wouldn't actually physically hurt her. But I would tear her down to size, and definitely hurt her pride and her feelings. If necessary. I hope her husband, the boys father, would step in before I would have to. But I would step in. Without hesitation, if I felt it necessary)

It wouldn't hurt my feelings if she wasn't on a family zoom call....

Hey! Merry Christmas right?!??!?!

Lars. Windex. Lawdy. Bless her heart.

We use House Party.

There is a Zoom holiday get-together scheduled for one side of the family. I've been attending meetings on Zoom and find it to be an acceptable alternative to meeting face-to-face when it is a meeting with a presenter or coordinator. I don't find Zoom particularly enjoyable when you are trying to have a conversation with multiple parties. I'll attend the family one that is scheduled. I can give up 40 minutes of my life considering how much family stuff I've gotten out of thanks to COVID.

My kids and grands are local so they will be over Christmas day to eat, drink and be merry. I only have some cousins left that I never was close to. My hubby is the oldest of 7, all but one brother moved from the area or out state and after his parents died we just stopped doing Christmas together. Plus you never know what the weather is going to be like for travel. No zoom meetings. It would be nuts with the amount in his family. But they all get together every July for a family reunion and make a long weekend of it.

No zooming or skype for me. I've tried skyping and the delay is so long it's really a pain in the neck. Here in rural WV internet service is really slow and difficult with anything like that.

Wow Lars! That's quite a challenging family situation!

I will be hosting a zoom session with my cousins as we won't be getting together for dinner. But we all get along and have a wonderful time.

I realize how fortunate I am sometimes - never got married or had kids and my holidays have been self orchestrated for a very long time. Luckily a couple wonderful families have "adopted" me and I've never been at a loss for something to do! I've had ribs on Thanksgiving or have lived vicariously through friends for Christmas (the clean up is a snap.) It is what you make it!

Whatever you do this Xmas relax and make it as FUN as possible!

I cherish all of my warmest memories at Christmastime and am thankful that I had the great experiences with my friends and family that are no longer here. Show yourself and other kin folk a little love while you can! Zoom meeting or phone call, check in on your loved ones. It will make some great memories I'm sure!

Lars, at this point I feel a little bit like this about missing people. ( not yet at the point of drinking gin for breakfast 😂).

My MIL comes to mind. I think she’s got serious issues. I can’t get into it, but she has hurt my husband, his brother and two sisters. Psychological kind of hurt. Ironically, she has always been accepting of me. When I met her however, 1983, I was very quiet. Eager to impress her, very insecure. Perfect! I was 20.

My family has plenty of baggage too. I miss our get togethers though on both sides.

Zoom meetings? I almost feel like trying to organize one just for entertainment value. Not on Christmas or Christmas Eve though. I’m looking forward to a very laid back holiday. I’m embracing it. No running around etc. I feel guilty about my mom. I know it’s rough for her and she’s lonely but I can’t change what’s going on in the world. She’s legally blind and tech challenged so zooming not going to work.

Sorry for the long blab.

Much like in person visiting, it really might make more sense to visit online with others on just a regular day in February or June, or any other day of the year rather than at the holidays. Holidays bring out the worst in family relations, the worst.

All these people who are together by accident of birth don't necessarily like each other.

I am so different from my brother in world views and lifestyle. I spoke with him and his wife yesterday on the phone and I could tell that SIL was trying to protect him hearing things that set him off as she says that he has gone off the deep end in right wing hysteria. We are, indeed, different.

You don't choose your family. I have often realized that if not for the fact that we are related, we would never in this world choose one another as friends. Family is an odd thing, very odd.

Lars, I understand the family dynamics that you are facing.

I, too, am out of Texas and I have relations down there that have amazed me that they are still alive after all the stuff they have done to themselves and others. They are well on their way to producing multi generations of themselves, just like Joe Sixpack in the movie "Idiocracy".

I want no part of them.

Have you watched the movie "Hillbilly Elegy"? Dysfunctional family and he triumphs over it.

My Mum still thinks Zooms are ice lollies, so she’d be too mystified to join in, and importantly, she doesn’t have a computer.

As for the rest of my motley crew, ummm, let’s just say that would be ‘interesting’, as one half haven’t got round to catching up with the other half in about 25 years, and the word awkward springs to mind.

I’m the sole survivor of the hostilities who still manages to speak to them all, but mostly on the phone, individually, and very tactfully.

I’m looking forward to seeing them all, soon, but it’ll be in person, and hopefully with real hugs back on the table.

Great post Lars. I love weird family dynamics.

Lars, I hope your family favorite nieces will visit you. Those visits can be the best for both sides, yours and for them. As for the Zoom calls, do what you are most comfortable doing and don’t feel guilty about it.

We do a couple of Zoom calls with friends. Originally these started out at an hour. Just right. Now one has gone into more like 1.5 hours and it really eats into your evening and dinner time for us now. The other is full of people who dont realize they are sitting way too close to the camera (I swear you can see every wrinkle and large pore), make weird sounds which then makes their image pop up, and too many people talking at once. As a result we don’t participate every week. The one professional Zoom Board meeting I do once a month is fine as everyone mutes except the speaker or if one needs to ask a question. Most use the chat function for comments/questions.

I have never zoomed but I have to confess that when my niece called and told me that her new phone was able to face time I cringed. While she knows I like my privacy and would just laugh if she saw me roll my eyes as I do with another person that calls but I would need to remember not to make those almost automatic facial gestures.

I had a very pleasant zoom meeting with a group of distant relatives on Thanksgiving Day - we had discovered each other through my quest to find out something about my grandfather, from whose siblings they are descended. I had exchanged emails with a couple of them, and a phone call with one, but had never seen them. They, their spouses and their children and in-laws participated - one from her car as they were driving home, one from off shore, and the rest from 3 other locations in another state. They were all 1st-2nd cousins once or twice removed themselves, originally from 3 different countries! I was very pleased and surprised to be included and much enjoyed it.

My own siblings, nieces and nephews - nope, never hear from them (and in the case of my sister, I don't feel that it is a loss, unfortunately).

Families can be . . . um . . . complicated. My family is relative small, so no issues such as you describe, Lars. But the pandemic is a big issue. My kids and most of my grandchildren live nearby, but with students home from college in different parts of the country and two of my kids working outside the home, plus small children in the family too--including a baby--we're being cautious and staying apart this Christmas. We'll plan one or more Zoom events.

Now is not the time for in person family gatherings.

For me, there is never a good time for in person family gatherings, and so I think the Zoom meeting will be sufficient. I will log in for only one of them.

I've not seen Hillbilly Elegies, but if it is on Netflix, that will not be an option for me, although I do want to see it eventually, but there is no rush - I can wait.