They wear masks IN THEIR HOME??!! WOW just WOW. Social distancing IS NOT A THING in a school. It cannot be. If that picture bother's anyone then their kiddos should be total distance learning. The "goal" was 3feet "or whatever you can manage. So in other words NOT A THING. Cafeteria tables for 8 are set up with table tents that say "seats 4" and the four at the table are all shoulder to shoulder at one side. Teachers are not all frightened of getting *19 from their students btw...some might be but again then STAY HOME. Transferring this fear to kids is child abuse.

Child abuse? What a "kind" way to disagree. I guess you lack the empathy gene. Are you a parent of young children, or do you have young grandchildren? If not then I doubt you've read much on Covid and kids.

Where in the world did you get your info about teachers not being frightened of getting Covid from their students? You didn't know that many teachers beginning last Spring have already caught Covid from their elementary students, and some teachers have died?? However, it looks to be the Ex in question really isn't afraid which is just stupid, but I didn't tell her that. What a way to teach kids how to act during a major pandemic.

Read carefully. The kids are 10 and 12, with 10 being the age when kids can spread Covid like adults due to the amount of air they inhale and exhale. Another member in the household can catch Covid before the kid show any symptoms, if they do show symptoms.

Masks at home. You must not have read what I wrote. No one wore masks at home until school started, and when the kids come home, they only wear them in the public rooms where the parents are. Like the living room, kitchen, offices. They can go mask free when they're not around one of the parents, like in their bedrooms, bathrooms, wherever. NO WAY do they wear them all the time.

On a side note, I greeted them at the end of the driveway when the bus dropped them off after school and both of them immediately put their masks on. I told them to take them off since we're outdoors & had a longish walk up the driveway to their house. My house is closer to the road . I'm very proud of them because they were taught by their dad they're protecting others when they do that.

Social distancing in elementary schools is hard but the school is doing their best. But when you have the teacher who is the mother of DS's children bent down cheek to cheek inhaling SPITTLE from the kid, with arms around him, well my friend, that kid just passed every germ in his family to my grandchildren.

One kid (12) in DGS's class has his grandpa with cancer living with them. Do you know how easy it is now for grandpa to catch Covid even when he doesn't go anywhere?

My grandchildren are smart and they don't live in fear, but they have learned what to do and not do during this pandemic, and they're old enough to know if an adult catches Covid it could be bad.

BTW, it's basketball season here and we heard no one in the stands at the gym wear masks or social distance. Is it any wonder our town is still rising daily with the virus?

Wearing a mask when around the parents isn't a lot to ask, if it keeps their dad and MY son alive.

Please do your research.

And you never did tell me if what I did was right or wrong. :) But thanks for the unfact-checked remarks.

Wow, lots to digest here. First of all, once someone posts on Facebook, it is out there for the world to see. You were up front and owned your part so you need to accept the consequences. You believe you were justified, she thinks you meddled. Now, onto the ex DIL... When she became the ex, you are now the other side forever. I also agree with Arcy, the grandchildren should be distance learning. They are naive to think all kids are separated all day.

I'm sorry this happened, Oak. I know how it feels, having lost what was a close friendship with someone dear to me over a social media disagreement. I know what it is to feel wrongfully accused and misunderstood. It's very hurtful, and one of the reasons that I now believe that Facebook, Instagram, and the like have a dark side that I want no part of.

Your ex DIL is childish. She chose to post a photo that she had to have known could be viewed in a negative light and then lashed out defensively when it revealed a consequence. It sounds to me like she experienced some regret, either in sharing the photo or in doing so on a platform where others might make (as she likely saw it) a judgment about her, and was probably acting out of defensiveness and perhaps a bit of embarrassment.

People can be so ridiculous about "their" social media. I don't think that what you did was wrong, necessarily, but she obviously felt slighted and the fact that she said you went "behind her back" tells me she has an untenable idea of what social media sharing opens one up to.

Apologize for any part in hurting her feelings (if you are so inclined) and move on as best you can, but know what this may have put a wedge between you. It's a shame, particularly when protecting one another from this deadly pandemic is our number one job, and knowing how you think about it, I believe that was your motivation.

Hi Oakley.

I think you had to say something. If you’re anything like me you wouldn’t have been able to sleep at night if you hadn’t. Those are your grandchildren and that’s your son. To me it sounds as if you did it very diplomatically.

That said, we have had some of these stresses since March. Not everyone being on the same page has caused real drama. Our small family bubble has been mostly careful enough, but we’re here in NYC. It was beyond life changing scary. I have my 91 year old mother nearby that I care for, and my daughter lives next door with her baby. I help her too, he’s just born on July 10. She is totally terrified of this disease. School starting here is a disaster waiting to happen. I don’t see how it can possibly be done safely. Too many people going to and fro. People indoors interacting with others.

I think the protocols your son and wife are taking sound reasonable and will help to keep them safe.

Take it easy on yourself. What you did came from a place of caring and love.

So sorry, you are dealing with this. I don’t really think you did anything wrong, you were acting in the interest of your son and that’s pretty normal. She posted it, so she put it out to the world, that’s on her.

What should you do in future situations like this with something you observe, not necessarily with the ex’s actions, but with anyone’s, is possibly fodder for a conversation with your son. Does he want you to say something or not? In this past instance I assume your son appreciated knowing? Or did it cause him more stress? Was it helpful to him?

I would also ask if perhaps you should not have tried to avoid confrontation with the ex. Note, I have a parent who is a confrontation avoider and so I am a rip the bandage off kind of gal as a result. This aspect is the only thing I question, but this is part of my own issues, and so please ignore. I would probably have sent the ex an email immediately saying, “gosh I loved your pictures from parents night on Facebook, but it looks like there was a lot of physical closeness and now I have to mention it to DS or I’ll be a bad mommy. Just wanted to give you a heads up so you’re aware...”

Know too that posting about the experience here opens you up to comments from a few who don't believe that this pandemic is deadly serious. You don't have to engage with them. Very recent events have proven that there are certain emboldened mindsets that are not at all interested in reasoned discussion on the matter.

I hope you are soon feeling better about all of this. I so know the misery and the "taking to your bed" because it has so completely deflated you.

Oakley said 'someone posted the photo' she didn't say her ex DDIL posted it. In any case I usually think it's best to go to the source if possible and contact your ex DDIL directly. That avoids the 'talking behind my back' comments. But I do think that if the children have to wear masks at home in the public spaces then perhaps remote learning is the way to go.

Yes, you're right. The ex-DIL may not have posted the photo, and that may have added to a sense of embarrassment that she had somehow been "exposed" for being careless.

These are unusual times, to say the least, and what might have been considered “interfering “, before, was the right thing to do, now. So sorry for your despair, but I agree with your motivations, to find out about the school’s policies. Had that not been your exDIL, but just another teacher, you would have done the same thing.

No, I would not have emailed. Th ex and the kids are all getting some exposure at school, either in the classroom or other spaces. Is there any way the kids can opt for online only school?

Wearing masks at home and eating outside is a little excessive when it's people from within your own household.

If people inside the family “safety bubble” have to venture outside of it among other people, that you have no idea how careful or careless they are being, you have to err on the side of caution.

I am firmly with Ida on this. I believe if your DGC are that careful one their own, she chose a behavior that is risky for THEM.

I'm not sure you were wrong, but I do think you could have handled things better. First of all, as mentioned above, I would have gone straight to your ex DIL. The emails, texts, etc. they just leave us open for arguments because so much is lost in the written word rather than actually talking. She is the mother of your grandchildren and it sounds like she and your son may not agree on how to handle the covid issue concerning their children. I will be honest and say that I think your son and DIL are going overboard on precaution. Unless they have health issues, they are not in a high risk group and while I do believe they should be careful (as we all should!), I think they need to relax a bit.

Do the grandkids have the option of online school? If so, it sounds like that might be best. Here we really have not had a big increase in cases in our schools although the schools do have a plan in place if numbers rise. I believe most will go to a period of online learning only,

Covid is a very serious issue and scary. I certainly think every one of us should take it seriously and take precautions, not just for ourselves but for others. But I also think, things are going to have to open up at some point, very slowly and cautiously. We can't live in quarantine forever. I would think it is especially hard for children. I know many who have missed school, missed their friends. Sometimes it's hard to know what is the best thing to do.

I don't think it's too late to pick up the phone and have a long chat with your ex DIL and try to clear the air. Tell her what you've said here, making sure she knows how much you still care for her. I wouldn't get into who has done what for who, just let her know you are sorry that your email caused a problem (not that you are sorry for the email) and you hope she will understand you did it out of concern for your grandchildren. Then, pick yourself up, shake those bad feelings off and stay out of that bed! You know you did what you did out of love and concern for your grandchildren. You cannot control what others do.

ETA: Oakley, I just thought of something. You said your DIL is not working due to her concerns of Covid, what about your son? Is he working? Many people are continuing to work during this pandemic (and must of course). But then again, outside germs are brought in.

With hindsight being 20/20, yes you were wrong in not asking your ex-DIL directly. Or even mentioning seeing the photo. The last thing an ex wants is to hear criticism from their ex.

But, don’t continue to beat yourself up over it. We all make mistakes.

Oak, you wrote that the kids pulled the masks up when they met you after getting off the bus. If they don’t have those masks up while on the bus, they aren’t being as careful as they could be.

Unless the Grandchildren remain in their family bubble 100% of the time chances are they will be exposed and may bring the virus home. Do the parents share custody? If so, their time spent with their mother may not include the same Covid precautions as your son.

Good luck. Stay healthy.

I also hate conflict and I would be beside myself knowing that someone felt hurt and angry over something I had done. I would want to fix it. For me, I would probably send ex dil an email apologizing for sending the picture to your son without her knowledge. You two had a long and loving relationship. She trusted you with personal matters. I get the feeling you know her well. Yet that one single picture painted her as someone who is flagrantly ignoring covid precautions. That may not be accurate in how she teaches. Do you know the fuller context of the photo? Or her level of precautions on a daily basis? Was there an issue with the child that caused her to hug him? If you had reached out to her prior to sending it, perhaps she could have reassured you that this is NOT how she operates and why it occurred and that would be that. A one off. And if you still felt the need to send it to your son, at least you would be able to add a reasonable explanation . Or, she could have told you your concerns were silly, all kids need hugs and you could send it to him with that background.

I'm glad you are socially talking again, but I wouldn't expect your relationship to return to what it was without a heartfelt apology on your part.

Again, as a caveat, I hate knowing that I have hurt someone, either deliberately or inadvertently and will always try to make it right.

The more I think about this, the more I think that Oakley's actions can be "excused" as those of a grandmother who is merely saying, "You kids need to be more careful out there!" Yes, she should have perhaps spoken to her ex-DIL first, but then again, those are her son's children that she's concerned about, and her grandchildren. The only thing more tenacious than a mama bear that I have seen is a grandma bear. Part of me thinks that while this perhaps could have been handled a bit more gingerly, Oakley gets a pass for being hyper-focused on the younger ones in her life that she obviously cares fiercely about protecting.

I agree with what Lukki Irish said, and empathize with that feeling that is so hard to ignore because the other side of your brain is saying, "But, but, but.....!" I've had things blow up on me too, and then I've had to admit to myself that so often the chaos was precipitated by a feeling that I shouldn't be 'going there,' and I rationalized 'going there,' and then found myself in a mess. Something that has worked for me is to make a temporary decision, as in "okay, let me just sit with this for 24 hours and then see how I feel." I still ignore that feeling at times and forge ahead, but I'm trying to get better.

In this particular case, I do think you should have ignored the photo. There was nothing in that photo that your son should not have already assumed was happening in a school environment. If schools could be run with 6-feet of social distancing at all times and masks at all times, that would be a wonderful thing. But there is no way that is happening. No way, no way, no way. Even adults have had the experience of going to the neighbors for a socially distanced get-together in the driveway, and within a few hours, masks have come off and chairs are pulled closer. Dogs go from being pet by one person to the next, etc. I've known of people who were shocked to see photos of themselves later and only then realized they were frequently only three feet from other people. It's the familiarity of friends and neighbors that causes these recently erected walls to crumble. Now imagine you are only 8....

That said, okay, big deal, you messed up. You didn't kill or maim anybody, you didn't have sinister motives. Let. yourself off the hook. You're a human being just like the rest of us, and you messed up. It won't be the last time. Pick yourself up, dust. yourself off, and put your big girl panties on! You'll be fine!

I think maybe if you wanted to know if the school, had changed their social distancing protocol you should have messaged ex DIL directly since she is actually working there and not your DS.

Your intentions were good but maybe there was a better way to go about it. Give the situation some time for hurt feelings to settle down.

Now that I’ve read the responses, I just want to clarify something in mine that may not have come across clearly. I don’t think your need to speak up was wrong especially where family is concerned. It was the method to your madness that should have been gone about differently that’s all.

I'll be back in a bit, the doctor's office is forcing me to come in for a visit this time, no more phone appts until I go in person for blood work and stuff. How I dread it. The office had best not have any other patients waiting. :)

Good luck! Your doctor's office should be safe. Any dental/medical appointment we've had, waiting is in your vehicle till they are ready for you. Hubby's covid test was even in the car! I'm getting an allergy shot this afternoon and hoping for an outside visit with my dad (masked and distanced of course!!).

I'd have probably done the same thing.

Her overreaction may just be defensive, indicating she knew she was wrong.

DF is a principal, says her teachers are quite fearful, some terrified, of getting or passing COVID19 to family members.

I did the same thing but fortunately without the backlash. My ex-SIL posted a picture of her and a bunch of friends at a summer party with no masks and no social distancing on FB. She lives just across the border in Washington. I am really close to her daughters (my nieces) who live about 10 minutes away from me. They both have young kids who had to stop going to school in spring,,One of my nieces works in hospital and the other is a lawyer who is and has been very careful with social distancing.

You bet I told them what their mother was doing especially because she was still coming up to see them and what lies she was telling the border I have no idea.

Oakley - I think what happened needed to be brought up and even if you went to your ex-DIL first, your son and his family still needed to be aware.

Just keep that mask on and keep your distance where you can. They need to keep the staff safe so they must be careful. I admit I was a nervous wreck when I had an appointment a while back.

I think you were right to tell DS.

She was...well, not THAT strange to be upset even though FB is a freeforall. (Maybe DS really yelled at her?)

She overreacted a little bit.

You two kinda made up.

I declare this to have been a normal fight that has run its course and everything is going to be okay again.

EXCEPT: The reported behavior totally screws with DS's family's efforts to take care of themselves. I hope they continue to be safe AT HOME, which I would have thought was weird but now it has been proven that they are right to semi-isolate at home.

Remember, the doctor offices have been doing this 6 months. They've got their procedures in place, including mandatory mask wearing.

Looks like everybody has this covered. The only thing I can think to add is that not everyone is super sensitive and their feelings may not be as strong or long lasting as your own.

I have to remind myself of this often, since I tend to ruminate too much over my mistakes.

This is a tough one. You can't control other people, but if you think their behavioral choices are going to put you and other people at risk, it's a difficult situation. I live with this every day. My 88 year old father refuses to ask people to follow social distancing and mask and hand washing rules when they are around him for fear of losing their friendship. Some are willing to take it into consideration, other won't or can't wrap their heads around it. We do the best we can. Your son is probably already aware that his kids are having heightened exposure due to his ex wife's profession. Not only are there all of their school contacts (the kids, their friends and friends' parents and classmates) but ex daughter in law is exposing the kids to all of her class and their families. That's a risky, wide net of contacts, because it is uncontrolled and nothing you can do about it and probably little she can do about it if she wants to keep her job. Tough situation but son probably was already aware of the situation and is probably trying to make the best of it.

We have the same situation in our family, one custodial parent is a cancer survivor with a weak immune system due to it being leukemia, and so therefore follows and is lucky enough to be able to implement with work, a strict social isolation and distancing protocol with his home and custodial children. But the one non custodial child is at school, has a mother who runs a group home so is exposed to lots of unknowns daily, and is in contact with other siblings and family members and all their contacts which are too many to track. A very difficult choice for family members to make.

I hope we pull together as a nation and create more avenues and ways for families to deal with these life and death matters. There is no easy solution. No good resolution. Just let it go. And decide how you are going to behave going forward with this situation that you can't control with the other players. One can try, but if they react negatively, one has to decide what to do. I have had to cut off contact with many people and so has my Dad. Very sad all the way around.

I think the pandemic has presented many of us with issues that we have never faced before and when those issues are combined with the minefield of ex-relationships, it is all that more difficult. I would get a headache just contemplating trying to maintain and categorize those relationships between ex-DIL, son, etc. I am not saying it is wrong to maintain those, but the work involved for me would be overwhelming. I can feel for your ex-DIL, she has a job she has to do. To be on one's guard all day as a teacher of young children who often need those physical connections, etc. has got to be draining. I am not even sure that your kids participating in full remote learning would be all that beneficial, unless they were not allowed to see their mother until the pandemic was over (not a viable option for most).

I do think that if you want to know about the change in the covid policies at the school, you would get the most accurate data from your ex-DIL as she is in the school. Your son may not be happy about the increased risk from his ex-wife but I do not see that there is much he can do about it. He can do the best he can and the ex-DIL can do the best she can. I would say it just demonstrates the problems of not having a national policy on covid for schools, etc. and the burden that it is placing on families across the country to navigate what is appropriate and what is not. It definitely sucks rocks. I will say that it is a testament to both you and your ex-DIL that you have since tried to overcome this and move on. In the future, I would tread very lightly in that area between them, but something is bound to go wrong in the future and now you know that there is a chance you can overcome it all.

I’m in the minority, Oak. I think you were wrong. Just because you know your motives were not divisive doesn’t excuse the action. The end really does not justify the means. If you were perfectly satisfied telling your son what you saw you would have called or sent your ex DIL a message telling her that, knowing how fearful and how careful your son and his wife were, you felt obligated to tell him. That simple act would have absolved you of any perceived wrongdoing. Instead you DID go behind her back and you did beg your son not to “tell” on you. Not to mention that you’ve now let your son and new DIL know you will tell tales. Even though this particular situation was (supposed to be) to their benefit, next time it might not be. That lesson won’t be lost on them, either.

I would’ve taken it up with the ex-DIL first to get all the facts, including school policy. Then, if and only if it wasn’t resolved with her pledging to be more cautious, I would’ve gone to DS.

She's the ex.

Oakley's son and current wife and the grandkids rank higher, no matter how much she cares for the ex. Sure, things could have been handled more smoothly but it's okay.

Everyone was an awkward doofus, and that's because FB causes awkward doofism.

Fori, that last sentence of yours is the most astute thing said in this thread. Seriously. I thought I would have tremendous Facebook and Instagram withdrawals when I ditched my accounts, but I absolutely do not miss those platforms in the least. Maybe Oakley will end up viewing Facebook as a liability in time, instead of feeling a loss over her deleted account.

I only have time to post a few comments, but you guys are the best! I love hearing how you'd have handled the situation. The bottom line is what type of personality are we dealing with. Since I'm long winded, I only have a time to address a few things, and I'm barely proof reading what I write.

They can't distance learn because the school isn't offering it even though I believe the CDC recommended our state do it because we're in the high category but our lovely Guv said "Open back up!"

There was good reason not to bring up the photo with her with her because of how she totally flipped out on me 7 years ago when they were living here while their house was being built, and we'd just finished a half-house remodel with a brand new kitchen with new granite. I swear to God, all I did was ask DS if they would clean up after the kids, including picking up toys from the LR before we all went to bed. Instead they left it for me to do. DS seemed fine, he passed the message to her, she barged in my office when I had the door close, chewed me out and then threatened to keep me from the kids. DS doesn't know she said that to me but she did. At the end of our conversation about cleaning the counter she started her apology with "I'm sorry, but...." and then I cut her off and told her never add a "but" to an apology. :)

End of argument and we haven't had one cross word with each other since. I simply was too afraid to mention the picture out of fear since she is no longer married to my son. You really get to know people when you live with them. lol. But she is a wonderful girl and happens to get angry for the wrong reasons.

I never meddled during the marriage or after the divorce. They are great friends, and wonderful co-parents. I just wish they were still married though. :( :(

Ida, the parent who took the picture posted it to FB, and ex-dil may have felt awkward at removing it. But I agree with FB. I told DS the other day I was missing it, and he said, "Don't." lol Especially with politics. To be honest, life is less stressful not checking FB. If America becomes a nicer place, I may go back. But not now.

Fori, I have a feeling DS became angry and I really don't blame him, she got caught red handed and blamed it on me. This is life and death we're talking about.

Let me be clear about something. We're all aware of the risk when the kids are at school around other children, and teachers are supposed to be keeping an eagle eye on them. Only one class at a time at recess. There is only one class per grade and the classes are around 25 students each, give or take. The cafeteria is in the old gym and it's huge. They could put kids ten feet apart and there'd still be room.

What I'm objecting to is no matter who the teacher is, literally getting into a child's face with no masks or social distancing. Therein lies the danger. I didn't ask DS what he said to her, but I do hope he brought it up. It was irresponsible behavior.

Be back later, and again, you guys are the best!!

fori, the present DIL most certainly does not “rank” above the mother of the children!! I’m assuming the mother and father share custody? They need to work together and come up with a plan to keep their children safe.

Ida, the parent who took the picture posted it to FB, and ex-dil may have felt awkward at removing it. But I agree with FB

She should have her account set up so that she needs to approve pictures being posted onto her timeline - especially since she is a teacher!

First, please let me borrow Lukki's first paragraph: "You want honest, so I’m going to be honest, you want kind and you can trust, what I’m saying is coming from a kind place inside, you’re just probably not going to like the input I have to offer. But that’s ok, it will still be food for thought...right? " So, Oakley, please take my response in the same vein.

When you wrote, "I could have ignored the picture and kept my thoughts to myself but my heart told me DS needed to know. I didn't want to bring it up to the ex because I knew it would come out the wrong way. I emailed DS and described the picture, NOT to rat her out, but to ask if the school had dropped their Covid procedures, what little there are," that made me wonder if that is true, then why you just didn't check with the school either by phone or on their webpage. No need to involve anyone else. Whatever your motivations were, and I do trust that you were operating out of a concern for your son and his family, once you checked with the school, I would have checked with your son's ex first. Is she the teacher of your grandchildren? If not, what the picture showed would probably not have had an immediate impact on them and it sounds as if they really are taking very strong precautions anyway. If your son did become angry, he may not have handled it well, so I would have cut her some slack.

Glad things are better, but maybe let them deal with stuff on their own.

So, you knew what would happen if you spoke to your ex DIL in advance and it’s exactly what happened anyway when you didn’t tell her first. You feared the same outcome in both scenarios, chose the one that ultimately did your relationship more harm. Tell her first = concerned grandmother. Tell on her to your DS = meddler.

If she has forgiven you, whatever that means in your lexicon and practice, maybe you stop worrying about it?

Oakley- Please forgive me if I am overstepping my bounds and you can choose to ignore everything I say here. I am not going to address whether you were right or wrong, because that isn’t important. What is important is that you got so sad and scared that you took to your bed and cut yourself off from the world. Anxiety and depression are awful monsters that many, especially women have been raised to believe are “normal” and have to be lived with. It's not and you don't. In addition, Covid 19 is exasperating these conditions. Your pain is evident. I understand your pain and know you don’t have to live with it forever. Even if you don’t want to leave the house consider speaking with someone on-line or the phone. It is life changing. It is also scary to confront your feelings. Here are some resources that may help you, Full Catastrophe Living and the CD, Mindfulness For Living by Jon Kabat Zin. He is a Harvard educated doctor and founder of The Stress Reduction Clinic and the Center for Mindfulness in Medicine, Health Care, and Society at the University of Massachusetts Medical School. Life is too short to live in pain and we all care about you and your total wellbeing.

Right or wrong? Only you can decide that. But I probably would have called my ex DIL and expressed my concern that she doesn't seem to be taking the most cautious approach to exposure involving her kids and your grandkids. While the kids may have less risk, she should understand that they could carry the virus home to you, who is in a more vulnerable category and ask her to be more careful for all of your sakes. I'd probably add that you'd hate for them to lose their mother to this virus.

That is well timed, thoughtful advice Hcbm.

John kabat Zin is a favorite of mine.

You were rightly concerned about the picture but you handled it passive aggressively so I see that as you being in the wrong. However, you have since told the truth and fessed up and you have apologized so let it stay in the past and moving forward remember that acting directly with your questions and concerns always results in better outcomes.

I work in an elementary school and we have mask rules. Three weeks in and no school spread has occurred. I am very high risk but my daughter, in middle school and playing on a soccer team sans a mask, does not have to wear a mask ever at home with just us. If someone is in our house, dh has physical therapy after double knee replacement so three times a week, we all wear a mask while the pt is in our home. We do have a plan to isolate( sick family member will stay in the master bedroom and have meals dropped outside door and wear a mask whenever that door opens). So yes in public areas of the home we would wear masks if anyone of my immediate family tests positive but until than we will live as usual within our four walls.

I do think the anxiety your DS and new wife are expressing around your grand children might be not only a tad excessive I feel it could be damaging. They might want to address their concerns and course of action with their pediatrician.

First off..... hearing how the ex talks to you now and when she was living in your home is simply horrible. I can not imagine talking to my mother in law who was kind enough to let my family live in her home, that way. All you were asking was for them to pick up after themselves. To me, her response and attack on you sounds like she has her own anger issues.

I personally do not see what all of the fuss is about in you telling your son. You are an adult. You were concerned. Maybe in hindsight you could have done things slightly differently. We all do things on a daily basis that we think back on and wish we had said or done differently.

She does not sound like the kind of woman that I would want to be close to. However, it is difficult bc she is your grandchildren's mom. I would not beat yourself up or feel bad. You learned a couple of things from this experience and that is a good thing. Now you know more and how to react in the future.

DO NOT BEAT yourself up over it. I personally think it is a minor incident. Each person has their own thoughts on Covid and safetly. I respect that. As long as it does not endager someone else. If your grandchildren wear a mask at home around their parents then that is how their family are dealing with it. Everyone has the right to deal with it as they see fit. There are always various reasons and variables for this.

BIg ((((HUG)))) Oakley. I hope you can put this to bed and not second guess yourself. Life is short.

My state is officially in the red zone and I believe #4 in the nation of cases. But hey, "it is what it is." ;)

Roarah, one of the many scary things with Covid is the kids could already have it and never show symptoms and then give it to the adults. Your school is doing the right thing by having the kids wear masks. And it's worse when the mother teaches and gets in the faces of kids and other adults who don't wear masks.

As I said above, the grands are totally cool with everything and they actually find it all to be interesting stuff. They've learned quite a bit about germs and how they spread because of their wonderful step-mother being an RN. DGD now wants to be an RN. Last year it was a Vet. :)

I forgot to address the family eating meals outside and someone above said that was excessive. Have you seen their front porch? It's like a long veranda which sits high up, has several seating areas and a large outdoor dining table and chairs which were put there before Covid. They love eating al fresco, it's a new adventure, a beautiful view, and a great time for conversation. DS is keen about any anxiety but both kids have that wonderful laid back personality. They've got the mask at DS's home down to an art. It really does make me proud.

None of us know how our immune system will react to Covid. Perfectly healthy adults have been dying from it. DS still gets a high fever when he gets a cold or the flu. When he was little I'd have to take him to the ER a few times to help get his fever down. He and I both keep that in mind with Covid.

This is sad, a local in the next town over, a very healthy 20 something guy, had moved to CA after graduating and recently died of Covid while living there. We just don't know what will happen so erring on the side of caution is the way to go.

Update. All's well that ends well! She and I are back to our normal chatty selves and catching up from the past few weeks of silence, telling each other funny things that have happened to us and how the kids are. I'm happy!

Okay, time for someone else to do a topic about their current drama so I can tell you if you were in the wrong. lol

“current drama so I can tell you if you were in the wrong“
You asked.

I had three thoughts as I skimmed through the responses.

1. I have blocked and been blocked on FB - both relatives and acquaintances. I tell myself "It's FB. Get over it." I think this is the least of your worries.

2. Ex is the key word in all of this. Divorced parents have enough to deal with between the two of them - trying to make things normal for their kids - and outsiders (yes, even family) need to stay out of it. I was an adult when my parents divorced and other people meddled to the point of ruining my access to one of my two parents. If you want to be friends, fine. But it needs to only be about you and exDIL. Keep the kids out of the discussion.

3. Concern and meddling can easily become the same thing. Before you act remember the saying "if you have to ask" and then take the right path.

I am struck by how we are all stuck in this "black and white" "either/or" way of thinking. Perhaps it is just a difficult, trying time and difficult life event and there are many perspectives and many ways of handling it. i would, as I mentioned, let it go and also let go of having to be perfect and "right" all the time, or beating myself up for being "wrong." Some situations warrant that level of scrutiny, but there is so, so much in life that is gray without a clear one, two three narrative. Most of life is not a diametric proposition. We do ourselves and our community a great disservice when we put this level of pressure on so many things. We obsess about the minutia and lose energy that could be used for other purposes.

TMI here, and so I will simply post my reaction to the OP.

Personally, I would have sent a copy of the photo to the ex-DIL and ask her what was happening, in a friendly non-confrontational way. I would have given her a chance to respond before going behind her back to your son. This way you would not have had to ask your son not to tell his ex. Any time you say "Don't tell XXX," you should be prepared for XXX to be told. When someone does something that bothers you, confront the person who is bothering you - don't involve anyone else - at least at first. Anyway, the fewer people involved in such a situation, the better.

I hope everything resolves itself satisfactorily. I do think it is difficult to get someone's trust back, once they feel wronged, but it's not impossible. Some people are more forgiving than others. I hope you can get beyond this as quickly as possible. I think if you ask your ex-DIL to forgive you and apologize, even if you did nothing wrong, this will help mend your relationship. You don't have to be in the wrong to apologize for something that someone else may think is wrong. You may need to do what you can to change her perception.

I have stopped visiting Facebook completely during this election year, except when I really need to contact someone and have no other method.