Congrats on achieving your desire to regain better health and fitness! I think perhaps when someone comments on your weight, you could say 'I'm thrilled that all my hard work to get more fit and healthy has made me feel better than ever!' If they STILL mention your weight, especially in a backhanded compliment, maybe just laugh and say, 'Ah yes, I've discovered that weight loss is often a side effect of eating healthy and exercising.'

Are you sure it's not concern? You may think you look healthy but if you're getting several comments like this, you might think about scheduling your annual physical if you skipped it because of COVID. If your doctor confirms you're healthy, you can respond to the commenters with "Thanks for your concern but my doctor said I'm in excellent health."

Ah, I figured someone would make that observation, Toby! I'm healthy, but a 40+ weight difference in the span of nearly 10 months obviously altered my appearance.

I hesitated to add this, but will now -- since it is possibly germane to the discussion on the whole: The women who have given the "backhanded compliments" are a bit on the heavier side themselves. Perhaps they have a different vision of what "healthy" looks like, but really, I'm not open to misguided concern. Running shapes my body into a different form. It did so when I ran regularly years before, and it's done so again. I'm fine with that, but perhaps others who have not experienced it do not understand.

I like where 1929Spanish was going but I don’t think I’d start with “Thanks.”

I’m focused now/I’ve been focusing on lifestyle choices that are good for my health and I’ve never felt better.

or

I’ve taken control of my health and fitness and never felt better.

or

I‘ve worked very hard since January to improve my health and fitness and I’ve never felt better.

For repeat offenders, I think I would say “Yes, you’ve made that comment before. I’m still enjoying feeling so strong and healthy.”

“Yes, you’ve made that comment before. I’m still enjoying feeling so strong and healthy.”

I really like that.

My reply to rudeness is alway, “Wow, that sounded rude. Did you mean for it to”?

Not recommending these as actual responses (well, maybe some of them, depending on who they came from and the context).

When someone hugs me and says it’s like hugging a clothes rack

"Awwww, thank you for making that super awkward."

or

"Awwww, thank you, my self-esteem needed a boost today."

You're so skinny, I hate you.

"Awww, I hate you too."

“You seem to look taller, but I guess you’re just thinner.”

"I always wanted to be two inches taller, but I had to settle for stepping up my nutrition and fitness."

Or

"Yeah, I get height and weight confused too."

“Whatever you’re doing, please STOP doing it, because you’re making the rest of us look bad.”

"But that was my goal..."

“You’re ALMOST too thin.”

"Almost? I guess I'll have to work harder then."

“Did you MEAN to lose weight?”

"Yes."

Cawaps, I do wonder if those comments are designed to invite a certain type of banter, as you so eloquently flesh out. Interesting. I'll keep thinking on that. Could be (couldn't it?) that this simply has more to do with their STYLE of communicating and less about making me as uncomfortable as I feel it does.

Bottom line is that I am fully aware I can only control my response to what others choose to verbalize. I had a moment yesterday where I felt a bit dejected after being on the receiving end of something that I felt was completely needless, but as has been stated upthread, considering the source is always helpful in putting things into perspective.

Here's another take all together. My family specializes in putting other's down. They have acquired the habit of snarky comments, not the habit of "edifying" ones. I used that word because years and years ago I had some colleagues who were trying to train their children about the importance of supportive, positive talk, and one day their toddler was feeling particularly pleased with himself about something, and he said to me, "Aren't you going to say something edifying to me?!" It's a habit on mind that needs to be cultivated and not everyone wants to or is even aware that it is a thing. The snark is a cultivated response too. I once went to some training on therapeutic adventure programs, and the facilitator did a whole big thing on the effects of negative words. Like it takes 20 positives to erase one negative. Whenever someone would say something negative, the facilitator would ask them, "What's the positive opposite of that?" forcing them to think about and verbalize other ways of speaking and contemplate their effects. Many folks who grow up in traumatic situations have a whole repertoire of acrimonious interactions on a feed loop in their brains, under the surface . . . .

Where did this habit of mind come from? A lot of it is rooted in anxiety. A lot of people, from their upbringing, or maybe it is biochemical, have a constant stream of negative talk going on in their minds. No matter what is happening, they are looking on the DARK side not the bright side. So it oozes out of them. Whatever negativity they exude is probably nothing compared to the negativity they are heaping on themselves internally. They are constitutionally designed to look for problems, so they are pretty much constitutionally incapable of give or receiving a true compliment, so they have to couch it with a negative. One must acknowledge that negative thoughts and talk can have very detrimental effects, and that another way of speaking and looking at the world is something worth cultivating. At that training I was talking about, we practiced asking for, giving and receiving "validations." I had to go through training on it because I worked in settings where helping others manage and change their behaviors was the focus. One thing I do is write in a gratitude journal. It not only helps me avoid some of the snarkyness in myself, it also helps me feel less the sting of others' dysfunction. Not totally, but some . . .

cmm, if you find the appalling comments made to you to be hurtful you should say “Wow, that’s hurtful. Why would you say that?” Or at the very least “wow, why would you say that?” Those people are either so dense they don’t understand what they say is stupid and/or hurtful or they do know and don’t care. Call them out on it. They will never learn or change if they are allowed to get away with it.

Really, all that matters is that YOU feel good and love the way you look! I agree that the heavy ladies who made these comments are probably hyper-sensitive about weight bc they are unhappy with their own weight. They are making themselves feel better about the fact that they aren’t happy by trying to cut into your happiness a bit.

I‘d just smile, make some non-commital, non-comment such as, “Awww,” or something and quickly change the topic to ANYTHING else.😂

Congrats on your huge accomplishment, BTW!! 😊

My actual reaction to comment like these is usually to take it as a compliment (or an inquiry into my health, for the "did you MEAN to" question) and respond appropriately. Once in a while someone will say something that and I'll think that they really overstepped, or that there's no good way to take it. In those cases, I can be super blunt.

This conversation had nothing to do with weight, or backhanded compliments, but illustrates my approach to inappropriate comments/question.

When my daughter was two, my FIL asked me when we were planning to have another kid. I evaded with, "Ha, ha, you know, when we feel that we are ready." I thought for a minute that my evasion had been successful, but then FIL came back with, "No, really, when are you planning to have another kid?" I shut him down with, "Really, Larry, that's none of your business." Of course it came back to me later through my SIL about how my MIL had told her how rude I had been to Larry. MIL brought it up to me years later actually, and I told her I stood by my response.

How annoying for you. This is one of those things that bothers me as an example of women sometimes being the harshest critics of other woman where I would prefer to see us lifting each other up.

I agree with not saying "Thanks."

To share a contrasting story, a few years ago my husband lost a lot of weight. Unlike you, his problem was health related. He is a big runner and had been upping his mileage, we were also changing our eating habits, and so at first his weight loss was attributed to that. And then I said, 'Go to the doctor." What is interesting is the women who saw him, never commented to him. If I was there, they would pull me aside and say, "Is DH alright?" If I wasnt there some would even call me, "I just saw DH at the market, he has lost so much weight is he OK?" I never heard a single guy comment and he never mentioned any commenting.

Ah, weight and women. Most feel it is an easy way to make a connection. Who wouldn't want to get a complement about weight loss, especially if they have been truly working hard at it?

Other then venting, I am not sure there is anything you can do. Interesting that these remarks come from women on the heavier side.

Yes, it is annoying when the same people keep making remarks. I think you can still say thank you, but then direct the conversation to something else. If they are co workers, start talking about that project you are working on etc.

I never do quite get being snarky. It somehow raises them up if they bring you down?

Take a deep breath, understand where its coming from and make the decision to move on.

Proud of you, Ida!

I am rather fascinated by the things that Pink wrote. The negative "stream of consciousness" that so many of us fight against could very well be playing a part in this situation.

Also, I think I'll just start using, "Aren't you going to say something edifying to me?!" from this point forward. ;-) That is just too perfect!

I wonder why it is that women feel we somehow have the right to verbalize very personal things that we think to other women. As localeater pointed out, we might not express the same things to a man. Is this out of worry that he'll think we're "looking at" his body in a "certain way"? Not wanting to give any appearance of having "crossed a line"? Certainly women are MUCH more comfortably open with expressing thoughts to one another, which is kind of a double-edged sword.

I would not hesitate to call it like you see it.

" I think that's meant to be a compliment, so thank you."

I really try not to comment on anyone's appearance other than to say 'you look great or happy" or something to that effect. I think remarking on someone's size is not appropriate even when it is delivered as a true compliment. Size really isn't the point. Even if someone has lost (or gained) a significant amount of weight, I still feel it is not appropriate to comment on that aspect of their appearance.

Congratulations Ida for putting in the hard work and dedication to reach your goals!!

ETA: I would probably say something in response along the lines offered by Spanish and hhireno if I should need to in the future. No immediate need, unfortunately :)

I am very small boned and have always given the appearance of being thin. I have heard everything from you are so skinny, you look emaciated, you know as we age it is not flattering to be too thin, you exercise too much, do you ever eat...or my favorite, you eat so much, are you bulimic? This has been going on my entire life. (And yes I do eat....I think I keep restaurants and markets in business.)

My responses depend upon my mood and the person but I must admit as I get older my patience and graciousness are wearing thin (no pun intended) and my responses are starting to reflect that.

I never comment on someone's appearance unless it is a sincere compliment. To do otherwise serves no purpose but to possibly cause hurt.

And good for you Ida. My eating habits are not the best but I have worked out my entire life and physically I feel great at 72 (knock wood).

Isn’t it interesting that people would say something to localeater and not her husband. Is that because women are socialized/trained/encouraged to obsess about size, weight, and appearance?

Or because if they thought he had an illness they didn’t want to have to talk to him directly about it? Cowards.

👍🏼 to DLM

I think it’s more a reflection of their being socially conditioned to think thin is good and it’s ok for conversations to revolve around a woman’s appearance. And I have to admit that if someone lost a lot of weight, regardless of gender, I might remark too. Im sure I wouldn’t say some of the things said to you.

If I know someone has been trying to lose weight and have been talking about their struggle , I DO make an effort to compliment or encourage.

Most people, again regardless of gender, fight the middle-age spread. So it becomes a common subject of conversation. You can’t comment on someone gaining weight or looking heavy without being nasty, but people assume it’s ok or even good to comment on weight loss or thinness.

I’m not defending the commenters, but simply observing why weight is a common subject of conversation. It’s the social importance given to weight weight that irks me more.

The reason I start with "thanks" is that tells the receiver where I'm coming from:

"I refuse to accept any possible negative intentions and will respond accordingly"

There are no losers if you don't push for the win in these circumstances. Set the tone you want moving forward by not accepting negativity.

The speaker then has a choice, either intensify the criticism or back it off. In the work setting especially, most people know the right thing to do.

Some of those same people, who if you gave them a straight up forward hand compliment, would actually argue with you about it. "You look great!" "Why did you say I look great? You've seen this outfit before! There's nothing special about my appearance!" The men in my life are like that. I practice giving positive feedback, and they inevitably downgrade even that . . .

This reminds me of when a friend met her future mother-in-law. She met her boyfriend’s father earlier in the day and when they met his mother at dinner she said (imagine said in a Scottish accent) “My husband said you were short and dumpy, but you’re actually not short at all!”

She married him anyway.

@Pink - if the people in my life respond poorly to complements, then I stop giving them. I don't replace them with negative comments, I just stop talking. My role in this life is not to change people who don't want to change.

And for those whom I need to continue to engage with, I just have to let sh*t go. I'm blessed with the inner workings that are able to process this fact without applying a layer of guilt and unhappiness.

I know not everyone is as fortunate as I am and never ever forget to be thankful for this disposition. Others try to turn it on me and I refuse to accept their negative classification. I hope that you can find some way for peace and coexistence because it's terrible to have others bent on manipulating your happiness.

I've gone through some of the same things having lost 55 pounds and going from a 12-14 to a 2-4. Some are outright meanly critical because they can see my hip bones and I do look skinny at 5' 10" and 133 lb.

However, weight is such a sensitive issue for many women that focusing on their beauty and health is much more important than how much they weigh. I know too many anorexics and can occasionally have anxiety about regaining the weight although it's been over a year and a half off. I still have many of my big clothes but may get rid of them, I sorted through them recently and have given away truckloads already.

Many women can't imagine a life of being this thin, I couldn't and never in my entire life would I have dreamed of a 2, an 8 would have been a dream come true, yet it still takes work to stay here. So I understand the disappointment that others can't celebrate your success and joy.

People try to sabotage me too, with snarky remarks about me not eating certain foods.

Congratulations on your weight loss and healthy life change.

I have always been thin, a muscular thin. I can speak a little to the weight loss due to recent illness. I wanted to take off around 5 lbs, so during Covid had been working on it, just by exercising at home, walking and running a little, and healthy eating, which I pretty much did already, just ate less and made some tweaks. Sometime around April I began to have some problems. To cut to the chase, I eventually went thru all the various steps to a diagnosis of microscopic colitis. By the time of the colonoscopy and final confirmation of diagnosis I had fairly rapidly lost 9 pounds. I am maintaining that weight now and it actually feels about right. My clothes, especially pants, are fitting as they should, so no major wardrobe issues. I am in medication for 3 months, and trying to figure out my diet triggers.

Some friends I see have noticed. The ones who are close know the story. The ones who don’t either don’t say much or have noticed I lost a little weight or that I am not eating certain things and say something. I tell them I lost it the hard way. These are usually the same ones who have gained the 15.

As my DH reminds me - keep it simple. Just say "it works for me" unless you think the individual speaking to you has a sincere interest in continuing the conversation.

For some reason, this thread reminds me of a post I saw on Twitter the other day. Someone who was pregnant ordered a coffee at Starbucks and the person in line behind said "you should drink decaf when you're pregnant," and she turned around stone-faced and said "I'm not pregnant," leaving the person horrified and stammering an apology.

Too bad there's not a similar way to show the backhanded complimenters that their opinion isn't needed...

Idaclaire - First of all, congratulations! I know the hard work and the perseverance and the not-giving up that goes into your success. I did the same thing 10 years ago- losing 42 pounds over 10 months and still keeping it off.

I didn;t tell anyone what I was doing and most of my girlfriends were complementary over my success. But one took great delight in calling me "skinny B**ch" and she was and is quite overweight. I stopped hanging out with her.

I know that's harder for you but I do understand your frustration. Why does anything have to be said at all.

It is awkward to know how to compliment or comment on someone's weight loss. If I know the person has been working on it I might compliment, but otherwise keep quiet unless it is a good friend. A few years ago I decided to take a new approach to my diet in order to get out of a rut. It worked really well and I lost about 15 pounds. I had been working with a personal trainer 3x a week for the prior 2 years but once that 15 pounds came off you could finally see that effort. After the summer when we were back at school, the director of my school announced in front of the staff "Well, we know how J spent her summer! She spent it getting fit!". I was fit to be tied! I was not gracious I'm afraid and said, "well, I was always fit, but I was also fat". I'm sure she meant well, but it served to negate all of my prior effort to be fit in my mind. And now that 8 of those pounds have returned....am I no longer fit?

I lost maybe 30 lbs at one point and a very nice acquaintance said "Oh you have lost a TON of weight-you look so good" Not sure what I said but she kept repeating a TON of weight until I wanted to scream how fat do you think I was!!?? I really don't like specific comments on my body, would prefer the "you look good" so I try to do that with anyone but my closest friends. I really wish I could emulate you Ida and get back in shape.

I thank each of you who has taken the time to respond. I'm particularly thankful that my post wasn't glossed over as a total non-issue, as I sort of worried it might be. As I've relayed, I am mighty proud of my accomplishment, and largely because I didn't think it would be possible at this stage of my life, when it seemed the "middle aged spread" had its hooks sunk deep into my flesh. My mantra along the way has been, "If it doesn't challenge you, it doesn't change you", and I have reminded myself of those words so many mornings when the alarm sounds at 5am, and I would SO much rather just roll back over for another hour's sleep. I am proud of the fact that the change has come, and appreciate being able to openly say that here. I tread VERY lightly when discussing this in person with others, though. I'm careful not to share TMI, noting when eyes start to look as though they're about to gloss over. Nothing is more boring than a self-absorbed - well, BORE - who wants to tell you all about how she's achieved something.

I'm not generally shy about expressing myself, and if these comments were coming from friends outside of my professional life, I don't think I'd have much trouble setting them straight. As it is, I'm striving to find the perfect response that will strike a balance between remaining professionally "friendly", light and upbeat, but (hopefully) sending the unmistakable message that my body isn't going to be openly analyzed by outsiders.

Thank you for understanding where I'm coming from and sharing your very insightful, helpful perspectives. You have given me a great deal to keep pondering.

I have a friend who has been doing Weight Watchers for a year or so. I don't see her very often, while I can tell that she has been losing weight, she hasn't yet reached her goal. When we do get together she almost always mentions something about how her diet is going, her last WW weigh in, etc. - but not so much that my eyes glaze over. I feel that when someone is making such an effort, that they want the results to be noticed - in a positive way, but I don't normally comment on people's weight, and sometimes after I've seen her I feel like maybe I should have said something encouraging to her.

I would say that as a man, I am somewhat clueless when it comes to back-handed compliments. I think men tend to be more direct when they want to insult you, but women sometimes try to be more subtle.

Here's my example:

My ex-sister in law commissioned me to make her wedding dress and got her mother's permission to hire me. This was back in 1988 (I think), and I charged her the nominal fee of $100 for labor, although it was worth several times that. My SIL sketched a design that she wanted, and I made it exactly the she designed it, although I did add a silk organza Bolero jacket (which she could wear or not wear), and I also made the veil with a decorative hat.

Anyway, I also made a fabric garment bag for transporting the dress (as I customarily did for ladies' evening wear that I had made in San Francisco) and my SIL delivered the dress to her mother so that she could pay me for it. BTW, I was also the best man for my brother, and so I had to attend the rehearsal dinner at the bride's parents' house.

At one point during the dinner, I asked the bride's mother what she thought of the dress, and she said, "I liked the bag." I took this as a compliment on the beautiful bag that I had made and thanked her and told her that I had made a lot of bags like that. Later I was told that she was trying to insult me, but it really didn't work because I didn't take it that way. It was kind of beyond me that she would want to do that, especially right before her daughter's wedding, and the bride obviously loved the dress.

The bride's mother was somewhat of a control freak, and I think she resented being left out of the design process for the wedding dress. I would think that she should just want her daughter to have what she wanted and to be happy, but I was told that that was not the case.

Ida - when you say this...

Nothing is more boring than a self-absorbed - well, BORE - who wants to tell you all about how she's achieved something.

....I have to totally disagree. Why shouldn't you talk about your success? It's not self absorbed unless you never stop talking about it. Our successes are ours to own and should be celebrated.

Why do people miss out on opportunities? Because they forget to share the success that lead them to the place they are in now.

1929, I appreciate your posts. You are a kind soul.

"1929, I appreciate your posts. You are a kind soul."

I totally agree with you Bunny plus she has a great sense of humor!

Point well taken, 1929. Thank you.

I was married to a man for nearly 15 years who seemed to never stop talking, and it was almost always about himself. When someone asked him politely how things were going with his business, he'd launch into a monologue that went on and on and ON. I can't even recall how many times I kicked him under the table to try to get him to shut it. I think I'm probably extra sensitive about "self talk", and often wonder how I've come across in social situations. Did I say too much? Did I engage the other person by asking about and showing an interest in what they had to say?

I know we all, to some extent, like to talk about ourselves. It is, after all, the subject we know best. But I think what I really meant to convey, albeit not well, was that I don't want to be "that person" who drones on incessantly. I don't think I AM (those who read my forum posts might think otherwise! Ha!), but I am self-policing in that regard.

I agree with all that most have said; I especially like the way Spanish has phrased it. I immediately thought your responses should be your seeming to truly take these comments as compliments: ‘ I KNOW! I’ve never had this much energy or felt so great.. Thanks so much!!’ You go, girl!👍👍

A different view: Many years ago a neighbor had bariatric surgery and lost a great deal of weight. We discussed how people responded tactfully and otherwise. Her husband was Ethiopian and they were very active in the local Oromo community, so why hadn't she mentioned reactions from any of the Oromos? She explained that they considered any comment of that nature to be extremely rude. Even a positive comment would be seen as implying that there had been something wrong with her prior to the weight loss.

If any of you haven't heard of Pat Heim, she's done a lot of work on gender studies. She came up with the "Power Dead Even" rule.

https://www.kineticinsights.com/its-a-catfight-so-i-hear-she-slept-her-way-to-the-top/

Men were the hunters and raised with an authoritarian power structure with leaders and the led and are very comfortable with that, be it business, sports, etc.

Women were the ones helping each other raise the children and did it with a very egalitarian structure...no woman could be better than any other as all had to share equally in responsibilities and efforts.

This carries over into today where if one woman seems to succeed more than others, the others will knock her down to keep the power even. That's what leads to back-handed compliments, sniping behind each others' backs, cat fights and so on.

It's a theory anyway...but one I find interesting as it explains why many women find they get more pushback from women than men when trying to get ahead in the world.

This topic reminds me of my Mom and Dad.

Mom told me the story of way back when they were first married and Mom would be spending a fair amount of time getting ready for work. She'd come downstairs and it seemed Dad would never say she looked nice, but only comment on something amiss. Back then, women's stockings had seams in them. One morning, she came downstairs and Dad said, your seam is crooked. She'd had enough. She blew up at him ... can't you for once say something nice! He didn't say a word. The next day, she came downstairs all dressed and Dad looked at her and said, "One of your seams is straight!"

Oh so many years later, when Mom was in her 70s...she'd gotten quite heavy...she went on a diet and exercise routine, joined the gym and made a real effort to get trim again, and it worked. She looked great. One day Dad said to her, "Get your skinny little a$$ over here." Now some might not take that as a compliment, but Mom was absolutely delighted and couldn't wait to tell me!

For whatever reason, people feel commenting on women's appearances are open season. I've made a very conscious effort these past couple of years not to say anything. Just stop commenting on women's bodies--end of story--stop it, particularly women of color. And it goes the other way. I even see this on social media where someone who's an MD, etc., goes on CNN, etc., gets constantly evaluated on how they look, and if they are "attractive" this is a real problem for some people. Or the stories of the pregnant meteorologists who are told they are too huge to be on TV.

I like this one. "I’ve taken control of my health and fitness and never felt better." And then I'd maybe say I am not commenting on it further.

I think some people just don’t know how to properly compliment so they should get the benefit of doubt on motive. My hope is that we never stop though. Compliments make people feel good and that is a good thing. I wouldn’t want us all to wear gray uniforms for fear of offending someone with a limited wardrobe. Or, we shouldn’t stop complimenting a haircut because some have no hair. That could lead to not complimenting people’s home decor because some live out of their car. I refuse to be P/C on giving compliments. If someone has on a pretty necklace or new purse I like or a flattering new makeup, I’m complimenting. And, don’t forget to compliment the men in your life. A lot of men are starved for compliments.

Just say... thank you!

One day at Kroger, in front of the milk, I complimented a lady on her shirt. When she turned around, I said, ”Oh, and your hair is adorable!” She quickly hugged me and said, “You have NO idea how much I needed to hear that today!!! Thank you!”

My little family has had very significant weight loss. I was at goal or very close, and DH had the same WL #, but still had 40 or so lbs left to lose. We had taken a Christmas break from our dance class, so it had been a bit since we had seen the class. Everyone went gaga over HIS WL, and only made (what seemed to me....) snide comments about mine. I was a little crushed, then I decided the problem was about THEM, not ME.

Another thought: Our paradigm has been adjusted....such a significant portion of our population is now overweight or obese that it is more normal than normal weight people, in the same way that Morris Minors USED to look TINY among all the Ford Grand Marquis, and now they look normal, because we shrunk the rest of the cars.

Annie - my friends and I joke about who in our group is currently at the top of the bottom of the barrel. 😂

After losing a bunch of weight any comment with the word ‘skinny’ or ‘thin’ was appreciated by me.

I also know that I can not control others. Or what they say or how they say it.

Congratulations on your Healthy Journey. (is that a proper way to say it?) Or is it better to pretend to ignore a change completely?

A genuine compliment is always appreciated. A few I have received include:

You look great!

You look so svelte.

Your hard work has really paid off.

I admire your commitment.

I think it's fine to notice and lovely to make a kind comment. There is a big difference between what I've written just above and the comments I consider backhanded and relayed earlier. Most people I encounter do know how to effectively communicate approving acknowledgement. A very few seem clueless, but I do understand that's their issue, not mine.

Just happily say “thank you”. That covers it all. If it is a backhanded compliment it shows them that they are not entering your happy bubble.

Here's a view from a trans man (previously a woman) on the problems with giving compliments: