Sounds like your stepfather may have dementia. If he has children perhaps you should contact them because they are only hearing what he is saying. They may be able to talk to him about your mom better than you can and get through to him. Will not help but remind him that it was the doctors that said that she should go. I hope you have a POA or at least a medical directive for her.

I do not know if it is still here but when my husband was going downhill with dementia I found that the caretakers forum helped. It not only had suggestions of things to try it also had people who were going through similar things. Something that my husband's doctors told me was that only about 10% of the people who received the medication that was available at that time stabilized when given the medication. Alzheimer's seems to be a catch all term for all types of dementias.

Edited to add that I found the Care Givers forum and here is a link. https://www.gardenweb.com/discussions/care

I'm so sorry you 're going through this...it only makes dealing with your Mom's issues more difficult. All I can say is to try to stay in the moment and not anticipate even more problems. What comes tomorrow will come and you'll be strong enough to deal with it then...no need to deal with it now in anticipation.

And trust in the knowledge that you are doing the very best you can for her which is what really matters. She is fortunate to have you.

I am so sorry for all you are going through. There will be better days eventually

"When it rains it pours!" And sometimes we think we'll drown. However, we have to cope the best we can. Try to take bits of time for yourself. Things WILL get better!

So sorry, jewels. Ugh!

I really am sorry. You’ve got a lot on your plate. I’m hoping you find the patience and strength you need to get through it. Take care of yourself too. It’s really important

((((( Jewels ))))) I think the hardest part is when Alzheimer’s or other dementia is starting, and you are wondering what the heck is going on, and other people have their own opinions. It’s just so damn hard and stressful, regardless of where it goes from here. And I imagine you have no responsibility for your stepfather, adding another wrinkle (metaphorically and cosmetically). Things will resolve one way or another, eventually, and you will be able to not cringe or roll your eyes every time the phone rings.

Sending prayers and hugs for you. Not an easy road ahead for you.

(((((Jewels)))))

You are truly between a rock & a hard place. You have my thoughts & prayers!!!

I'm glad you can vent in real life to your DH, but vent away here too -- it helps to get it out! Thinking good thoughts and strength for you.

I'm sorry. (((Hugs)))

I found Bob DeMarco's Alzheimer's Reading Room to be tremendously helpful when we were going through Alzheimer's with my mom.

Can you speak to the case manager or other social worker where your DM will be getting skilled nursing care? They handle these situations all the time.

Can you and her DH visit your DM in hospital or in the SKN center? Might it help if your DH accompanied you when you will be interacting with her DH?

I'd defer medical quetions to the nurses or the attending physician. Can you set up a meeting where they can explain procedures and plans for her care? Could you all participate: You, your DH and her DH -- and your DM, if that's recommended. (Paranoia builds when people think they are excluded from decisions.)

Where is your DD living now that all her roommates have tested positive? I'm confused; are there two separate groups of roommates, ALL of whom are positive? Has your DD been tested? (The error rate for positives is small, but the error rate for negatives is quite large with some kinds of tests.)

How far away are you from your DD and from your DM? Do you have more children...away or at home? Any other family able to help with your DM? (As an only child, married to an only child, I was the sole 'arranger' for my DM and his. I'm unsure whether that was harder or easier -- no arguments on what to do!)

I'm sorry for all the stressful situations you're having to deal with right now. ((((Jewels))))

Jewels, my heart really goes out to you and unfortunately, there’s no quick easy answer. Try not to take your step dad’s commentary to heart. Do what you can, the best that you can and it will work out. Try not to let others frustrate you, that’s just going to suck the life from you. I went through some really horrific things when my DH was ill and know how hard it can be to control your emotions. When it feels like too much, just step back for a minute and take a breath. (((Hugs)))

Today started out good and then around 2;00 all heck broke loose. In the booklet from the Skilled Nursing Center there was an article about personal relationships and so my step dad thought that meant anyone could come in and have sex with my mom. He went to his independent living director and had him call the Skilled Nursing Center and the administrator explained that it is in there for married couples. Then he tells me that mom has a bruise on her leg so he says someone tried to push her legs apart. He went up to the Center today to take her home (against medical advice). Around that time I get a text from a nurse that my mom had fallen (she fell in the hospital too). They could keep her at the Center, send her back to the hospital, but since she hit her head they could not let her go with her husband. So she went back to the hospital to get all checked out and due to regulations she will have to be transported back to the center. I have no idea what will happen at that point.

My daughter's original roommates are the 3 with Covid. She is staying with a second group of girls. My daughter had Covid (along with 4 others in my family) back in June and she has gotten retested.

I am in Kansas, my sister is in Florida and my brother lives about 1.5 hours away. My mom and stepdad live 3 minutes from me and the Skilled Nursing Center is 10 minutes away. I have a son that lives in our city, my college dd is 1.5 hours away and my other dd is 3 hours away. We are not allowed to visit my mom due to Covid. We can wave to her through a window.

It sounds like your step-dad may have been the one to put the bruise on her leg. It would not be the first time that a husband wanted his "rights" even if the woman could not give consent. There was a posting about something similar on the caregivers forum. You might call the nursing center and ask if he was with her when she fell.

I'm so sorry Jewels. Covid has been a "mess" for everyone. I hope things clear themselves up.

Jewel, does your stepfather usually like to manage things, to be in control of a situation? Or is this unusual behavior for him?

Hugs

I am so sorry you and your mother are going through this.

I'm so sorry. You are being stretched in all directions! What support do you have?

Would your stepfather listen to anyone? I get the idea he might respond more reasonably to another man -- your DH, or your brother? Does he have family or friends? He sounds frightened -- and frustrated by his inability to *fix* this, but he also sounds irrational. Is this new, or 'normal' for him?

I hope your DM's workup comes back clear. Has she fallen before all this? Blows to the head can result in silent brain bleeds. Can you talk to her by phone? Does she *want* her DH to visit?

Trying times.

Today had been another crazy, stressful day. Last night they ended up keeping my mom in the hospital and the nurse told me she would be having surgery today for her appendix. I about fell off of my chair. I called her back after I tried to get this all clear in my head. I told her I just didn't understand how it went form a fall to an appendix. This morning I called my mom's nurse and she said they were still planning the surgery but for the afternoon since the surgeon was at another hospital still. About 1:00 I got a call from someone at the hospital and said since the surgeon was still unavailable and this was a holiday weekend we would be looking at surgery next week and wanted to know how I felt about home health care. When I got off work I called my stepdad to see where they were and if they were home we were going to go visit. He was helping my mom to the bathroom, I assumed they were at home but they were at the hospital. He had to help my mom, so I let them go. I called the nurse and she said they decided it would be beneficial for both of them for my stepdad to be there in the hospital with my mom due to her confusion. She also said they were still waiting on the surgeon, that he is a very good surgeon, does lots of surgeries and would not be operating on my mom unless it was needed. She read me the CT report and I can't remember all the jargon, but it sounds like to me that it is connected to her first surgery. She was not sure when the surgery would be. Around 6:30 I got another phone call from the hospital that my stepdad could not find his car, but that he had gone back up to the room. My stepdad knew what kind of car he drove, but not the color. I told him the color, handicap tag and where he was parked the last time. He was going to have security go look for the car. I asked him if my mom had had surgery at that point and she had not. I'm getting ready to call up there so this story continues.

Wow! The business about him not remembering his car color sounds concerning. What if he can't remember the way home?

Where did the appendix issue come from??? (Flashback here, to 6 months after my father’s stroke and move to rehab, in January my son had a ruptured appendix and in February my mother had the flu and pneumonia and went from hospital to rehab then on to memory care, and it was the best thing that could have happened. Of course, at the time I didn’t know that, I was still just going day by day.)

The appendix is still a mystery to me. That’s why I wanted to talk to the surgeon. She had a CT scan due to her fall and evidently her appendix looked suspicious at that time. It’s just so hard with Covid not being at the hospital talking to doctors or nurses face- to -face.

Does your stepfather have any children or other close relatives? It may be time to notify them of his changes. If not it is time for you to talk to an attorney. An elder law one would be best.

May you be enclosed by many loving arms in the days ahead.

Hoping for the best for you and your family jewels. You have a lot going in right now.

What does your DM's primary MD say about all this? Is there a hospitalist on her case? What does that doctor say?

I'm amazed that the hospital would leave your DM in the 'care' of her obviously confused DH.

Hospitals sometimes have no choice when the sick person designated a caregiver without going to court and having that caregiver removed or banned from the presence of the sick person. Family must sometimes also do this to protect their loved one. Hospitals and homes when the suspect something is happening have been known to make very frequent trips into a patient's room hoping to prevent something from happening without forcing the issue. I saw it used at my husband's nursing home with a patient.