Covid humor.....
Lucille
No one has yet marketed rubber lip covers for those quarantined or not, who want to kiss and be safe. LOL (No serious replies allowed) What would you call them? Lipdoms?
I've also heard reference to expectations of a quarantine baby boom in 9 months as those who are quarantined seek entertainment...(Stock up on diapers now).
Definition of Irony - When the Year Of The Rat starts with a plague.
Maybe the wax lips I remember from my youth will make a comeback!
Now is a great time to get a bidet seat add on for your toilet! Water works better than toilet paper anyway! 💦🚽😊
As seen on Twitter...
After a stressful week of dealing with the impact in pretty much every aspect of our lives, these are much appreciated - and hilarious.
For the people hoarding toilet paper.
For all you runners....I would NEVER.....
"I've also heard reference to expectations of a quarantine baby boom in 9 months as those who are quarantined seek entertainment..."
So maybe those babies will become The Coronial Generation?
Thanks for some laughs, Lucille. We all need it!
eld6161, that cracked me up because I stocked up on matzo in November for lots of matzo ball soup and we still have like 5 packs in the freezer.
Haha you were ahead of your time!
My nephew posted this. I hope it doesn't offend, it's actually very funny
Blfenton, I laughed out loud
Kadefol, and he's "Stayin' Alive"!
Me too! 😂 Laughed out loud!
Maybe we should start saving all our junk mail. ☺ Catalogues anyone?
Where’s that RH catalog when I need it? (Plus, a boon for the plumbers if folks try to flush the catalog paper!)
Or maybe coffee filters? Guessing they'd help the plumbers, too!
My sister sent me this:
Someone made a life changing decision in the beer aisle...
I saved some of the old phone books. I use them to prop up the decorative containers over the top of my refrigerator. I'd sacrifice them for money. ;)
I bought a bidet a few years ago and wish I'd done so sooner.
I'd had a few portables in my Amazon backpacking wishlist since way before Covid-19.
Here's one: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07LB7HRP5/
The other night when I went to Walmart I checked Mountain House freeze dried just to see if it had sold out yet.
There was a young gentleman buying a few, as well as a water filter. He advised me to be sure to stock up on gasoline because it may not be available when it comes time to bug out and go to the woods. Guy must have been a doomsday prepper. Or just scared. Personally, I want to go to the woods too but not out of fear, I just like the woods. :)
I don't have anything to add but I'm cracking up over all these posts!! 😂
Guy says: "I used to cough to hide a fart, now I fart to hide a cough."
Just saw this on Twitter:
Our CVS before the virus was always out of bread in three of them nearby. And milk. I like the people but they need to change their inventory list.
Memo to those getting low in toilet paper (almost exclusively for folks who live alone)
1. Get a bath mat.
2. Hang it over the edge of the bathtub, long side on top.
When next sitting on the throne, ready for business:
3. Pull off 4 squares of toilet paper.
4. Fold one end to the other.
5. Fold end to end, again.
6. When production business completed, use as toilet paper, in the usual fashion.
7. Lay it on the bath mat, business side up.
8. Push down the four corners with fingers, if they have been left unmarred.
9. Should you feel that the cleaning portion of the business has not been treated adequately, repeat, beginning with the paper folding procedure.
10. If you need to revisit the throne prior to about 12 - 15 hours, repeat the earlier procedure, beginning with the paper folding routine.
11. Repeat for each visit within the time frame noted above.
12. When the material on the paper from the first procedure is guaranteed to be fully dried, re fold the paper, with the darkened side on the interior.
13. Repeat as convenient.
14. Saves visit to the store to be disappointed when finding only empty shelves.
15. Pat one's self on the back for having saved a mature tree, generator of precious oxygen.
_______________a about a dozen times ... do you think the powers that be anything re
I've been dragged bactorain g k to the top of the thread tell me dumb in sumthin'?
ole joyful
These have been great! Thank you.
Yes, humor does relieve stress.
I’m dense, what is Maddie’s about?
Stealing the treasure.
https://www.google.com/search?q=indiana+jones+memes&tbm=isch&source=univ&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjGvNj59ZzoAhVPmeAKHZL_DksQsAR6BAgJEAE#imgrc=aeg1oaeHBYn_RM
What’s in his other hand is what I can’t figure out?
A bag of sand that he hopes is the same weight as the treasure he's about to steal. The treasure sits atop a trap that is triggered by the treasure being lifted off of it. While you're staying home, watch Raiders of the Last Ark...good, clean entertainment.
Back in the day, we used the lightweight pages of the international version of Time magazine (outhouse, wouldn't recommend for septic or modern sewer systems).
Don't forget about the good old corn cob. Lol. Also not recommended for today's plumbing.
Hi eld6161, I wondered about my meme being confusing if someone had never seen Raiders Of The Lost Ark.
I admire your curiosity:)
Thanks for the kind explanations Fun2BHere and tigereye.
Whoops, I guess I am showing my age. I have to google all the new movies and all those abbreviations.
What are you going to do with all that toilet paper when I have all the plungers!
I am having a good laugh!
Publix has some of the best and funniest cake decorators.
And you just know what flavor this has to be, right?
We have a 12 pack of tp and 2 bidets. We’re good in that department. 😬
I always have been happy to have bidets. I am especially happy 😊 currently! I am surprised the prices on the seat bidets have not jumped up in the rediculous range but I just checked ebay and they are about the norm.
What is the ridiculous range?
After the water is done squirting, don't you have to wipe your underside dry? What do you use for that?
Very small bit of TP. Much less than with no water involved.
Yes very little tp is needed with a bidet. It is just needed to dry. We can go months without needing to restock tp depending on what size pack we get. And it’s a lot better than using “flushable” wipes.
Maybe not completely on topic but it still made me smile.
This morning I texted my daughter to ask how my grandchildren are handling this ordeal. Ten minutes later I received this.
I don't have the picture but I saw one that said in my day we didn't waste precious resources and showed a toilet papered yard circa 1970s. Blue, pink and mint green paper hanging from trees and shrubs and all over the grass. Wound around the lightpole and mailbox. Do they still sell those pastel rolls?
eld6161 THAT IS ADORABLE!!!! :)
I have one too!
So cute!!! :)
Is that a dog or a small bear? Lol
Raven great minds think alike!
I love that puppy!
SamKaren Your resident Dj
My girlfriend and I were discussing this. Glad I saw the hairdresser right before this started.
We have haircut appointments on Wednesday. I have not heard anything from them so I assume they are still working. We always have late in the day appointments so very few people left in the salon.
Lucille, might they be called Pucker Rubbers?
When you leave the house but keep the TV on for the dog.....nowadays.
Some Japanese toilets have a dryer function.
When I was in Honolulu last year one of the public toilets' had those Japanese toilets. I would really like one but would need a bathroom remodel with a wall moved.
Yes, it's St. Patrick's Day today, but it's also our 25th anniversary. My daughter-in-law called me to wish us happy anniversary and said that this year the 25th anniversary gift is toilet paper. I'm so glad I didn't have a mouth full of food at the time. Got a good laugh out of it.
Hubby was bored and got creative and came up with this little ditty (he claims copyright to it) imagined to the tune of: "if you're happy and you know it...."
"If you've got a fever and you're coughing.....wash your hands"
Repeat refrain above.
"If you forget to give them a soak....then you might be about to croak"
"So, (refrain above).
A bit of black humor for you....glad I'm not claiming authorship of it.
Along with pudgeder meme -
I saw a tweet today and the mom commented that she had been homeschooling her 11 year old and her 8 year old for 1 hour and 11 minutes. She has decided that teachers should be paid a billion dollars a year.
maifleur03 you can get a simple bidet on Amazon. They attach to the toilet and you're good to go :)
Video on bidets very good information. I have had them for years and I hate going to the bathroom that doesn't have one. Ebay has great prices for the add on and the replacement seats.
https://youtu.be/nI5shsQuauY
I came across this on FB and it just tickled me! Remember?
Waving my hands. I Know! I know! I know why the TP is disappearing. The yet-to-be-developed antidote for Corvid-19 will be in pill form, taken twice a day with 8 oz. of prune juice. LOL
DH took my shopping list to senior's hour at the grocery store. I swear I wrote "cheerios", he brought home "cheetos" ... close enough, huh?
Ohio Governor Mike DeWine
I listened to Ky's governor's speech this afternoon. He has them daily now. He said something about allowing alcohol with food deliveries and take out food orders. Only in KY.
I got nothin' funny to share, but THANK YOU to everyone who posted up funny stuff, I've been laughing for about five minutes straight and really needed it! ETA, I found a funny one to share.
Lucille - thanks for starting this post! I'm enjoying most of the funnies. This is a time we all need a laugh, it's a stress reducer.
This is an original, by me.
It's now legal to launder money.
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCkQpKpwGA0EUMYrTGKS7GgQ?fbclid=IwAR0d2aBW8whENzuNUhXQKBaxTzeyD2a6uSm6lZF9_vciBfyb6NVQ_4yOFnw&app=desktop
ded, that is too funny!!
eta: michael, that is brilliant. I've been hesitating getting cash, but feel like i want some at home right now. I'll just put in a mesh bag and through the washer and dryer on low!
I think that they sell barbers' hair clippers at several dep't. stores, Hairball.
Even razors - but an electric one wouldn't help much, at this point.
o j
Kathsgarden, not only in Kentucky. You can get beer, wine, or mixed drinks delivered from a restaurant, as long as it is with a food order. This is in Texas. I don't know how it is in other states.
marilyn,
I'm going to ask my favorite Mexican cantina if a pitcher of margarita is possible. I many never leave home again. :)
Oly, a neighbor posted a need for a toaster on local to you marketplace. I had a spare for $5.
Watchme....I had the same thought about pets, dogs especially. No more lonely days at home.
Did you all see the Shedd Aquarium allowing the penguins out to view it the exhibits since the aquarium is closed?
Here's a link for the bidet, we have two of them. https://hellotushy.com/products/classic-affordable-bidet
Can't find any ... they seldom advertise.
o j
Uncle? Michael ... you have brothers and/or sisters, maybe?
(The revisionist changed the last to "Mayberry" - but I lassoed and hogtied it before it got away).
o j
No, I'm Papa. That was from my daughter because her kids are usually at our house. :)
I have plenty of eggs....
Michael, why wait til 9 pm?
https://v.redd.it/5l72qpkybho41
LOL Thanks for the laugh, Function! And everyone!!
Toilet paper humor:
TP shortage
Public Service Announcement:
Plenty of free time to trim your toenails and SHAVE all the hair from your body.
Your nurse will thank you. :)
Jesus died for our sins, Grandma died for the Dow.
I've been isolated too long. I'm starting to see things.
That’s hilarious, Michael
-"Heard a Dr. on TV saying in this time of Coronavirus staying at home we should focus on inner peace. To achieve this we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked through my house to find things i'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum. And two hash yer wands, stafe day avrybobby!!!"
Gotta follow this post! Need the laughter.
I haven't tuned in for a couple of days. These are hilarious.
Thanks everyone
Being in quarantine is like being in Vegas... nobody knows what day it is or what time it is, and cocktails are acceptable 24/7...
Sometime in the future:
Son:
"Dad, why is my sister named Paris?"
Dad:
"Because we conceived her in Paris...
Why do you ask, Quarantine?"
Not a joke, but funny nonetheless...
For the first time in my life, I have 3 bathrooms, but only 2 rolls of toilet paper. :)
Marilyn - that's so sad and true.
I guess it's good that I wasn't a clerk or manager at the stores that the hoarders were hitting. I would have refused to allow those customers to buy 500 rolls of TP at the time.
All they have to do to stop the hording is to do what they did at a store in Europe. "Buy one at $2.99 second one $95.99".
Well, I finally lost it...Was just in CVS. Saw a man whose cart was FULL to the brim with hand sanitizers, baby wipes, soaps, everything that people need!! I called him a selfish jerk, and gave him a low down about the elderly, moms, and people who need these types of things. Told him he should be freaking ashamed of himself! He said: “Are you done? Cause I really need to get back to restocking the shelves now...”
That is funny!
I been writing jingles! So if you have ever watched Whose Line is it Anyway (Hoe down if you need the tune) you can sing this.
It must get pretty boring sitting round all day
Hoping to get back to work this is what I pray
I have a good solution for things to be ok
I'll send you all a copy of 50 shades of grey
SamKaren Your resident dj
Garden art in Seattle WA
Thanks, folks - eighth day alone ... I ran out of data for the phone and have been gone for three days (and the libraries are closed, of course).
Great to be back.
ole joyfuelled - you folks adding to the joy
We’ve had no snow this winter. Mildest in a long time.
waiting for the salons to open back up.
Apparently I'm going to Reno.😂
Absolutey!
A glass of wine in each hand will help you not touch your face.
This is very clever and funny:
Lockdown with the kids
Colleen, I wish I could give that family a hundred likes! Kudos to Mom and Dad for engaging their children in that joint effort. The kids clearly enjoyed themselves.
Your new Earworm.
Hey, you there in the crowd ... before/during your march to stop the spread ... how about the instruction to keep 6 ft. between you and your neighbour/anyone near you?
You haven't heard that story?
Looks like you're cruisin ' for a bruisin'!
(Don't see many masks, either)!
ole joyful
How long did that arrangement survive, sephia?
Most cats have their own idea(s) about how they want to operate!
o j
OJ, right? I know mine wouldn't sit still for that!
https://imgur.com/t/funny/IV79qKM
Check out this cats reaction! He had been singing to the cat!
I know I shouldn't laugh but that was as hilarious as it would have been terrifying.
^^^
:-(
Most stores are not accepting returns! Toilet paper pancake 🥞 anyone? Gonna be eating all that TP! High fiber diet!
Just think of all the trees that can be TPed this year at Halloween with all the left over toilet paper.
Let the home schooling begin!
I just created this one:
Scott’s version of Harry and David’s Tower of.......
I don't know how funny this will be to anyone else, but a couple of days ago my 12 year old grandson was told to pick up all the stuff he'd left on the floor. Smart mouth said, "I'll let the maid do it." Thinking I was going to be even funnier I said, "The maid is now working from home."
His reply: "Then it's a good thing she lives here." :P
Good grief, these keep me laughing! I want this horrific pandemic to be over as much as anyone, but I'll miss these. It truly would be such a joy to just be terrified of romaine again. Little did we know... : -/
That is a riot
Mary had a little lamb,
With Chianti, what’d you think?
i hope these days of solitude
Don’t drive us all to drink!
😬
Michael, seems to me that about half of that 300 million'll be so broke that any hair appointmenť'll be a long way below the red line on their list of priorities.
ole joyful
A little Buckeye humor.
DeWine & Amy
Joyful, not in my community. 50% are tech workers working from home, 20% school teachers turned online educators, 10% retired with no impact on incomes, 20% medical who are on call 24/7.
DeWine and Amy--my new heroes. ♥♥
DeWine and Amy--my new heroes. ♥♥
Not all heroes wear capes. :)
Amy. A girl who rose from tent living at a campground to cabinet member, Director of Public Health.
Hi Michael,
Do you have any idea how many companies who have recently greatly expanded the number of their employees working from home have provided them with a company computer to use exclusively for company business?
How deep a concern do companies with deep security systems operative over their in-house operations have if they have recently expected their employees to work from home using their privately owned computers?
No doubt the tech people in your area would be well aware of such issues and have taken counter-measures.
Recently I received a message purported to be from one of Canada's half dozen or so large banks saying they'd been having some security issues and would I please contact a given digital address.
Having never done business with that bank, when I visited a branch a week or so later and asked them if they'd like to do that, they said "No way - and I strongly suggest that you don't, either!!!".
Just a few days later I received a similar message from another major Canadian bank, with which I've done no business for many years, inviting me to call a given phone No.
I didn't avail myself of the opportunity/request.
Within a week I received a second message, purportedly from that same bank - but to a different phone number.
I didn't call that one, either.
Our banks have claimed that they will replace losses due to spurious use of our accounts ... but if I have a substantial loss and they say that they have had very few such claims, and that they judge that the fault was with my equipment ... how can I convince them otherwise?
So - I've chosen not to bank by phone.
ole joyful
Ewwww!
^^^What Annie said. More like 6 miles away!
My Self-Isolation Quarantine Diary--
>>> Day 1 – I Can Do This!! Got enough food and wine to last a month!
>>> Day 2 – Opening my 8th bottle of Wine. I fear wine supplies might not last!
>>> Day 3 – Strawberries: Some have 210 seeds, some have 235 seeds. Who Knew??
>>> Day 4 – 8:00pm. Removed my Day Pajamas and put on my Night Pajamas.
>>> Day 5 – Today, I tried to make Hand Sanitizer. It came out as Jello Shots!!
>>> Day 6 – I get to take the Garbage out. I’m So excited, I can’t decide what to wear.
>>> Day 7 – Laughing way too much at my own jokes!!
>>> Day 8 – Went to a new restaurant called “The Kitchen”. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have No clue how this place is still in business.
>>> Day 9 – I put liquor bottles in every room. Tonight, I’m getting all dressed up and going Bar hopping.
>>> Day 10 – Struck up a conversation with a Spider today. Seems nice. He’s a Web Designer.
>>> Day 11 – Isolation is hard. I swear my fridge just said, “What the hell do you want now?”
>>> Day 12 – I realized why dogs get so excited about something moving outside, going for walks or car rides. I think I just barked at a squirrel.
>>> Day 13 – If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
>>> Day 14 – Watched the birds fight over a worm. The Cardinals lead the Blue Jays 3–1.
>>> Day 15 – Anybody else feel like they’ve cooked dinner about 395 times this month?
Day 13 sounds particularly sensible. 👍🏻🍷
Even without a caption, this gas mask is funny.
Aok - Day 12 thumbs up
hoping this one doesn’t get me in trouble. Apologies to anyone offended, but lol.
lol, dedtired!!!
Michael - so far that's my favorite!
LOL Michael...on both of those!
Poor Sparky. He looks so sad.
Here is a humorous little video on mask making for all of the beginning sewers. TUTORIAL
I enjoyed that adellabedella!
I enjoyed it too. Loved the view of her sewing machine toward the end of the tutorial.
I got really worried when she started using the rotary cutter! I don't believe she was wearing a bra lol. Very cute video.
This is my kind of mask!!
Recycling 2019: "Honest I'm not an alcoholic, I just had a party!"
Recycling 2020: "Honest I didn't have a party, I'm just an alcoholic!"
Got this off Facebook. LOL
From an anonymous UPS delivery driver...
5 types of customers since the “rona”:
1) Steve:
He has been waiting for this moment his whole life. He has been drinking boilermakers since 10:00 am in his recliner and his AR is within arms reach. He has 6 months provisions in the basement and a bug out bag due west buried in the woods. Steve demands a handshake as I give him his package. He’s sizing me up as I deliver his ammo.
Steve will survive this, and he will kill you if he needs to.
2) Brad:
He is standing at his window wearing skinny jeans and a Patagonia t-shirt. He is mad because there were no organic tomatoes at Whole Foods today. He points at the ground where he has taped a 6 ft no go zone line from his porch. I leave his case of Fuji water, organic granola bites, and his new “Bernie Bro” hat at the tape.
Brad will not survive.
Steve will probably eat him.
3) Nancy:
She has sprayed everything with Thieves oil. Bought all the Clorox wipes, hand sanitizer, toilet paper, meat, and bread from the local grocery chain. She has quarantined her kids and sprays them with a mixture of thieves, lavender, & mint essential oils daily. She has posted every link known to man about “The Rona” on her social media. She will spray you if you break the 6 ft rule. I will leave her yet another case of toilet paper.
She will last longer than Brad, but not Steve.
4) Karen:
She has called everybody and read them the latest news on “The Rona”. She asked for the manager at Food Lion, Walmart, Publix, McDonalds, Chi-Fil-A, and Vons all before noon demanding more toilet paper. Karen’s kids are currently faking “The Rona” to avoid her. I’m delivering “Hello kitchen” to her.
Karen will not survive longer than Brad.
5) Mary:
Is sitting in the swing watching her kids have a water balloon fight in the front yard as she is on her fourth glass of wine. She went to the store and bought 2 cases of pop tarts, 6 boxes of cereal, 8 bags of pizza rolls, And a 6 roll pack of toilet paper. There is a playlist of Bob Marley, Pink Floyd, and Post Malone playing in the background. I’m bringing her second shipment of 15 bottles of wine in 3 days.
Mary will survive and marry Steve.
Together they will repopulate the earth.
May God have mercy on us all.”
Covid Cat:
911, what's your emergency?
Yes, I'd like to report two masked men at the ATM at Chase Bank.
Walking my dog during "Stay at home".
Hey, Michael - Don't spill that oil: it'd take a lot o' rolls o' the other stuff ta clean it up!
And then the next problem - disposal (unless you're inviting friends for campfire and only have green wood).
Ole joyfuelled, using the last few ounces of furnace oil, after having turned down the thermostat during a snowy day yesterday, had a delivery o' furnace oil today - that caused additional joy in his heart when he saw the price (= quite a few rolls o' that paper).
ole joyful
Okay, I recognize Dr. Fauci, but who is the man on the bottom picture?
Jeffrey Epstein.
Jeffery Epstein. A very successful, very glib financier who ran a sex trafficking biz on the side involving very high placed clients. He was arrested and indicted although he denied all the charges brought against him. While waiting in a NY jail he was to have purported to have committed suicide.
lol, marilyn_c!
Corona Lisa